10/25/12

Contemplation

Waxing Blood Moon (Age: 10 days)
Sign: Pisces
Weather: Fair, unseasonably warm
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In my enthusiaism, I believe I accidentally offended the Filianic women that I have begun corresponding with. I seized upon the images here as wonderful modern icons. I was then explained that they would not be canonical and therefore inappropriate icons. I posted an apology for the uproar I created.

As I walked out to run my errands this morning, I prayed on this matter.

I struggle to see how this is a more fitting representation of the Lady. I am to understand that the birth of the Daughter is a spiritual birth. Apparently images of the Lady suckling her Child are not canon as well. I am trying so very hard to understand this.

I can accept that clothes prevent the sacred from being seen by those who would profane it.

I struggle with the idea that the natural state of humanity is incorrect. I have prayed on this and no illumination came. The Lady simply smiles indulgently. I think I am struggling with something that is a strictly human concern. I suspect this is why she says nothing and gives no indication as to if these images are correct or not.

I am trying so very hard to understand. I am at a place where I am not comfortable. So much is shaken up and in the middle of it all, there She stands.

10/18/12

Can't anyone help?

Waxing Blood Moon (Age: 4 days)
Sign: Sagittarius
Weather: Mild, partly cloudy
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I'm called to following the Goddess in the aspect presented from the Deanic/Fillianic perspective. As I do research and attempt to find others, I am instead finding dead ends. Abandoned blogs, closed websites, and groups that appear to be inactive. I am becoming quite frustrated. I don't understand why I am called to this, I don't understand how I am supposed to proceed.

I acted according to Goddess's prompting and I have been praying the Fillianic rosary. I look for other things that could possibly guide me more upon this path and I find nothing. I confess, I am very frustrated. I don't know what direction I am supposed to turn. I'm called to follow a monotheistic Goddess faith along side my strange from of heathenism. I struggle to make things work when I have been operating from a shamanic flavored eclectic Wiccan framework. 

A part of me is so frustrated that I want to cry. A part of me leapt at the prospect that perhaps I was joining a community of other believers. I find, however, that there is no one else answering my call. It makes me feel horribly alone to see where things had started and then floundered. I feel like I'm late to the party and those who are inside won't let me in.

The perverse irony of the feeling in the light of the Christian parable has not been lost on me. I don't know what to do. I'll say my prayers and just do my best to trust the Gods to know what they are doing.

Humility & other thoughts

Waxing Blood Moon (Age: 3 days)
Sign: Sagittarius
Weather: Mild, light breezes, fair skies
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I've been focusing on the Mother Goddess over the last several days. She's inspired me to take some big steps after the ritual on Sunday. I sent a manuscript off to a publisher on Tuesday. Today, after a great deal of consideration and prayer, I wrote a letter to my Mom. And I'm sitting here working on my other writing projects with a consideration as to how to get them ready for publication.

All of this work, in the face of depressive and mixed episodes, it has been challenging. I've just been utterly worn out by the end of the day. That said, my home is clean (thanks to some assistance from my Aunt on Monday), my children are healthy, and my life is in some measure of order. I can't say this is something that came as a magical result of the ritual. But there is a distinct change to how I am approaching things.

The panic of everything is going to go wrong has lifted to a very large degree. I am also finding myself humbled by what I have accomplished. There is not the usual 'I don't understand? Doesn't everybody do this?' thought going on. I am looking around and realizing that I do a lot of hard work. And that I do it well. This kind of realization is fostering a sense of personal pride and just leaving me in a mild state of amazement. 

Today is not a mixed episode, depressive, or manic day. Today is just a 'normal' day. And I am seeing enormous impact here from that ritual. It gives me hope that I will continue to improve as this goes on. I am going to make a point of accepting the Mother Goddess's love. I am going to make a point of communicating to her my gratitude. And I am going to try to reach out to others who follow her.

When the Asier, Vanir, and Jotnar are all encouraging me to do this, it has to be something important. Now I just need to get matters settled with Loki. Flamehair wants me to act as a major priestess. My initial answer was 'No, my boys can't handle the chaos.' The discussion is now transitioning into one of what is needed to make that happen. If Flamehair wants me to do this, he will work with me to make it possible and to make sure that it doesn't create problems for my family. I must admit, however, his occasional bribe suggestions have been funny.

10/16/12

A Prayer

Ave Matris.
Ave Filia.
Ave occulta Deae,

10/11/12

Praying the Filianic Rosary

Waning Wine Moon (Age: 25 days)
Sign: Leo
Weather: Fair skies, seasonable temps.
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I just finished praying the Filianic Rosary. I did so as instructed on the Mother God website. I meditated upon the sacred mysteries as directed. I wasn't sure what to expect from this.

I am sitting here on the verge of tears. Let me start from the beginning, because I am rather starting in the middle of things.

As I was getting my materials together (my written copy of the prayers and one of my goddess rosaries), I thought about the concept of being in spiritual exile and sin. I thought very carefully about this point. It is one that has continually rankled me about religions that have a salvation focus. So, before I started to do these prayers, I examined this point.

It occurred to me that exile need not be banishment. Indeed, exile is not always self induced. The question arises, then, how could the term exile apply to me? I have resisted this term because of the heavy Christian connotations that we have 'chosen' our distance from the Divine or inherited the condition by virtue of our birth. It struck me like a thunderbolt that I could quite easily describe myself as in exile.

Am I exiled from some treasured homeland? Not exactly. And my exile wasn't self imposed. My exile comes from being forced away from the loving relationship that I so deeply desired with Mother. The barriers between myself and this relationship are my conditioned fears and behaviors. When I realized that, suddenly the anger at the concept of exile melted away. Beneath it, I found a deep sense of grief.

I then looked at the question of sin. I have not knowingly committed crimes against any Gods. Then a quiet voice whispered to me from within myself, that I have. In my failure to love and care for myself, I have committed a great sin, a great crime against the Goddess within me. The sense of grief deepened.

I then looked at this and the cycle of self neglect and self abuse. I realized that I did need a guide out of this state. I recognized that such a guide could be termed as a Savior. It was as though something suddenly became unlocked and I had the blinders that I had been wearing fall off. In the light of this understanding, I gathered together my things and decided to pray.

At first, the prayers were mechanical and awkward. As I moved deeper into them and eased into trance, I found myself tearing up at the parts where I plead for the Goddess's comfort and aid. I still feel that half painful sorrow. I tried to keep my focus on the mysteries. This, however, was subtly pushed aside as a vision came over me.

For the first time in years, I found myself back in that place of cobalt blue light. Within the light, there was a figure. It looked like all of the icons of the Virgin Mary. She stood before me, her arms out stretched. Roses were beneath her feet of all colors. Their scent hung heavy in the air, so much so that even after I finished praying, I could still smell them. I stood before her, struggling with the urge to burst into tears. I took a few steps forward and she took me into her arms.

I then came out of the trance. I still revere and follow the Aseir, Vanir, and Jotnar. I don't know how Dea is going to figure into this. The thing that I had been searching for in my quest to build a relationship with Goddess has been revealed. I had gotten a glimpse of it in the past and it was so very, very powerful. It was something that nearly drove me to my knees. I have found it again.

Ave Dea.

10/10/12

Mother?

Waning Wine Moon (Age: 24 Days)
Current Sign: Leo
Weather: Cloudy, rainy, cool
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I have been getting called to become involved with the Filianic faith. This is something that the goddesses of the Asa, Van, and Jotnar are all very strongly pushing. It is a strange feeling. They're not telling me that I'm not to follow them, only that I should follow this goddess as well. As such, I have been trying to keep this in mind as I go through my day.

I have started looking for prayers that I can use in the course of my day. I found this one on my first attempt of searching and I found it incredibly appropriate. It is a confusing place to be right now. This depressive episode isn't helping things any. I am, however, going to do my best to put the gods first and resume my work as a priestess.

Part of that work means being the best person I can be. It means doing what I can to be the best housewife I can be. It means doing what I can to be the best mother and spouse I can be. All of these things are blessed under the auspices of the goddesses I follow. I am not sure how this will come into the relationship with Dea.

I don't know if I am supposed to strive as a priestess or as a lay person. I feel rather confused as to how I should proceed. It's much like if the gods were telling me to pursue Christianity. I suppose, I should pray and wait patiently for clarification to be shown to me.

Until my next post, may the gods bless and keep you all.

10/4/12

The Gods are not Subtle.

Waning Gibbous Wine Moon (Age: 17 days)
Sign: Taurus
Weather: Seasonably warm and mild
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The Gods are not subtle all the time. When the decide they are going to make sure you know something, it seems to be engraved upon a brick and thrown at you sometimes. I had a cosmic 'clue by four' swung at my head today. An advertisement for me to subscribe to a professional Art magazine was sitting in my mailbox this morning. This is on the heels of having a small selection of work featured in an art show last month and being asked back by the director of the show for next year's exhibition.

And then there is the mountain of comments from people talking about how I should be getting my writing published. When it rains, it pours. For a little while, I was feeling like I was pretty worthless as an artist and an author. Then affirmation started rolling in like a great wave. I have decided that I am just going to focus on my work and let the rest of it all settle out on its own.

I feel as nervous as a cat in a rocking chair factory right now, but the Gods have put me on this path. And they are part of a rather large group who are pushing me forward. If I don't go willingly, I suspect I am about to be dragged. Being dragged forward into the future is not half as much fun as it sounds, even if that future is something pleasant.

I gave an oath to the Gods that in return with their help with a health matter that I was struggling with yesterday that I would take my writing (including this blog) more seriously. I am in the midst of working out a posting schedule, this way months don't go by with out even a peep in here. Look for more material in the near future.