8/23/15

On godspousery

Waxing Corn Moon (Age: 8 days)
Sign: Sagittarius
Weather: Seasonable, fair skies
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I'm pushed by them to write this but it terrifies me. Signs have popped up like mushrooms after a night of rainstorms just further pushing that point. I feel a little sick with anxiety but the urge to write won't leave me. My courage falters at posting this on Veiled Witch. I can only hope that this post satisfies them at least long enough for me to catch my breath and find words for it all.

I bicker with Freyr as to if I am yet a spouse. I insist that there has been no formal wedding or rite between us. He usually laughs it off and says that I am welcome to my opinion. But over the last few days, his response is more firm. A laundry list of deities have declared me as his spouse, including his mother and sister. I stammer protestations that I can't possibly be so but Ingvi brooks no argument now. He demands that I put aside my 'childish, stubborn arguments' and step up. He has made very plain his position on the matter and apparently has hit the end of his rope with my reluctance to go along with it. He says "You can not argue the day into night. You can not argue a stone into sand. Stop and accept what is. Your argument won't change what is."

And then there is Loki. Ah gods, what manner of mess have I landed myself into here? Worldbreaker has gone from decades of 'yer cute but I'm not into you like that' to very suddenly the monster of all my dreams and fantasies that I never have breathed a word of with more than affection there. I would say love but it scares me to call it that. He knows where all the proverbial bodies are buried and helped me bury a few of 'em. Each secret I have, each little psychological button, and all the things I don't express; Loki knows all of them. And he intends to show them to Freyr. While Loki has not claimed me as bride in his words towards me, his demeanor very much says this.

I am very afraid right now. I fear I am in such deep water that I have no hope of surviving it. The thing I fear the most, however, is what they intend to give me. Freedom from the mental bondage I have been in for so long, it spurs this almost agoraphobic need for me to hide. But they're stripping away my walls and masks. They're placing me squarely where my needs can not be avoided, only met. And this terrifies me.

I silently scream that I don't deserve it. But the reply is that my opinions on what I deserve are irrelevant next to my needs. My terror is over being raised up from where I have fallen. I fear that I must not lift my head too high or reach too far. I fear something beyond the frustration of gods if I stand at my full stature, and I don't know what it is.

And so many gods right now in my life, they tell me it is time to walk forward or be dragged. And Loki promises that if I am dragged, I will enjoy every inch along the way, which only scares me even more. I can not flee. There is no where I can run because I am surrounded and all my cleverness fails to turn this aside.

My courage is faltering but I have given my word. What have I done?

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