7/27/15

Letters to Loki No. 30: WTF did I think I was doing?

Dear Loki,

I am sitting here looking at this project I am working on and quietly panicking. It is really frustrating. I know that part of my problem is I am getting the jitters because I'm about to take another big step towards getting this writing career off the ground. I still feel like I am doomed to screw this up. I know that is my anxiety talking. I really hate my anxiety. I feel like I should duct tape its mouth shut and throw it in a basement or something, but I can't because it doesn't work like that.

I have also been feeling overwhelmed by the volume of stuff I had to take care of today. I know that tomorrow will be a bit easier because I won't have the bills to worry about. And I got the whole kitchen clean, so there is one less thing to worry about there. Still, I just feel like this whole being a responsible adult business is more than what I signed up for. Then I remember, there was no way to avoid it and do my best to get over it.

I really want to get my writing stuff going well. I just wish I didn't get so scared of dealing with other people. That anxiety that leaves me speechless is horrible. And the mental fog that goes along with it is equally rotten. I keep telling myself today will be the day I go out and do something more, be more interactive with society, etc. Then I get to the end of the day, feeling exhausted and discouraged because I used up my proverbial spoons managing the house and just keeping things on an even keel.

I try not to get upset about it all. It is hard, though. I keep asking myself if neurotypical people are all doing a better job of handling this stuff and my problem is not that I have too many balls in the air but not enough capacity to juggle them. It's a really bad habit and I'm working on breaking it. My therapist says that it isn't fair of me to do that to myself because I'm basing my self worth on comparing myself to somebody else's good days. I know she has a big point. I just tend to forget it when I get stressed out.

I had something more I wanted to add but I forgot what it was when the computer crashed a few minutes ago. I suppose if it is important, I'll mention it when I talk to you later. If not, I probably won't remember it.

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