6/16/14

What on Earth do I think I am doing?

Waning Rose Moon (19 days old)
Sign: Aquarius
Weather: humid, seasonably warm,
partly cloudy
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I think I've lost my blessed mind. I feel like perhaps this business of Freyr being interested in me as a potential spouse might actually be something I am called towards. The thing that had the scales tip in that favor was how he was constantly present over the last few days when I was dealing with a hypomanic episode. Freyr was quietly there helping me not to go on a mad cleaning binge in the middle of the night and restrain my wilder impulses. The thing that was amusingly ironic was that the fertility deity quietly but firmly said 'no, you're not healthy enough for it.' when I batted out there the possibility of some form of an intimate encounter between him and I.

People make fertility deities out to be up for sex of any flavor at all times and anytime. Freyr and his firm denial the other night showed me this stereotype is not the case. I'm not sure what this business means, though. It occurs to me that it has been approximately two years now that he has been 'courting' me. I find myself stumbling along feeling terribly confused more often then not.

Where Dea made things clear and the work she set before me is such that I can proceed with some sense of knowing what in Hel's name I am doing, this thing between Freyr and I confuses me. I am finding that confusion to be a frightening place. I struggle with my disability and find Freyr patiently standing at my side through it all. I struggle with anxiety over things like how to manage finances, and Freyr is quietly reassuring me that things will indeed get better as time goes on. While he has not scolded me, he has called me to task when I let my anxiety and fears get the better of me.

On the whole, he has been a loving, compassionate, and helpful presence in my life. It seems notable that Loki regularly prods me to get over my self-consciousness with regards to Freyr. I pray to them on a regular basis, though much of my prayer to Freyr is a mumbling 'um, hi. thank you for being here for me.' because I get tongue-tied. It is very frustrating when the words just fail me and he is so very ... attentive to what I want to say.

The interesting thing is, I think he knows what I try to say and is willing to let me struggle with how to say it because it's better for me to get the words out rather then just rely on his greater knowledge of the situation. I'm not going to go so far as to say that I am a godspouse. Freyr and Loki generally laugh at me when I say I don't know enough to be one. I haven't pledged myself to Freyr in that fashion. My fear of failure to meet what ever duties come with that kind of oath is what stops me. Freyr is of the opinion that I'll get over it soon enough.

Little things like random stalks of wheat growing next to the mailbox where there was only grass before and a Viceroy butterfly flitting about my head tells me that he is with me. I try to keep up with my little offerings and efforts. It doesn't feel like enough. I feel like I'm attempting to tread water where I can't reach the bottom. It is a very unnerving feeling. I catch myself fearing that all of this will be too much and that I am perhaps losing my mind. And then the gods nudge reminders that all of this truly is real into my path.

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