8/30/14

Blessings of the day.

New Harvest Moon (Age: 4 days)
Sign: Scorpio
Weather: partly cloudy skies, seasonable, humid
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In my recent depressive episode, I had a hard time seeing the blessings that surround me. As I write this, I see my children playing with my husband out in the front yard. I have a pantry and refrigerator full of food. We have clothes to wear and clean water to drink. We have a means to safely prepare our food and to dispose of the waste that we generate. When it is cold, we have warmth. When it is hot, we have an air conditioner and windows to open for a breeze.

My children are blessed with good health, as is my husband. While I am disabled, in most other ways I am healthy. My husband is thankfully employed and receives a paycheck that allows us to meet our needs, for the most part. We have a library and the wonders of the internet to bring us more knowledge then we can consume in our lives. There is music to listen to that we don't have to pay someone for or produce ourselves. We live as the very wealthy did in ages passed, if not better.

I am so deeply thankful for these things and so many more that I just can't put into words right now. My home is a place of peace and safety. The hand of Freyr has been extended over my family in kindness and shelter from the greater sorrows that afflict people around us. I lack the words to adequately express my gratitude for his blessing. Frith, harmony, health, and functional wealth all have come to us and these are blessings that I strive not to take for granted.

Hail to the Golden God! May he be ever praised and loved.

8/20/14

Wandering around in trance.

Waning Corn Moon (Age: 25 days)
Sign: Cancer
Weather: Partly cloudy, humid
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Earlier this evening, I was chatting with Njord's Wife and I told her a bit about a trance journey I did a few nights ago. I guess it was Saturday night before I went to bed that I did a trance journey to visit Odin, as per Loki's very strong urging. I found myself in a small room with a table that was almost too big for it sitting in the center and a large chair behind it. Odin was sitting in the chair dressed in blue jeans and a blue plaid flannel shirt with the sleeves rolled up. On the table, there was a net of some kind, I think it was a fishing net, that he was working on repairing.

He looked up from his work and I suddenly got very self conscious. I basically tried to make myself completely unnoticeable, which was nonsensical because a.) you can't exactly hide from a god and b.) there was no where to hide. He looked up from his netting and said bluntly, "You have to stop this. You're better then that." I has the brilliant idea of attempting to argue that I wasn't worthy of his attention.

I stammered something about how I was just an ordinary human, a mere housewife of no consequence. Right after the words were out of my mouth, I felt a little sick with fear. I expected Odin to get angry with me for arguing with him. He surprised me. 

Odin gave an exasperated sigh, put down the netting, and gave me a stern look. He then told me to come sit down. The only chair in the room was his chair. I started to move to sit on the floor when he gave me an 'are you kidding me?' look and then patted beside himself on the chair. I went and sat down beside him. I had the curious feeling of being a little kid sitting beside a grown adult. This feeling only intensified as Odin put an arm around my shoulders and looked solemnly at me.

He then told me that I had to stop living in the past. I, being the genius I am at times, started to say that I wasn't living in the past. That was when Odin told me that all of my negative self talk was my reliving the past and that I had to stop doing it if I wanted to get any better. I felt kinda ashamed of myself when he said that. I had a hard time looking at him because of how ashamed I felt.

Then Odin gave me a bit more of a hug. He smiled at me and patted my right knee which was kinda against his. He told me that I was going to be alright and that I was loved by far more then I realized and that I had to start showing myself some of that love.

Odin exuded all of the good qualities of a father. It was as if I had all the warm memories of my Dad and Grandpa rolled into one with every other potential good experience of a parental figure at the same time. I didn't get any sense of anger or disappointment with me (which I was afraid of happening). Instead, I got the impression of pride, love, and fatherly concern. It makes me feel a bit foolish for being so afraid to approach him before now.

I also did a trance journey to visit with Mani for the first time since I was a child. I found myself in a night time grove of trees. A white chariot/cart with black windows was off on one side. Two white horses were cropping the grass nearby. Mani was sitting on the lip of a well at the center of the grove, holding a white bow in his left hand, unstrung. He smiled at me as though I was an old friend.

I apologized for not coming back to see him and he waved my apology off. He said that my pointed observance of the moon was enough when I had so much going on. He laughed when I voiced some concern and confusion at his presence when I knew that the moon was up and on its way through the sky. Again, there was amusement as my attempting to apply the logic of Midgard to deities. Mani seemed to find this adorable, as he declared it was cute of me attempting to do so and then reminding me that gods are not as limited as humans and the other occupants of Midgard.

8/17/14

Rambling update and such.

Waning Corn Moon (Age: 22 Days)
Sign: Gemini
Weather: Partly Cloudy, seasonably mild
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The last few weeks have been rather rough on me. I've been struggling with my bipolar, namely with the depressive aspect of it, for a while now. It has sapped so much of the strength out of me that it makes engaging in ritual of any sort difficult. I also have the challenge of having two little boys running wild all over the place. School starts in a little over two weeks. I am anticipating holding a small blót for the blessing of my children as they embark on a new school year.

I have been having a hard time finding time to do more then write in my prayer journal. Even that has been difficult to do. I feel as though I'm failing to meet my obligation to the gods by not engaging in active worship practices every day. I, however, have gotten the distinct impression from the gods that the one putting the onus on my shoulders is myself, not them. If anything, they have been admonishing me to be more understanding with myself and focus on doing what I can within my limitations, rather then forcing myself to do as I would if I was perfectly fine.

I have been doing regular trance journeys to just be with Freyr for a little while now. Usually, the trance journey has me meeting him in a field at the edge of a forest. We walk in the forest and I tell him about my day and what I have on my mind. He seems to be pleased with this effort. I still worry that I am engaging in fantasizing and dealing with sock puppets of my mind. Freyr's response to this concern has ranged from bemusement to mild exasperation to pity. Of the three responses, it is the pity one that upsets me.

It deeply troubles me to think that anyone, especially a deity, pities me. I have been raised to see pity as something for the weak and wretched. I try to put that life lesson to the side but it has been very challenging to do so. Freyr seems to be of the mind that I should learn to accept that pity is not a bad thing, nor is mercy, when it is directed at me.

At Loki's behest, I did a trance journey to visit Odin. It was awkward. Mostly, I was the one having difficulty. Odin seemed very confused with my tendency to be so harsh with myself and yet so compassionate with others. He also seemed disappointed with the fact that this is my 'default' way to treat myself. Odin has given me some work to do and sternly demanded that I continue to give full effort on my psychotherapy and related work. 
 
Among the things that Odin has directed me to do is learn more about runes, bindrunes, and galdr. He is of the opinion that I am not fully utilizing my gifts and that I will make a great deal more progress in pretty much all areas if I focus on these things. I find it interesting that Odin has given me the directive to learn about bindrunes and Loki has nudged (if you count shoving with both hands and full force a nudge) me to resume work on sigils. I have a little notebook where I have a few things about sigils written in it. I suppose it is time for me to break that out and work on it again.

With the increasingly powerful presence of the Norse gods (mainly the Vanir and the Aesir), I am finding myself discontented with my altar. The statuettes that I used to represent the Wiccan God and Goddess (a figure of Buddha and Kwan Yin) feel completely disconnected from what I am working with now. The Kwan Yin figure sort of works for my dealings with Dea in the aspect of the Daughter but I have a statuette that resonates more strongly with that front. I want to acquire figurines or something else that can serve as a meditative focus and icon for the Norse gods but everything that I look at is terribly expensive.

I am half tempted to use some salt clay and make some figurines but I know that my skills in figure making are severely lacking. I can do the equivalent of stick figures in clay. I've tried asking the gods what I should do and they merely smile at my desire to have depictions of them and give no direction. It is somewhat upsetting for me because I am at a complete loss for how to proceed. I see figures that I like on the crafting group I'm apart of but I'm afraid to attempt to barter with the creators because they are making things that would be worth several hundreds of dollars and my little things are no where near that.

I don't know what I am going to do on that front. Loki admonishes me to be patient and that what I need will come to me. I've a prayer card for Mani. It is breathtaking and looks exactly like how he did when he appeared to me when I was a child and struggling with nightmares. I have it sitting on my altar beside a little travel shrine I made for Freyr and a glass jar with an ear of wheat in it. I am going to do my best to let the items come to me in their own time. Either the funds to acquire the figurines will come to me or something that I can use for a devotional focus will find its way to me. 
 
I'm trying not to be impatient. But I don't know what to do with the other statuettes. I have a green jade statuette of Buddha that I don't know what to do with it either. I am confident that it needs to go to a good home, I just don't know who or where it is to go.