Letters to Loki # 23 - Rambling and ranting.

Dear Loki,

Today has been a rather long day. I was reaching a point of intense frustration when Beloved gave the wonderful suggestion of going out and picking up take-out for dinner. Having eaten a good portion of shrimp in garlic sauce and lo mein, I feel a bit less on the verge of either screaming or throwing stuff. I guess part of my problem was low blood sugar. I thought I had gotten past the whole 'forgetting to eat' thing. Looks like I was wrong.

The sky outside right now is really impressive. It is raining but the sun is setting. It is at such an angle where the whole western sky is lit up with shades of orange. I'm sure if I stepped out and looked east, I'd see a rainbow right now. It is, however, wet and windy out there. I don't think I'm going to do it, but I will admire it all from right here in the living room.

I keep getting things tangled up on how to approach my creative efforts. Freyr is wisely telling me not to take an 'all or nothing' approach. It's been tempting to just say that since I can't do much now that I should just give up on the whole mess. I am, however, listening to his better judgment and putting such decisions aside. It is, honestly, awkward for me to listen to Freyr's advice. He's been suggesting over the last several days that perhaps I have been operating a little too much under the influence of my past trauma.

At his encouragement, I picked up my therapy journal and I have been writing in it again. It is really uncomfortable. I guess the best way to describe it is that writing in there is the mental equivalent to having that wound drain pulled out of my side. And, like when I had that damn thing taken out, I recognize this is necessary and something that is only going to help my long term welfare. I get angry with the fact that I have to do all these things (therapy, journaling, medications, etc.) to manage some degree of mental stability. I look around at how other people are going on with their lives and I feel intense envy for how 'easy' it seems to be.

Then I mentally smack myself and remind myself that I'm comparing things that have no relation to each other. Freyr's been suggesting that I consider talking to my therapist about finding some sort of PTSD support group. I have been hemming and hawing over it. I don't feel like there's much for someone like me in my area. I have had a hard time looking around and finding support stuff for us when it comes to the kids autism. I'm afraid to go looking for myself.

Fear has been a big problem for a little while now. Some of it is because I haven't been sleeping well. I have been having nightmares and trouble sleeping since late last August. I'm now on 8 different medications. If the three I'm taking to sleep at night don't resolve the problem or at least mitigate it, then my psych provider is talking about putting me on Ambien. I've read a little bit about Ambien. It makes me a bit nervous.

I have been feeling really upset about the fact that I take all these medications. I know that mental illness is as legitimate of a health condition as diabetes. I still can't shake the feeling, however, that I have some how failed because I'm taking medication to manage my symptoms. Every time I go to take my medicine, I get this awful sinking feeling in my stomach and I feel terribly, terribly guilty. My therapist says this will pass as I get the bad programming from my youth out of my head. Apparently conditioning is harder to put aside then sticking to a diet is.

Speaking of diets, I have come to the conclusion that baked tofu is probably one of the worst things I have tired in my attempts to eat vegetarian meals for breakfast and lunch on most days. I still have three blocks of the stuff sitting in the fridge. I am pretty sure the kids won't touch it. I know that Beloved will not eat it. So, I think I'm going to have to just throw it out. Apparently, the only way I can tolerate tofu is in hot and sour soup or miso soup. And I don't have the stuff to make either.

I can't think of anything more to write. I could go on about how upset I am with my mental health issues, but I think I covered that pretty completely. We watched a parade for Memorial Day. The kids loved the two marching bands and the firetrucks. I have been wracking my brains on something I can do for the ancestors. I feel badly saying that it is probably only going to be a small food offering and a candle. I want to do more but I just can't think of anything. I hope that I'm not disappointing them with what I have to give. I am, probably, over thinking things again. Another habit I really should consider breaking, I suppose.

No comments: