I knew this...

I knew this month was going to be bad. I had seen signs of it. Lots of them. I did not dream it would be this bad.

I am despondent with grief. Depression has been a beast for months.

I lack words. And so I pray. I am not even sure what I am praying for, only that I am praying. I don't even know which deity to turn to, all of them?


Book Review: The Catechism of the Catholic Church (Part 1)

Title: Catechisim of the Catholic Church
Editor: Joseph Cardinal Ratzinger
Publisher: Doubleday Date: 1995

Part one, Section II gives a resonable way to recognize other religions as spiritual kinfolk to Christianity and Catholicism. Note discussion in No. 32 of this section.

Question re: Pt. 1, Ch 1. Section 3 No. 38 -
Why is it not argued that God would reveal such knowledge to the faithful seeker's heart and mind? Wouldn't God do that? If you're truly interested in your faith, wouldn't you ask for divine guidance? Perhaps I'm not looking at it correctly.

Pt. 1, Ch. 3 Att. 1 Sec. 3 No. 155 -
"Believing is an act of the intellect assenting to the divine truth by command of the will moved by God through grace."
- Above statement derived from St. Thomas Aquinas
- All things revolve around truth.

Pt. 1 Ch 2 Sec 3 can be summarized thus:
The bible was written by man inspired and influenced by God. Must be read in proper context and with understanding of literary styles used.

pt 1 Ch 3 Art. 1 Sec 3 No159 -
Very interesting - "[...] methodical research in all branches of knowledge, provided it is carried out in a truly scientific matter and does not override moral laws, can never conflict with the faith, because the things of the world and the things of faith derive from the same God [...]"

Following that is a discussion of freedom of faith. I.e.- faith in God must be freely given. Forced conversion is anethema. Conversion by example and education is correct.

Pt. 1 ch 3 art 1 sec 3 Nos. 163-5 -
Faith vs. dark night of soul; look to faith that has persevered during times of trial.

Pt 1 ch 3 art 2 No. 166-
"Faith is a personal act. [...] No one can believe alone; just as no one can live alone. [...] I can not believe without being carried by the faith of others, and by my faith i help support others in the faith."
- look to the community of believers (the Church) for mutual support and companionship during the darknight of the soul.

Pt. 1 ch. 3 art 2 sec 2 no. 170 -
"We do not believe in formulas but in those realities they express, in which faith allows us to touch [...]"
- Tradition (dogma) is flexible. Earlier section in Pt. 1 Ch 2 says larger traditions of Church as a whole are guides to expression of local traditions therefore:
a. Regional traditions add to Church's flexibility
b. Regional traditions make Church more responsive to needs
c. Regional traditions make Church more accessible

This preserves the spirit of Catholicism as embodied during the house church era.

pt. 1 ch 3 art 2 sec 3 No 173-5
- look up St. Iranaeus of Lyons
"For through language differe through out the world, the context of the Tradition is one and the same. The Churches established in Germany have no other faith or Tradition, nor [...], nor those of the Celts, [...]" - does this prove my earlier argument?

Apostle's Creed = individual profession of faith
Nicene Creed = collective profession of faith

[Edited to remove copy of Apostle's Creed and Nicean Creed.]

- images pale with spiritual truth, God has no gender.
- Mary concieved with truth and honestly.
- Jesus was a man, Jeasus was the son of truth and honesty.
- Jesus, as a man suffered, experienced temptation, experienced despair & loss of faith (hell), pronounced dead, rose again and went to his followers.
- Jesus's spirit then acended to Heaven (nirvana, what ever the name of that place of truth) and is with God. Jesus's spirit will return to judge all.
How can Jesus be with us all the while and we failed to see it?

Pt. 1 Paragraph 3 Sec. 3 no. 555-6
Why did the Father will the suffering of the Son?
- suffering stated as a necessary component of life?
- daily life is holy
- all sinners responsible for crucifixion & passion thru hypocracy and defamation of the memory of Christ? hypocracy = relapse into sin?
- Jesus's murder was permitted, why? To bring about salvation; to restore a positive relationship with God?
- despair at Gesthame = assumption of sin?
- cross = Selepnir/Yggsidrall?
- suffering servant = humanity's champion?

pg. 164 paragraph 633, 645
hell = abode of the dead
"[...] For this reason the risen Jesus enjoys the soverign freedom of appearing as he wishes: in the guise of a gardener or other forms familiar to his deciples, precisely to awaken their faith."
- God is an independendly revealed experience. God appears to us in forms and way we can understand.
- Jesus willed his crucifixion?

[I paused in reading this to read the next text.]

Originally Published: 8/23/06

I am clearly not a Catholic. At the time I was reading this and other Catholic texts, I was seriously contemplating converting. Messy story later, I remain a witch but have a deep appreciation for the technical elements of this faith. And some of that wisdom has influenced my own practices and considerations upon the matter of theology.

Book Review: The Joy of Praying the Rosary

Title: The Joy of Praying the Rosary
Author: Msgr. James M. McNamara
Publisher: Ressurection Press Date: 2003

Pg. 49 - The Kingdom of God is simply love.

Pg. 51 - Why are moments of feeling God's presence during prayer typically rare?

"One burden is the experience of trying to express to others what seems too ineffable for words." - True!

Pg. 52 "All is gift. All is grace. The only proper response to a gift is gratitude." - True!

- surrender = acceptance

- Did God have a choice regarding the Crucifixion?

Pg. 59 "Jesus suffered as expitation of our sins." Why did Jesus have to suffer?

Pg. 64 Why does/would Jesus love me?

Pg. 65 "[...] pray as you can, not as you can't and do not try to run faster then grace."

The suffering of humanity described on pg. 67 reminds me of the book of Job.

Pg. 70 "Only in God will we find true joy and lasting peace."

- This reminds me of Augustine's statement about the soul's longing for God.

Pg. 72 "[...] He [Jesus] gives his life through forgiveness. In the midst of His agony He speacks to His beloved Father: 'Father, forgive them for they know not what they do [...]." - mercy & unconditional love?

Msgr. McNamara says Jesus quotes Psalm 22 in that statement. I should look that up.

Luke 24:5 - past vs present?

Pg. 84 lesson- let go past. Give it to God.

Pg. 87 "[...] let us pray for the gift of perserverance."
- Home is where love is.

[Edited to add: I still find myself deeply moved by this text. It may not be something that is of the faith that I practice, but there is a great deal of truth in it.]

Originally Published: 8/23/06

NOTE: Some of my notes make sense to me today looking back on this. The rest I need to grab a copy of the book and read the context for it. I really should have done a better system for notation here.


Book review: The Cloud of Unknowing

Title: The Cloud of Unknowing
Author: Anonymous, 13th Cent.
Translator: [I failed to note this.]
Publisher: [I failed to note this.]
Date: [I failed to note this.]
I've started to read the Cloud of Unknowing. The historical context of this text has made for facinating reading, but a part of me wants to skip a head to the real text. I'm ging to finish reading this context setting preface, though. A lesson in patience is necessary if I am finding this fustrating. This preface is that lesson.

Grace is hidden in us all. Few learn to (or attempt to) uncover it from the mound of daily cares and falsehoods that creat a placid seeming life.

Carelessness as a part of sin? An interesting concept that isn't voiced much.

[Edited to add: I read this and the other texts on Christian theology as I was exploring Christianity and seriously considering conversion to that faith.]

Originally Published: 8/23/06 on LiveJournal

Note: I have a copy of this. I will be re-reading it and updating notes and such. But, here is the original book review/notes in their terrible spelling and equally awful editing. I found this book to be really useful. So, I'm going to be going over it again. This time, I will have all of the info for the book because I actually own it and I'm not borrowing it from the library.


Booted from the plane.

Waning Blue Sap Moon (Age: ???)
Sign: ???
Weather: Unseasonably cold, flurries with sun

So, a while back, my friend L. gave me a reading. I was cautioned that I needed to 'jump out of the plane or be booted out of it before it crashes' to paraphrase the entire reading. Since then, the theme of jump or be kicked off keeps popping up. 

I'm a hard headed idiot sometimes. The gods are not patient with hard headed idiots for very long. There were warnings that something was coming along. Then they gave me a very direct object lesson in the importance of self-care. So, I learned from that lesson. I had fawn's legs but I was starting back on the road to good health and proper self-care.

Then I got diagnosed last week with diabetes. It was a combo of jumping from the crashing plane of bad habits and getting booted out of it, because I'll confess that I faltered. I got scared that I was going to fuck up my healthy habits again, like I have pretty much every time my mood goes haywire (thanks bipolar, may Loki show you what he finds funny). The day I walked into the doctor's office was a harried day that I had missed doing my morning yoga and dropped a cup of coffee on the counter (didn't break the mug just covered the counter with coffee).

I'm scared but I'm doing my best. Hence why I am typing slowly due to fingers having been pricked for blood sugar testing multiple times over the last several days. I put a lot of effort today into not having stuff that is filled with carbohydrates. It seems a bitter irony that a godspouse of Freyr can't have carbohydrates. The gods, however, have their sense of humor and I'm sure will help me find something amusing in all of this.


Rambling prattling part 2

The last few months have been rough. I've lost track of things like moon phase and such. Hence my lack of notation of it in this post.

I've been struggling with feelings of connection with the gods. Then as I was writing in a journal, listening to the playlist I set up for them, they started talking back. It has persisted through other playlists and the radio. It's been weird but effective.

My blog of erotica has begun to turn into a record of exchanges between them and I in a place that is both mental and spiritual at the same time. A place that bridges the two realms (if not three or four because I type it and it becomes physical and digital). Things I have written half entranced that I come out of the experience with the queer sense that I was there and here at the same time.

N. Lokison, I think I am beginning to get it. It is both simple and not at the same time. Utterly bewildering and yet very familiar. I'm somehow in multiple places at the same time and doing different things at the same time, with my awareness needing to be focused on on them at different times.