2/9/15

Letters to Loki # 11 (untitled)

Hey there Sly One,

I've just been wracking my brains on how to move forward on this manuscript. It's been really frustrating. It's bad enough that I realized I'm not going to make the deadline I had set, but to keep getting blocked on what to say is awful. I'm sure that a lot of this is because of my mental health issues and the measures being taken to resolve them. It am fairly confident that I am going to be feeling somewhat more like myself in a few weeks. It just bothers me to no end that I'm not feeling better right now.

The snowfall today was pretty intense. I think I may have over did it when I was shoveling the snow earlier. Honestly, I kinda found myself wishing for a flamethrower a few times. Ok, more then a few times, but you get the picture. I did my best to stay cheerful and pleasant towards everybody I encountered today. I even made a point of returning phone calls, though I just wanted to hole up somewhere and hide from everything. I don't know if this is a sign that I am making progress on the social phobia thing or not. I'm just going to keep taking those small steps in the hopes that maybe I can regain something of my life before I got disabled.

It's been tough trying to come to grips with that fact. Saturday was a really rough day. I wound up crying myself to sleep (quietly) over it all. I am torn between anger that I got like that and this weird mixture of disgust and shame over it. Beloved tells me that it's perfectly reasonable for me to feel so hurt and angry with it all. Freyr tells me that it's ok if I get scared by all this. I just keep getting mad at myself for having those feelings. It's something I'm probably going to bring up when I see my therapist next week. As much as I just wish I could ignore it all and have it magically go away, I know that it isn't going to and attempting to take that approach is going to do me more harm than good.

I feel sad that I don't have something happier to post today. Maybe once the medication adjustment takes full effect, I won't be such a downer. I'm embarrassed to report that the social phobia thing has been making it hard for me to actually sit down and talk with Odin about all of this. I've been panicking that he will be angry and disgusted with me over my weakness. As a result, I have been running in proverbial circles. I know that he's patient but it really is better if I screw my courage to the sticking place and talk to him. I just can't seem to do it, though. Panic overrides me and I sit there staring blankly into space as I perseverate over the idea that the Old Man is going to be angry with me for being disabled.

I am doing my best to keep the 'fragile bone' analogy in mind. It's been hard work to do so, honestly. I wish that mental illness didn't have so much shame attached to it. I wish that people were as willing to extend some consideration on this front as they are for people who have more 'sexy' diseases. But, I guess wishing for something like that is like wishing for the sky to suddenly change color to neon pink or something. There is a possibility it could happen, but the stats say that it's highly unlikely. It's the end of the day, though, so I can say 'fuck it' and go hide or something now. I'm rambling now, so I think I'll end this here.

Thank you, Loki, for being there for me. And for being the voice of logic when I get stuck in a mental loop that's unhealthy. And for making me laugh when I really don't want to. You're an awesome friend and I really appreciate all that you do.

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