Rambling brain prating.

Last Quarter Harvest Moon (Age: 21 days)
Sign: Cancer
Weather: Seasonable, cloudy
There were a ton spiders in my home. Most of them, I suspect, were baby brown recluse spiders. I'm honestly terrified of them. I had a bad experience once (didn't get bit but did get the hell scared out of me) and I developed something of a phobia. The time of the spider infestation was curious. Shortly before hand, a few days at best, I asked for help mastering my fears. My anxiety had been getting the better of me and I was handling it less than well. I'm pretty sure it was connected to the dreams that were total wtf as well. Dreams of things like being trapped in a burning house where I had to swim out of the attic on the spring bubbling up in it. Of visiting my brother in law's house (which doesn't exist) and getting trapped in there as I spotted a forest fire on the way and being unable to get out. And having everyone vanish in the time between looking out the window and turning around. That dream ended with waking up choking on smoke and Loki taking my hand saying "It isn't real. You're going to be fine."

NOTE: I had thought I posted this last month. I apparently was wrong. The spider thing is not as much of a problem now since we've had a few good cold snaps. I'm also making a point of getting rid of them as I find them. Spiders are fine outside, but I am not able to handle them indoors. Makes my skin crawl and I start to panic about being bitten and having limbs rot off. I'm told this is a fairly normal phobia. I don't enjoy it at all.


Dreams go wut?

Waxing Harvest Moon (Age: 7 days)
Sign: Void of Course
Weather: Unseasonably warm, humid
Drought status: None

There are dreams that you just look at and accept as random brain nattering. And then there are the ones where they have a theme that just won't go away. For about two weeks now, I keep having these surreal dreams where I am flipping things over. Some of them feature me on some kind of game show where I have to flip everything over to gain some kind of prize. And then there are ones like last night where I just keep flipping things over.

It ranges from a literal table flip to flipping a car over. (The car one was probably the most surreal moment. I flipped a Buick with my finger tips on my off hand. And it was like flipping over a popsicle stick. But it was one of the old school Buicks that were basically like a boat driving down the road.) They seem to correspond to my making some major changes in how I approach health things. Is flipping things in my dreams supposed to correlate to making changes in my life? I have no idea.

All I know is that this is not going away. And it feels like there's something more behind it. Divination is just something I haven't had time for. And approaching it from a dream analysis perspective says 'Yep, I'm making huge changes in my life about how I am approaching just about everything."


Dreams and thoughts.

Waxing Grain Moon (Age: 1 Day)
Sign: Leo
Weather: Seasonable, fair/partly cloudy skies
Flash Flood Warning

My dreams over the last few weeks have been very vivid. I don't know if this is because of my hypomania or if it is something else. I do, however, think there is something more to them than the dreams just being random brain chatter.

I have been dreaming of snakes, spiders, and other sorts of animals/creatures that shed their skin. I am getting the distinct impression that I am about to go through or currently experiencing a time of transformation and self-renewal. I also get the impression that I must change or I am going to be unwell.

I am not entirely sure what this means. I mean, I understand that I need to change but I'm not entirely sure what areas I need to make changes in. I know that I am stalled in a few areas on making changes. My knees being difficult over the last few weeks because of the extra humid weather has made it challenging to get even my morning yoga exercises. Getting in a half hour walk is a bit harder because of the kids having summer school right now, but we are making regular trips to the park (we are walking despite the fact I have the car because I want that exercise for us). The intermittent rain over the last several days has made going to the park a less than ideal thing. Lightning makes me really not want to bring an umbrella or my cane (which is metal). Not being a lightning rod is good for my health, after all.

The thing that really threw me for a loop was Grandmother Spider showing up and then transforming into Loth. (If you've played D&D you may recognize that name. Because the Queen of Spiders is far reaching and a major player in almost any subterranean campaign.) Now, I know some would be taken aback by the idea of Grandmother Spider taking a guise of a well known evil character but I would like to kindly remind you that I tend to view 'evil' characters as ones who are outside the 'standard' moral perspective and should be considered upon their own merits. But, I think the biggest thing about the transformation, aside from being something that confused the hell out of me, was that the message that I needed to transform in a very large way that incorporates my core sense of self.

Along with a message about not being 'nice' all the time. That, however, touches on something that it a little bit too personal to share right now. But, it is clear that I need to be more aggressive about how I approach things and not worry about being the 'bad guy'. It is a big change from how I have been approaching life over the last several years, which has been mores passive and based in anxiety that standing up and saying something is dangerous for me.

So, that's something that's happened. I'm still working through it. (Minor side note, I also associate spiders with Loki. I'm not entirely sure where that started, only that they seem to walk on air and do their own thing. I have other reasons but my brain is not slowing down enough to let me get them out. (It's been making writing anything difficult because I'm playing catch up with myself.)


That moment when...

Waxing Gibbous Thunder Moon (Age: 14 days)
Sign: Capricorn
Weather: humid, seasonable temps
Drought status: n/a

Last few weeks have been rough. As I find myself on more even footing, I am sitting here looking around at a loss for where to begin picking up all the threads left laying about when I was in the worst of the last depressive episode. It was daunting and, honestly, disheartening. Last night, I was feeling poorly about myself and frustrated with ALL THE THINGS.

As I was laying there glaring at the wall, Loki started to toy with my hair. At first I wasn't focused enough to realize it was him. I just felt my hair getting moved about and the feeling of something moving against my scalp. This was making my skin crawl because earlier I saw ants running around in the bathroom and I was envisioning ants running over my head. I brushed my hand through my hair a few times and then I felt that strange static electricity feeling that comes when my hand touches his. (Envision a ball of static electricity that you pass your hand through. There is no shock, just that feeling of your skin being very sensitive and all the hairs on your skin standing up. Kinda like if you put your hand near a static ball. That's what it feels like, to me at least.)

I put my hand down and gave a sigh of just.. that combination of all of those feelings I was having. The sigh that goes with 'I am all out of fucks to give.' and 'What the fuck is going on here?' (all said with tired exasperation). Loki settled himself beside me and told me that I was being too serious. I grumpily responded with something, I don't remember what. But then Loki said to me something that I had been hearing from others on the spirit plane (I'm looking at you, Crow.).

"Why did you stop doing magic?"

I just lay there in silence. I wanted to reply with "I don't know." but I knew that it did not count as an answer. If I said the next thing that came to mind - I'm afraid. I don't think it works right anymore. - I knew that Loki was going to demand a better answer. Because feelings, while valid and important, are not entirely accurate for stating why something happened, at least not on this topic.

I don't remember my answer. I just remember Loki saying to me, "You need to have faith in yourself. You know this works. You have tons of evidence it works. You can't take the word of a liar seriously when they're lying to you about your truth. They don't know a damn thing about it." There was some awkward silence for a bit. And then he added the following:

Your lack of faith is because you were beaten for it.
Your lack of faith is because you were castigated for it.
Your lack of faith is because you were conditioned into it.
Your lack of faith is because you were wounded for it.
Strike a child, and they will fear the blow. Strike them for the same thing and over time that fear transfers to the thing. And what comes later is persistent fear and a hobbling. You are bound. Because you dared to stand up and have faith in yourself.
I'll be honest, having him say that was both validating and it hurt me. I tried to compensate for this by doing my best to ignore my hunger (as I had a small dinner out of an attempt to stick to a healthy diet). As this got more uncomfortable, Loki sighed and said "You're doing it again." I tried to argue with him that I couldn't go eat something then because I had brushed my teeth, because I needed to sleep, and some other thing that I can't quite recall. He shut those arguments down with one word, "Needs."

So, after I got up and had a snack of blueberries. I found myself suddenly feeling tired. Now, moments before, I was awake and anxious. After eating, I felt calm and sleepy. I wasn't even grumpy. I tried to will myself to go brush my teeth but that sense of exhaustion just got stronger. When I stretched out in bed, Loki said to me, "You are not disgusting. You are not worthless. Your life is not a mistake. You are competent and damn talented. You deserve love. And happiness. And your feelings and memories are valid." There was something else like that but I don't remember it because I fell asleep as he was speaking and rubbing my back.

But, Loki made a point last night of addressing some trauma issues that I had only recently realized were a problem. It all made sense. And it hurt. But, I think this is the hurt that comes with cleaning out an infection. I think it is going to lead to my getting healthier.

Aside from that, Loki today said to me 'Sit and spin.' and then started snickering. So I don't think he's upset with me, just upset with what happened to me and how much it has hindered me.



Waning Gibbous Rose Moon (Age: 18 Days)
Sign: Aquarius
Weather: Cloudy, precip. expected later
Mild temps

I don't feel that great right now. My head hurts kinda bad, my body is generally just stiff and uncomfortable, and my lady bits are somewhere between hating me and indifferent to our mutual existence. I'm still depressed. It has made getting things done much harder.

But, I am making the attempt. A part of me says that it is going to do no good. Another part of me wants to bitch-smack the one saying terrible pessimistic things. It's a quiet conflict that happens in my head just about all the time in the background. When I'm depressed, the part that says horrible things to me is a bit louder. (And I know I am downplaying this, but I've been writing so much about feeling awful, I'm just tired of it.)

Loki has given me work to do. I'm trying to do it. But I'm not doing very well. At least, I feel like I'm not doing very well. He, however, says the fact that I am making the attempt is what is important. (This was after a few weeks of not making the attempt and him sending a bat at my head. As in, a literal little flying bat that got in the apartment and had me shrieking 'just go away' and 'leave me alone' as it kept swooping me. It was a fiasco to get it out, and it was acting strangely by doing things like attempting to land on me and crawling across the floor - and under my front door to get back into the apartment, it was alarming.)

I am exhausted. Today was a very ... uncomfortably warm day. I did some housework and stuff, but nothing too physically demanding because of my asthma acting up. I feel like a failure because I didn't get all the things done. I am trying not to indulge in that everything or nothing way of thinking. But it keeps tripping me up. I wish I was better. I wish that the bipolar just wasn't here. I wish that I could have my life back. I was going places, I was making things happen.

And then, one of my worst depressive episodes of all my life happened while I was pregnant. Which then turned into postpartum depression with psychosis. At which point, I was hospitalized and got the diagnosis of bipolar II. It was kinda a relief to know that I wasn't 'crazy' and that there actually was something going on for all those years that I was just told that I was being 'moody' and 'lazy'. But, between the BP, my cPTSD, and what feels like a metric ton of just my brain is broken now, I feel like there's no hope for me. I get afraid when I start feeling 'too good' that I'm going to launch into a manic episode and horrible things will happen. I don't know what horrible things would happen, but I'm afraid that they will happen.

I spend a lot of time depressed or numb. I'm sick of it. I want it to stop. Somedays I fear that it will only stop if I am dead. And, for maximum fail, my migraines are worse and slowly becoming more frequent. I look around and I ask, what did I do wrong to have all this happen to me? It is not a question of 'what gods did I make angry?' as much as, 'what are the things I've done to create this situation? how can I correct it? is correcting it even possible?'

Loki tells me I am taking the wrong perspective. He's likely to be right. I am just having a hard time seeing clearly now on multiple levels. And struggling with despair. I am doing my best not to let myself get sucked into that thinking but it is getting harder daily. I am scheduled to see my psychiatrist in a little over a week. I'd go sooner but he's completely booked. I struggle with the feelings that I have some how earned divine wrath versus I am just that much of a fuck up that I made myself sick like this. Both perspectives are wrong, I logically get that. But my emotions and bad brain chemistry are insisting otherwise.

I hate this.