1/21/16

A conversation.

Waxing Ice Moon (Age: 8 days)
Sign: Cancer
Weather: Partly cloudy, seasonable temps
Snow pack: 1 in. approx.
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Ingvi: You are refusing to do what relaxes you. This is part of what is wrong right now. Why do you insist on doing everything the hard way? What are you trying to prove?

Me: It's a habit. And I guess I'm trying to prove that I'm good enough.

Ingvi: Who are you trying to prove that to? How on Earth do you think you are going to accomplish this? What point is it good enough? Because from where I stand, there isn't an end point. It just keeps getting worse and more demanding with each hurdle you jump and river your cross.

Me: I don't know who I'm trying to prove it to. I don't know when it will be enough. It never is enough.

Ingvi: I can tell you who you're trying to prove your worth to. Someone who isn't here. Someone you have removed from the picture and doesn't see the torture you're putting yourself through. She can't see it. She never did see your worth. She saw a puppet. She saw someone to manipulate, to make jump through hoops for her amusement. You'd accomplish something and she'd set the bar higher. It wasn't to motivate you to do better. It was to try and make you fail. The fact that you rose to the challenge says more about you than it ever will about her.

Me: I don't know.

Ingvi: Trust me. You're far more competent, successful, and skilled than you realize. You need to stop punishing yourself when there is literally no reason for it. Your existence is not a curse or a blight on the world. It is a blessing. And you have never had anything to apologize for when it came to that. You never NEVER need to apologize for drawing breath.

Me: I know.

Ingvi: Do you? Do you really know? Do you understand that you are not a burden, something to be tolerated, or a mistake? Do you understand that you are a blessing in this world, someone to be embraced, and a glorious being who is needed in this world? Because I don't think you do. There's humility and then there is self rejection. What you do is not humility. And it needs to stop.

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