9/15/15

Letters to Loki No. 34 - Screaming mad?

Hail Chaos Bringer,

I've been really struggling with my bipolar. I have been feeling like my body has betrayed me and that all of this is a result of my not being strong enough to resist it. I grieve and then I am numb. Then shaking fury rolls over me and I have to work very carefully not to let it loose on undeserving victims. I feel like I'm tumbling into screaming madness.

It is very, very hard to resist the urge to fight this descent. I hate the sensation of falling now. When I was small, I loved it because it felt like flying. Somewhere over the years, the feeling of falling became connected with pain and powerlessness. Thus, as I fall deeper into depression, I grow more panicked. From the panic come anger. And the anger terrifies me, which makes me even more fearful. Which depresses me further even as I get angrier. I am struggling not to turn this anger on myself but it is very, very difficult.

I know the plane is crashing. I know I need to jump and parachute to safety. I also know that if I don't jump, you'll kick me out of the plane. I don't know, have I just jumped, am I jumping, or did I get kicked out of the plane? I can't tell anymore. All I know is that I feel horrible and I'm rapidly feeling worse with each passing day.

I'm terrified of hearing the voices again. I have been having headaches, like I do when the voices try to breakthrough the medication. I am so afraid that I am literally shaking as I type this. What if I'm not strong enough to resist them? What do I do? You're smart. You can talk your way out of anything, just about. Perhaps you can help me figure out some sort of clever words to calm my mind or at least outfox this fear.

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