5/27/17

Crumbling things?

Waxing Rose Moon (2 days old)
Sign: Cancer
Weather: Partly cloudy, a touch cool
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A theme has appeared over the last few days. It started making itself apparent around the new moon. There keeps being signs, reminders of things like the Tower and the Devil showing up in many places. Some of these signs being as big as the image of a man falling from the World Trade Center buildings as the towers were falling to the ground (which just randomly showed up in my feed once and then not again after that) and as small as a sudden, sharp increase in the amount of scavenger insects showing up in my yard when I was gardening on a clear day. (I carefully moved them to where they would not disturb my plants and did my best not to be squicked by it. Because bugs make my skin crawl. Not phobic, per se, but they kinda repulse me. Not entirely sure why.)

I have been struggling to write. I have been struggling to keep up with my responsibilities as a housewife and stay at home mom. In the midst of all of this, devotional activities have become less active. It is just exhausting to keep up with the 'mundane' side of things. I get to the end of the day and I am upset because I haven't done my daily prayer routine. I get upset by the fact that I haven't gotten my devotional writing in. (I barely get my daily writing for my mental health done.)

To say the least, I am very disappointed with myself. I am not sure how to fix the situation. I'm not sure how to set myself up for success over the summer, because things are going to be even more busy with the kids on break from school. I am filled with dread. A part of me says I should just give up because I am doomed to failure. I recognize that as my mental illness speaking. But it is really hard to shake that feeling when I look at all the ways I have been slipping in other areas right now.

Loki said last night that I keep looking for excellence in the wrong places and in the wrong ways. He said that I am worrying too much about past patterns happening in the present when they are completely behind me. I was somewhere between ready to cry in relief that he wasn't upset with me and in pain because my whole body has been just in pain for a few days now due to what I presume is my arthritis but it could be side effects of medication changes.

Ingvi has been ... quiet of late. Which doesn't surprise me, it seems that this season is when things are more active between Loki and I. In the autumn and winter, Ingvi is more active. (Though Loki has no qualms about stopping by to offer sass and bad jokes when he feels the timing is best. And some of those jokes make 'dad' jokes look good.) Freyr surprised me last night when he said, "You are doing the best you could with what you have been burdened with. You can't run with a broken leg that never healed right. Stop being so hard on yourself. It's not your fault."

I, again, found myself just about ready to cry. The two of them have been making a point of telling me when I get caught in that mental loop of self-criticism that echoes what I grew up with. And they make a point of reminding me that I am in the present and that it wasn't my fault. I feel like my life is slowly crumbling to pieces around me, which is perversely ironic. Because I have been more effective and active in maintaining my household over the last few months. On the surface, it looks like things are getting into order. But I feel like I am on the verge of falling apart.

It makes all of the other signs that I have been seeing a bit more disturbing. I ask myself if I am seeing them because something is coming or because I am looking for something to confirm this awful feeling of despair and futility. The whole thing gives me a headache to think about. I wish there was someway to just ... I don't know, feel better. Medication helps some. I've got a new therapist lined up that I will be seeing in two weeks. Why do I feel like I'm on the edge of the abyss and about to fall in? Is it because I'm on the verge of a breakthrough or because I'm on the verge of a breakdown? I can't tell. And that scares me.

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