11/5/08

Waxing Mourning Moon & Memories

Moon: Waxing Mourning Moon
Sign: Aquarius
Weather: Unseasonably mild, high thin clouds
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I don't know why I did it but I looked at her blog. A part of my heart broke as I looked and read. It was as though I could hear her voice again as it sounded in life, not that strange whisper of clairaudience that I hear now when she visits me. I looked at it and I wanted to cry.

I miss her so much. So many words left unsaid. So many things that I wanted to share with her but it just doesn't work well now that she is no longer here walking the green earth with me. Oh, I suppose I could tell her everything I wanted to say but I can't ever feel her arms around me, see her smile, or listen to her laugh with that husky, rich laugh that she has after she's drunk a bit too much coffee and snuck a cigarette or two.

They say that we have soul mates and kindred spirits. I believe she was one of mine. I believe that she was a long lost soul sister of mine whom I wish I had met long before she came into life a few years ago. I cherish the memory of her laugh and everything about her. I'm struggling to live with the courage that she thought I had. It's so hard when you realize that everything about a friend is gone except for the echo of their life.

That spark, that essence of them is not here anymore. It's across the veil. And as close as they can come to us, they can never fully reach us except with heroic effort and some cost to them. So, I sit here and I mourn. I struggle with tears that refuse to be shed and this lost, confused sense of hope. I know we will meet again in the green fields of the Otherworld. We'll laugh and talk of my son and our husbands. But right now, I just want to weep because I can't hear her voice.

And the pain of her bodily absence from my life deadens my ear and senses to her presence on the otherside. Though I'm sure she knows I am there and grieves for me even as I grieve for her, as she always seemed to know my pain even though we didn't know each other for very long on this earth.

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