1/7/12

First post of the new Solar year.

Waxing Wolf Moon (Age: 13 days)
Sign of Cancer
Weather: Unseasonably warm,
cloudy w/ intermittent rain showers
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Ave, Dea Madre! Gloria Plena!

It is the eve of the Full Moon. I have strung a fifteen decade Goddess rosary. As I strung the beads, I prayed. It sits upon my altar now, after I have taken it out into the night and shown it (and my other personal prayer beads) to the moon.

I meditated upon the Mother. I prayed to the Mother.

My heart breaks for the gulf of distance between my human Mother and I. It isn't that she lives on the other side of the country or that there is some great physical distance between her and I. It is an emotional distance. One that I suspect she is beginning to realize is the result of her mistreatment of me.

As I sat and I prayed to the Great Mother, I thought back to the first, secret pregnancy. Even as I was terrified that I'd be forced to marry the monster that had raped me, I was thrilled to carry within me a little Life. When I miscarried, I was heartbroken. I kept secret my mourning.

As I sat and I prayed to the Great Mother, I thought back to the birth of my eldest son. I thought of the joyful anticipation and excitement I felt. I felt that I was truly one of the most blessed women in all the world.

As I sat and I prayed to the Great Mother, I thought back to the birth of my youngest son. I thought of the times when I wasn't filled with confusion and terror. In its place, there was a blessed sense of peace, gratitude, joy, and anticipation.

As I sat and I prayed to the Great Mother, I thought back to the argument between my mother and I that set off the chain of events that brought me to the current state of affairs. I was torn between the desire to simply pass off her words as braggadocio and the horror I felt that she had gone so far as to threaten small, defenseless children in an effort to manipulate me. I was torn between my love for her and doing what was just.

I find myself seized with the strongest urge to pick up the phone and call my parents. To just tell them that I love them before I go to bed.

Goddess help me, I don't know what the right thing to do is. Is it to reconcile with them or to remain distant? I pray. I meditate. I cast cards and throw runes. All things leave only that question hanging in the air. There is no sign either way, so I remain where I am at.

I feel on the verge of weeping. Even the Wolf's Father's kindness isn't penetrating this overwhelming sense of sorrow. I am doing my best to leave this in the Mother's hands, but I feel like I have cut out my beating heart and laid it bleeding upon the altar. I don't know if it is the altar of my conscience, the altar of justice, or the altar of the Gods.

I only know that I hurt and that I miss my mother, as crazy and flawed that she is.

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