A question and an answer?

Waxing Strawberry Moon (Age 9 days)
Sign: Libra
Weather: Seasonable, fair skies
I was numbly wandering around my apartment between folding piles of laundry. Ingvi watched me for a little bit and then told me to go sit down. I thought about arguing with him and decided I didn't have the energy. As I sat on the couch looking around the cheerfully messy living room (I'm learning to identify the joyful chaos that comes from my children just have a lot of fun versus the untidy madness that comes from my children randomly throwing things around because they're bored. There apparently IS a difference.) I asked him why human beings are so fucking atrocious. 

Freyr looked very ... tired at my question. I think it is because a LOT of people have been asking over the last few days. Which isn't a big surprise, considering what happened over the weekend. He sat down beside me and just wrapped an arm around me. We sat like that for a little bit. He said to me, "I like that your home is joyful. Even when you're depressed, there is still joy here. There is love too, so much potent love. It bleeds from the walls. It is very beautiful." He sounded so.. so tired when he said that.

He then said, "Not everyone is blessed like this. Not everyone knows how to create such joy and love. Not everyone has a home. They just have a place where they throw their things, eat, and sleep. You have made a home here. It insulates you. It protects you as much as you protect it." He closed his eyes with a pained expression and looked like he was on the verge of tears before he kissed me on the right temple. He then said, "Don't lose it. Keep this safe and sacred inside. Inside your heart, where it is secret. No one can take that away from you then."

I desperately wanted to do something to help him. I could see that his heart was breaking. He offered a tumble in bed. It was a pleasant tryst, but he still had that haunted, heart broken look in his eyes. I wish there was some way that I could ease his pain.


Because Love.

Because Someone nudged me and pointed this out.

Letters to Loki No. 38

Dear Loki,

I am tired. Physically, I suppose I am ok. But mentally, I am exhausted. It has been a very long couple of days. Looking around at Facebook and pretty much every other social platform, I am constantly finding things about tragedies. It doesn't do me much good when I'm not at a very healthy mental state to see that kind of stuff. I spent most of my day off of the computer. I wandered around the neighborhood and things felt oppressive.

The weather wasn't bad. It was kinda cloudy and cool, but that is welcome change from the high heat and humidity from last week. No, I don't know why I felt like the deck was stacked against me all day. I suppose it could be my having a bit of a mood hangover, for lack of a better expression, after yesterday's busyness and activity. I really didn't accomplish much today and I am disappointed with myself over that, which probably also contributes to this general sense of depression.

It is the last full week of school for the kids. I've been doing my best to not think about the stress that may come of it. It isn't working out that well for me. I don't know what I'm going to do about all this. I'm sure that something will be figured out.


A matter of Wine.

Waxing Strawberry Moon (Age: 6 Days)
Sign: Virgo
Weather: Sultry, possible rain in late night

I was getting ready to pour out an offering of wine to the gods. As I got the bottle out of where it had been chilling, Ingvi and Loki say (almost in unison) "You should drink that." I wanted to ask why they didn't want it and they just ... smiled at me. I have a feeling that something is up. So, I am sitting here, waiting for my sons to fall asleep, drinking some red wine and trying to figure out what on Earth I am going to type. It has been such a long day. Tomorrow looks like it will prove longer. Maybe I will be lucky and it will not be to terribly humid.


A poem for Freyr

Waxing Strawberry Moon (Age: 3 days)
Sign: Leo
Weather: Cool, partly cloudy skies
Your love is like tender violence
Strip away my armor
Rip apart my walls
Brush away my defenses
Take me in your arms
Keep me as your own
I have been blind
Remove the gauze
Blind me with your light
My hands are bound
I can not fight this
Just as the tide rises
So too does this madness
Drown me in your love
And let me be reborn


Letters to Loki No. 37

Dear Loki,

I am pretty tired after the day I had today. I got a bunch of stuff done. I'm pleased with that and I'm glad that I made some serious headway on resolving some of my creative blocks. All that said, I am not entirely sure what to do about tomorrow. It is going to be another day of running errands around town. I want to try to get some time in for writing but I'm not sure how. I have a pile of housework that needs resolved so that I can get cracking on the few household projects I need done before the kids finish up with school for the year.

I'm a little nervous about how that is going to go. It didn't help matters much when the psych nurse who oversees my meds was voicing her 'concern' about if I am going to be overwhelmed with the kids when they're on break. She is decidedly of the opinion that my problems with depression are all sparked by my response to the stress of the kids being on break. I keep trying to show her that it isn't the case. She, however, has made up her mind as to how things are and pretty much ignores when I say something otherwise. It is very frustrating.

I have finally started work on my sister-in-law's bridal shower gift. It is somewhat funny how I kept finding things that were almost right. I have pretty much given up the idea of using an edging that someone else has designed. I am now in the beginning stages of crocheting an edging that is inspired by the Victorian pattern book I won at the spinning guild's silent auction last year. I started work on it a few hours ago. I have the first row of foundational crochet done along one side and a few inches on a second. I was suspicious that doing five stitches into the corner was going to weaken the fabric. I have discovered, however, it has quite the opposite effect. Cue a significant sense of relief.

I am a bit overwhelmed on how to proceed forward on the project that you've given me. I see a plethora of options before me. It makes things somewhat confusing and hard for me to pick one. A little direction would be greatly appreciated. This way I can figure out at least how to start on it all.

Bushels of Love,