7/6/15

Letters to Loki # 28 (untitled)

Dear Sly One,

I was a busy day today. Mainly, I was just doing a lot of minor tasks and then running around with the kids. A good amount of the shock with respect to my grandmother's death has worn off. I'm not wandering around incapacitated with grief. This surprises me, because I was extremely close to her. Instead, I keep thinking that it was good that her suffering from dementia and the pains of old age has ended. And the thought that she is now with my grandfather keeps running through my mind.

I have placed the prayer card for her from the funeral home on my ancestor shrine. It is right next to my grandfather's. It feels like the right thing to do. I want to do something more for them but nothing pops up in my mind. It just keeps going back to what my grandfather said to me when he was dying from cancer: just take care of your family and work on your book. I am doing my best to keep those things as my focus. A part of me says that it isn't as important as some nebulous other thing I 'should' be doing. I'm pretty sure that is my perfectionism and inner critic talking, though.

I've been doing some thinking, when I had some quiet time today, and I realized that my inner critic is a vicious bitch who just wants to destroy me. It isn't the same thing as my inner editor, if that makes any sense. In my last therapy session, last month, I told my therapist that my inner critic wasn't this monster. But, after some serious consideration, I came to realize I was doing two things to hinder myself. The first was denying that I had that problem, to some extent. The second thing I realized I was doing was that I was attempting to defend my inner critic a lot like how I defended my abusers in the past whilst in the relationship. The first realization annoyed me. The second rather horrified me.

I'm not entirely sure how to proceed forward with this knowledge. All of my feeling of disturbance and discomfort is no longer focused on my grandmother's death but rather the fact that I have been perpetuating the abuse cycle in my self talk. Don't really know what to do about that. I'm sure I'll think of something.

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