1/4/17

Struggling.

Everything weather wise is in flux right now. A new comet has been discovered. A new thing that is on a near-Earth approach has been discovered and they're not sure what it is. The political climate is marching steadily towards tumult of the most unpleasant sort. And my head is not ... happy.

I was having a grumpy, fairly miserable day. Then Loki pretty much ordered me to get out of the house. He met my crankiness with pure surly and over bid, I rolled a one whereas he got a natural 20. I don't know if the dice were loaded or not. I'm not sure how easy it is to load a 20 sided die. Then again, he may have been using Cthluhlu's dice and who knows what that number actually was.

So, I went out and got lunch quick at the pizza place around the corner. As I sat there eating, watching Deliverance on the tv (remember what an awful movie it was) I tried to figure out if my problem was due to something physical or phyisiological. I mean, my cold is going away. I was eating so my blood sugar wasn't a problem. I had taken all of my medications in the morning. Hormones were off because of my being on my menses, but that didn't seem especially bad.

After I finished my food, I came back home. I was starting to get sucked back into that grumpy headspace when Ingvi told me to go outside, that there was a surprise waiting for me. I wandered to the back deck. I discovered much to my delight that my miniature rosebushes have survived the weather we had recently. Upon Freyr's suggestion, I moved them to the most sheltered spot I have outside. Then, I came around the plants out front. That was when I discovered that I had live mint plants still growing in a pot that was forgotten and essentially dried out until the snow hit (at which point it was frozen).

So, I came inside, puttered around with my houseplants and potted up the mint sprigs. I still don't feel that great. I don't know if it is hormones, still lingering stress from the holidays, or if it is my mood cycling. As I wandered around here this afternoon, I could feel them present. When my thinking started to get excessively self critical, Loki was throwing out sarcastic commentary about how 'accurate' it was. When I caught myself ready to just give up on doing stuff that was good for me, Freyr was there just quietly, but sternly reminding me that I had made a decision and I was going to stick to it.

I don't know, is this how godspousery works for other people? Am I going crazy? I don't know. And, to top it all off, they're both telling me how I *really* need to talk to Beloved about my anxiety about everything. I feel like I've just been dumping alot of anxious blabber into his lap. But I've got Loki and Ingvi both getting progressively... displeased with my attempt to just suck it up and deal. (And Loki says dryly 'yes, because you can just 'suck up and deal' with a sucking chest wound, shall I hold your hair for you while you bleed out so it doesn't get matted?')

No comments: