6/13/17

Ugh.

Waning Gibbous Rose Moon (Age: 18 Days)
Sign: Aquarius
Weather: Cloudy, precip. expected later
Mild temps
~*~*~*~*~*~

I don't feel that great right now. My head hurts kinda bad, my body is generally just stiff and uncomfortable, and my lady bits are somewhere between hating me and indifferent to our mutual existence. I'm still depressed. It has made getting things done much harder.

But, I am making the attempt. A part of me says that it is going to do no good. Another part of me wants to bitch-smack the one saying terrible pessimistic things. It's a quiet conflict that happens in my head just about all the time in the background. When I'm depressed, the part that says horrible things to me is a bit louder. (And I know I am downplaying this, but I've been writing so much about feeling awful, I'm just tired of it.)

Loki has given me work to do. I'm trying to do it. But I'm not doing very well. At least, I feel like I'm not doing very well. He, however, says the fact that I am making the attempt is what is important. (This was after a few weeks of not making the attempt and him sending a bat at my head. As in, a literal little flying bat that got in the apartment and had me shrieking 'just go away' and 'leave me alone' as it kept swooping me. It was a fiasco to get it out, and it was acting strangely by doing things like attempting to land on me and crawling across the floor - and under my front door to get back into the apartment, it was alarming.)

I am exhausted. Today was a very ... uncomfortably warm day. I did some housework and stuff, but nothing too physically demanding because of my asthma acting up. I feel like a failure because I didn't get all the things done. I am trying not to indulge in that everything or nothing way of thinking. But it keeps tripping me up. I wish I was better. I wish that the bipolar just wasn't here. I wish that I could have my life back. I was going places, I was making things happen.

And then, one of my worst depressive episodes of all my life happened while I was pregnant. Which then turned into postpartum depression with psychosis. At which point, I was hospitalized and got the diagnosis of bipolar II. It was kinda a relief to know that I wasn't 'crazy' and that there actually was something going on for all those years that I was just told that I was being 'moody' and 'lazy'. But, between the BP, my cPTSD, and what feels like a metric ton of just my brain is broken now, I feel like there's no hope for me. I get afraid when I start feeling 'too good' that I'm going to launch into a manic episode and horrible things will happen. I don't know what horrible things would happen, but I'm afraid that they will happen.

I spend a lot of time depressed or numb. I'm sick of it. I want it to stop. Somedays I fear that it will only stop if I am dead. And, for maximum fail, my migraines are worse and slowly becoming more frequent. I look around and I ask, what did I do wrong to have all this happen to me? It is not a question of 'what gods did I make angry?' as much as, 'what are the things I've done to create this situation? how can I correct it? is correcting it even possible?'

Loki tells me I am taking the wrong perspective. He's likely to be right. I am just having a hard time seeing clearly now on multiple levels. And struggling with despair. I am doing my best not to let myself get sucked into that thinking but it is getting harder daily. I am scheduled to see my psychiatrist in a little over a week. I'd go sooner but he's completely booked. I struggle with the feelings that I have some how earned divine wrath versus I am just that much of a fuck up that I made myself sick like this. Both perspectives are wrong, I logically get that. But my emotions and bad brain chemistry are insisting otherwise.

I hate this.

5/28/17

Shout out to a reader.

Hey there N.!

I haven't posted your comments in an attempt to help you keep your privacy secure. I did appreciate them. They were a tremendous source of reassurance when you shared them. And when I have a bad day, I re-read them.

I hope you are well. ♥

5/27/17

Crumbling things?

Waxing Rose Moon (2 days old)
Sign: Cancer
Weather: Partly cloudy, a touch cool
~*~*~*~*~*~*~

A theme has appeared over the last few days. It started making itself apparent around the new moon. There keeps being signs, reminders of things like the Tower and the Devil showing up in many places. Some of these signs being as big as the image of a man falling from the World Trade Center buildings as the towers were falling to the ground (which just randomly showed up in my feed once and then not again after that) and as small as a sudden, sharp increase in the amount of scavenger insects showing up in my yard when I was gardening on a clear day. (I carefully moved them to where they would not disturb my plants and did my best not to be squicked by it. Because bugs make my skin crawl. Not phobic, per se, but they kinda repulse me. Not entirely sure why.)

I have been struggling to write. I have been struggling to keep up with my responsibilities as a housewife and stay at home mom. In the midst of all of this, devotional activities have become less active. It is just exhausting to keep up with the 'mundane' side of things. I get to the end of the day and I am upset because I haven't done my daily prayer routine. I get upset by the fact that I haven't gotten my devotional writing in. (I barely get my daily writing for my mental health done.)

To say the least, I am very disappointed with myself. I am not sure how to fix the situation. I'm not sure how to set myself up for success over the summer, because things are going to be even more busy with the kids on break from school. I am filled with dread. A part of me says I should just give up because I am doomed to failure. I recognize that as my mental illness speaking. But it is really hard to shake that feeling when I look at all the ways I have been slipping in other areas right now.

Loki said last night that I keep looking for excellence in the wrong places and in the wrong ways. He said that I am worrying too much about past patterns happening in the present when they are completely behind me. I was somewhere between ready to cry in relief that he wasn't upset with me and in pain because my whole body has been just in pain for a few days now due to what I presume is my arthritis but it could be side effects of medication changes.

Ingvi has been ... quiet of late. Which doesn't surprise me, it seems that this season is when things are more active between Loki and I. In the autumn and winter, Ingvi is more active. (Though Loki has no qualms about stopping by to offer sass and bad jokes when he feels the timing is best. And some of those jokes make 'dad' jokes look good.) Freyr surprised me last night when he said, "You are doing the best you could with what you have been burdened with. You can't run with a broken leg that never healed right. Stop being so hard on yourself. It's not your fault."

I, again, found myself just about ready to cry. The two of them have been making a point of telling me when I get caught in that mental loop of self-criticism that echoes what I grew up with. And they make a point of reminding me that I am in the present and that it wasn't my fault. I feel like my life is slowly crumbling to pieces around me, which is perversely ironic. Because I have been more effective and active in maintaining my household over the last few months. On the surface, it looks like things are getting into order. But I feel like I am on the verge of falling apart.

It makes all of the other signs that I have been seeing a bit more disturbing. I ask myself if I am seeing them because something is coming or because I am looking for something to confirm this awful feeling of despair and futility. The whole thing gives me a headache to think about. I wish there was someway to just ... I don't know, feel better. Medication helps some. I've got a new therapist lined up that I will be seeing in two weeks. Why do I feel like I'm on the edge of the abyss and about to fall in? Is it because I'm on the verge of a breakthrough or because I'm on the verge of a breakdown? I can't tell. And that scares me.

5/14/17

Ah Gods, WTF?

Waning Gibbous Flower Moon (Age:18 Days)
Sign: Capricorn
Weather: Seasonable, cloudy with 
intermittent rain
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

I have lost count how many times I have fallen over something, tripped, or otherwise had myself abruptly reminded of gravity today. I have also lost count how many minor annoyances kept popping up. Throw in the fact that today is Mother's Day and I had a hurdle of an emotional sort to clamber over as well and it just made today a day of frustration.

I don't know who or what is trying to draw my attention. But, upending 90% of the plans, causing things like a full jar of marinade to just jump off the counter and spill over damn near everything -EXCEPT me, and the number of times where I was tripping over things has now ensured that you have my attention. 

I had plans today. They got tanked. Beloved had plans today. They got tanked. Hell, the KIDS had plans today and they got tanked.

So, we were supposed to stay home, be indoors, and get on each other's nerves for the afternoon whilst I develop a case of fumble-everything? We did that, now what's next? A bit of clarity would be fantastic. This whole weekend started out as planned and then went horribly pear shaped. My anxiety is all over the map, like that spilled curry marinade across my kitchen. Can whomever is poking me make things known in a less ... dramatic fashion?

I almost felt like we'd been hit with a minor entropy curse or something. But the air lacked the distinct scent of a curse. (If I encounter a curse, they generally have a very ... unpleasant aroma. Sending them, it's like running a fan to blow the smell away. It's still there but it fades as it gets sent off elsewhere.)

So, yeah, wtf is going on here?

3/15/17

Snow & Ice & A curse or two.

Waning Gibbous Worm Moon (Age: X days)
Sign: Scorpio
Weather: Cold, blowing snow
(Winter Storm Stella)
Drought status: N/A
Snow pack: ~ 8 in (haven't measured, can't find ruler)
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Back last month on the 24th, if I recall it correctly, there was a considerable effort put forth by many to curse that selfish monster in the Presidency. As much as I wanted to participate, life got in the way. It was the time of the last waning phase of the moon before the new moon. It is considered a prime time for casting spells of a 'darker' nature. It is also considered a good time for planting stuff that grows underground and for cutting hair. That, however, is beside the point of my post here.

I was trying to figure out what sort of spell was going to be most effective in bringing that man bad luck. While I was busy asking deities to mess with him, and giving them things in return for this, I cogitated on the matter. I was really stumped until this storm hit. And then it struck me just what to do. This spell is in two parts. The first part is a binding that is a bit different from what I usually do. The second part is a more ... traditional curse.

The binding requires a few things. A black candle, a facial hair from a woman (beard preferably), sand, and salt are what you need for this. Now, there is one element that you can't exactly pick up and place. The breath of a fish is something that sounds nonsensical. If you have a betta fish, as I do, you have access to all the little bubbles they blow when they get bored and decide to entertain themselves. What I did was I clipped one of the facial hairs off my chin and then used it to pop one of those little bubbles. Thus, it got a tiny bit of that fish breath on it. I then put that hair, a few grains of sand, and a few grains of salt on the candle. The sand and salt are both base elements in much of the landscape in my region. If I had powdered shale, I would have used that. But, if you can find out what the bedrock of your region is, go with that. That is the 'roots of the mountains' for this spell.

Anyone with a passing familiarity with Norse mythology will recognize the items I have gathered as what was used by the dwarves, amongst other items, to make the binding known as Gleipnir (the open one) that was used to bind Fenris. I made a point of not acquiring something like all of the items because it makes this harder to work. I haven't access to a cat, a bird's nest, or the remains of a bear. If I did and I was able to manage to some how capture the essence of a cat's footfall, bird saliva, and bear sinew, I would have made the attempt with it. Even though I haven't the full list of what was used for Gleipnir, what I have is still 'impossible' enough to make something that defies the efforts of those opposing me. So, I applied my spell elements to the black candle of binding with the intention that they are drawn into the flame and spun into a binding that will render the man, his right hand, and their supporters as ineffective in their tasks as Fenris is in causing mischief.

I am not putting my hand in this wolf's mouth. It has already done its best to consume me before I had declared it to be an enemy of my wellness and my people. This is something that they owe me for their deeds. This binding is but the first part of payment they are going to make on the things they have wrought against us. And, as the moon is not completely waning or new, I draw in some of the power of the full moon to push this forward. I am going to burn the candle completely and then the ashes will be disposed of in a manner that they can not contaminate anything due to their connection to that man. Some may ask, my use of my own hair in this spell, does it not draw that contamination to myself as well. I answer to this question, this is why I am going to be doing a full cleansing on all levels later and why I waited until such a cleansing was necessary. What I am sending of myself behind this spell is the miasma that has collected to me, the essence of my suffering, the various elements of despair and grief that have struck me. It is an act of sending a fetch made of my misery after them. Not something done lightly, but it serves multiple purposes. (No, I'm not going to go over all of them. And, to any who suspect it, yes, this was something advised by the All Father and the Vanadis.)

The sending of this element of myself after them is the concluding part of the binding and the beginning of the curse. I am going to reach out into the psychic energies within this storm and into all of the pain and misery that it has caused. I am going to grasp hold of the great toll of loss that this storm carries with it and channel it along the path that the fetch has gone. I am going to send the essence of snow and ice to blind their eyes so they may not see to do yet more evil. I am going to send the essence of bitter cold to choke their breath and slow their hands so that they have not the strength to engage in yet more evil. And I am going to send all aspects of ruin to them to destroy what they are attempting to build and rip apart the things they are engaged in to destroy the good of the nation.

One may ask, what sort of price goes along with this sort of thing. Well, there's two different ones to be paid here. One is actually to the storm jotuns who move through these storms to direct their attention and efforts towards these people in particular. (It is one that I negotiated with them. If you are going to do such a thing, you are going to have to negotiate your own price with them. Or with whatever elemental being or deity it is that your practice sees working with storms.) The other price that I pay is to the Lady of the Dead, Hela herself. Because in turning all of this baneful work on these people, it may go so far as to include the demise of them in the most literal of senses. So, I have asked for her direct aid in this. This was something else I had to negotiate directly with her.

There are some others, I am sure, that would also take interested in such work. As I am engaged in this under the direction of the All Father and the Lady, I know that their assistance is already in play. I have paid the dues for it by doing this work. (I also have additional work to do for them. As I mentioned earlier, this is outside of the scope of this post so I won't discuss it here.)

But, here's an idea for something that may work for you. If there is no storm raging that you can reach into and draw magic from, I know that you are all a resourceful lot and can find other ways to tap into primal energies.