1/26/15

Letters to Loki # 9 - Long day is long.

Hello there Sly One,

It's been a rough while since I last wrote. I've been dealing with a depressive episode and only today have I felt like I had my wits together enough to actually write you via the blog. It's somewhat amusing that even having slept approximately half of the day away, I still feel like I have had a very long day. I suppose being depressed will do that to you.

I've been looking at my writing project and feeling like what I am producing is garbage. I will not delete it or do anything rash like that. I am just feeling very unsure about it. I have been doing what I can to stay too busy to be sucked into the trap of unhealthy thinking. I honestly don't know how well that has worked out today. I've gotten a little bit more knit on this scarf I'm making and I got at least two pages written on the manuscript. It was, however, difficult work to get either done.

You're right, by the way, and I'll publicly admit it, I have been too hard on myself. I am not doing very good with the whole self-compassion thing. It's exhausting and I feel like I'm doing it all wrong. Yeah, I know, it's counter-productive to put things in those terms but it was the best I could think of right now. I apologize for not having enough faith in myself and getting snippy when you encourage me. It's really a thoughtless thing to argue with someone when they're just trying to get you to see the positive side of things. I apologize for that.

You've said it several times over the last week that you're furious with the people who hamstrung my confidence in my writing. I was thinking about this after you said it again earlier this evening. I suppose I never really thought to take the perspective that my difficulties were learned. I'm not talking about glaring typos and grammatical nightmares. Those are all me when I get sloppy about things, I own that. But the idea that what I write simply isn't good enough for anyone to see and that I don't have the stuff (skills/knowledge/authority/whatever) to write about given topics... I never considered that this was something I learned.

Now, however, as I look back, I can point at some people in formative years who made a point of telling me how badly I was doing things (even when I did them right, they found something to criticize) and insisting that I had no legitimate talent. I thought about it this evening and I am of mixed feelings about this. On one hand, I suppose the first step to resolving the problem is recognizing there is one and what the signs of its presence are. On the other hand, this shift in my personal narrative makes me very uncomfortable.

And I'm pretty angry about the fact that I'm uncomfortable with shifting my personal narrative to more positive terrain. I don't know what I'm going to do with that anger. I may just go ahead and do some artwork. Knitting isn't exactly good for anger unless I'm so angry I need something to hyper-focus on to avoid tearing someone's head bodily off their shoulders. I'm going to do my best to get through the squicky feels about doing artwork from a place of anger. You're right, after all, what ever I put down on the canvas or paper can't harm me. In some respects, it's literally binding that thoughtform to the physical object and reducing its sway over me.

I also really should have that conversation with Odin. My avoiding him really isn't doing any good and I suspect if I keep it up any longer he's going to come to me and start the conversation. And he probably won't be in a good mood when that happens. Irritating Odin is pretty big on my DO NOT DO list.

I guess I had more to say then I thought I did. Thank you for being so patient with me. And thank you for getting so angry and outraged on my behalf when the bad stuff from the past pops up. It validates me and I don't have word to express how much that means to me. I'll try to do better tomorrow. Who knows, maybe it will be a good brain day. I kinda needed because I've got to go out of the house and do stuff tomorrow. Ah well, I won't whine about it because that doesn't change anything. Thank you again.

Love and Gratitude,
Me

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