Waxing (almost full :D ) Sap Moon (Age: 12 days)
Sign: Leo (soon to be void of course)
Weather: fair skies, mild
I am positively giddy right now. After several days of spinning my wheels on what to do in contacting Loki, some excellent advice/instruction from ArtCat, and my picking up the pen again in His honor, Loki gave me a distinct message today.
He told me he wanted some cheap whiskey and onion rings. I don't claim to understand that but I am thrilled. I had missed his snarky comments and droll observations about things in my life. It was a palpable ache and rather distressing. It was, in short, excruciating.
Throw on top of that I had been having a bad couple of days in the more mundane sense, I was rather miserable. So, upon ArtCat's advice, I had taken up the pen and started writing in the devotional journal that I started a few months ago at Lopt's urging. I let my ego get in the way of that work. As ArtCat so excellently pointed out, I fell into the trap of treating Loki like Odin. As a result, I got the silent treatment.
As I was writing in the journal, I suddenly found Loki at my side. He was looking at me with a mildly exasperated look when I paused and muttered that I didn't like what I was writing. I then sighed and reminded myself that criticism such as that is more like Odin then Loki and I need to be more tolerant of myself. I actually said out loud "Stop thinking like Odin."
Loki laughed at that. All out belly laugh. I didn't think I was being hilarious but everyone tells me that when I'm exasperated, especially with myself, I am drop dead funny. Scar Lip seemed to think so. He then told me to write what he said. It was an odd experience to write out both sides of a conversation with him. I'm so used to just talking to him.
Flame Hair (who just giggled at my typo of 'Flamer,' I think he may not be sober right now, I honestly don't know) said that I needed to have reminders of our conversations. I guess that's what I'll be writing down in the journal for now. I've decided to stop trying to fight it. I'll just write what ever he puts in my head.
I still feel really self conscious that he wants me to write about the ugly things in my past. That, of course, is why he wants me to write it. He still wants me to get to know Sygyn. He insists it is good for me to know her. Loki really wants me to get past my fear and I think it's really great that I've got his support. (Who can't argue that you've got a really awesome supporter when a deity is in your cheering section? Certainly not I.)
It's funny in that unfunny way that he's being so patient with me as I try to sort out the psychological baggage and trauma. I get the distinct impression that he is, to some extent, handling me with kid gloves. I feel a bit embarrassed by it. He, however, doesn't care if I'm embarrassed or not. Loki does what Loki does, damn who ever the hell gets in his way. So, when I go 'but I feel stupid' he gives me a pat on the head and a look like what you give a child who so totally doesn't have a clue and are really struggling in their efforts to understand.
Did I mention this is a hit to the ego? Yeah, he kinda laughs at that too. Tells me that I'm not some scary monster and to stop feeling like I am. It gets awkward at times. When the Father of Monsters tells you that you're not a monster... you wonder is it a compliment, rebuke, or statement of fact. Given that I'm getting an annoyed look right now, I'm guessing it's a statement of fact.
Ah well, somedays I guess I'm more dense then I am on others. Still, Loki is talking to me again!