12/20/07

Crisis of Faith Redux

Oak Moon
Phase: First Quarter (Waxing Gibbious, age:10 days)
Position: Taurus
Weather: Seasonably cool, mild warming trend bringing temps to slightly above freezing, high thin clouds, light precipitation, minimal wind

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I've been having an old dream again. It's not exactly a nightmare, though it does have many of the elements of my nightmares in it. Usually, I do fairly well interpreting my own dreams. This one, however, has had me stumped for quite some time. I asked a friend of mine to take a shot at interpreting it and he suggested that it was indicating that I was experiencing some type of a crisis of faith.

That discussion happened a few days ago. As I have been trying to puzzle it out, because it does make sense for some reason that I wasn't able to define, I've been struggling with the pulls between the demands of being a new mother, a housewife, and a businesswoman. In all of this, I've been failing to place sufficient emphasis on my spirituality. Indeed, I've been stretched out too thin and spending more time spinning my wheels rather then doing all of them with the measure of success I could be doing.

I've been treated for postpartum depression. They were talking about having me on anti-depressants for at least a year. I recall how anti-depressants play with me after a while and the risks of dependence upon those things is high enough to make me uneasy. I've weaned myself off of them and am doing alot better then I was when I was diagnosed with the postpartum depression. Now, it's just feeling overwhelmed and inadequate. I can't use postpartum depression as an excuse for my shortcomings. That problem has been resolved, even if the others around me choose to disagree with me on it.

No, I think I have figured out where that crisis of faith is. It's not in the sense of what religion I practice. It's not exactly that kind of crisis of faith, so much as it is a crisis of faith in my self. It's a realization that has me looking at everything that's been overwhelming me with a new perspective. It has forced me to admit that I've been afraid that I can't do all this at once. Looking back over the last several months, however, that is what I have been doing. I may not have been doing it well, but I have been managing a juggling act of a fairly large proportion well enough that my home is not a pigsty, dinner is usually on the table at a reasonable hour, my family is generally happy and healthy.

And this has been in the face of my problems with postpartum depression and feelings of inadequacy. The postpartum depression didn't cause those feelings, though I'm sure some one reading this may decide to suggest that. No, it served to make me aware of it. Much like the difficulties I had in my pregnancy served to make me aware that I need to be more compassionate towards myself and take better care of my health. These things are fairly gentle wake-up calls from the Universe.

I know what practical things I need to do to get all of this anxiety under control. I also know what I need to do to find the root of the problem and resolve it. I may not like doing these things, but they are part of the reason why I began practicing witchcraft and the reason why I returned to it. As such, I suppose Samhain came late for me this year, falling closer to the secular new year then the witch's new year. Such is life, though.

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