10/21/15

Letters to Loki #27 - WTF am I doing here?

Dear Sky-Treader,

I am looking at my present situation and wondering what I am supposed to be doing, how I got here, and what exactly is the plan moving forward. It now makes a little over two weeks that writing has been a struggle. I have been trying to work through waves of depression and its related physical issues (because having exhaustion on top of insomnia is absolutely fantastic, ya know.) but with limited success. I've hit a point that I just am spinning my wheels despite how much I want to do something more.

Beloved says the problem is my Bipolar acting up and the fact that this has always been a bad time of year for me. I feel like there's something more in the mix, because I don't think I was this off my feed until later in the season last year. It has me worried that I'm going to get a lot worse as time goes on. I'm quickly getting overwhelmed by the stuff I just need to do for the kids with school stuff. And that is making it harder for me to help them with school stuff.

I'll be perfectly honest, it is somewhat scary for me right now in dealing with all this. I know that these are very important years for their development and I want them to have all the opportunities to succeed that they can. I know they have difficulties of their own with the autism. I'm trying so hard to work with this thing and find how it could be an advantage, somehow. But I am having a lot of difficulty because it is so hard to communicate with them.

I feel like I'm failing them. I feel like my disability is getting in the way of being a good mother. And I am struggling with all of that past trauma that comes up this time of year. It is still pretty hard to get my head around the deaths of my paternal grandparents. I alternate between being angry and wanting to do everything to prove that i can. And being crushed, anxious, and just wanting to curl up in a ball somewhere and hide from the whole universe. It is exhausting to swing between those two states.

Please, help me figure out what I'm supposed to be doing with myself right now. It is pretty clear that my plans are not working. Help me figure out what I'm supposed to be doing to help my children. I know that there is something. I just can't figure it out. You're smarter than me. I know you'd have a perspective that I am missing on this puzzle. As I reach a point where things settle down, I will start writing those adult pieces you were talking about. I just can't manage to get myself organized enough to do it. But if you help me get this stuff sorted out, I can get back to doing that for you.

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