7/26/15

Signal Clarity & Ramblings

Waxing Blue Moon (Age: 10 Days)
Sign: Sagittarius
Weather: Humid, partly cloudy,
& seasonably warm
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
A little while back, Freyr, Loki, and Odin told me that I needed to complete three books this summer. With my difficulty finding writing time, I began to panic a little. In my effort to feel as though I had actually accomplished something, I took out the boys' scrapbooks and started updating them. As I worked, I had this powerful sense of peace fill me. I no longer felt the frantic anxiety that I wasn't going to finish the deeds I was called to do in the time frame allotted. As I sat with that feeling, Freyr made his presence known. I asked him if this was what I was supposed to be working on. He nodded and smiled as he gave me a hug and kissed my temple.

As I am getting ready for the publication of book two of the fantasy series I am writing, Loki made himself quite impossible to ignore. (Not that I ignore him when he annoys me.) He was just about beside himself with excitement today as I posted the first of the several posts I will be making leading up to the release. That was when I realized this was one of the three books I was supposed to complete this summer. Between the two scrapbooks and this novel, I have three books I'm wrapping up this summer. I feel a bit silly for making myself panic over finishing others that I have partially written.

Some days, I get a message from the gods or the spirits and I understand it fairly well. Those are days where I have good signal clarity on my 'godphone'. Then there are the days where I misunderstand, misinterpret, or generally mess up the message. Those are the bad signal clarity days. Other psychics don't talk about it much, but they do happen on a fairly regular basis. I have noticed that my bad signal clarity days happen when I am really anxious or stressed out over something. I tend to overthink everything and make assumptions when I'm like that.

I suppose there is still something of a learning curve when you're doing psychic stuff, even if you've been at it for most of your life. In some cases, that learning curve is tied to the work you are doing. In other cases, like most recently for myself, it is tied to things regarding how you handle the work you are doing. Loki is right when he says I have a bad habit of taking on the biggest possible task I can at a given moment. He has been making strongly worded suggestions that I either deal with it in my therapy journal writing or some pointed discussions with my therapist.

When he hasn't been busy with his laser guided commentary on my issues, Loki has been trolling me. It seems like every time I'm out driving and he shows up, Up Town Funk starts playing. And I am beginning to get sick of Up Town Funk. It was funny at first, especially with him lipsynching and dressed in a gaudy holloween styled pimp suit. We've no progressed past funny into 'dear gods, give me a break.' Loki has been getting some laughs at my exasperation. Good friends: they poke you with sticks sometimes just to make you jump. I keep telling him that I'm going to get even. That makes him laugh harder. But, that kinda makes sense. It's sort of impossible to troll a deity. It's like trying to tell him a joke and he blurts out the punchline before I've even gotten started. But, that's Loki for you. I love him how he is, even when he drives me nuts.

Freyr... Where do I begin with him? So much I want to say but I feel uncomfortable doing so. People tending to hate on the people who are romantically involved with deities makes me really uncomfortable to begin with. The thought of that including insulting attitudes towards Freyr really makes me wary. Still, he is of the opinion that I blog a bit about how things are between him and I, so I am going to make the effort. He assures me it will all turn out well. So, there is that.

I've been struggling pretty hard with body image issues and eating for a while now. Freyr has been helping me keep track of how often and what I eat. Because of his firm direction, I have transitioned almost completely away from drinking soda. Instead, I've been having iced tea and iced coffee. As a result of just cutting down on the soda, I have lost several pounds. I'm getting ahead of myself. A few months ago, I got so stressed out that I was starting to starve myself again. (I was borderline anorexic in high school.) The feeling like everything in my life was out of control thus the only real control I had was over what I ate really did a number on me. Over the course of about three weeks, I dropped around 30 lbs.

Freyr was not pleased. I felt guilty and scared that I was getting really bad again. Beloved was just as upset as Freyr. It was a pretty shitty time. Beloved and Freyr helped me get back to eating three meals a day. It took a few weeks but I got back to it. My weight went up by about seventeen pounds but I was actually eating properly so I didn't get upset about that. Ever since I had the boys, I have been looking at the number on the scale and feeling like it was disgustingly too high. My doctor hasn't said anything about my weight being unhealthy. I didn't have anyone actively telling me I looked awful. Beloved was horrified by the idea that I felt like I was disgustingly fat. I blame all of the damn advertisements out there that tells women to lose weight to be beautiful. That passive version of mind manipulation is damaging, especially for women who have some what fragile grasps on a positive body image, like myself.

Freyr has taken some offense to the idea that I have this distorted image. He is not offended with me but on my behalf. It is a strange position to be in, to be honest. It just never occurred to me that he's be angry with something like that. He is, however. (You just don't want to see how angry Freyja is over this concept. Spitting mad is an understatement. In other news, Freyja is scary when she is furious, even if it is not directed at you and on your behalf. D/N/T Vanadis. EVER!) Because he is concerned about how this stuff is affecting me and is more than a little angry about how it is damaging to so many people, he became more active in helping me manage my health stuff.

Some days, I feel depressed and I start to really savagely rip on myself. Freyr has literally shaken me out of that mindset when it got really bad. Nothing is quite so odd as having muscle spasms that don't hurt and makes your whole arm tremble. The weirdness of it broke that mental loop as I tried to figure out what was going on and if this was because of my medication. But it only happened once, so I don't think I'm developing tardive dyskinesia or anything else like that. That was a strange and disturbing experience but it got the job done. And I have discovered that Freyr is like Loki with respect to being completely mercenary about getting something handled. He will use whatever method is at hand and most effective.

Thus, when I found myself going in the opposite direction and starting to 'eat my feelings' Freyr stepped in and made 99.9% of everything sweet taste awful. When the gummy bear addict is repulsed by the gummy bears, you know something is up. As I have been getting better at handling things in moderation, I'm finding that sweets are not quite so wretched. I still get fed up with them (LOL pun) pretty quickly but I can progress beyond being ready to spit out the stuff as soon as it hit my tongue.

I also think that Freyr is part of the reason why I have a hard time sitting still when the weather is nice. Last summer, I wasn't really keen on the idea of being outside but now I've been going out every day that it isn't raining. We've been taking walks and looking at the public gardens at the park by the lake that is a short ways from my home. Sometimes on those walks, we'll talk. Other times, he's just by my side. There have been a few times where there was a very faint second shadow beside mine on the side where Freyr is walking. It was pretty cool and I was thrilled.

When he isn't helping me manage my health issues and we're not out admiring the seasonal flowers, Freyr will sometimes just be with me while I'm working on stuff. Just the other day, I was paying bills as he was nearby working on something. Nonoriel Lokisson has described his spouse as sitting around doing paperwork while he is making stuff or doing whatever he does to run his business. It kinda baffled me. And then it happened with Freyr. I was sitting on the couch, knitting one of the presents I've been making people for Yule, when I looked over to see Freyr with a lap desk and a stack of papers almost an inch thick and reading glasses. It was, honestly, the reading glasses that threw me for a loop. I asked him why he was wearing them and he said, "They're comfortable and makes things easier." You can't argue with that type of response, even if it is coming out from behind some type of paperwork in a script you have no way of reading.

(Anyone else who is involved with Freyr, can you confirm if he is a polyglot? I keep getting the impression that he knows ALL THE LANGUAGES. A lot like Loki, to be honest.)

Most of the time, things with Freyr are fairly low key and relaxed. There are times where he will sternly tell me to stop doing something (ie a habit I am trying to break) or will become super serious about something we're discussing. But those are the exception to the rule. For some reason, I had this idea that being involved with a deity was some type of storybook romance and like the spiritual equivalent of champagne and roses half the time. I don't know why I got that impression from the godspouse blogs that I have read. But, between Freyr and I things are downright domestic. (If he ever gives you recommendations on how to improve a recipe, LISTEN. Amazing things came from that and I regret that I didn't write down what we used to make that salad dressing. It was seriously one of the best things I have had this year.)

Though there has been no sort of ceremony, Freyr has taken to calling me his wife. I usually counter with 'but we're not married' and his rejoinder is 'close enough.' Loki has found this to be hilarious. Especially when Freyr manages to make me flustered and all I can do is splutter out that retort. I've been deemed adorable because of this. I have a feeling that things are going to be getting interesting over the next few months.

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