9/28/16

Anxiety + Worship = Inactivity.

Waning Harvest Moon (Age: 27 days)
Sign: Virgo
Weather: Fair skies, dry, seasonable temp.
Drought Status: Extreme
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Damn my anxiety. I have been so afraid of doing something that will upset or offend any/everyone that I have been inactive on all fronts, even worship. My proverbial curling up in the fetal position, however, has not been ignored. I suppose this leads to a whole pile of uncomfortable feelings as a result. At night, Ingvi and Loki are with me. Sometimes both of them. sometimes one of them. But there is always someone with me, usually talking me out of laying there and panicking over the thought of falling asleep and having nightmares of the past.

I feel horribly guilty about the fact that I have lapsed in my devotional activities. I get so far as lighting a candle. Then I find myself quietly terrified that I'm not good enough, that I will somehow offend the gods, or that the things I was told when I was younger about the emptiness of prayer are all correct. At which point, I back away from the altar and try to occupy myself with something else that will chase those thoughts away. Usually, it's been looking at cat videos on the internet or knitting.

Loki is beginning to get exasperated with it all. When the fear hits the point where I simply can not bear it, he starts telling me things like the fact that I am even trying is a good sign. His response to my anxiety in the face of those things ranges from frustration to something akin to feeling as though he has been personally insulted. But, he hasn't said anything to indicate that I have insulted him. His anger is directed at the people who hurt me in the past. And it is disturbing to view, to be honest.

Ingvi has been quiet about it all. I am not sure how to handle that silence. Well, it is not complete silence. He's been doing things like reminding me to take my medications and eat when I am hungry. Basically helping me take care of myself. Because I haven't been sleeping well, he's been pointedly noting when I have the opportunity to rest during the day and firmly instructing me to do so.

9/21/16

He sings to me.

Waning Gibbous Harvest Moon (Age: 20 Days)
Sign: Gemini
Weather: Unseasonably warm, partly cloudy skies
Drought status extreme.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

I was having a hard time sleeping again. Ingvi was with me. As I tried to sleep (with the assistance of bendaryl), I heard him singing quietly. He has done this other nights where I have a hard time sleeping. He just holds me and sings. I could remember the music of it, but never the words. Then I stumbled on to Storm Weather Shanty Choir via Spotify. Cue my amazement and surprise when I recognized this. 


For the curious, when he sings, his vocal range is exceptional. He can sing baritone easily as well as tenor. His falsetto is easily in soprano range. It really is amazing. I honestly don't think he has a vocal break.

9/17/16

Stumbling with Apples.

Waning Harvest Moon (Age: 15 days)
Sign: Aires
Weather: Overcast, stormy
Drought status: extreme
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
I have been unwell. I am taking measures to resolve this. My illness has cut into pretty much everything, which has me feeling frustrated and helpless. I was struggling with this when Ingvi came to me earlier today. At one point, I was literally stumbling over things and getting very angry with it all.  As I caught myself in an effort not to fall over my feet at the grocery store, Ingvi made a point of catching my eye. I looked over and he was standing beside a display of locally grown apples.

He set a hand upon some of them. The pile shifted a little bit. A woman who was in the process of picking some fruit out of a near by bin (that was not attached to the apple display) commented something tart about how the store did a bad job of rearranging everything and that she was pretty sure the apples were just going to fall everywhere. (She was in a sour mood over the fact that my local Walmart turned the fruit and vegetable display about 90 degrees and moved the bananas another 5 feet towards the bread. I don't know why she was so upset over this, because the arrangement made it easier to move the carts through it all but who knows. Sometimes people hate change.) This woman's muttered comment assured me that I was not seeing things, which made me feel a bit better about everything to be honest.

I casually walked over to the apples. Ingvi gave me a smile and said to me, "What do you and the apple trees have in common?" Then he vanished. I wandered around the store, forgetting his question not long after he posed it. This evening, it struck me what I had in common with the apple trees. Despite the adversity that has come up and made life difficult, I continue to grow and do what must be done. I continue to act in accordance with my nature, even though conditions have arisen that makes this difficult to do.

I may be stumbling, but I am still walking. The trees may be struggling, but there are still apples.

There is hope yet, so long as I do not give up.