8/23/15

On godspousery

Waxing Corn Moon (Age: 8 days)
Sign: Sagittarius
Weather: Seasonable, fair skies
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I'm pushed by them to write this but it terrifies me. Signs have popped up like mushrooms after a night of rainstorms just further pushing that point. I feel a little sick with anxiety but the urge to write won't leave me. My courage falters at posting this on Veiled Witch. I can only hope that this post satisfies them at least long enough for me to catch my breath and find words for it all.

I bicker with Freyr as to if I am yet a spouse. I insist that there has been no formal wedding or rite between us. He usually laughs it off and says that I am welcome to my opinion. But over the last few days, his response is more firm. A laundry list of deities have declared me as his spouse, including his mother and sister. I stammer protestations that I can't possibly be so but Ingvi brooks no argument now. He demands that I put aside my 'childish, stubborn arguments' and step up. He has made very plain his position on the matter and apparently has hit the end of his rope with my reluctance to go along with it. He says "You can not argue the day into night. You can not argue a stone into sand. Stop and accept what is. Your argument won't change what is."

And then there is Loki. Ah gods, what manner of mess have I landed myself into here? Worldbreaker has gone from decades of 'yer cute but I'm not into you like that' to very suddenly the monster of all my dreams and fantasies that I never have breathed a word of with more than affection there. I would say love but it scares me to call it that. He knows where all the proverbial bodies are buried and helped me bury a few of 'em. Each secret I have, each little psychological button, and all the things I don't express; Loki knows all of them. And he intends to show them to Freyr. While Loki has not claimed me as bride in his words towards me, his demeanor very much says this.

I am very afraid right now. I fear I am in such deep water that I have no hope of surviving it. The thing I fear the most, however, is what they intend to give me. Freedom from the mental bondage I have been in for so long, it spurs this almost agoraphobic need for me to hide. But they're stripping away my walls and masks. They're placing me squarely where my needs can not be avoided, only met. And this terrifies me.

I silently scream that I don't deserve it. But the reply is that my opinions on what I deserve are irrelevant next to my needs. My terror is over being raised up from where I have fallen. I fear that I must not lift my head too high or reach too far. I fear something beyond the frustration of gods if I stand at my full stature, and I don't know what it is.

And so many gods right now in my life, they tell me it is time to walk forward or be dragged. And Loki promises that if I am dragged, I will enjoy every inch along the way, which only scares me even more. I can not flee. There is no where I can run because I am surrounded and all my cleverness fails to turn this aside.

My courage is faltering but I have given my word. What have I done?

8/15/15

Hail the All Father.


I was feeling miserable this morning after waking up from a nightmare and a stressful week. Then this popped up on my Facebook feed. The timing was amazing. I was feeling like a failure and a disappointment. Then I saw this and blinked. Then I smiled.

Thanks Odin, I needed that. Love you too.

Dreams and Nightmares.

Waxing Corn Moon (Age: 1 day)
Sign: Virgo
Weather: Hot, sultry &
partly cloudy skies
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Because my stress levels have been stupidly high, I have been having nightmares again. I've taken a bit of a risk by not taking my anti-nightmare recall med but I think I'm learning to regain some control over them. I don't remember much of my nightmares last night except that they were of fire. The last one I recall is the clearest, wherein I was trapped in a burning house. It became a lucid dream as the house caught fire and I attempted to change the dream. My efforts, however, somehow only served to make the fire (and my panic) even worse. In my distress in the dream, I screamed out to Loki for help.

There was utter silence and not even a ghost of his presence. He just wasn't there. So, I called out to Freyr. Then calm flooded through me and I was lifted out of sleep as Freyr held me and just said, "I'm here." When I reflected on it, I realized that Loki purposely wasn't there because I need to turn to Freyr more for help. I felt like an idiot when I realized that my habitual cry to Loki (who for the longest time was the only one whom I felt present and accessible, because Dea intimidated me so much she didn't feel accessible) was part of my problem. Fortunately enough, however, neither Loki or Freyr were irritated with me over it. Honestly, if I wasn't one to have fire nightmares when I got super stressed out, I would have suspected that the dream was engineered by Flame Hair himself as yet another shove to make me get over myself with respect to Freyr. To a small part, honestly, I do suspect him a little bit because of that sly look he gave me when I made the realization this morning as I was journaling.

When I'm not having nightmares, I'm have surreal dreams about the past. They're like seeing still snapshots of things that happened rather than reliving the trauma. And when they happen, I am not upset in any fashion. If anything, I'm annoyed. Freyr assures me that this is a sign that I am truly making progress integrating it all. I dearly hope that is the case. But, it is weird to see the terrible things happen in still images from random moments of the experience. I think the strangeness of it serves to insulate me from the horror to some extent. Thus, I am thankful for it.

Aside from the surreal dreams, I have started having a dream where a veiled female figure is sitting on a throne illuminated by some kind of spotlight in a dark hall. In the dream, I walk the length of the hall but it fades before I get close enough to see her clearly. While the Filianic interpretation of the dream would suggest either Sai Rhavë or, in the worst case, the Dark Queen, I don't think this is the case. In my past encounters with Sai Rhavë, she has appeared as a tall, solemn woman of great age whose manner of dress is akin to that of a Greek Orthodox woman in black. And she is always carrying a scythe or sickle. Also, Sai Rhavë appears to me standing in a field that has been or is being harvested. Sometimes she is holding dried flowers and other times a bowl with decaying fruit. But this veiled woman in my dream does not have any of the energy of Sai Rhavë to her. Nor does she have the ... menace of the Dark Queen.

I have felt a brush of the Dark Queen's energy. It was perhaps one of the most terrifying psychic experiences I have had. I could describe it, but I suspect that doing so would invite her attention. She is a thing of nightmares. She is the mother of all sorrows and agony. Even as I type this, I have made the sign of the Silver Star and give thanks for Sai Vikhë's protection. (Where Sai Vikhë appears for many to look like Athena or Kali, to me she looks alternately as a shield-maiden or a modern female infantryman. It is interesting to watch her interact with the gods. She and Freyja get on like a house afire. And they look almost to be sisters in apperance. It is fascinating.)

But this female figure, I am most certain it is not Hel. I have seen Hel. I have been in her hall and in her presence. This figure is not the Queen of the Dead. And this place is not Helheim. Helheim is not all darkness. It is not all austerity. It is a peaceful place where tired souls find their rest and comfort after the journey of life. This dark place that I have gone to in my dreams is a cold place and silent. Helheim is not silent. It may be still and quiet, but it is not utter silence like this place. It makes me question if this veiled woman is an aspect of my psyche and what she has to teach me.

8/6/15

Defensive confusion counter spell No. 1

Last Quarter Blue Moon (Age: 22 days)
Sign: Taurus
Weather: Cool, partly cloudy,
light breeze out of the west
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This is a spell to use as a counter spell to someone ill wishing you or actually attempting to curse you. I have had fairly regular success with this one. It is an adapted version of a spell that I found in a D.J. Conway book. I have long forgotten what the book was and her title for the spell. I know that my version can be used with more or less candles, compared to the fixed number that she had.

Items needed:
  • mirrored candle plate
  • 6+ identical candles (Ideally enough to fit on the plate and fill it, I usually use tea lights.)
  • Source of open flame (a lighter is a fine option for this)
  • blessing oil or a bit of your personal scent (ie perfume or cologne)
Ritual:
  1.  Create ritual space in the typical fashion for your practice. Invoke any spiritual allies that you require and make proper greetings and request for aid.
  2. Pick one candle to represent you. Anoint it with the oil (also known as 'dressing' the candle) and attune it with yourself via projecting your personal spiritual energy into the candle.
  3. Place your candle in the center of the candle plate. Arrange others around it.
  4. Light central candle first.
  5. Light other candles randomly.
  6. Rearrange all the candles randomly whilst stating incantation.
  7. Allow candles to burn completely.
  8. Close ritual space and conclude your business with spiritual allies in manner that is customary.
  9. Dispose of the candles remains in a manner that is ecologically sound.
Incantation:

6 (or however many candles in total) fires burn, one is me. Flames dance and flicker. Mirror reflects all you see but you can not tell which is me.

Notes:
The objective of this spell is to confuse the person targeting you for a spell. The candles act as illusions of yourself, which is represented by the dressed candle. Lighting them randomly and rearranging them randomly compounds the confusion in the caster because they can not tell which one is the source and which is the illusion. The mirror doubles this effect, adding an equal number of illusions plus one to the set.

8/5/15

Letters to Loki No. 31 (untitled)

Dear Loki,

I have been running in circles since my last letter trying to get everything done with getting The Dragon Child of Evandar to press. I'm at the point where the hard cover copies are out and available for purchase via Lulu.com and the paperback should be ready about the same time as the e-book. If everything works out right with that, it should be next week. I'm honestly nervous about all of this.

I know that you, Odin, and Freyr all want me to aggressively pursue making this happen. Looking at what all these 'sell your book' blogs have, I get the unpleasant butterflies in my stomach. It is a lot of meet the public kind of stuff and I get seized with this fear that I am going to make an idiot out of myself. I am going to make the effort, but I am scared. Like Freyr has said, courage is doing something despite the fear. As much as I am uncomfortable with this, I want to make it happen even more.

I am at something of a loss for how to proceed forward. These blogs have a laundry list of ideas where one can start. It is rather overwhelming. I feel like I should print the list off and throw a dart to pick where to begin. If you have any suggestions, that would be awesome. It isn't as bad as trying to make sense of the alphabet soup that is the information I've been reading about autism, but it is confusing. I know that I need to get more work out on the world building blog. These book blogs have been talking about posting daily and making regular posts via Twitter and Facebook focused on the work you're producing.

I have two entirely separate things going on and I don't know if just the one Twitter account is going to work well for it. I have my heart behind the fantasy novels but I have the witchery books that I am working on. You and Odin are right, by the way, there appears to be a really good market for 'em. The trick is making my 'brand' known and I'm a bit unsure what my 'brand' is. I'm sort of all over the place right now. How do I focus it all into one thing? I know I'll figure it out eventually. Right now, I am just trying to formulate my plan of attack with all of this.

I'm glad you enjoyed the pickled banana pepper. I still don't get how you insist it goes well with my super sugary coffee. The combination of vinegar with coffee is pretty bad to me but if it works for you, go for it. I made that set of prayer/worry beads like you suggested. They're sitting on the altar right now. I have no idea what to do with them. I have multiple sets and the ones that I made previously for my attempted Etsy shop. If you have someone you want me to send them to, let me know. Oh, one last note, picking the heroic kung fu music to accompany my post is pretty funny. You managed to make me grin with that one. Shufflemancy FTW!