3/21/16

Letters to Loki no. 33

Dear Loki,

My head feels like it is thick with mud, but I know that is just because I'm so congested from Cuddle Bear's cold, which he so generously shared with me. I don't know what to write at the moment. My physical symptoms aside, I still don't feel well. I have more energy and stuff, but I still feel depressed. I still find myself having self destructive thoughts. 

I talked to my therapist about things. She got stuck on the concept of telling me that I have to ground myself in the present and 'tell all the cells in your body that it is in the past.' (I mentioned that I've been having problems with my c-PTSD and I guess she latched on to that.) I was... frustrated. The antipsychotic medication I'm on, apparently, is used as a mood stabilizer for people with bipolar. If that is the case, it really isn't working out that well. I'm trying to give the new medication time to work. I'm trying to give everything the chance to work out on its own. But, honestly, I'm worried that it won't.

A part of me wants to just run up the proverbial white flag and say 'fuck it, I'm just going to be like this for the rest of my life. might as well deal.' And then there is the rest of me that is soul deep angry. I can't fully put into words what I'm angry with. I'm angry that my care isn't what I think it should be. I'm angry with the fact that I have to go do this stupid shit to begin with. I'm angry with how I wound up in this position. And I am so utterly angry with the fact that my anxiety has gotten in the way of resolving much of the problem.

Most of all, I'm tired. I'm tired of the emotional roller coaster. I'm tired of the memory problems. I am struggling between the feeling that I want my life back and the resignation that this is the new normal. I hate feeling like this.

~ me

3/16/16

Conversation

Waxing Gibbous Worm Moon (Age: 9 days)
Sign: Cancer
Weather: Seasonable, cloudy skies
Snow pack: 0 in
~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Lopt: You're exhausted but you're still trying to force yourself to do more. You shouldn't do that. You know that, right?

me: I'm sick of not having the energy to do stuff. I'm a writer. I should be writing. Not staring at a wall trying to think up a simple sentence for hours on end.

Lopt: Patience never really has been your strong suit, has it?

me: Not really.

Lopt: Pushing yourself past your limitations is a good thing, except for when it's not. You can't keep doing this to yourself. Burning the candle at both ends does no one any favors and hurts you in the end.

me: But I have to do it or stuff doesn't get done. 

Lopt: Then things will not get done as quickly as you'd like. Patience is necessary. Especially when you're healing.

me: I'm not going to be fully healthy ever again. It's just not going to happen. I might as well accept it and press forward.

Lopt: Now you're not telling the truth.

me: What other way is there to look at it? I'm disabled. My brain is broken, chemically speaking. Drugs will only last so long before they fail and I have to start something new.

Lopt: What would you prefer?

me: To have my life back. To be able to keep my composure when I'm stressed out or anxious rather than shaking like a leaf and bursting into tears. To be able to function rather than freak out over mundane shit like paying bills or get so anxious that I am nearly sick over stupid shit like weather or not my friends truly like me.

Lopt: Those problems were always there under the surface. Stuffing them down and shoving them aside lent you the appearance of composure but underneath, it was chaos. It always has been chaos. Now, at least, you can get the pain treated. You can learn to cope with the chaos rather than cutting your heart out to spite your past. Divorcing yourself from your emotions is not a solution. Forcing yourself to move on a broken limb breaks it even more and exacerbates the problem, leading to things such as blood poisoning. Think, what would you be doing to yourself with this? You're slowly killing yourself with this. With each time you push away your heart and try to quiet your mind by stuffing memories into a 'box'.

I will not stand idly by and watch it. There is no need for you to live as though under siege anymore. Now stop. Rest and recover.