4/27/15

Letters to Loki #19 Fuck Bipolar.

Hey there Sly Fox,

I did it. I wrote about the thing like you encouraged me to. I don't exactly feel better for it but maybe this is one of those it takes a while to kick in. I'm getting sick and tired of this depressive episode bullshit. I've been somewhere between angry, anxious, and wanting to hide somewhere and cry all day. It's been pretty awful.

I keep catching myself getting upset because I can't just go and be like I was before the bipolar came into the picture. (Or before it became so bad to be clinical. I don't know. I'm confused on the whole matter, to be honest.) This adjusting to my new normal is really fucking hard. I hate it. I get myself to a point where I feel like I'm about ok and then the next depressive episode hits or my PTSD acts up. Or something else goes wrong.

I'm sick of it. I just want to be healthy again. And then I have days where I wonder if I ever really was healthy to begin with. It's damn depressing. I'm trying to be positive and turn these fucking lemons into lemonade but I just want to throw 'em in the freezer to then throw at people who irritate me. It's a good thing, I suppose, that my freezer is kinda small and full right now. And that the lemons are proverbial.

This disability business is bullshit, man. Serious, weapons grade bullshit.

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