One Witch's Theological Musings

Progressing forward on my path.

2012-02-13T20:35:00.002-05:00

Waning Hunger Moon (Age: 20 days)
Sign: Scorpio
Weather: Fair, light breeze, seasonably cold
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
I had a conversation with my Aunt, Rev. Wolf this evening. She's a very wise woman and I respect her highly. Like most of our conversations, I came away having learned something new. I also, in the midst of the conversation, had more of the things that I am being called to do clarified.

I am not sure if I am technically a member of the Church of the Ancient Paths. I believe I am, but it is something that will be clarified in the near future over the course of conversations with my Aunt, who is clergy. She's fairly certain that I am considered a member. This is actually an important thing because I have felt called to minister to the needs of the community, thereby serving the Goddess.

It is much easier to do so with the backing of a church. This can be accomplished either as part of an outreach program done by the church or in seeking ordination. It is the latter that I have felt called to for many years. Like in the case of my wearing a veil, I was fearful of doing so because I feared recriminations from my extended family. This, however, is a child's fear and I have put it aside.

In wearing the veil and making the changes to my dress that are in accordance with my genuine nature, I have continued the commitment I made about a month ago. That commitment was to be fully myself. This means not only expressing my personal sense of style and tastes in everything from music to the accessories I wear, but heeding the nature of my spirit and the direction that the Goddess propels me in.

It has been a big step internally. Externally, it has only a small number of changes that can be observed right now. As time passes, I know that more details will be revealed. I am in a state of transition. As I shed the outmoded forms of the past and reveal the brilliant light at the core, I expect some people will be delighted and others will be disturbed. This, however, is not why I am doing this. It is essential to the health of my psyche and spirit.

I'm tired of holding myself back because of what others might think or say. I'm tired of denying these parts of myself because it is not convenient for others. I'm tired of continually holding back my self expression because it is not 'normal' in the eyes of the family I grew up in. It is long past time for me to say "This is who I am. And I am wonderful because of it."

All I ask is that the Goddess grant me strength to continue forward and to break the barriers between myself and what is healthy for me. I've lived in fear for long enough. It is time for a new chapter in my life.

Fall & Redemption Theology: My Opinions

2012-02-06T20:46:00.002-05:00

Full Hunger Moon (Age: 13 days)
Sign: Leo
Weather: Unseasonably warm, clear
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
I've been reading about the modern Collriydian Filianic churches. I figured out what about their theology that doesn't sit right with me. It is their espousal of a fall & redemption theology. It is my understanding that humans are not born with a fatal flaw, which one would argue is the most accurate description of the infamous Original Sin doctrine. Original Sin holds absolutely no place in my understanding of humanity's relationship with the divine.

It is my understanding that we are all born innocent of any crime against nature or the gods. There is no criminality in drawing breath or being born of a given lineage. Arguments that we are all some how criminals (because sin is defined as crimes against god) by virtue of our birth are nonsense because it utterly fails the moral culpability test.

I prefer the idea that we are born in a state of innocence and as we grow, we become capable of establishing a relationship with the divine that is more complex . It is with this increased complexity that rules are laid out for the relationship and sin, the act of breaking said rules, becomes part of the picture.

It would as foolish as someone declaring that a newborn child is guilty of theft because they are breathing 'someone else's air'. No one can claim ownership of the air. It simply is there. It is our nature to breathe. It is a monstrous act of inhumanity to declare that the act of existing is criminal. And it is my understanding that the doctrine of original sin, where ever it is espoused, is criminalizing the act of being alive. I find this disgusting, demeaning, deceptive, and detrimental to establishing a genuine relationship with one's deity of choice.

Synchronicity or Sign?

2012-02-02T20:19:00.003-05:00

Waxing Gibbous Hunger Moon (Age: 9 days)
Sign: Gemini
Weather: cloudy, cool but still unseasonably warm
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

My depression is making a comeback. A part of me says I should just chalk this up as a bad day or possibly some sort of premenstrual hormonal fun. Looking at my mood for the last several days, however, I'm finding my temper is growing shorter and my outlook on life is progressively turning bleaker. It is something that bears watching, though I still can't shake the feeling of apprehension that something ... unpleasant is waiting me on the other side of my counseling session tomorrow.

Now, one may wonder why I'm rambling about my psychological health. Two reasons for that, actually, one is because it's part of the constellation of things on my mind right now. Secondly, I am firmly convinced that our psychological health can directly influence our spiritual health. As I was confronted multiple times today with a sense of despair, I found myself questioning the authenticity of my spiritual experiences. It... It is distressing have sudden bouts of despair just descend upon me with out any real warning. It colors my view of just about everything in my life.

Strive as I may to counteract this, it is at times a relatively futile thing to attempt to do. So, I was sitting in the car, waiting to pick up the food that I ordered for Beloved and I to have for dinner when a fortuitous thing happened. Recently, I've taken to listening to the born-again Christian radio station. It's not out of any passionate love for Christ as much as it is less static then other stations and occasionally entertaining. As it happened, this was the radio station that the car was tuned to. I wasn't paying it much mind when the pastor speaking began talking about discouragement.

It was surprising. His teaching on discouragement was quite coincidental and focused upon an entirely different audience. At the same time, I found it to be helpful. I realized that in the midst of my efforts over the last several weeks, I had been becoming discouraged in several areas. Partly due to a measure of psychological/emotional exhaustion and partly due to my difficulty seeing where I was making progress in much of anything in my life.

The admonishment to pray when confronted with these feelings was like a light bulb turning on in a darkened room. Such a simple thing to do and yet... I hadn't even considered it an option.

Now, I know there are some who would argue this is merely synchronicity. Others would state that it was a sign that I should consider conversion to some flavor of Christianity. I contend that just as the Christian god is likely to use events with non-Christians to get a message across to Christians, so too is it likely that the goddess will send a message via unexpected sources to her people.

Is it a sign? Yes, I think so, but not that I should cast aside my religion. But rather, a sign that my goddess is keeping me in her thoughts and wants me to turn to her no matter how small and insignificant I feel that I am.

Kennings for Loki

2012-01-29T20:49:00.002-05:00

Waxing Hunger Moon (Age: 6 days)
Sign: Aries
Weather: cloudy, heavy snowfall
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As someone who has something of a relationship with this particular deity, I do what I can to find kennings referring to him. Someone else has compiled a good list. I am sure that we can easily add to it. I would humbly add the following to this list:

Our lord of weirdness
Quicksilver tongued one
Deceiver of Fools

Having experienced him acting in such a fashion, it is my opinion that these kennings are fairly accurate. I also think that as time passes, I am probably going to wind up adding to this list. Laufey's Son seems to like when I try to creatively avoid mention his name directly. My efforts tend to get a bit of laughter out of him.

I don't think that's an entirely bad thing. After all, if the GODS can't laugh at something, then you know you're fucked.

Mark of the Goddess?

2012-01-27T20:35:00.002-05:00

Waxing Hunger Moon (Age: 4 days)
Sign: Aries
Weather: Unseasonably warm, cloudy
with intermittent rain
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As I was driving home from dropping my children off with their aunt for the weekend, I had a vision of the Goddess. I also heard her say something very clearly to me. What she said to me was:

You veil and cover yourself to mark you as my daughter among the daughters of men.

My grace is upon my children, though man does not understand it. Some may say grace is upon you from their God. You know the source where it flows. What they say does not matter, only that you continue your work.

The vision, which was very brief, showed me the Mother. She wore a white gown, it looked to be made from linen. Over this, about her shoulders, she wore a mantle of blue. Her hair was hidden by a veil of pale blue, like the color of the sky at the horizon when the sun is at its zenith, shot through with silver. Over this there was another veil, this one white, that obscured her facial features, making them indistinct.

She held her hands out before her, as though she was pouring something from them. And from her hands poured light. It started out the color of honey and grew brighter as it came down. It fell upon the Moon and then upon the Earth. And as it poured over the Earth, it was white.

I was attempting to make sense of what this vision meant when she spoke to me again. (This being several hours after the vision and not too terribly long before I sat down here at the computer.) She said:

I pour out my blessings over the Earth for all children. I am a generous Mother and I give to any in need.

You are marked in your spirit as other are marked in flesh. Because your body can not take the needle and ink, your manner of dress conveys your status. Wear the veil to hide and protect yourself. Wear the bells to that the daughters of men may know you as you walk among them.

The timing of this is fortuitous and a wee bit unnerving. I had been lamenting (privately and inwardly) the lack of communication between the Mother and I. I had been flailing a bit and feeling unsure about myself as a priestess because I felt the absence of the early ecstascy that I experienced when I was new to the Craft and more open to everything. It wasn't something that I brought up in my prayers because, honestly, I felt that it was an issue on my end that I had to resolve. If that makes any sense to anyone reading this.

So, when she decided that she was going to say hello and put some of my concerns at ease, it startled me. It was like having someone turn the light on unexpectedly in a dark room. And suddenly realizing that you weren't alone in the room like you had thought you were.

Veils, shrouds, & shawls

2012-01-27T13:21:00.002-05:00

Waxing Hunger Moon (Age: 4 days)
Sign: Void of Course
Weather: unseasonably warm & cloudy
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

For years now, I have felt drawn to veiling myself as part of my spiritual expression. Just last night, as I was idly searching techniques for tying a headscarf, I stumbled on to another pagan who has a similar inclination and her blog post regarding it. It was incredibly reassuring to see that I wasn't too far out into the fringes with this recurrent urge. It was also just the little nudge I needed to begin acting in accord with it.

My thought was "Hey, I'm not the only one to feel this way! Awesome!" It was as though a weight just lifted right off me as I gave myself permission to do this. Growing up in a household that was extremely focused on propriety and meeting social norms for appearances sake, I was strongly encouraged not to act upon urges that took me to places aside from what was the most mundane. Even now, I have times where I struggle with my genuine sense of style versus what was foisted upon me.

Now, one may wonder why I'm talking about the clash between personal tastes of clothing styles and what is socially accepted as 'normal'. This is something that comes up when one adapts their manner of dress to something that is not completely run of the mill. When people mark themselves as different from the others around them, there are a few different possible reactions. Confusion, discomfort, and outright scorn have met me when I have moved away from the norm in the past.

This becomes even more complicated of a matter when one begins to consider religious expression. When dealing with a religion as decentralized as Wicca, one finds that there is no 'norm' for how to do anything. As a result, we tend to 'default' to the predominant cultural norms for dress and social behavior that we engage in the secular environment. Special dress for religious purpose becomes cumbersome when one is torn between maintaining a 'normal' appearance to ease their interactions with society at large and the urgings of their spirit. This is especially the case when one's faith does not have an 'official' dress code like in Islam.

Now, that I've rambled on in that direction, let's get to where I wanted to go in the beginning. That is, in short, how the three items I listed in the title of this post are important. Veils have been used for countless millennia for, among other reasons, to protect the sacred and set it apart from the mundane. The shroud has been used as a similar covering (aside from being a garment for the dead).

Shawls can be used in the same fashion. I do that often. When I feel a pull to wrap myself in a shawl, there's a lot of different reasons. Most frequently, it's practicality. I get cold easily. But, there are times where it serves to 'contain' spiritual energy. Or it serves to protect (at times from a purely psychological point).

I had more I wanted to say but it's drifted off into the aether. Right now, my youngest child is terrorizing the house. So deep thoughts are going to have to wait for later.

Mother Goddess & Mary

2012-01-23T20:16:00.004-05:00

New Hunger Moon (Age: 0 days)
Sign: Aquarius
Weather: Partly cloudy, windy,
intermittent rain & unseasonably warm
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

So I have a few things to ramble on about tonight. First, to all who are celebrating, I wish you a blessed New Year (as this is the start of the Lunar year). There are many cultures that celebrate this as the start of the year, thus I am not going to focus on just one culture over the rest. If you're curious as to who is celebrating this as the beginning of the new year, check out the link.

Secondly, I have another blog that I will be updating at the new and full moon for each month. I am not going to be mirroring the material here but I will link to it when I do make posts. There may be material that is discussed in both blogs, but I don't plan on that being the rule. As the web community that I have joined has a large population of neophytes and seekers, I will be making an effort to post topics friendly to someone just starting out in Wicca or witchcraft.

Now, to get to the point of this blog entry (which I'm sure you were eagerly awaiting LOL), I have been considering my relationship with the Great Mother and how she has been guiding me over the last several months. I don't believe it is strictly a matter of coincidence that I have been feeling a strong prompt to view the Blessed Virgin Mary as an avatar of the Great Mother or to incorporate elements of the iconography surrounding her in my shrine(s) to the Mother.

Images such as the one above have been catching my eye for a while. When I was considering converting to Catholicism, I felt a strong pull to a Marian devotion. (Sadly, I do not know who the artist is that produced the lovely image. If it is YOUR work, please contact me.) Even now, I feel something of a tie to Mary. My history with the Blessed Virgin is ... odd.

My first experience channeling was to serve as her mouthpiece to convey a message to a Catholic friend of mine who was experiencing something of a spiritual crisis at the time. The Great Mother for a time placed me in the care of the Blessed Virgin. (It was a time of much confusion for me and I truly believe that Mary watched over me during the times of crisis that came to me during that period.) My middle name is Maria, which at one point my Mom said was because of a song and at another time it was supposed to be in honor of Mary. (I honestly don't know which statement, if either, is correct. My Mom regularly made confusing statements about things like that.)

Now that I have returned to Wicca (several years ago, to be honest), I still am drawn to the Marian iconography. The images of the Blessed Mother holding her babe strike me as incredibly powerful images of the Great Mother. The majority of these images that resonate the strongest with me have her holding a child of indeterminate gender. Oddly, I find it reassuring that the Deanists (also known as the Children of Dea) uphold the iconography of Mary as an orthodox presentation of the Great Mother.

To see that others also find the Great Mother in this guise puts some of my anxiety to rest. It helps to ease the fear that I am simply driving off into wilderness and have little to turn to in the way of fellow travelers. (I recognize that this fear is a manifestation of other issues that I have been struggling with. I also recognize that the Mother is pushing me past these issues. Thus I must choose if I go along or get dragged. Either way, I am still going.)

A lot of other people within the pagan community have written about how the Marian iconography can be used for fostering one's relationship with the Mother. I am not going to waste your time with a rambling commentary on this when there are so many commentaries on this topic (some of them quite well written and others less so). I am instead going to talk about how the Great Mother has been guiding me down this path.

It started out with simply a desire to build a relationship with her. Somewhere along the way, I transferred the issues I have with my mother to my relationship with the Great Mother. This was something that brought me a great deal of anxiety, sorrow, and frustration. Where I had previously enjoyed a feeling of closeness with the goddess, I suddenly felt as though there was a great gulf between her and I. I realized then what others meant when the spoke of a 'fall from Grace'.

In my case, however, it was not an intentional act. I did not intend at any point in time to reject the Great Mother or to distance myself from her. Instead, my psychological illness ran roughshod over me and pushed me apart from virtually all maternal figures in my life, including the Great Mother. It was the realization that my illness was creating the problem that had given me the key to resolving it. For as I confronted and healed my illness, I would find it easier to draw close to the maternal figures in my life, including the goddess.

As I began grasping at proverbial straws for how to reweave the Great Mother into my daily devotionals, little things began to catch my eye and imagination. I do not think it is mere whimsy that has pushed me into a year long study of the Rosary and encouraged me to find a way to incorporate it into my practices. I do not think it whimsy or some sort of hubris that I have been surrounding myself with Marian images.

For a long time, the Great Mother presented herself to me as the mother aspect of Morrigan. Morrigan is a harsh mother. She has no time or patience with foolishness. She is not for the faint of heart. As a goddess of war, childbirth, and sovereignty, she holds her children up to very high standards. She rewards honest effort and exacts a terrible toll for those who dare to cross her. I sincerely believe this is why one of the men that had sexually assaulted me has since had problems finding even a prostitute willing to lie with him and erectile dysfunction. (It was amusing when he accused me of cursing him. I have never cursed any being, no matter how wrathful I've been with them. In the case of this man, I simply asked that justice be done. Mother Morrigan attended to it.)

Somewhere in the last two years, the Great Mother presented herself to me in an appearance close to that of the traditional Marian iconography. Mother Morrigan has somehow stepped back to allow this much gentler guise to come forward. I don't think it is out of some implication of weakness on my part. I believe it is because I am unwell and have need of gentler handling. Can Morrigan be gentle? Yes, of course she can. I have experienced it.

The Great Mother, however, has deemed that I am to experience her this fashion. It has done considerable wonders for easing the anxiety that I feel towards her. Where I feared that even the slightest perceived misstep would disappoint or anger Morrigan, this face of the Great Mother doesn't hold that terror for me. There is a subtle pressure against my understanding of motherhood from my perspective as a child.

The Great Mother is penetrating the defenses that I established much like a flow of water eases through limestone. It is slow, consistent, and subtle. The changes that are being wrought are for my benefit, which a part of me is bewildered by. I ask why she would care about me. And then Loki laughs at me and tells me to open my eyes.

At times, I see flashes of Sigyn. Oddly enough, she looks much like the face that closely resembles Mary. The dress is different but so very much is alike that it confuses me. And in that confusion, the Great Mother reached out and touches me. I am learning that confusion is not prelude to terror. I am learning that having someone 'mother' me is not a painful experience.

It is something that I think is going to deepen and grow more profound as the year progresses. And I am quite thankful for that.

In the Mother's Arms

2012-01-20T12:00:00.003-05:00

Waning Wolf Moon (age: 26 days)
Sign: Sagittarius
Weather: partly cloudy, seasonably cold,
& occasional flurries
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

I was meditating this morning. I was prompted by the Lady to write. What is below is what I had written.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

She has taken me in her arms like a child. I struggle and refuse to be consoled, yet she remains steady and loving. I face great sorrow and am indignant towards the cruelty I have suffered. Yet she continues to hold me and keep me close in her care.

The Mother does not wish us to be alone in our miseries. She yearns to draw us close to her breast and comfort us. It is we who push away like a stubborn, petulant child, overwhelmed by our emotions and blinded to the comfort she gives. Some of us live in that state of angst driven struggle, refusing even rest when we are weary. This is not what she wants for us.

It is when we pause in our flailing that we find true rest and comfort in her arms, even if it is for only a few moments. It is the wise who simply put aside their stubborn insistence that they must engage their sorrows with out rest. A moment in the Mother's arms may be a brief few minutes or it can be much, much longer, for eternity is but the blink of her eye.

I yearn to be comforted and yet I am restless. I struggle with myself and the old habits of self persecution, self-denial, and emotional self-neglect. I am a poor spokeswoman for curing such habits by pure force of will.

What is required of us is the sacrifice of the unhealthy, and this is not a task we accomplish alone. Just as the Goddess gives us comfort when we are struggling with sorrow, she gives us aid when we need it. Those moments of blessed good fortune and synchronicity are the signs that her hand is extended to shelter and aid us.

Just as other gods would build great things with their children, so to is the Mother. It is not manifest as the works of man in great temples and buildings. It is manifest in the changing of the culture to ways of sincerity, acceptance, and universal compassion. We have a long way to go, but she will guide us, as she always has.

The question of evil

2012-01-14T12:44:00.002-05:00

Waning Wolf Moon (age: 20.1 days)
Sign: Libra
Weather: Bitterly cold, overcast with wind out of the west
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

I've been considering the question of evil for many, many years. I say question because in my faith, there is no deity or demigod of evil. There is no creed that affirms the traits of the gods to be as the Christian god, omnipotent, omniscient, and benevolent. Is there cruelty in my gods, yes. But it is not malicious. It is very much so like the fate of the person who loses their home to a tornado. It is a cruel thing to happen but there is no moral judgment behind it.

Herein lies the crux of the question of evil, defining it. Some people say that evil is all form of suffering. Others say that it is to inflict suffering upon another with malice. Still others state that evil is to inflict unnecessary suffering upon another. I contend that evil can be defined as maliciously and deliberately inflicted suffering upon another being. I would further argue that there are two different categories of evil.

The first category is the suffering inflicted for the sake of suffering. Now, some people would argue that this is pure sadism. I have seen the benevolent face of sadism. It does exist. To call this pure sadism fails to consider the other variants of sadism that exist. It is when the suffering inflicted is done with out the consent of the victim. For the person who endures suffering willingly is making themselves part of the CAUSE of their suffering and become an active participant.

The second category is the suffering inflicted intentionally as part of an effort to create some type of effect. Think of the concentration camps of the Nazis. (Yes, I went the cheap route and invoked Godwin's law. It's the most recognized form of organized mass torture and murder, hence my choice.) These camps were created not only to inflict suffering upon people with out their consent but to achieve a larger goal, thereby bringing some benefit to the ones who are inflicting the suffering beyond the persecution of their victims.

Is the difference between these two forms of evil indicative of greater and lesser evils? Not really, evil is evil. There is no such thing as a lesser evil. There are different forms of evil, but the wise will reject evil in it's every form. Humanity has a talent for devising new forms of evil on a regular basis. It is something that sorrows me to see.

Is defending oneself from harm evil? No, it is a natural right. It is no more evil then fleeing from harm. Engaging in an unprovoked attack, however, IS evil and should be shunned. Do the gods engage in acts of evil? It is a distinct possibility but it is equally possible that they do not and we are misunderstanding their chaotic actions as evil, as harboring malice where there is none. To the fly that we swat, we may appear to be malicious and cruel when in actuality is was simply an action to halt the fly's biting into our skin. The fly's bite is no more evil then our crushing it with our hand.

Harm that derives from natural sources is unfortunate but a part of the experience of being alive. Evil, however, is the purview of humanity and similarly inclined spirits that are capable of the abstract reasoning that is necessary to produce it.

All of this, however, is simply my opinion.

Conversations with the Goddess #1

2012-01-08T14:51:00.003-05:00

Full Wolf Moon (Age: 14 days)
Sign: Cancer
Weather: Seasonably cold, mostly sunny
& occasional flurries
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

I have been having apparently an on going conversation with the Goddess over the last several days. A part of me says I should just leave this in my journal while another part says it should be shared, in case some one else is going through the same kind of experience. The italicized text is myself and the regular text is the Lady. I hope that this provides some measure of comfort to anyone out there.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~
1/5/12

Holy Goddess, you call upon me to minister to the forgotten. You call me to develop prayers to open up the way of contemplation to the common man. You call on me to be a vehicle of your boundless love. I know I am blessed among your daughters. I remain constant in my faith in you despite the horrors and tragedies I have experienced in my life.

I am unsure where to begin in writing the prayers. You have shown me the tools you want people to use. You have left me unsure what name I should use to invoke you. You have given me great blessings and I feel self conscious asking for anything more.

Do you ever deny your child of the right to ask questions of you?

No.

Why, then, should I? Your mother was a poor mothr in many respects but never did she deny you your right to inquire.

By what name do I invoke you?

Mother or Great Mother is sufficient. Some see me as Mary or Isis. Some speak of me as Diana and others name me Dana. A thousand names may be given but they do not even begin to describe me. I am the Star Queen and the Death Hag. I am all these things and more. I am within you when you minister to the unfortunate and when you care for your children, for My children.

You are Mother even as you are priestess, seer, and mystic. You are my well beloved child in whom I am well pleased. I pour out my blessings like rain so that you may grow and thrive. So that you may share them with others. Ask simply when you are in need, with an open and honest heart, as a little child would ask. The Daughters of Dea know only me and reject my male half. This is not a flaw or error, but what they need. You see through to the truth. All things are of me and no man needs saving.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
1/8/12

[...] Is it hubris to keep back my pain in the hope to lessen the sorrows of the Mother?

What mother gives her child poison and claims it is good food and medicine. What mother does not weep at her daughter's sorrows and laugh with her joys. Ever have I celebrated you and praised you. And your kindness.

You fear me. I do not want this. I do not want your fear but rather your love. I want you to come unto me as a little child. You are a Queen in your own right, but ever on shall you be a little girl in the eyes of the Universe.

Invoke me always and keep my name on your lips. Celebrate your triumphs no matter how small. Show me your joys and treasures. Come to me for comfort in your sorrow and pain.

Do not feel shame for seeking comfort. I am your Mother and I love you. I could no more reject you then you could reject your own sons.

Lay down your burden. Do not fear. Simply be.

First post of the new Solar year.

2012-01-07T22:23:00.002-05:00

Waxing Wolf Moon (Age: 13 days)
Sign of Cancer
Weather: Unseasonably warm,
cloudy w/ intermittent rain showers
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Ave, Dea Madre! Gloria Plena!

It is the eve of the Full Moon. I have strung a fifteen decade Goddess rosary. As I strung the beads, I prayed. It sits upon my altar now, after I have taken it out into the night and shown it (and my other personal prayer beads) to the moon.

I meditated upon the Mother. I prayed to the Mother.

My heart breaks for the gulf of distance between my human Mother and I. It isn't that she lives on the other side of the country or that there is some great physical distance between her and I. It is an emotional distance. One that I suspect she is beginning to realize is the result of her mistreatment of me.

As I sat and I prayed to the Great Mother, I thought back to the first, secret pregnancy. Even as I was terrified that I'd be forced to marry the monster that had raped me, I was thrilled to carry within me a little Life. When I miscarried, I was heartbroken. I kept secret my mourning.

As I sat and I prayed to the Great Mother, I thought back to the birth of my eldest son. I thought of the joyful anticipation and excitement I felt. I felt that I was truly one of the most blessed women in all the world.

As I sat and I prayed to the Great Mother, I thought back to the birth of my youngest son. I thought of the times when I wasn't filled with confusion and terror. In its place, there was a blessed sense of peace, gratitude, joy, and anticipation.

As I sat and I prayed to the Great Mother, I thought back to the argument between my mother and I that set off the chain of events that brought me to the current state of affairs. I was torn between the desire to simply pass off her words as braggadocio and the horror I felt that she had gone so far as to threaten small, defenseless children in an effort to manipulate me. I was torn between my love for her and doing what was just.

I find myself seized with the strongest urge to pick up the phone and call my parents. To just tell them that I love them before I go to bed.

Goddess help me, I don't know what the right thing to do is. Is it to reconcile with them or to remain distant? I pray. I meditate. I cast cards and throw runes. All things leave only that question hanging in the air. There is no sign either way, so I remain where I am at.

I feel on the verge of weeping. Even the Wolf's Father's kindness isn't penetrating this overwhelming sense of sorrow. I am doing my best to leave this in the Mother's hands, but I feel like I have cut out my beating heart and laid it bleeding upon the altar. I don't know if it is the altar of my conscience, the altar of justice, or the altar of the Gods.

I only know that I hurt and that I miss my mother, as crazy and flawed that she is.

Goddess Rosary II

2012-01-06T13:45:00.002-05:00

On the terminal:

I believe in the Mother.

On the first bead:
Our Mother, the dust of whose feet is Heaven, holy is your name.
Your love come. Your will be done by Man as it is by Earth.
Give us this day our daily bread and teach us to forgive ourselves as we forgive others.
Lead us unto wisdom and deliver us from evil.

On the first three beads:
Hail Mother of All, giver of Grace!
Blessed are your Names, and blessed are we, your children.
Lead us now unto wisdom.
And comfort us at our hour of death.

On the fourth bead:
State first mystery (conception) and recite Our Mother (above)

Say 10 Hail Mothers while meditating upon the mystery.
Recite Our Mother

Repeat for remaining decades.

The Mysteries of the Mother
1. The Conception of Life
2. The Quickening of Life
3. The Transformation from Maiden to Mother (pregnancy)
4. The Suffering of Labor
5. The Triumph of Birth
6. The Suckling of the Child
7. The Growth of the Child
8. The Separation from the Child
9. The Transformation from Mother to Crone
10. The Mystery of the Great Mother (Goddess as death and bringer of rebirth)

A pagan rosary.

2012-01-02T20:55:00.002-05:00

For months now, I have been doing research and study upon the rosary. I have examined the structure of the Catholic rosary. I have looked at and carefully considered the various pagan rosaries that I have found. I have even given careful consideration and study to the Goddess Rosary of the Daughters of Dea. They all approach something akin to what I feel pulled towards and called to do, but do not meet it.

I feel unworthy of the task of setting prayers to a witches' rosary. Even so, I find myself pushed farther down that path. Loki has remained silent upon this matter, stating that this is between myself and the goddess. Not a specific goddess, just the goddess. So, I must get over myself and give my best effort to begin crafting this set of prayers.

I have a set of beads. I have mysteries I contemplate as I handle them. I simply lack the prayers to recite. Here is my attempt. I am drawing off of the structure of the Catholic rosary and the Deanist rosary. I ask that any who wish to use these prayers to kindly do so upon one they have fashioned. I find it potentially offensive to take one fashioned for a Christian to pray upon and use it in this fashion. Offending deities or people who happen to be about you simply is rude.

On the terminal (this would be the cross on a Christian rosary)
I believe in the Goddess, Mother of all Life
I believe in the God, Father of all
I believe in the Nameless One, the unity of all that is in eternity*
I believe in the gods of my ancestors
And in the gods of my children

On the first bead after the terminal
Glory to the Gods, I believe in You

On the second, third, and fourth beads after the terminal
Hail, High Holy Ones
May your Names be blessed
Pour forth upon us wisdom
And guide us in Your ways

On the first bead after the medallion, state the mystery you are meditating upon
[For example: Conception and the time of beginnings] then add
Oh Nameless and Infinite One
Guide me upon my path
Protect me from evil
And ever remember me, your child

On the next ten beads
Hail, Nameless and Infinite One
Guide me to wisdom
and protect me, your child

On the next spacer bead, state the mystery you are meditating upon
[For example: Incarnation and beginnings] then add
Oh Great Mother of All
Guide me upon my path
Protect me from evil
And ever remember me, your child

On the next ten beads
Hail, Mother of All
Guide me to wisdom
and protect me, your child

On the next spacer bead, state the mystery you are meditating upon
[For example: Growth and Action] then add
Oh Holy Maiden
Oh Holy Hart in the Wood
Guide me upon my path
Protect me from evil
And ever remember me, your child

On the next ten beads
Hail to the Maiden
Hail to the Stag
Guide me to wisdom
and protect me, your child

On the next spacer bead, state the mystery you are meditating upon
[For example: Maturity and completion] and add
Oh Horned One
And Great Crone
Guide me upon my path
Protect me from evil
And ever remember me, your child

On the next ten beads
Hail Horned One, Lord of Life and Death
Hail Great Crone, Lady of Mysteries
Guide me to wisdom
and protect me, your child

On the next spacer bead, state the next mystery you shall be meditating upon
[For example: Death, the world of Spirit, and the Unknown] and say
Oh Nameless and Infinite One
Guide me upon my path
Protect me from evil
And ever remember me, your child

On the next ten beads
Hail, Nameless and Infinite One
Guide me to wisdom
and protect me, your child

On the medallion
Blessed be the High Holy Ones
Blessed be the Goddess and God
Blessed be the Nameless and Infinite

Hear my prayers
May it be that they please you
And bless the world

So mote it be

*The Nameless and Infinite One is the unity of all divinity, incomprehensible in its vastness. It is devoid of specific gender because it is male, female, and neutral all at the same time.

Envisioning Loki

2011-12-16T19:59:00.002-05:00

Some people say that Loki isn't a god. They argue that is jotunn heritage makes him a jotunn and therefore not a god. These people are ignorant of the fact that many of the Aesir and Vanir are descendant from jotunns as well. If you sit down and actually read the old legends, you find that before the first war between the gods and jotunns, they intermarried frequently. That, however, is a different topic and I'm not going to ramble on about that. To say the least, Loki is a god.

He happens to be a patron deity of mine. He's made clear to me in several different ways (some which I am not to speak of so don't ask for full disclosure here) that he has adopted me as a daughter. It's not something that is common. It seems more common in the heathen community to find godspouses.

He makes his presence known in several different ways that I *can* talk about. I have visions of him. I hear his voice. I see him in the flicker of a flame. I can feel his presence in a 'ghostly' embrace. Random sources of encouragement, support, or advice from strangers. The list goes on and on.

When I have visions of him, I see him in a few different ways. One is akin to the earliest depiction of him I ever encountered. Black haired and dark eyed, he is an enormous man. In this visage, it is easy to see that he is indeed part jotunn. This aspect also happens to be the crueler one. I haven't had that cruelty directed at me but I have seen it directed at others. It's not pretty. Then there is the visage that I saw him in when I was in high school. Again, tall but with red hair, blue eyes, and freckles. This is one of his more mischievous guises. It is also closer to the one that he presents to virtually everyone else, it seems. And then there is the lean, red haired man with green eyes. He is tall but lanky. And has the sharp qualities of a knife's edge. This is the more familiar face for others who follow Loki or have him in their lives.

Then there is the faceless visions. Beside him, I look to be a small child, even at my full height. It isn't that he has no face but that I can't clearly see it. When the visions are of this quality, he usually is holding and comforting me as one would comfort an upset child. At times, I do see parts of his face. It is a blend of all three of the faces that I have seen consistently in the past. Usually, however, my head is pillowed against his shoulder.

Since the strife between my parents and I had begun, Loki has been making his presence known in that faceless, comforting fashion. I don't know where this places me in relation to the godspouses. It is a confusing thing. He tells me, however, that confusion is but the beginning of clarity. I know others have a rather prickly relationship with this volatile deity. It is unfortunate.

He has been a source of stability and comfort for me when my life was in utter upheaval. There have been times where Loki helped me in ways that to most people seem unbecoming of a deity. After all, when was the last time you have heard of a god letting you cry on their shoulder? Some day, I will have the opportunity to speak with him with the aid of someone who is serving as his horse. Until then, I just do my daily things and listen for his comments.

Sometimes they are hilarious. Sometimes they are maddening, but they always seem to be just what I need to hear at that moment.

A word from Loki

2011-11-04T21:15:00.002-04:00

Sif's Barber has been whispering in my ear again. He wants something simple conveyed:

Would all of you shut the fuck up? I'm sick of hearing whining about how the System is broken and I have to fix it for you. Stand up on your own two feet and do it yourselves. You created the problem. You're not children, you can damn well fix it.

Now, that said, my priestess (yes I said MY priestess, those of you who'd be offended need to get over it) has some work to do and you are going to help her. The way you're going to help is by getting off her back. (This message is for the dead, by the way.)

As for the others, the breathing mortal folk, get up off your asses and do some work for a change. Gods are not playthings or instant win tickets. Keep pestering and you're going to find that we do take an interest in you. I assure you, given your tone, it will not be kindly. At least, not by me.

To put it lightly, he is not pleased with the behavior of some of his followers. Even as I sit here, I can still tell that he is grumbling and muttering in irritation. Loki usually doesn't do that. I don't know how many folk follow him that happen to read this page, but those who do I guess you have been warned. Considering that Loki doesn't do this that often, it'd be a good idea to heed it.

Loki's irritation with the "idiots" in the world (some days I almost wish I wasn't able to hear things but that's a different topic for a different day) aside, I feel that I must post something in here.

Loki has been making things increasingly challenging for me. I've been pressed into doing research about how others follow/worship him. It's been showing the relationship I have with him is unique. After all, how many deities will merely laugh at you when you tell them to go screw themselves. (By the way, Loki laughed his proverbial ass off and then reiterated what he wanted to tell me. Sixteen times in a row. Don't say he doesn't get even, because he does. Usually in the most maddening ways possible.)

I've also been finding that I am more like a dyed in the wool wiccan then I was willing to admit. It has been a bewildering experience. Loki's been getting a good laugh out of that too. He says when I hold my first real circle, then I'll finally understand what he's been trying to tell me on that matter. Apparently, the small circles that I've been doing don't count. He wants me to do one with several others, serving as high priestess.

It's a thing that I'm not entirely sure how I feel about this. On one hand, my anthrophobia (I learned a new word that accurately describes just what it is I fear) is screaming 'No! Don't do it!' while there's another part of me that actually misses the experience of being part of a group practicing witch craft. Formal covens or informal gatherings, there's a special flow to the energy when you add others into the mix.

He's been telling me to get to know Sigyn. He's not saying I should let go of my relationship with Morrigan but that Sigyn is important for me to know for more reasons then the fact that she is his wife. I feel foolish admitting this, but I'm a bit afraid of her. I find myself worried that she is not going to like me. Loki insists this is simply foolish of me but it's a hard fear to shake. I never thought that my anthrophobia could extend to gods, but it seems to have in this case.

It's funny, but one of the ways I can tell that Loki is present is I smell smoke. Right now, I smell pine smoke. It makes me smile because it brings to mind the fire lit in my grandparent's living room fireplace when I was a child. It also brings to mind the story of who Loki's parents are and how some people insist he is the embodiment of wild fire.

Loki wants me to change how I do things. I am uncomfortable with this but I suppose growth is not always to be comfortable. After all, today he insisted I go out in public and interact with complete strangers.

Contemplitive Ramblings

2011-10-15T19:10:00.003-04:00

Waning Blood Moon (Age: 17.4 days)
Sign: Aquarius
Weather: Cloudy & damp,
high wind warnings in effect
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Contemplation is defined as deep, reflective thought. Some contend that it is a form of prayer. Others argue that it is not. This debate really doesn't trouble me. It is a non-issue, to be honest. Those who fall on either side of this matter tend to detract from the action and its value when they decide to engage in their arguments. As such, I bow out of that discussion and this is the extent of my addition to it.

I admire the poetry and mystic writings of the Beguines. Their focus upon divine love makes me feel a deep sense of kinship with them. The poem below I find particularly resonant:

Love has subjugated me:
To me this is no surprise,
For she is strong and I am weak.
She makes me
Unfree of myself,
Continually against my will.
She does with me what she wishes;
Nothing of myself remains to me;
Formerly I was rich,
Now I am poor: everything is lost in love.
~ From Here

It is perhaps the clearest depiction of what I have experienced in my relationship with the gods. I am a free woman. I can do as I choose. I am, however, overwhelmed by the Love of the gods for me. I could theoretically choose to act against their Will. That Love, however, continually pushes me into close alignment with them. I could theoretically deny them. Love, however, puts their names in my mouth continually.

It is confusing at times. It is difficult at times. Sometimes, I do attempt to resist but I always wind up back at the same place. I always find myself in their arms. It doesn't matter if I am healthy or sick; confident or unsure; bold or frightened. I am always there in that place of deafening quiet that marks their presence. They never reject me. They never abandon me. It's simply not possible because they have laid their hands upon me and marked me as theirs.

When my life is at it's darkest and I feel most alone, they send me aid and succor. It has come in the form of unexpected kindness, a sudden upwelling of strength, and moments of crystalline clarity that strike like lightning bolts. It is hard to remember this simple truth. Then they remind me.

As I struggle forward through depression (again), I will do my best to remember their kindness and love.

Thoughts on Invocations.

2011-10-10T20:56:00.002-04:00

Full Blood Moon (Age: 13 days)
Sign: Aires
Weather: Mild, overcast.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

I've been reading a book titled Modern Spirituality. It focuses predominantly upon Christian spiritual writings. It has been an interesting read so far. It got me to thinking about invocations. An essay in this book discusses the name of Jesus as a vehicle for prayer. It was most enlightening to read. I had not considered this method of invocation before. It was so simple that I felt rather foolish for not having realized it existed.

The essay exhorts the reader to meditate upon Jesus as they state his name. The reader is then guided to consider the recitation of Jesus's name as entering into communion^[1] with him. The author admonishes the reader not to force this feeling of intimate connection but rather to allow it to arise naturally as they engage in contemplation.

It lead me to think about my experience of invocations. I don't believe I have ever experienced anything like that. I have experienced the very direct and immediate presence of the gods, but it was like being a stone cast into a river. I've understood invocations to be a request of the presence of the one being invoked. I had never considered it as a means of experiencing their presence.

Flame-hair makes his presence known regularly. The words that meet you upon going to this online shrine for him does a relatively good job of describing one of the more common ways he makes his presence known. As I have read about the experiences of others, I'm increasingly realizing that the Sly-one and I don't have the typical deity-worshiper relationship. After all, how many people can point to Loki as one of their comforters during times of distress?

It inspires me to consider what other deities I could come to experience such a personal relationship with.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
1. I am using the term communion in terms of the 4th definition posted on Dictionary.com.

Mental Health & Spiritual Health

2011-10-07T20:26:00.003-04:00

Waxing Gibbous Blood Moon (age: 11 days)
Sign: Aquarius
Weather: Fair skies, cool but seasonable
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

I have been having snippets of things that I had dreamed of coming to pass. A part of me is uncomfortable with this. My discomfort is in the fact that this is something that has always marked me as something other. My psychic gifts are not some trifling thing that I can pick up or put down when ever I want. Sometimes it feels as though they're more of an affliction then a blessing.

For a while, I feared that my psychic gifts were not real. I feared that they were but another sign of madness. It took a stay in a psychiatric ward and experiencing strong medication for me to realize that my psychic gifts were real and entirely separate from my mental illness. So many people assume that you are lying when you tell them the truth about something like this. It is a sad world we live in to have such a jaded approach to everything.

Gods and goddesses associated with madness seem to think I'm a 'good kid' and have proven to be a powerful source of comfort as I struggle with my illness. It is amusing to see how so many 'normal' people portray these gods and goddesses as villains or buffoons. It's like looking at a cartoon and having people tell you that the cartoon is what the real image looks like. Mice do not wear gloves and red shorts with suspenders. Clark Kent isn't really Superman.

I have been working to build more compassion for myself in my life. It is very telling when I have the Norse God of Chaos telling me that I have been too hard on myself for too long. Or that it is alright to admit my fears and there is no shame in weeping when grief overrides me. This compassion is not something that is the 'textbook' image of Loki. And that's ok. The people who were writing the 'textbook' failed to look beyond the Christianized sources and propaganda against the old pagan faiths.

I suspect that my relationship with Flame-Hair is more like what there was back in the old days.

A Creation Myth & More

2011-10-02T12:37:00.004-04:00

Waxing Blood Moon (Age: 6 days)
Moon Sign: Sagittarius
Weather: Cool, cloudy & rainy
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

So I've been meditating upon things such as how the world came to be. It has lead to some writing that I believe is going to prove helpful to someone out there in the world. As such, I submit it here. Please, if you are going to quote this (or any of my work), give proper credit where it is due.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

The Birth of the Universe

Long before the beginnings of mankind or life upon our planet, there was No-thing. No-thing was a paradox. Vast yet a quantum singularity. Gross matter yet sentient. Alone yet not. From this great Nameless source came all that was, is, and yet will be.

No-thing transformed into All. From this transformation came the Pain of change, the Joy of ecstasy, and the Stillness of Death. Even now No-thing continues to be a paradox. Distinct things that are unique in their forms but also a connected whole abound where No-thing was. A dizzying array of energy and matter proliferates, but yet remain constant. Wondrous yet familiar, these paradoxes have always been. For No-thing continues to transform and in transformation remains as it has always been.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

The Descent of Gods

Upon the planet known as Earth, humans appeared after a long chain of transformation. They became aware of the aspects of existence beyond mere causality and that which they were engaged. As they considered things such as why the rain falls and from where does life begin, they began to name the Nameless.

From this act, Gods came to be. As part of the Nameless, however, they had always been. As more of the humans did this, the more the Gods grew. In time the Gods grew aware of and engaged those who called upon them. As humans forgot them, the Gods waned and diminished until their voices became faint. To those who call upon them in full faith, their voices ring out clear, as they did of old.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

The Wheel of Aeons & Existence
(Also known as the Wheel of Life.)

We are taught that all matter in a system is neither created or destroyed[1]. The same is true for energy. Just as matter can be reordered with the same component parts, so too can the energy signature of a given life form. By this process does the soul[2] transmigrate into other forms. Different forms contribute different resonances to the energy signature. These resonances manifest in the complex energy systems[3] of life forms as memories of past lives.

The transmigration of souls is described as a wheel. When the symbol of the wheel is considered in this sense, it is the Wheel of Existence. When the symbolism of the wheel is applies to the changes of time as marked by history and in the resonances of a soul, it is the Wheel of Aeons. Some call this wheel the Great Wheel or the Wheel of Birth and Rebirth, combining both symbols into one.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

These are still fairly rough. It is, however, a beginning of how I view the cosmology of my faith and how I reconcile it with what we know of the world through Science.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Footnotes
1. The First Law of Thermodynamics: Conservation of Energy & Conservation of Matter
2. The soul is the energy signature of a given life form.
3. The thought structures of a given life form.

Rambing thoughts on Labor & the Goddess.

2011-10-02T12:05:00.005-04:00

Waxing Blood Moon (Age: 6 days)
Moon Sign: Sagittarius
Weather: Cool, cloudy & rainy
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

As I sit here in the grips of discomfort due to premenstrual cramps, I find myself reminded of labor. Labor was terribly uncomfortable but the part that was the worst was the intense distress that I felt over possibly being viewed as a coward. With each contraction, I grew more upset until I was near tears when my time to go in for the c-section came up. As the anesthesiologist was giving me the spinal block, I couldn't help crying out with fear.

I look back on that moment and I feel such a surge of pity for myself in that time. I was so wrapped up in the terror that I would be judged and found lacking. I had been struggling with depression, as I have been recently, and the night before I had argued with my husband. It came together with the wild ride of hormonal changes to create a very different situation then when my first child was born. It makes me sad that the birth of my second child was filled with such distress where as the birth of my first was a much happier event.

I find myself wondering, has the Goddess felt such fear when her time came upon her? I look at the world at large and consider the struggles of mothers to birth their children, of any species, and that question returns to me again and again. Maiden horses (mares that are birthing their first foal) require careful monitoring and soothing to help them through the experience when not in the wild. In the wild, I am sure that there are mares and foals lost due to complications that come from the distress of the mare and subsequent physical difficulties. I suspect that the same need for care and soothing would be found through out all other species in the event of the first birth, if not subsequent birthings. (I would be inclined to consider the laying of eggs as a form of birthing, given the strain it places upon the body.)

I suppose one must conclude that somewhere in the mythology of the Goddess, there is a story of her suffering in labor. Is it egocentric of me to feel compassion, if not a touch of pity, for the Lady herself? It is much like when I was contemplating Catholicism and my mind continually returned to the Passion of Christ, filling me with pity and sorrow for the suffering of Jesus. So many Christians that I know speak of the Passion (a Latin word for suffering) as a glorious triumph and remove the very real misery and terror from the event.

If Jesus was in sufficient terror to beg God the Father to alleviate his suffering, if at all possible, then wouldn't Christians recollect this? The events in the garden of Gethsemane are clearly an example of the very human experience of fear in the face of travail, in my opinion. Wiccan theology is not so very different from Christian at times. The suffering of the Goddess in labor and the suffering of the Harvest God could be argued to be in some ways parallel to the suffering of Jesus.

In all three cases, there is suffering of the flesh, the mind, and arguably the spirit. The flesh suffering pain and in two cases death are much like the suffering we endure in life. We have times where we experience pain, at times such intense pain that we are unsure if we can bear it. This would be the suffering of the mind. The terror that comes attendant upon pain or the lack of surety that comes with it is something that all humanity can recognize. I suspect that the Goddess experiences some measure of the fear that all mothers have at the time of labor, fear that their child or possibly themselves will not survive it.

For some, I am sure that fear is a brief experience. I don't think that it is all consuming but I suspect it does rear its head for all women who are birthing their first or subsequent children. I know that it laid its cold hand upon my shoulder at the time of birthing both my children, even though the experiences were as different as night and day. The suffering of the spirit is something akin to the suffering of the mind, I think. I could, however, be entirely wrong.

I had something I wanted to say but it just vanished from my thoughts after my eldest distracted me. Such is life, I suppose.

Curiouser and curiouser...

2011-09-24T21:01:00.002-04:00

In my effort to make an end run around my on going psychological difficulties, I started doing some reading about the Morrigan. In the course of my following links and reading on various sites (some well known and respect and others less so), I stumbled on to a connection that rather left me in shock. There is a theory, that is built upon anthropological precepts, that the Morrigan and Sigyn are quite possibly a manifestation of an earlier Goddess.

It left me rather thunderstruck. Could this be why Morrigan is a patroness of mine? And the reason for the unexpected amicable relationship between a Celtic goddess and the Lie-Smith? I have heard them both chuckling at me at times. It is a rather... bewildering thing. And yet, it makes absolute sense at the same time. A case of 'of course! why didn't I see it before now?' if you will.

I am a face of the Goddess.

2011-09-16T13:14:00.002-04:00

Current Phase: Waning Harvest Moon
Current Sign: Taurus
Weather: Cool, partly cloudy skies
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

I just had an awakening of sorts today. For some people this would be a case of me finally figuring something out that was obvious to them. For others this would get me a funny look.

What was my awakening? I realized that I am a face of the Mother Goddess. One of my neighbors, an older man who struggles with depression and is in the midst of a rather messy divorce (one he doesn't want at all) was just here for an hour. As I listened to him talk about his troubles, my response was not annoyance (as it has been at times in the past). Instead, I felt deep compassion for him. I didn't pity him (as I had in the past) so much as I felt this deep sense of kindness.

I had no desire to take his suffering onto myself, as I recognized that it was his own to deal with. I gave him some ideas for how to deal with it but mostly, I listened and affirmed his validity in feeling heart broken. That, along with a hug and a cup of tea completely turned his mood around. His anxiety dropped, he began to feel a little happier, and he had a greater sense of control over his life. It was a great thing of magic to watch unfold. I actively did nothing more then give him a hug and a cup of tea.

Some how, something moved between us and he went from being in near tears to smiling. Some Christians would say that it was the grace of God that made this happen. Others would say that this how one effectively ministers to the depressed people of the world. I may agree that some sense of divine grace passed through that moment. I contend, however, that it was acting as a tool for him to heal himself.

I came away from the experience humbled and in awe. There was no ritual Drawing Down the Moon or similar invocation. It just sprung unbidden from the heart and lay between us, breathing in the space there. And the Goddess wore my face for that moment to place that grace there.

Prayers & Beads

2011-08-24T20:42:00.003-04:00

Waning Corn Moon (Age: 25 days)
Moon Sign: Cancer
Weather: Clear skies, seasonably warm with
rain expected later in the evening
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

I've been attempting to compose prayers to use with my prayer beads but it has been difficult to find the right fit. I suspect, however, that others may find them helpful for their own practices. Feel free to use them with my blessing. If you wish to use them upon your website, please remember to attribute it to me.

Oh Holy One of All Names and Forms
Guide me, your sacred Child
Upon the path of Life and Wisdom.
Teach me to forgive and bless myself
As I forgive and bless others.
Give to me what I need to grow
In to a reflection of You.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Blessed Mother of All, Font of Grace
Guide me to wisdom
Preserve me from evil
And teach me true Peace.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

All Father, Stag of Sacrifice, He Who is Cut Down
Guide me to wisdom
Preserve me from evil
And teach me the meaning of true Honor

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Oh Holy Ones, enter into my heart as Love.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Hail, Thee who is Nameless!
Blessed Bringer of Life
You are with me.
Blessed am I, your child
And blessed is all the World in You.
Protect us now from evil and guide us to wisdom.
Your Love be upon us always.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

A Litany for the Victims

Deliver all victims from Oppression
Heal their wounds
Deliver all victims from Abuse
Heal their wounds
Deliver all victims from War
Heal their wounds
Deliver all victims from Hate
Heal their wounds
Deliver all victims from Evil
Heal their wounds
Deliver all victims from Poverty
Heal their wounds
Deliver all victims from Excess
Heal their wounds

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

I tried patterning prayers upon the ones that I have seen elsewhere. Of these only the Litany above and Hail, Thee who is Nameless resonate with me. I have spent the last hour searching through the older volumes of my Book of Shadows only to find a scant few copied pages from websites from my first few attempts to use prayer beads. It was a most dis-satisfactory experience and the pages got buried. It is amusing in some warped way that these pages that I copied are the same ones that I am finding now.

Prayer beads and such things.

2011-08-18T20:02:00.002-04:00

Moon: Waning Corn moon (age:19 days)
Moon Sign: Aries
Weather: Partially cloudy, seasonably warm
& drought status less severe
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

I have continued to do research regarding the practice of prayer beads in the pagan community. This appears to be the best source I have found so far. It is very frustrating. I see there are quite a few references to pagans using prayer beads but very little is actually said. I at first considered adapting the Catholic rosary but that is not going to work for me and feels more then a little disrespectful.

So I've decided to try applying a few pagan chants. On a whim, I attempted to translate some of the more well known ones into Latin. The results are below

We all come from the Goddess and to her we shall return -- nos adveho ex dea quod ut suus nos vadum reverto

The Earth is our mother -- orbis terrarum est nostrum matris

To say the least, the Latin translation was clumsy and generally not looking like it was going to be successful. Donald Engstrom-Reese advises we consider the intention of our prayer beads on his page. When we consider the purpose of prayer beads at large, it becomes clear that it is to serve as a vehicle for one to meditate upon the sacred Mysteries of their faith, the repetition of a set prayers, and free the mind for an ecstatic experience of the Divine.

I tried my hand at arranging a set of prayers for my use on a rosary but it just lead to much frustration. I feel drawn to this. Quite powerfully so, but I am at a loss for where to start. There is a veritable mountain of information about Christian, Muslim, Hindu, and Buddhist prayer beads. There's even information about Unitarian Universalists and their prayer bead practices.

I encounter countless pages offering to sell me prayer beads but little in the way of information on how prayers are structured. I approach this like I approach writing poetry in a form that is unfamiliar to me. I want to learn as much as I can about how others write in that style and form before I make the attempt. It seems, however, that I may just be breaking new ground here.

I am not sure how comfortable I am with that. Actually, I feel very uncomfortable with that. I feel disheartened and, well, sad. I look for some sort of sign posts to guide me and I can't really find any for my faith. Ah well, if the Gods are pushing me forward on this path, then I suppose I'm going to wind up there one way or the other. It's easier to go with them then to resist. Resisting only makes things more uncomfortable.

The Lady's Law: Perfect Love & Perfect Trust

2011-08-13T22:23:00.002-04:00

Full Corn Moon (age: 15 days)
Moon Sign: Aquarius
Weather: Seasonably mild, pop up thunderstorms,
slightly humid
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

"Bide the Wiccan Laws ye must, in perfect love and perfect trust."
~ Lady Gwen Thomson, Rede of the Wiccae

Perfect love and perfect trust is an expression thrown around a lot by Wiccans and other members of the pagan community. Perfect love is unconditional love. It is akin to the type of love referred to by many Christians as agape. Perfect love is extended not only to our fellow humans but to the world in it's entirety. We love the world because it is in some ways kin to us, in other ways the embodiment of our Gods, and because it is simply there to be loved. We love our fellow humanity because they are there; they are our brethren; and because they embody aspects of our Gods.

Perfect love can be a terrifying thing. It requires such vulnerability. We wear our hearts on our sleeves. At the same time, however, we are not Pollyanna about this. Perfect trust requires us to see the world as it is. We trust the liars to be liars. We trust that people are fallible. Perfect trust strips us of our assumptions about the world. It is the harshness of brilliant morning even as it is the glory of sunrise. We see each thing as it is when we operate from the basis of perfect trust.

Perfect trust, for all of it's harshness, is also the shield that protects us when we operate from the basis of perfect love. We do not blind ourselves to the flaws of ourselves or others. Thus, we do not set ourselves up for heartache. We accept reality as it is, rather then casting the pall of our desires over it.

We all struggle with perfect love and perfect trust. We are human and we are going to stumble along the path at times. This is where perfect love and perfect trust in ourselves is important. Perfect love for ourselves is the healthy, unconditional love of who we are despite our limitations and flaws. Perfect trust is the faith we have in ourselves to do the right thing at the right time. We all suffer times of self doubt, but as long as we continue to strive for meeting this challenging rule set out for us then we can say that we have made a good faith effort.

In the end, that is all anyone can ask of us.

A Goddess Rosary?

2011-08-13T19:35:00.008-04:00

Full Corn Moon (age: 15 days)
Moon Sign: Aquarius
Weather: Seasonably mild, pop up thunderstorms,
slightly humid
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

I've been feeling drawn to reciting a rosary of sorts. For the last several weeks, this urge has grown stronger. I am convinced that this is not a simple matter of whimsy by the persistence and depth of this urge. While I am familiar with the Catholic rosary, it does not correctly address this need of mine. The Deanists have a rosary that is in many ways similar to the Catholic one but it also doesn't fit quite what my need is. And as I have been studying and researching this intently, I have come to the conclusion that this is a spiritual need.

Oddly enough, I have also been finding myself drawn to contemplating if the concept of sin fits into my world view. The catechism of the Catholics and the Deanists both speak of sin. It is challenging for me to consider this because I must first overcome the Christian concept of sin which is so very pervasive in our society. It is a debilitating concept and one that I reject down to the marrow of my bones. It was a part of Catholicism that just didn't sit right with me when I was seriously considering converting, even.

As I was running errands earlier this evening, a thought struck me. If the definition of sin (the noun) is to transgress against Divine law, my self hatred/loathing would clearly be that. It is a violation of the Lady's law of Perfect Love*. The simplicity of this was in many ways earth shaking. There was no 'fall from Grace' or conscious rejection of this divine law from a willful mind, choosing to embrace some malefic path. It was just that I was in error by way of unhealthy habits, habits which I am striving to correct.

I was then at a proverbial crossroads. Do I engage in some borrowed ritual of penance? Do I devise my own ritual of penance? Or perhaps beg forgiveness from the Lady? Do I strive to correct my error and beseech the Lady's blessing and aid in my endeavors? I was a tad confused. Much of my theological training and education did not directly address this matter and I felt as though I was treading unbroken ground. It was an uncomfortable feeling, to say the least.

I had never felt the need, even in my times of dire desperation and crisis, to throw myself at the feet of the Gods and beg for anything in as abject and piteous a fashion that I could muster. The rituals of penance that I could devise or otherwise subject myself to would have been empty. As such, logically I can not do such a ritual because it would be dishonest and dishonorable of me. Begging forgiveness from the Lady struck me as an empty act as well. I know full well what the response would be, "Forgive thyself." Thus, I returned to the final option, which was to correct my error.

I admit, I feel uneasy asking the Lady's blessing and aid in this effort. A part of me says that I am not worthy of such assistance and that my problems are too small to merit such a request. It is, however, the same place that my self hatred/loathing springs from, thus I must reject it. I am unsure, however, just how to phrase such a request. I am unsure just what this has to do with the urge for a rosary of my own. It is mildly upsetting to be so confused and conflicted on this point.

Logic demands to know what the objective of a rosary practice would be. For the Catholics, it is the vehicle by which they contemplate the sacred mysteries of their faith. The same is true for the Deanists. For other witches, the rosary is a tool by which they cast spells, strengthen their relationship with the Gods, and meditate. I don't know how a rosary would serve me, what it's function would be in my practices. I only know that I am pulled, prodded, and pushed down the path of using one by the Lady.

I had hoped that I would stumble upon something that would answer my needs in the course of my research. Instead, I find only more questions, frustration, and a deep sense of dissatisfaction with what I find. Perhaps I should write my own prayers rather then take from other sources their freely shared prayers, I don't know. I only know that I have a deep desire to engage in this practice and I don't know why or what I would be seeking to accomplish. I feel a great deal of confusion. Perhaps the Lady will bless me with clarity.

----
* An exegesis upon this element of the Charge of the Goddess ~~will be posted soon~~.

E-Book of Shadows?

2011-08-06T19:10:00.004-04:00

Moon Phase: Waxing Corn (Age: 7 days)
Moon Sign: Scorpio
Weather: Cloudy, seasonably warm.
cool front expected later tonight
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

I've been considering my options as to how I could organize the volumes of research that I have in my Book of Shadows. I am leaning more and more towards making up a couple of e-books, then burning them to CD. I suspect it will be a significant amount easier then wading my way through four notebooks and approximately 2 1/2 inches of paper to look up one fact or detail.

My current volume of my Book of Shadows is serving as a journal and spell book. I have been giving a great deal of thought to devising separate books for lore, spells, rituals, and psychic notes. I look at what I have now and I feel quite... irate with how difficult it is for me to dig through it to find what I am looking for.

Every so often, I halfheartedly attempt to make this mess resemble order. I usually stick with it about a week at most and then throw my hands up in exasperation. Since Stormcrow's request that I find some information about astral projection about two weeks ago, I have been up to my eyeballs in paper. This is just plain silly and counter productive.

Aside from that, I'll be posting up a few things from the annals of my magical history as I dig through all this stuff. I have some material that I think would prove of interest to you, my Readers. All I ask is that you bear with me as I proceed.

Suicide: more thoughts

2011-08-04T22:53:00.003-04:00

Moon phase: Waxing Corn (Age: 5 days)
Moon Sign: Libra
Weather: Fair skies, seasonable; drought continues

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

I've been giving the matter a great deal more thought over the last two days. It has been difficult for me to dig down through the layers to get to the most genuine of my feelings on Summer's suicide. I recognize the shock, disappointment, and anger were part of my response. The anger, however, grew for reasons aside from the fact that I was upset that she took her own life. It rose up and overrode the other feelings in a fashion that blinded me for a time to what I truly felt.

I have had time now to sit and examine the subject. And to examine my response to it. At the root of it all, I feel pity and compassion. At the time, I didn't feel comfortable with those emotions. I pushed them aside and grabbed hold of the anger. I recognize that the stages of grief include anger, but I didn't expect to cycle through to it so fast. I still hold to my initial statement when I learned of what happened: she should have picked up the phone, not the pills.

As I look at this, I must admit, I found myself going back to when I was actively suicidal. That phone call for help was one of the hardest things I have ever done. My hands were literally shaking with fear. I was fairly certain that if I couldn't get my therapist on the phone that I was going to do something terrible. I remember feeling terribly alone in that moment.

I can only guess how alone Summer felt at that time. In my case, I heard my mother's voice screaming in my ear. I don't know what was going on in Summer's case. I suspect, however, that the pain of her illness had reached an intolerable level and she was desperate for a way out. I don't think she was thinking clearly, because with out the influence of mental illness she was a vivacious person who virtually glowed with her love of life.

I pity the suffering she had and the crippling psychic pain that drove her to this act. My hackles go up at the fact that she killed herself in almost the exact same fashion that I had planned. The timing of it also leaves me uneasy because it hits too close to home. In some strange fashion, I find myself reminded to be thankful that I didn't kill myself and that I had gotten help. I don't know if that makes me a freak or not.

You will be missed, Summer. May it be that you have found the peace you were so desperate for and healing in the arms of the Goddess.

Suicide: How I view it.

2011-08-02T21:28:00.004-04:00

Moon phase: Waxing Corn Moon (age: 3 days)
Moon Sign: Virgo
Weather: Fair skies, warm but seasonably so; drought still persists
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

A friend of mine committed suicide a few days ago. It surprised and disappointed me. I felt some pity for her. Then I got angry. Really angry. I then took a step back and said to myself "Why are you angry, you contemplated it? How does your Tradition view suicide?" Those two questions stopped me cold in my tracks and have been rattling around in my mind for a little while now. Beloved's position was pure anger, as was that of Stormcrow. Both men had an excellent point when they expressed their disdain for one's final act to be of such selfishness. Both of them held out that the dead no longer were effected by their actions in this world, but left a tangled mess behind them for the living to sort out as a result of their final action.

The logical part of my brain agreed with this but the anger ran deeper then that. There was some sort of spiritual aspect to it that had me stumped. As such, I meditated upon the matter. I contemplated it as I lay sleepless the night after we had learned what happened. I rolled it around in my head as I was walking my son home from the bus stop. Then it finally hit me where the anger stemmed from.

I can accept that one will commit suicide to escape pain, to escape a poor quality of life, or as an act of resistance. I can accept that suicide can be accidental or a result of one's thinking getting completely distorted by things outside of their ability to control, such as the side effect of their medications. Suicide makes sense in these contexts. It may not be the ideal solution in the eyes of a third party, but to the person who is deliberately acting in this fashion, it will have been perceived as the best possible solution available to them. And as the First Law of Human Behavior states: All people shall act according to what they believe to be in their best interests according to the information they perceive to be available and relevant.

My anger came out of the fact that this suicide was a result of poorly managed depression. This young woman, according to what information I have learned from sources that were close to her prior to this event, intentionally disregarded elements of her illness. It is this that makes me angry. She knew she was on a collision course with a suicidal mindset but refused to address it. As one who has lived with recurrent bouts of suicidal depression for most of their life, I know what that feeling is like. At one point, I had several friends drag me back from walking out into traffic. As terrifying as incidents like that were, I struggle daily with suicidal thoughts as a result of my post-traumatic stress disorder and chronic, recurrent depression.

Why haven't I killed myself? It isn't out of cowardice, as my Mother once accused me of. It is courage and a grim determination to meet my responsibilities. It is my sense of honor. I have duties to people around me that I must uphold, lest I prove less then honorable. My friend knew she had similar duties to people around her. She chose not to make an effort to meet them, even if it wasn't perfectly. It was a cowardly act.

Now, there is a distinct possibility that the information that I have is incorrect. It may be that complications from her antidepressants caused her to become suicidal. If that is the case, my anger is mitigated somewhat. As this change in her thinking occurred, however, she should have addressed it with her doctor. Suicidal thoughts, generally, are not something that strike out of the blue unless there is a preexisting condition that is manifesting in that fashion. As such, she would have had a window of opportunity to get help for her crisis. An opportunity that she allowed to pass by.

I do not feel proud of my own suicidal tendencies. I am rather ashamed of them, actually. I, however, continue to fight them because I refuse to dishonor myself by failing in my obligations. It is my experience that the Gods punish dishonor. It comes in strange and at times subtle ways. But it does come. I have known people who bore the mark of a curse upon their aura and learned why. I have no wish to know how one who willfully dishonors themselves and commits suicide makes recompense for their failure to keep their oaths and meet their duties.

Edited to Add~ I realized as I reread this that I was writing my way through an emotional flashback. I believe I will let this post stand, but I need to give the entire situation more consideration before I post again on the topic. I apologize to any whom I offended.

Blessed First Harvest!

2011-08-02T21:03:00.002-04:00

Moon phase: Waxing Corn Moon (age: 3 days)
Moon Sign: Virgo
Weather: Fair skies, warm but seasonably so; drought still persists
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

In my own manner, I have been observing the festival of the first harvest for a little over a month now. I started with the first strawberries from my plants (subsequently, the only ones due to this drought). I then moved on to the wild black berries and my herbs. Today, I harvested the first pepper (which was tiny but so flavorful) off of my pepper plant.

It is my hope that with careful and diligent watering, my pepper plant will put out more peppers and the tomatoes will actually fruit, not just survive this beastly drought. With each bite, I said out loud or within my own little head a small prayer.

Hail to the Green Man! He who feeds us with his flesh!

It was unfortunate that my wheat didn't sprout and grow. If I am lucky, however, I may be able to get some gleanings from somewhere around here. Quite surprisingly, actually, I have a bit of wheat growing in the pot where I attempted to re-pot my very sickly orchid. The orchid, unfortunately, was too weak to take being repotted. But somehow, wheat seeds found their way into my MiL's bag of orchid potting mix and into the pot that had held my orchid. I'm hoping these seeds will continue to grow and I may get some ripe ears out of it, but I am not going to hold my breath.

I feel truly blessed right now, even with the pain in my leg (from a fall back in early June). I am home with my family. I have my plants growing as well as they can despite the drought. My children are growing up fine and strong. My husband has work and we can pay our bills. It is a collection of relatively small things compared to what goes on in the world, but I am deeply thankful for them. Sometimes, the greatest blessings are the ordinary things that we take for granted.

To have food to put in our bellies, clothes to cover us, and a roof to shelter us is to be in possession of a great many blessings that others are not so fortunate to have. Thus, I am thankful.

In my tradition, the First Harvest is a blessed day of work. Work is sacred. Just as the planting of the fields is a holy thing, so too is bringing in the harvest. I am profoundly thankful that I am home to go about the work of being a housewife and mother. Last year, I was in a hospital for my psychological illness. It was as different from today as night is from day. I have grown from that experience and I am thankful for the wisdom that has come from it.

Thus, the celebration of harvest season begins officially for many other Witches and Pagans. I too join in their ranks to take as much joy from life as I possibly can right now and to savor the plenty that is abundantly available before Winter comes. I may not be ready yet to make preserves to store up what I have grown in my garden, but each memory preserves the Summer to comfort me.

Blessed First Harvest, everyone.

A meditation upon the Charge of the Goddess

2011-07-14T21:09:00.002-04:00

Moon: Waxing Mead moon (age: 13 days)
Moon Sign: Capricorn
Weather: Fair, seasonably mild
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Let My worship be in the heart that rejoices, for behold, all acts of love and pleasure are My rituals.
Let there be beauty and strength, power and compassion, honor and humility, mirth and reverence within you.

And you who seek to know Me, know that the seeking and yearning will avail you not, unless you know the Mystery: for if that which you seek, you find not within yourself, you will never find it without.

For behold, I have been with you from the beginning, and I am That which is attained at the end of desire.
~ Starhawk

I have been thinking quite a bit about the Charge of the Goddess recently. It's the closest to a Creed or profession of faith that can be found in modern Wicca. It is a luminous document that is filled with a great deal of depth and bespeaks of a mystery that lies beneath almost all religions: self-actualization and union with the Divine.

I have been stumbling again in my efforts to grow healthy and whole. It is hard for me to express deep and unconditional love for myself. My spell to bolster this hasn't borne any obvious and dramatic changes. It is, however, the way that spell craft works. It's not like some Hollywood glamor that goes off with a flash and suddenly transforms everything within it's reach. Instead, it is like changing the flow of a river by adding rocks. It is a slow process, but each stone added adjusts the flow ever so much until soon the whole river is moving along a new course.

I am working to become more accepting of all of my traits. It has been difficult work and at times it has been frightening. It requires changing what had been my (flawed) world view and (flawed) self image. I have been finding myself feeling proud of my accomplishments and making an effort to reach out to others (despite my debilitating social anxieties). I take this as a sign that the magic is working. I have been progressively becoming healthier in body and (hopefully) in mind. I am becoming more forgiving of myself and (slowly) less demanding.

One may ask how all of this relates to the Charge of the Goddess, especially the section I quoted above. There's a few different ways it ties back to this. First, we are taught that all acts of love and pleasure are Her rites. Love and pleasure are two separate things. It has been a tremendous act of self-love to strive to become healthier. It has taken a great deal of dedication and effort to reach where I am today, let alone progress farther down this path. Pleasure has made itself known in my life in small ways. Things like delighting in the fresh herbs I've been growing and the ripe berries on the wild black berry bushes in the back yard, or the sound of my children's laughter, these have been my sources of pleasure. While I'd be delighted to have a larger share of pleasure in my life, I will continue to engage in the acts of love as my daily prayers.

I have been seeking to know the Goddess within me. It has been a difficult task. I have been sifting through a lifetime of paralyzing self-doubt, criticism, and fear to find the glimmers of that which is really who I am. All women are a face of the Goddess just as all men are a face of the God. Even people who drive me to fits of frustration are faces of the unknowable Divine. It is my effort to know the face of the Goddess as reflected in my mirror every morning that will lead me to enlightenment and wisdom, along with health in mind, body, and soul.

Lastly, I have been striving very hard to embody the love that the Goddess and God have for all that is (for it is all a face of their Beloved). It is challenging to remember that love does not mean being a doormat and that sometimes it demands that we confront others regarding their behavior. It is especially challenging to remember that last bit. Still, I continue to make my efforts to be assertive and express my needs just as I would expect any other adult of sound mind to do in their relationships with their Beloved.

In it all, I remember that I am always within the 'magic circle of protection'. Unlike Ceremonialists, I don't need a symbol sketched out upon the ground to remind me of the sanctity of where I walk. My circle is the cycle of the day, the arms of my lover, the love of my family, the great horizon, the sphere of the Moon and Sun, and so much more that simply can not be expressed in mere words. I live within a blessed sphere and in the hands of the Gods. Somedays it is hard for me to remember that and then there are nights like tonight, where I see the Moon and feel blessings pouring out upon me in her silvery rays.

The Goddess is Love

2011-07-02T19:46:00.002-04:00

We are one with the Lady, we are one with the Lord;
We are one with the Lady, we are one with the Lord;
And we know that earth's balance will one day be restored,
And they'll know we are witches by our love, by our love,
And they'll know we are witches by our love.

We will walk with each other, we will walk hand in hand,
We will walk with each other, we will walk hand in hand,
And together we'll spread the news the Goddess is in our land,
And they'll know we are witches by our love, by our love,
And they'll know we are witches by our love.

All praise to the Lady from whom all things come,
And all praise to the Horned Lord who makes us one,
And all praise to the people for joy and creation,
And they'll know we are witches by our love, by our love,
And they'll know we are witches by our love.
~ Anon. (adapted from They Know We Are Christians)

This little chant has been rattling in my mind for a few days now. It has been a gentle refrain as I struggle with my own challenges and individual problems. I find myself struggling with major self-image and self-worth issues. As Beloved pointed out to me, my problems are no less legitimate then his. He calmly and quite completely explained that my psychological difficulties are as in need of treatment as a physical one. Then he reminded me that I was worthy of healing, being loved, and of being successful. It brought me to tears.

This morning, as I lit my spell candle, it again struck me that the Goddess is love. She is more then that romantic rosy feeling that throws us topsy-turvy. She is the deep, abiding and compassionate love that is unconditional and sustaining. She is loving with out regard for how worthy a person feels they are or the opinions that others have of them. Unconditional love simply loves a person because they are there to be loved.

I've been struggling with cultivating that type of love for myself. And the faint refrain "we are love, love, love." just keeps echoing. I started this spell a little over a week ago. It is simply focused upon cultivating the love that I need in my life to be genuine to who and what I am. I now wear about my wrist a band with a charm in the shape of one of the ancient votive offerings to the Earth Goddess with the addition of a tiny heart.

I keep repeating my prayer that I started out with at the beginning of this whole process almost four years ago: Let me be healthy in body, mind, and soul. Taking the time to align myself with the Goddess in her face as Love, I think ... I think it will heal me as much as my vigorous efforts with exercise and diet have dramatically increased my physical health.

Contemplations and a compilation

2011-06-18T21:36:00.004-04:00

Waning Strawberry Moon (18 days old)
Moon Sign: Aquarius
Weather: Mildly humid, seasonably warm, fair skies with light haze
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

I have been busy with my garden and my children recently. The strawberry plants are getting berries on them. My oregano is growing like crazy and the new pot of thyme that my MiL got me is doing so too. I keep checking on my tomatoes and my pepper plant. I get nervous that they're going to be attacked by aphids or something. Every day, just about, I have been out among my plants. If I'm not watering them, then I'm pulling weeds or just checking them over to make sure they're in good health.

They're like another set of children, to be honest. Speaking of children, my boys are growing as fast as the plants. My eldest is in preschool and they asked me if there were any special family traditions or religious observances I wanted them to keep in mind. I was thrown for an absolute loop when they asked me that. I honestly don't know how to answer that question. A part of me says that it would be wrong to bring up our religion even as another part of me says this is a perfect opportunity to educate the general public about witchcraft.

To say the least, I've been giving it a lot of thought and prayer. I may even do some divination on this matter and talk to a few other witches. At the moment, I think I would have really loved to have Stargazer's and Rose's thoughts on this topic. They, however, are not about me at the moment but elsewhere on the Otherside. You can't exactly pick up the phone and leave a voice mail for the dead to call you back. It generally doesn't seem to work like that. They come and go as they do and on their own sense of time.

And then there is the other things I have been busy with. I've been writing articles about various facets of Wicca for the novice witch. My goal is to take the knowledge that I've learned and put it out in easily understood bites this way the young witches and seekers out there have at least one good source of information. Below is what I have done so far.

Wicca 101
Ancient Myths & Modern Man

Spiritual Self-Defense & Protection

Wicca 201
Divination

As I write more articles, I'll post links to them on here.

Musings on Spinning

2011-06-11T21:21:00.003-04:00

Moon Phase: Waxing Gibbous (10 days old)
Moon Sign: Scorpio
Weather: Partially cloudy, seasonably warm & cool front just passed in the last few hours
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

As I have gotten more involved with the ancient craft of spinning, I have been attempting to find out old legends, stories, and wisdom regarding it. This has proven frustratingly elusive. I suspect that this class of legends have passed out of the folk memory with the exception of a few that were written down (like the Fates spinning out a man's life as a thread or Frigga spinning the clouds). I believe that with the advent of modern machine oriented textile production, the old stories were lost. And that is something that makes me sad.

The more I use my spindle and distaff, the more I feel a connection to my female ancestors. The more I find I feel a connection with the Goddess. I have been spinning a lot lately. The fiber I have been using isn't long enough to merit using my distaff, but one of my small collection of distaffs has a prized place upon my altar. It is in part a tool of my age old domestic craft and in part a sacred object. (I'm very much a kitchen witch in that respect.) My spindles are either busily in use or waiting for use. They're not still long enough to gather dust.

And I feel that work is sacred. Not what people uphold as the dreaded four letter connotation - that soul crushing, mind numbing thing which has all the feel of slavery in it's grip upon mankind is most definitely not what I view as sacred. Indeed, that I believe could be argued as profanity. No, work is the life sustaining tasks we engage in. The things we do out of love and necessity for the sake of ourselves, our families, and that which we believe in. The man who has a job he feels proud of and feels that he is contributing to his life and the lives of others... that man is engaged in the holy form of work. The one who is just dragging himself through the day for a paycheck, he is suffering a perversion of that first form of work.

I suppose all of that makes one question where my 'hobby' of spinning fits into this. I have several reasons why I spin. First, I spin because I enjoy it and it soothes me. As a person who suffers with anxiety on a daily basis, it is vital that I have something that helps me keep my mind at ease. With out it, I can scarcely function, let alone be a good mother and wife. Secondly, I spin because I feel a sacred connection to my ancestors and the Goddess. To engage in a task so intimately connected with the lives of those who founded my line and so sacred that the Goddess herself engaged in it... it is an act of worship and meditation to do so. Thirdly, I spin because I then can make useful and helpful things from my efforts. I can take raw fiber and eventually have hats and scarves for my husband and children.

Sure, I suppose I could go and buy all of my yarn at the local WalMart. There's lots of lovely colors and synthetic yarn is a lot easier to care for. At the same time, however, I can't shake the feeling that it is ecologically more responsible for me to spin. I am not depending upon the labor of some person who is being exploited to run a dangerous piece of equipment in a fiber mill in some third-world country. I'm not adding to the coffers of businesses that poison the earth with their chemical byproducts in producing the raw material for those synthetic fibers used in those mills.

Oh, I still will get some of that synthetic yarn, but I am gradually moving away from my dependency upon it. I am doing my best to start using more recycled yarn. I am beginning to comb the second hand shops for sweaters and similar items to frog and fashion into new things. I have been collecting bits and pieces of yarn that are left overs from other projects I have done to use in things like scarves and baby blankets. The more I do along these thrifty lines, the more I feel better about what I am doing. And still I spin.

When I am happy, I spin. When I am sad or fearful, I spin. When I am inspired, I spin. When I am devoid of even a remote flash of inspiration, I spin. With each turn of the spindle, each twist of the fiber, and each moment of time I am spinning, I pray. I wonder if my prayers are the same as my ancestresses.

I pray for peace of mind. I pray for the health and well being of my loved ones. I pray for justice for the wronged. I pray for health for the world and for all people of the world to know at least one good night's sleep. I pray for blessings to be infused into my work to bring well being to the person who eventually receives or wears what I make. I pray that those who bring evil into the world are opposed and eventually put to rights.

I also secretly pray for more fiber to spin, at times. I pray that my spindles won't break. I pray that I will continue to improve in my efforts to learn this craft. I pray that I actually master the knitting techniques I have been stumbling and struggling with. I pray that the materials I am using will prove strong enough to be used for any future project, be it weaving, knitting, crochet, or some other textile art form.

It's a whole lot for a twirling stick with some fiber wrapped around it. Perhaps, just perhaps, I will get glimmers of what my ancestresses thought of and did as they spun. I know one thing, I am going to continue to pray and spin for a long time.

A thought on Prophecy

2011-06-06T21:15:00.002-04:00

Moon Phase: Waxing Strawberry Moon (5 days old)
Moon Sign: Leo
Weather: Fair skies, warm
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I was emailing a dear friend of mine when I briefly touched upon the subject of the Sight. The Sight, also known as Second Sight, is precognitive visionary experiences. Everyone experiences it at some point in their life, even if they pass it off as deja vu. Some of us are afflicted with it much more frequently. It... It doesn't work like how some people would like it to. We can't predict winning lotto numbers or sport's scores. If we happen to See something pertaining to economic things, it's usually a very general thing because of how big the world's economy is. So, psychics can't really make a proverbial killing on the floors of the Stock Exchange either.

Sometimes, we see things about weather. Sometimes we see things about family events, be it a crisis or a happy occasion. Rarely do we See something pertaining to ourselves. Second Sight is really more of a burden at times then it is the stereotypical 'blessing' that it would popularly be assumed to be. Some of us live our lives in fear of being declared insane, so we keep our revelations to ourselves unless it is utterly necessary to express them. And when we do communicate what has been mystically revealed to us, it is usually to a small group of people, people we trust intimately.

Prophecy... Prophecy is different from the Sight. It is more then the flash of intuition or the brief vision. Prophecy is direct communication from the divine. It can be sublime and wonderful or it can be terrifying. Either way, no one comes away from the experience unchanged.

For me... For me prophecy is more frequently a frightening experience. As I described it earlier tonight, it is as though I am caught in a violent storm and threatened to be swept away by the wind and rising mystical tied. I feel my mouth fill with words. It is as though something heavy is on my tongue and yet... There are times where music seems to just burst from within me, though I don't know where it comes from. The times where I feel music bursting... those are blessed moments where I know that the prophecy is a happy thing. In either case, I tremble and feel as though my blood is afire.

I don't talk about when these things happen to me. I learned very early on that to do so was dangerous. People took these kinds of things very badly. So, I kept it secret for a very long time. It, however, is beginning to happen more frequently again. While I don't like the feeling that I'm going to be swept away, I know that prophecy never comes from a place of evil. It humbles me. It teaches me. And ... I suppose I am blessed by the experience.

I just fear how my fellow man will take the things that the Gods whisper into my soul.

Falling into old patterns

2011-06-05T22:59:00.003-04:00

Waxing Strawberry Moon
Phase: Waxing (4 days old) Sign: Cancer
Weather: Clear skies, warm but seasonably so

It's been a busy last few weeks. This is the second weekend that I have gotten plants and did gardening. The flowerbed has yellow and orange flower seeds planted (marigold and nasturtium). I also have an orange-pink geranium (which seems to be doing quite well) and a orange snapdragon (which doesn't look too good right now). The neighbor downstairs gave me bulbs for orange tulips and blue hyacinth. I think I'll be digging up and replanting the paper-whites daffodils that never came up. I found that I missed some when I was working on transplanting them last year.

I'm going to try putting them into a deep pot and giving them some fertilizer. With luck, I'll get some healthy plants out of them. Right now, the poor things are so bedraggled and frail that you'd think they were just this side of dead. My Mother-in-law suggested that the problem is that they weren't buried deep enough last year (the ones in the flowerbed) and agrees that with the others it is a lack of sun. To say the least, I will be fetching another pot for these little dears and casting health related spells for them.

In the midst of my gardening, I repotted my wilted looking ivy. You could just about see the little thing perk up as I watered it. I also took my red miniature rose and repotted it too. I split the entangled roots apart, placed each plant into a pot, and watered them heartily. Over the next few days, I expect that they'll flourish. Goddess willing, these plants will do so. One of the three remains on my altar. Just over the last few hours, it has appeared to grown stronger and healthier. I think that the repotting was just what was needed.

I now have several herbs growing in pots along the wall beside the flowerbed. I have a pot of thyme which I honestly don't know if it's going to recover well or not. It was looking pretty close to dead when I got it. I have two pots of chives (gifted to me from my MiL and repotted because they didn't seem to be doing well in the big pot they were all in). I gave away a third pot of chives to my neighbor downstairs. He was quite delighted to get it and immediately started talking about how he had missed using fresh herbs in his cooking. I have a pot of basil that is doing much better then when I had initially gotten it. The basil looked as poorly as the thyme is when I got it last week. It gives me hope for the thyme.

In addition to these, I have a sweet green bell pepper plant in a generously sized pot. I have little tiny blooms on it. This makes me quite happy. I also have three strawberry plants. Two in one pot and one in the other. They are starting to get blossoms on them. I'm trying to decide if I should pollinate them with a paintbrush or if I want to wait and see if the bees will come by to do it for me. I have two pots of marigold growing on the back deck (where the strawberries are) and a pot with several ivy cuttings in it. I also have the cuttings from MiL's southern-wood and fuchsia back there in a pot.

I am flirting with the thought of repotting my houseplants. The African violet is looking unwell. It is a tough call as to if it is getting too much light or if it's rootbound. I need to do a little more research on that. I also have noticed that one of my snakeplants is looking a little worse for wear as well. I believe that some of this is because the pot is too small and some of it is because there's too many plants in that pot. I may do this bit of 'indoor gardening' later this week.

So, my title of this may seem odd when you view my ramblings about plants and such. I need to put it in to a little context here. First off, I have fallen back into the habit of doing things according to moon-phase again. I weeded and aerated the flowerbed during the waning moon. This was to cast out the unwanted influences on the planting that was going to happen. I've been doing my plantings with the new and waxing moon, to draw in the increasing healthful energies. Thus magically tying my plantings to the waxing moon and sun's energies.

My choice of herbs is a combination of culinary and magical. I won't go on about the uses of them. There's enough herbals out there to describe them. The use of the colors yellow, orange, and red in my choices of flowers (even the hanging basket- it has yellow pansies) is to bring vitality and life into my home and to bless us all with well being. I want to get a set of wind chimes to hang off the shepherd's crook to evoke the blessings of the Gods with each ring. I also want to place into the flowerbed subtle images that call to mind the Gods that I hold devotion for.

Many people have churches they go to. I have my flowerbed to use as my focus for prayer, meditation, and spiritual expression. I'm not ready to take on the shade bed yet. I may do so in a few weeks. Perhaps I'll be blessed enough to locate some hostas and similar plants within my budget or given to me as gifts. I'm not finished yet with my plants, but it feels good to work with them again. I haven't really done this much since when I was living down in Wellsville.

Blog Reboot Coming Soon!

2011-03-13T14:49:00.000-04:00

Changes coming soon!

Stitches and witches, sew what?

2010-04-18T21:44:00.002-04:00

Moon Phase: Waxing Blossom Moon (4 day old)
Moon Sign: Gemini
Weather: Seasonably mild, clear skies and light breezes from the west. Venus is quite brilliant.

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My silly attempts at punning aside, I have spent my time since my last post here engaged in a great deal of spinning, sewing, embroidery, knitting, and crochet. This is not idle behavior but rather closely tied to my efforts to regain my psychological and spiritual health. It may sound a little silly, but I am in effect adopting some of the idea of the Prayer Shawl Ministry into one of my projects.

J & J are two very dear friends of mine who have fallen onto hard times. The husband of this sweet couple (who are like family to my husband and I, the proverbial 'brother from another mother' kind of deal here) has had the misfortune to be in prison because of an unjust law and will remain there until 2013, unless the Gods are kind and some act has him released into his wife's loving arms and liberty before then, healthy and hale. As they struggle to achieve some level of normalcy in this situation and do their best to retain their dignity in what is a truly degrading and dehumanizing situation (an innocent man sent to prison is just terrible for all involved), I was at a loss for what to do to bring a measure of help and comfort to the wife of this couple. They had told us various things we could do, but it really felt paltry in the face of the enormity of this tragedy.

Then I remembered reading about the Prayer Shawl Ministry as I was looking up shawl patterns to make for myself. Instead of a shawl, however, I am making a blanket which they both can share. As I work on this blanket, it is not simply that the blanket itself is going to be stitched with love, compassion, and good wishes for them. For this blanket is being made from hand-spun yarn from myself and those who spin and are willing to donate. The yarn I have made, it is special because into the yarn itself is spun my intentions to express the love, support, and good wishes of my family for these two very dear people in our lives. It may be simplistic but sometimes, it is the simplest forms of magic that work the best.

My newest embroidery project is a sampler done in colors inspired by myself with stitches chosen as they occur to me. It is something of a self-portrait in fabric. It is not a very large sampler, but I am intending to do another and another as I progress forward in my counseling. While my painting has reflected the pain and sorrow of the past, my embroidery has shown the radiant core of joy, peace, and love that has always been within me, undaunted by the afflictions that I have experienced. I haven't yet decided on the motto I'm going to stitch on to this. I am debating between Love Conquers All (in Latin or English, I'm not fully committed yet) or All acts of Love and Pleasure. I am planning on making this little sampler into either a pillow or a rose scented sachet. Either way, it is going to be one of the first things I see in the morning and one of the last I see at night. A daily reminder of my strength and the various other wonderful qualities I have within me. My intent is for this to be a love-gift to myself, for Beloved has very wisely pointed out that I haven't done enough kind things like this for myself.

Similar to the crochet blanket I mentioned earlier, I am going to be piecing and sewing a pair of quilts. It was initially going to be three quilts, but the plans for that fizzled out fairly quickly. One quilt is going to be of a modest size and I plan for it to be finished by Yule, at the latest. It is for my brother's soon-to-be ex-wife. Just as the crochet blanket I am making for J & J is going to embody the love and care that I and my family hold for them, this will do so for a woman who has become my sister in name and deed. It may no longer be in name, but she will always be a sister to me and I shall always treasure her presence in my life. This will be a sampler quilt of a very traditional design, there by I hope to not only carry forward my own bit of skills but also the heritage of my family that my brother's disgraceful behavior failed to convey to his wife and children.

The second quilt is going to be large enough for a king-sized bed and it will be what is known by some as a 'double top' or a 'double patchwork' quilt. This is specifically for our dear friend who is in prison right now. One block is going to be made for each month of his sentence. The last six months of his term are going to be for piecing together the blocks, quilting, and finishing this. It will be made with my thoughts and prayers for him. Happy memories, hopes, and everything else that comes to mind as I meditate upon him while I sew is going to be part of this. If I can, I am going to try to get Beloved to do some stitches into this also.

This is what I am working on. By doing this, I not only have tangible evidence in my hands of how I can help others, my love for them, the relationships I am in, and of who I am, I also help to sow peace and love where there is fear and anxiety. Even only a small measure of that helps the world at large.

Spring is the season of growth, if the Gods smile on me, perhaps these seeds will grow and run rampant, crowding out the depression and other things that have served to oppress me and many others. For we are all most severely in need of it.

A season of preparation

2010-02-18T08:37:00.003-05:00

There are several people I know who are not Catholic and they are practicing the annual observation of Lent with abstaining from something for the period of time between Ash Wednesday and Easter. If you read some of the history surrounding Lent it becomes clear that the practice of fasting for 40 days is a point of much contention or if fasting was practiced at all by early Christians. With all of this historical uncertainty surrounding the practice, it leaves the question of why this season of fasting has persisted even into modern Catholicism.

Some of it could be light-heartedly ascribed to the same mentality that gives us the lightbulb joke that one of my Catholic friends told me:

Q: How many Catholics does it take to change a light-bulb?
A: Change! Catholics never change!

This, however, fails to recognize the value of this practice. Before I discuss this, however, I should point out two things about this practice. First, the word Lent comes from the Teutonic peoples who lived in central and eastern Europe. Originally, it simply meant early spring time. In early spring time, we find a practical reason for the fasting of Lent when we look back at the people it comes from. At this point, the weather is still cold and foreboding. The food stores gathered the year before are heavily depleted and the game which had been more plentiful earlier are now more scarce due to a combination of attrition related to the cold weather and relating to hunting. Here, fasting serves to conserve valuable food resources until the warmer weather of spring arrives to make food resources more plentiful.

Secondly, the role of fasting within any religion is fairly apparent. It serves a dual purpose. The first is to purify the body and the second is to induce a state of trance. It is a component in various religious rites all around the world from times in deep antiquity to today's melange of contemporary belief systems. In the structuralized setting of Lent, it serves not only to purify the body but also to guide the one engaged in the practice to a deeper understanding of their beliefs, often in a quasi-mystic sense. This, however, is frequently an unspoken thing in modern Catholicism due to various political factors that I am not going to discuss here.

Voluntarily surrendering something for the sake of focusing upon another is nothing new. In many ways, it can be a routine part of our day (like the diet to lose x number of pounds by summer). When a specific goal is held in mind, letting go of various things becomes easier. The practice of Lent serves to focus the Catholic upon their faith and what it means to be a member of the body of Christ. It is the same as the purpose of Ramadan in Islam, to help the practitioner of their faith to refocus upon their beliefs and what their role in the religion is.

Lent and Ramadan are both seasons of preparation. (Advent is supposed to be one as well but modern society has reduced it down to the annual shopping orgy that it's all but forgotten in a spiritual context.) Within the belief system of modern Witchcraft, there is no season of preparation. There is no season of preparation because we live suffused into the world with out a specific thing to prepare ourselves for, such as the return of a savior. This, however, does not mean that we should neglect our need to refocus ourselves and meditate upon our beliefs.

Farmers and gardeners use the early spring to prepare for planting. We witches would do well to follow that example. There are things that we all shall work towards over the coming seasons of growth. Let us take the time to plan for them and meditate upon how we wish to see ourselves spiritually develop and blossom over the coming year and what we wish to harvest as our accomplishments come Mabon. It will soon be time to begin planting, the Equinox always comes quickly.

Imboleg 2010: preparation

2010-01-24T22:25:00.002-05:00

Moon: Waxing Ice Moon, sign of Taurus
Weather: Unseasonably warm, overcast, light rain and humid
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I think this year I am going to actually hold a small ritual for Imboleg and invite some folks from the coven that Rose was head of. I also think I am going to invite my sister-in-law and my aunt. I know it is this weekend, but I also know that the ritual does not need to be precisely on that day. I'm actually leaning towards the prospect of combining the ritual with a full moon observance. Saving the private observance of Imboleg for myself at home.

This year is going to be a year of changes. I can feel it coming. I think that we all need to get ready for the coming year and that the changes are going to be big enough that we need to sweep away the remnants of the past year. I am going to be a bit of a sassy thing and bring a little bit of the paganism with me to the game I'm attending this upcoming weekend. Actually, the more I think about it, the more I think it really wouldn't be fair to everyone. So, I believe I'll just let it remain separate.

For the ritual, if I can manage it, I want to do a candle blessing and purification ritual. I don't know if this thaw is going to hold. If it does, however, I believe that I want to take the opportunity to burn slips of paper with the things we're purifying ourselves of. I also believe that I want to burn slips of paper with prayers for the new coming spring. I'm fairly sure that it will be a straight forward and simple thing. Some of the best magic, however, is the simplest.

Because Imboleg is deep winter's end, I want to reflect this. The last of my winter altar images are going to get put away. I believe that the altar 'furniture' is going to be rearranged somewhat as well, with a new altar cloth laid down. I think I'm going to replace the rose quartz sphere with the marble egg. I also believe that I'm going to replace the raw rose quartz piece sitting there with a clear quartz point. The stalks of wheat that are in the vase sitting on the altar in a position of honor are going to be replaced with a small pot of soil. I'm not fully decided on this. I may just let it stay until it...

Actually, I just figured out what I should do. I should take one of my small bowls that I use for offerings and put seeds in it. I'm going to need to think about what kind of seeds, but it'll make sense soon enough. The colors pink are frequently associated with this Sabbat because it's so close to Valentine's day. I don't know if I want to do that, though. I'm thinking something closer to a spring green. And I'm also thinking that it'd be more fitting to have a small pot of flowers rather then the seeds on the altar.

I don't know what'll be best. I suppose I am rambling, but I do know that enough time has passed that we really should do something. Rose would be heartbroken to see how the circle has fallen apart with out her.

Candle Magic for Healing

2010-01-24T21:54:00.003-05:00

Moon: Waxing Ice Moon, sign of Taurus
Weather: Unseasonably warm, overcast, light rain and humid
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The link I have above is to a website that has done a fair amount of homework on this subject. They do a pretty good job of representing the 'standard' understanding of color associations for candle magic. I'm not going to write down the spell I used here because I have yet to write it into my Book of Shadows. Furthermore, it is more effective to make your own spell then to use one from someone else.

All of that said, I have a blue candle burning on my altar right now. It is infused with the oils of rose and chamomile. While the packaging for this candle says it is for positive energy, I'm not using it for that. The nice thing about candles in magic is that the people who sell them can suggest what you use them for but you ultimately decide how you use them. I could discuss that and ramble along on that topic for a while but that's not the objective with my post here.

I wanted to talk about healing magic and candle magic. Candle magic is something that works fairly quickly, in my opinion. If I wanted to do magic that manifest within a week or a few days, I get a candle that burns quickly and use it for this purpose. Candles that take longer to burn can equate to a longer time period until manifestation. That is, however, if you are keying your spell to the consumption of the candle. It is possible to focus the spell's manifestation on different elements of the use of the candle.

I have a big fat pillar candle on my altar. It is one that I burn when ever I am praying or meditating. It serves as a visual focus for me and as a representation of my offering to the Gods. Other candles have different purposes and my use of them reflects it. They all have the same basic function, which is to be a physical tie to what I am working to accomplish and a psychological key to help me enter the correct mindset to engage in the task I have. I like candle magic because even the act of lighting the candle helps to settle and focus me. It is a ritual all by itself.

Healing magic... Oh how much of a mixed blessing that is. On one hand, we like to think that healing magic makes us feel wonderful and somehow removes all ailments. It doesn't do that, however. Properly constructed healing magic works to help the subject reach the state that will be maximum health for them at that time. It doesn't specify that they are what is commonly understood as healthy. I've done healing magic that brought that result. I've also done healing magic that brought death. It was not my intent to bring death, but death was the healthiest state for the person to be in, for it released them from the great suffering that they were in.

Healing magic, like love magic, is a double edged sword. My blue candle is focused upon my psychological healing. Since I have put it on my altar and started burning it, it hasn't alleviated my flashbacks, night terrors, or the trembling fear that stalks my heart often these days. Instead, it has been forcing me to confront them by placing situations and events into play that serve either as a mirror or draws these buried things up into the light of my conscious mind. It is not comfortable, gentle, or anything even remotely resembling pleasant.

It is as difficult to heal as it is to be wounded. In many ways, I believe it is harder. I think this healing magic that I am working on is like calling in another pair of hands to assist me in forcing the infection out of a wound that had scabbed over. That other pair of hands won't shrink from something because it causes me discomfort. It is very, very hard to accept that magic works like this but when you do accept it, you become far more successful.

Right now, however, I look forward to when the pain eases back to more tolerable levels. I don't believe I'm going to cast anything to make this healing progress faster because these kinds of things, if they go quickly, seem to turn very, very ugly in the midst of moving rapidly before hitting that desired result.

St. Distaff Day?

2010-01-11T21:50:00.003-05:00

Waning Snow Moon, Sagittarius
Cold but seasonal, light area wide snowfall, winds from the north-west
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In Medieval Europe, the day after the Feast of Epiphany was known as St. Distaff day. This was the day when women resumed household work and the holiday season ended. It was a day when pranks were played and men and women embraced the new year. I am not Christian by any stretch of the imagination but there's something to be noted about having a day where work of the home is celebrated.

On my little altar in the living room here, I have a little braided wrist distaff and my spinning materials are all about. I've been ill and much of the household orientation has been upended as a result. Instead of it being done by intention, it was by necessity that my husband took on the role of Mr. Mom for the last few weeks. To say the least, the children were a bit taken aback by the change in routine. In medieval households, such changes were light hearted and done with a sense of exuberance to brighten up the dull days of deep winter.

It was good to have the experience, I think both my husband and I learned a lot from it. I learned that I needed to step back and let him handle things when I can't do them. It's not easy to do that. He learned what I did everyday and the challenges and joys of it. I don't think he's laughed quite as much as he did last week at the antics of the boys in a long time at work. I may intentionally incorporate something like this into the observances of the year, this way we have reminders like this when we need them.

I'm also fairly certain that the little boys will make fine Lords of Misrule. They've got a good start on it as it is right now.

Blessed Yule.

2009-12-21T09:00:00.002-05:00

Moon: Waxing, in the sign of Aquarius
Weather: Cold, scattered lake effect snow
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It is fitting that today, of all days, I was awakened by a child's cry. The Sun has been reborn, the longest night has passed, and warmth shall return to the world. I wanted to keep vigil last night until sunrise but I wasn't going to unless it happened to coincide with my taking care of a pair of sick boys. Instead, I woke at random times during the night. After my initial irritation with the rude awakening, I meditated upon the births of my children.

Both were difficult for their own reasons. The birth of my first child was difficult because he was in the wrong position, labor failed to progress, and I had pre-eclampsia. The birth of my second child was difficult because it was emotionally very difficult for me. Labor was very upsetting for me. Even though I was with out the relief of anesthesia for only a few hours prior to the cesarean section delivery and the pain wasn't as sharp as my appendicitis, it was very difficult to bear because of my anxiety and it felt far worse due to it.

As I thought about this and about the other metaphorical labor that I have been engaged in (the rebirth of myself), I found myself wondering why the myths surrounding any Goddess giving birth tend to gloss over the struggle. The myths and legends describing the exploits of Gods frequently describe in explicit detail the struggles endured by the Divine of the male presentation. Why do they so rarely detail so fully the struggles of the Divine in the female presentation?

Is it perhaps because women are taught to remain silent of their struggles where men are taught to speak of them? Is it because there is some patriarchal scheme to repress women and to do so by hiding the strength of Goddesses in the mythos of our ancestors? Is it because the matriarchal schemes deemed these points too sacred to discuss out loud? Is it because these challenges are far too personal and intimate to be conveyed in words?

I don't think any of the above really can serve as an answer to my question. I do think, however, that it is possible to change the lessons taught and bring the message of the strength in women out to the world as powerfully as the message of the strength in men is presented. I think that it is possible to honor the strength of Goddesses just as completely as the strength of Gods is honored. I also think that the fragility of Gods, as well as, the traditionally feminine traits of submissiveness, receptiveness, and nurturing can be presented in a fashion that does not diminish the masculinity of them.

Strength does not make a woman into a man any more then her wearing pants does. Gender roles are something that we accept and choose according to how we wish to identify ourselves and present ourselves to the world. The flesh we are clothed in can give us a powerful push to be masculine or feminine. It does not, however, determine if we are this or that because even in humanity there is a place for gender neutral. People are born female in apperance but are genetically male, as are people born with both sex characteristics (organs even). Physiology does not determine masculinity or femininity, it only suggests it just as society does.

I'm not sure how this rambling diatribe relates to what I was planning to post earlier. I do find myself thinking of Loki's time as a mare. I question how uncomfortable that experience could have been. To have gone from being male and a humanoid to female and a horse is enough of a shock. To have additonally been pregnant and have birthed offspring... I suspect that even the Wolf's Father had a bit of a challenge wrapping his mind about that.

Oiy vey! A YEAR?

2009-12-15T12:28:00.001-05:00

Good Gods! I'll be posting more regularly in here soon. I just have to get a few more things squared away in my life at the moment. Yule is going to be rather busy this year. Take a look at my other blog to see what's been going on. :)

Submission to deity

2008-12-22T21:13:00.002-05:00

Moon Phase: Waning Snow Moon
Sign: Scorpio
Weather: Cold, recovering from a pair of snow storms; strong winds, with sub-zero wind chill
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This was a bit of a discussion question on a pagan forum that I've decided to poke my head in at from time to time again. I've thought about it and I decided that I should cross post my reply to here, because I believe it is relevant and interesting to anyone who may be reading this blog.

~~~~~~~
Hmm... Submission. It's such an interesting word. It can be used in so many different ways and contexts, even with respect to deities. I suppose I should address this in as complete of a way as I can, because I may manage to bungle what I'm trying to express if I leave something out. Please bear with me as I put my thoughts to paper (electrons??), because this is being written as the thoughts occur to me.

Submission is something that can not happen with out one choosing that position, in my opinion. When one is forced into a position that could be described as submissive, one is subjugated, which is an act of violence and one is then held in thralldom. Submission, on the other hand, one chooses it and can choose to leave the position as well. The distinction is made in the mind. Sure, a submissive may be in some form of bondage, but their bonds rest far lighter then those of a thrall because the submissive accepts their bonds. A thrall will resist them and when tired out from the active resistance will resent them, which is a passive resistance.

Now, putting this into the context of dealing with gods, it is my opinion that when ever one chooses to act as a vessel to convey a portion of the godhead into the world, one is submitting to the god in question. Each time a Wiccan High Priestess Draws Down the Moon or a Wiccan High Priest Draws Down the Sun, they are submitting to the associated gods. The same can be held true for any oracle who consents to serve as a mouthpiece for a deity.

I think that the popular opinion that when one subsumes their will in the face of divine will is an accurate description for submission to the divine, as well. I don't believe, however, that this is the entirety of it. When one is dealing with a person who is clearly under the influence of a deity to the extent that their personality is subsumed (I call that state god-ridden.) then choosing to place yourself into a position of subservience to the person who is god-ridden is also submission to a deity.

I believe that this last form of submission to a god is the most challenging because of the fact that it requires for the person who is engaged in submitting to the god-ridden person to have a high amount of knowledge about the person who is god-ridden and a high amount of knowledge of the deity in question. Also, it requires an enormous amount of trust.

While I am willing to engage in the first two forms as I feel appropriate, I have to say that I've only encountered a handful of occurrences that I am willing to engage in the third form of submission. I don't generally trust people enough not to fake being god-ridden for the sake of a quick power-trip. I've also encountered quite a few people who will do just that.

Now, all of this is coming from the perspective of someone who is a BDSM aficionado, preferring the Sub role most of the time.

Thoughts on Samhain

2008-11-08T09:26:00.002-05:00

Moon: Waxing Snow Moon
Sign: Pisces
Weather: Mild, changeable and cloudy, seasonably cool
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Samhain has come and gone. We just completed several days of unseasonably warm weather with temperatures ranging up into the lower 70s. My birthday was yesterday and I am now 30. Somehow, over the course of the last several days, I have also found myself facing some exceptionally difficult and painful things. It has not been easy.

I question if the matters of the heart which I have been struggling with are a rite of passage in their own respect. I've had dreams of the Horned One comforting me. I've also had a dream of myself. In it, I was an old woman with a small child on my knee. The little girl looked up at me and said, "Gran-ma-ma, what did you do when your Momma didn't love you?" In the dream, I answered, "I loved her anyways. And she loved be but she wasn't good at it."

It is something that brings my mind back to love and the Lady. I may be odd, but I've come to understand that the Lady's precepts and law is very simple and it is "Love." I think I finally understand that love does not mean blindness or submitting to abuse. As heartbreaking as it is to be hurt by another in their blindness, it is far worse to submit to such treatment needlessly.

In my mind, calling abuse love is among the worst forms of blasphemy that can be expressed. Now, I'm not generally one to throw about the word blasphemy or anything else like that given the religion I practice is not one that cleaves closely to the words of some elder, strict dogma, or any other element of organized religion, where that term is used fairly regularly. I suppose when you look at this it may not be technically blasphemy, but it's quite close. Perhaps anathema is correct instead.

Quibbling over terms aside, the Lady does not want us to be fools. Yes, we're called to love unconditionally, as that is what pure love is. Unconditional love, however, does not make us a slave to the one we love. Unconditional love does not excuse abuse or condone it.

Waxing Mourning Moon & Memories

2008-11-05T22:10:00.002-05:00

Moon: Waxing Mourning Moon
Sign: Aquarius
Weather: Unseasonably mild, high thin clouds
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

I don't know why I did it but I looked at her blog. A part of my heart broke as I looked and read. It was as though I could hear her voice again as it sounded in life, not that strange whisper of clairaudience that I hear now when she visits me. I looked at it and I wanted to cry.

I miss her so much. So many words left unsaid. So many things that I wanted to share with her but it just doesn't work well now that she is no longer here walking the green earth with me. Oh, I suppose I could tell her everything I wanted to say but I can't ever feel her arms around me, see her smile, or listen to her laugh with that husky, rich laugh that she has after she's drunk a bit too much coffee and snuck a cigarette or two.

They say that we have soul mates and kindred spirits. I believe she was one of mine. I believe that she was a long lost soul sister of mine whom I wish I had met long before she came into life a few years ago. I cherish the memory of her laugh and everything about her. I'm struggling to live with the courage that she thought I had. It's so hard when you realize that everything about a friend is gone except for the echo of their life.

That spark, that essence of them is not here anymore. It's across the veil. And as close as they can come to us, they can never fully reach us except with heroic effort and some cost to them. So, I sit here and I mourn. I struggle with tears that refuse to be shed and this lost, confused sense of hope. I know we will meet again in the green fields of the Otherworld. We'll laugh and talk of my son and our husbands. But right now, I just want to weep because I can't hear her voice.

And the pain of her bodily absence from my life deadens my ear and senses to her presence on the otherside. Though I'm sure she knows I am there and grieves for me even as I grieve for her, as she always seemed to know my pain even though we didn't know each other for very long on this earth.

A few thoughts and a dream of the Horned One

2008-10-25T14:44:00.002-04:00

Moon phase: Waning Blood Moon, approx. 2 days before New Snow Moon
Moon sign: Virgo
Weather: Seasonably cool, cloudy, and fair amount of rain

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

It's been a difficult, difficult several days.

Full moon came and went. I've been torn between illness and feeling so damn depressed that I can't clearly remember what I did that night. I know that I did something, but I can't recall what. This is what comes of my forgetting to update any blog, journal, or anything else in a timely manner, I suppose.

Samhain is coming fast. With it comes a great deal of very hard emotional work. It's ironic that the waning moon is in Virgo. I've been struggling so very much with matters of home, heritage, and family, as well as my femininity. With this waning moon, I can tell that things are being cleared away. Blockages are being removed and unhealthy bonds are getting severed. I've taken steps to remove myself from unhealthy situations and I have been progressing forward. Quite possibly at a rapid rate.

But if I'm making such successful headway, why do I hurt so very much?

I don't know what Samhain will bring. I do know, however, that all of this is going to come to a head and will reach the point of resolution. I'm welcoming that, because I'm tired of this pain that's always been lurking beneath my skin and deep within my soul.

I need to face the Dark Mother and the Horned One. I need to do it to free myself from the past, but I'm afraid to do so. Fear, however, has not stopped me from doing what I needed to in the past.

I've had this dream several times over the last few days. I was an infant or a small child, cradled in the arms of the Horned One. As he held me, I felt safe and unafraid. The scents of the deep forest were all around us and I only saw darkness, except for him. He was illuminated as a person would be under the full moon that's covered by shadow at one time or illuminated as a person would be only by star light with a new moon. In the dream, he simply held me and rocked me.

I think that his comfort is what I needed to get thru the last several days as the realizations had been getting ready to break thru. I know that there is something more waiting, but I'm not sure what. It'll be revealed soon, I think. I just wish I could hold that calm feeling of safety and being unafraid, being at peace, within my heart as I moved forward thru all of this. So much fear, pain, and confusion have been bubbling up when I haven't been stuck with the misery and fustration of being ill recently.

Waxing moon, waxing challenges.

2008-10-12T12:15:00.002-04:00

Moon phase: Gibbous waxing, one day before full
Moon sign: Pisces
Weather: Unseasonably warm, fair skies and mildly humid.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

As the moon has transitioned closer to full, I've found the challenges in my life has increased and more illumination has been shed on my weaknesses. As the month where Samhain falls is generally the month were much of the work one engages in over the year comes to completion, I recognize that this month is going to be quite challenging. I'm not exactly enjoying it, but I understand and accept it. It's easier when you accept the reality of the challenges before you then it is to try to run from them.

This said, I'm unsure what exactly I should do when it comes to engaging in magical work for this month. It's been a hard debate as to if I should actively engage in magic for my Aunt's bit of a problem. She has a love struck individual who is quite infatuated with her and her feelings for him are only friendship. It's made things somewhat uncomfortable and she's asked me to cast something to help him find someone who he will have his affections returned in the same fashion and be happy with.

Since the disasters that I've witnessed with respect to love magic, I generally try to avoid any of it. Most people are asking for one thing and wanting something entirely different. Only rarely does it work in the way that's what is desired and in those cases it is because desire and will are aligned to make it happen. I find it difficult to agree to do a spell for some one else on the matter of love because of the challenges that get additionally entangled if a third party is doing something on this front.

With every spell that one does, they will entangle themselves into it as well. I've observed over the years that, for example, if you bind someone against certain behaviors, you in turn bind yourself against them. It is a sympathetic restriction that serves to help reinforce the focus. Most people don't realize this reciprocal element of magic. It makes the question of what to cast and how to cast it become more important to any given Witch.

It also makes the question of what you're ethics say about your spell work a much larger one. I'm currently wrestling with that one right now. As I've been thinking about it, I'm tending towards casting one specific thing. Something to bring them each a healthy, loving relationship, that will support them in completing the things that they must engage in on their respective Life Paths. It would be something that can resolve the discomfort of both individuals and promotes their well-being. It also is something that I'm willing to do because it serves to reinforce what I've been working on here for myself.

Then there is the other matter that I'm struggling with. I'll write about that in a little bit, as I've a few household things to attend to. I suspect, however, there is going to be quite a few comments and thoughts murmured about in response to this next post.

Just some rambling.

2008-10-01T22:07:00.002-04:00

I'm going to probably wander around thru a few different things. If it's difficult to follow, don't worry about it. I'm having a hard time keeping it all straight in my head right now too. I think it's part of the reason why I've been feeling alternately anxious and on edge of late. The first thing that comes to mind is I don't know how to do what my spirit is pushing me to do.

Nothing's worse then feeling called to take actions that can directly place yourself or those around you in difficult positions. It's one thing if I had just myself to be concerned with. But I've got a husband and a son who could be affected by the social backlash. I mean, I'm openly practicing witchcraft and the rumor mill has started flying on this. It makes it fairly clear that if I start engaging in more service to the community oriented activity, I really shouldn't mention my spirituality or faith. After all, people around this little podunk town aren't really going to understand, appreciate, or even accept it.

Nope, it'll be more of the 'Didn't you know? She's a devil worshipper and she probably molests that little boy of hers!' kind of bullshit. It doesn't exactly make me have warm fuzzies at the thought of going out and helping the community at large, publishing anything on a large scale, or doing any thing along the lines of public education about this misunderstood belief system. I mean, how can I put my husband in that position of potential risk? Sure, his boss is a nice guy but small town politics could end up in such a fashion where the man gets flack from the busy bodies, who just happen to have a stranglehold on the local political scene and it could end up in my husband losing his job all because I started to make some waves by doing the right thing. It'd be one thing if I was Christian or one of the more accepted alternative faiths.

I think that's been my big hinderance right now. I'm used to people giving me shit. It's just something that I kinda had to deal with for years. But... Now, I've got my boy who can either become a target or a victim of the kind of bullshit that resulted in things like my property getting vandalized and my best friend harassed. Shit like that is horribly wrong and too many people turn a blind eye to it. No matter how good and decent people like to say small town America is, there's is always the old boy's network dark-side of those little towns and the misfits are the ones who get shit from 'em for simply being there. But I can't push this stuff aside much longer. It's crushing my spirit and making me get progressively more upset and anxious.

Then I've got this other thing that just keeps running around in my head over the last week or so. The person who this is directed at knows who they are so I'm not going to mention names. This is driving me nuts! It's obvious she's in love with you and I think she's too blind to see that love is reciprocated. I think that the thing stopping her is the deep fear that comitting to expressing that love directly is going to kill the friendship and possibly drive you away from her. Please, please don't make the mistake that I almost did. Don't let the opportunity infront of you slip away because you're too worried that she's going to be scared off by what you feel for her.

She loves you for who you are, she always has! Gods only know how rare that is in this life. Grab a hold of that love and hold on to it for everything you can, because it is exactly the same kind of love that's between my husband and I. I can tell you right now, that love has kept me alive when I was so depressed I was on the verge of killing myself. It has sustained me in my darkest hours and I thank the gods for the kindness that has granted me to have that love in my life. Loving from a distance is a living hell, especially when there is that kind of soul wrenching force of emotion there burning inside you.

I'm infatuated. I lust. I'll admit, I may obsess a little at times. But it was obvious to me when I saw the two of you together, no one on this Earth could hold a candle to her in your eyes. Love like that is sacred. It is blessed and you need to seize it before life slips it away from you. Our lives are too ephemeral, too short... They aren't enough to contain that potential indefinately or to hold that kind of blessing in waiting.

Why have my readings for you been just strange and confusing on this front, because you're looking at all of the paths except for the one that you're on. This isn't something that you're supposed to fight. The more you fight it the more miserable you become until you either give in, are forced into it, or you are destroyed. I've seen people fight their life path and I've seen them destroyed by it. Good things came to them but they refused them because they didn't come in the package they thought they were supposed to. Genuine and wonderful things came into their lives, but they were pushed aside as trivial because they were familiar.

Please, for the love of anything you hold sacred, don't make that mistake.

Raising a witch?

2008-09-29T12:05:00.002-04:00

Moon Phase: New Blood Moon
Moon Sign: Libra
Weather: Seasonal, overcast with a threat of rain and humid
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

As I sat with my son this morning and read to him, I was rather delighted to see that he is showing a lively interest in books. It particularly struck me, however, that he loved to listen to me chanting some of the Wiccan chants that I know and use occasionally. We just sat and rocked as I chanted a few different ones. He especially enjoyed We All Come From the Goddess and The Earth is Our Mother. It is my hope that when he gets a little older, he will perhaps have an interest in witchcraft.

I can't say that I'm 'raising' him to be a witch. I detest the concept of forcing religion upon a child. While I agree that children do need to have structure to build from and grow with intellectually and spiritually, I can't condone forcing religion upon them. As such, I've been taking a careful look at how I want to approach this topic. My dear husband has told me that he trusts my judgment and is going to follow my lead on this matter. While witchcraft may shape elements of how we raise him, I believe I'm going to keep as many of the options for him to explore open as I can.

When he gets older, I won't be disappointed or upset if he chooses to practice a different religion then myself or his father. I may be upset if he decides that his politics or his religious beliefs are going to come between him and us, but I can't say that I'll have any control over that. What I want is for him to find the path in his life that helps him to grow to be the best person he possibly can be and to find something in his life that gives him stability within himself. Some people find that within witchcraft and others find it in atheisim. While he's little, however, witchcraft can act as a proving ground and a place for him to learn.

So, he may be raised with witchcraft around him and he may choose to continue it as he gets older, but I don't think I can 'make' him be a witch anymore then my neighbors can 'make' me be Christian.

Blessed Mabon, everyone!

2008-09-22T10:49:00.002-04:00

Moon Phase: Last Quarter Wine Moon
Moon Sign: Cancer
Weather: Clear, above normal temperatures, mildly humid
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

It is Mabon and it feels like the year has flown by and yet it has also dragged out. So many, many things have manifested this year that I set into motion earlier that I've been a bit overwhelmed. I think it is safe to say that this year has been a highly successful one for my magic focused efforts. Some of the manifestations I'm not pleased with, but it is because I recognize that my focus was improperly directed. The spells worked but since I didn't target them right, I didn't get the result that was as I needed, but rather what I desired at the time.

Let that be a warning to any neophyte witches reading this; you really do need to be careful what you ask for because you will get it.

The rather large and difficult magic focused upon becoming more genuine to who I am and stripping away the hinderances to my doing the work I am supposed to in this life has been... well, difficult. A great many of the comfortable lies that I've told myself over the years have successively shattered. And many of the qualities that I've been uncomfortable with about myself... well, I'm finding myself forced to examine them and make peace with them. It is not easy to take on such a challenge, but I recognize that it is something that I need to do for the sake of myself, my marriage, and my child.

I think that the most challenging part of having that particular bit of magic manifest is dealing with the very large fear of rejection and of being assaulted for what I am doing. It was a long and difficult road to get to where I could openly wear my pentacle in public with out the urge to hide it beneath my shirt at the first scowl that I saw. With continued effort, I know that I will be able to face down my other fears even as I build an environment that is safe and protect my child from harassment akin to what I faced in my childhood and teenage years.

The funny thing is the same harassment that I faced from people outside of the Craft I have also faced within the Craft for the way that I approach witchcraft and the entire direction that I've been moving in. It has made the entire thought of writing about the tradition I'm practicing rather terrifying for me. The safe and comfortable anonyminity of a blog or random posts on message forums makes the confrontations strictly verbal and at a relatively safe distance.

I have found, however, that the initial pull I felt at 18 has grown stronger and I need to write. I suppose this is part of the process of engaging in the work I am supposed to, I am not sure. But I know for certain that I can't push it aside anymore. I just hope that this will not result in too much difficulty for my family. After all, witches are not exactly popular in my neck of the woods despite all of the proclaimed religious tolerance of the community. I've been accused several times of being a devil worshipper on the basis of my jewelery (which is quite tasteful and discreet). Fortunately, the vast majority of the hostility has been diffused thru a quick and educational conversation.

It did make me chuckle, however, when one person walked away saying, "Wow, now I can tell people that I really do know a witch! And she's pretty cool!" Some of my neighbors are pretty funny! :)

But, just as I have been taking stock of how my herb bed has done and reviewing how things have progressed with my flowers, I am seriously looking at how harvest is coming in in things like my magical efforts and such. So far, I think the harvest is shaping up well, despite the bit of a problem I had with depression over a large chunk of this summer.

Dreams and reality.

2008-09-10T14:33:00.002-04:00

Moon Phase: Gibbous Waxing Wine Moon (6 days from Full)
Moon Sign: Void of Course between Capricorn & Aquarius
Weather: Clear, slightly cool, some high clouds and a few 'cotton-ball' clouds, light breeze

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Last night I had a dream that I was at Lilydale. As I was there, one of my paternal aunts, the one who is a witch, walked up to me. She placed a hand on either of my shoulders and looked me intently in the face. In the dream, she was a few years younger then myself. As we were there, her wife was dying. My aunt said to me: "You're now the High Priestess. But you can't do it yet until you've been given the sacraments."

She said, "This is for your initiation." Then a garland of pumpkin orange hibiscus flowers (with midnight blue stamens) nearly as long as I was tall were wrapped about my waist, some how becoming only long enough to do so. We moved, somehow, to a park setting that I had seen in quite a few of my other dreams before. A garland of vivid, almost technicolor red hibiscus flowers (with pure white stamens) and red poppies was set on my head. As she did so, she said, "This is for your handfasting. Even though he's not here, it doesn't matter. It's after the fact anyways."

As she took a sky blue ribbon and cut it, we moved to the field behind the steel barn on my Grandfather's farm. Standing there among the Queen Anne's Lace, chickweed, and burdock, she put the four to six inch length of ribbon in my hand. Then, we were on the front porch of their house as it was before they remodled (over 15 years ago). She said to me, "You know the rituals and rites. You probably won't need this." She then handed me an inch thick booklet of papers that were printed off from her computer.

My dead Aunt, her wife, was in the midst of saying something to me as a couple approached me to be handfasted. Her face and form seemed to blur, like looking at something at the bottom of a clear pool of water and a series of waves rippled across it. Only one thing came clearly to me as I woke from this dream: "You're the High Priestess."

To say the least, I was perplexed by this dream. When I have dreams like this and wake with part of the dream still before my eyes, I know that something is wrong with some one I know. Somehow, I knew that something was wrong with my friend Rose. I had assumed that it was a simple matter of illness and I'd hear later. Then, a few hours ago, I get a phone call telling me that she died in her sleep last night.

It didn't surprise me. I find myself feeling confused and yet understanding the vision I had almost two years ago of her surrounded by children in a few years from now. It is when she'll be reincarnated. I don't know why I was shown that, but everytime I think of the vision, I can see it. She is sitting crosslegged on a white blanket in a brilliantly lit room. All around here are various small children and she is happy. And she is dressed in white with a blue stripe running along the hem of the shirt.

Am I in shock right now? Or did I expect for this to happen? I don't know. I only know that the coven she ran with our mutual friend David is even more stricken. First, in May, with the fire, came a terrible emotional blow. Then with the diagosis of her illness back almost two months ago, I can't be sure if it was one or two months ago now she was diagnosed, came another. Now, the third thing has come, her death. I feel horrible for her widowed husband. The man woke in the morning to find the love of his life lying dead beside him. I'm fairly sure that he tried to breathe life back into her cold lips and it is my sincere prayer that he does not curse himself for not waking earlier.

He is living one of my nightmares. Gods, please be kind and give him all of the aid he needs in this hour. He has lost everything.

Thoughts for Harvest tide

2008-09-07T10:03:00.002-04:00

Moon Phase: First Quarter Wine Moon
Moon Sign: Sagittarius
Weather: Clear, cool and humid.
~~~~~~~~~~

Lughnassadh has come and gone. My son's first birthday has come and gone, as has my husband and mine fourth wedding anniversary. In our home, I find myself looking about and questioning what manner of harvest I'm taking in this year. I can't help some of the feelings of bitterness coming to me as I review this.

The home we're living in was the one that I found to be a wonderful prospect for us to move into. It's since failed to live up to that hope and I'm finding myself rather disenchanted with it. Here it is, September, and we're not unpacked and there's many points about this place that I simply can not stand or am troubled by the potential safety concerns to my son. Even as I have made headway in dealing with the management of this apartment complex on getting these things resolved, I'm still struggling with the feeling of regret. I hate to admit it, but it seems to be leading into depression again.

I'm thankful for my son's health and well being. He's grown so very, very much over the last year. The burgeoning toddlerhood is making itself known in fits of temperamental behavior and assertiveness. I try to cherish it, but it is difficult. Even in the face of that challenge, however, I have to say that I am delighted that my son is becoming more independent and self-sufficent. It is not that I desire for him to be a full grown man in this time so I don't need to concern myself with his needs. It is a wonderful thing to watch him grow and develop. I feel profoundly blessed and humbled to witness this ordinary miracle.

The magic that I cast back at Imboleg and the efforts I have been engaging in to support that change within myself are making themselves evident. Some of this process has not been easy and even somewhat painful. However, letting go the disingenous habits I have acquired and the similar traits that I've attempted to force upon myself are in my best interests. As such, I shall, as the expression goes, thole and deal with it as best I can.

Oddly enough, I am finding that among the things being revealed to me about myself is how closely what I was raised with and how I look at the world resemble Asatru. Specifically, the Virtues upheld. I was particularly struck by the Virtues of Courage, Truth, and Hospitality. It was, however, when I came to the realization that an expression which has shaped my world-view could have been uttered by one whom is Asatru that I was taken aback.

That expression is:

It is better to give too little then to give too much.

That little expression among many others that I've encountered and found myself holding onto generally fit well into this picture of life as painted by that religion. I have also found things that I desperately needed to have been taught as a girl because they are crucial elements of that worldview which was instilled in me by my parents but in a flawed fashion. Particularly was the matter taught thru the rune Gyfu and the virtue of perserverance.

Gyfu, the rune of Joy is detailed by Ragnar Storyteller in this fashion:

Rune WUNJO ----- Joyfulness over Guilt.
We take pleasure in being human.
There is no shame or guilt about our sexuality, our strength or our greatness.

Upon the matter of the virtue of preserverance:

We hold to our path until its completion and are not ashamed to be strong.

In the two of these, I find a third thing which is surprisingly comforting. This third idea is that what gains we have made in our lives, be it wealth or anything else which others may envy, we shouldn't be ashamed of.

The hands of the Gods.

2008-06-18T00:50:00.002-04:00

Moon: Waxing Moon (one day away from Full), Sagittarius
Weather: Cool, humid and partially cloudy
~*~*~*~*~*~*~

As I've spoken to several of the witches I know, it's been coming to light that a great deal of strange things have been happening of late. The strange dreams I've been having, like the one I recounted earlier, coupled with the unexpected and odd difficulties that have been happening are all combining to make me believe that the hands of the gods are at work here.

Now, some may say that divine intervention or a miracle is a wonderful thing. I would argue that the value of such an experience is subjective and it can only be defined as an event of an origin that appears to be from the gods. Divine intervention happens every day in my opinion and it can be either for or against our interests. It can also not even touch us at all.

Sometimes, I suspect, those of us who are sensitive to changes on the spiritual level of things can get a whiff of those changes on the way. We can, I believe, also tell when the gods are at work on something. I believe that they are working on something now, something big and that I'm going to be one of many people who are caught up in serving as vehicles of the will of the gods.

I've been in that position. It's never entirely comfortable. It's actually fairly unnerving when the words come a little too easily and the actions flow more smoothly then you think it possible. Sure, it can be a wonderfully liberating experience, but it also feels as unnerving and uncomfortable as hydroplaning or getting caught on black ice at 55 miles per hour.

Still, I agreed to serve as a mouthpeice of the gods as I threw myself into the trade of learning divination. Such as it is, I hope that nothing too horribly life altering in a negative fashion happens. I always worry that it will, even though at the far side of the experience it always shows to be a good thing. Perhaps I should trust this entire arrangement more. It's rather difficult to do, however, when the gods of chaos are about and think that you're a 'good kid and could use a little help.'

After all, the gods do not think as men do. What they think is helping and what we think of as helping can be two dramatically different things. Maybe we'll get lucky and have a meeting of the minds this time.

Dreams of Ragnarok?

2008-06-12T08:46:00.003-04:00

My husband and I both has bizarre dreams last night. When I woke, all I could think was that I had a dream about Ragnarok and I said so. My husband said in an uncertian voice "I think I did too." I'm putting this up here and out on the internet to see if anyone else had simmilar dreams last night.

I dreamt of flooding and a great deal of strife. It wasn't flooding like what is going on in the Midwest right now. It was not the flooding where water explodes up out of the sewer and water mains under the street in great towering geysers, like in some movies. Nope, this flooding was buildings filling up with water and then the doors bursting open to gorge the flood waters into the streets with the dead, dying and struggling people in them.

In this dream, I had, I was repeatedly separated from my husband, at times with my infant son with me and at other times my son was with my husband. Each time, I told the person separating us that I would go but I would continue to love my husband. This theme persisted thru the dream, even as strange combats were faced and even stranger conflicts that managed to some how affect the world at large though they were immediate and local.

At the end of the dream, the flooding had stopped and I was walking along a broken tree on the ground. It was an enormous tree that had been felled due to the storm damage, for along with the main portion of the tree I could see that there was tree rot thru the tree. Now, as I walked along the tree, I saw flashes of the events that had occurred earlier in the dream and other events that seemingly were within the same time frame. Snow had been falling and over the mud there was a lacy layer I had been walking on prior to walking on the tree.

Suddenly, things changed and I was standing in the upper branches of another tree. It was Christmas/Yule and there, in the tree with me, were eight generations of reindeer, eight to a generation (each generation back a greater multiple of eight, actually). They were arranged in a Penrose triange with one at the head, three, then five for the first grouping, followed by the next multiple and so forth. The final part of each grouping turned as a line to look at me and say,

"We don't move until it's time. We don't move until she's ready. You don't move until it's time."

They then began to move forward off of the branches before me until the sleigh went past. Along the outside of the traces that the deer were hitched in, there were christmas tree lights for running lights, lit by their own power and the deer weren't moving of their own accord, but standing and just moving forward like on some kind of moving sidewalk. As the sleigh went past, Santa Clause looked over and it wasn't Santa Clause. At first, it was Odin dressed as Santa, which struck me as weird. Then it became Loki who said to me, "You survived. Everything's changed."

Meanwhile, down below the tree, people were celebrating and happy. I knew that my husband was at work and the baby was asleep in his crib. Even the dead had been returned to life and health, celebrating and joyous. My husband, who was at work, would be finished soon and I'd be home with him and the boy in a moment. This was all my certian knowledge, even as a part of me was insisting that the entire dream was strange and some kind of message. But, as Loki said, "Everything's changed," I woke. He was smiling rather benevolently and amusedly, as though having given me some kind of odd puzzle to figure out and a happy present at the same time.

So, when I woke and I announced that I had a dream about Raganarok and my husband said that he thought that he did to, I began to tell him this dream of mine. At which point he stopped me and told me that he also had a chaotic dream of flooding, but it was very strange flooding. He couldn't remember all the details, but at the end of the dream, he was at work pulling parts out of a computer that they needed to continue to work properly before the flood waters rose enough to do damage to them.

I wonder what this means. We don't usually have dreams the slightest bit simmilar, and it's highly irregular that the correspond as strongly as they did.

A candidate for the World Tree.

2008-05-20T00:32:00.002-04:00

Moon: Full Flower, Scorpio
Weather: Fair skies, unseasonably cold, risk of frost
~*~*~*~*~*~

I believe that this image could be a fine prospect for a modern rendition of the World Tree, upon which hung Odin for nine days and nine nights as a sacrifice by himself to himself.

Look up "Tree of Art" and you'll find images of the carvings that cover this tree. It is, to say the least, amazing.

Dreamwalking

2008-05-16T12:19:00.003-04:00

Moon: Gibbous Blossom Moon (2 days from full); Sign of Cancer
Weather: Cool, cloudy, and intermittent rain, under a low pressure system, with the remnants of that cool front that passed thru last night still around.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Dreamwalking, you may have heard the term before. If I've spoken to you personally about some of the 'witchy' stuff that I do, it may have even come up in conversation. I figured I'd just put out there what exactly this activity is.

When I say that I've been dreamwalking, I'm referring to one of two things:

Astral projection while sleeping.
Astral projection into the dreams of another person.

I have recognized over the years that the mind has considerable power in this state because it is fruit borne entirely of the mental flexibility of the practitioner. It is possible to present yourself in any number of ways when you are dreamwalking and even to impersonate others. Your mannerisims, however, usually give you away unless you make a close study of the person whom you are going to impersonate.

In last night's dreamwalking experience, I found myself encountering a friend of mine. He was rather surprised by how I had chosen to present myself. When I dreamwalk, I don't initially begin the experience dressed in robes, jeans, or anything else. Initially, I appear nude because I do not identify myself very strongly with individual garments that I own. Some people, when the engage in astral projection will envision themselves dressed in clothing. I think that's due to some sense of discomfort when they are nude and possibly a touch of self deception to hide from bodily 'flaws' that they feel they have.

I don't engage in that because I don't even stop to consider something like that. Instead, I just focus on being present. As a result, my mental efforts are not going to grant me clothing when I intially enter into the appropriate state for astral projection. (If you're wondering, yes, there is a *lot* of visualization applied in these practices.) As I recognize that when I engage in astral projection, it is possible for others to see me on that plane/level/realm/(what term are we using today?), I will either decide to envision myself clothed in what I am wearing at the time or do something different.

Most frequently, I will simply grasp some of the shadows that are about me when I engage in this and draw them about me to form my clothing. At other times, I will grasp and draw about me mist or something else, even something such as light that I see with my mind's eye there around me. This startled my friend because I don't believe it was something he'd encountered. I suspect that not many folks stop to think about the implications that your mind can affect the area about you when you engage in astral projection. The greater force of will you apply, the more of the area you can affect.

A fine example of this can be seen in some of the final scenes of that movie which was so popular several years ago. I believe it was called The Cell. It is possible, also to affect others in their dreams. The scene where the psychologist confronts the serial killer after bringing him into her mind is a fairly good visualization of a conflict between two people over a setting and other elements that come with dreamwalking.

Can you kill another person via dreamwalking? No, I don't believe so. If it were possible, then there would be a man that would be dead several times over for the times that he's walked into my dreams and attempted to assault me. I do think, however, it is possible to come away feeling poorly from the experience. It is a question of how much weight you give to it and that you allow it on you in your waking life.

You can choose how the situation unfolds, even kick another person out of the dream that has walked in. It is all a question of how you direct your will.

And, as Herr Freud said, sometimes a cigar is just a cigar. It takes a great deal of patience and self-knowledge to determine what traits are markers of dreams where you've actually been dreamwalking or interacted with some one who has walked into your dream. It does, in my opinion, however, indicate the prospect of one having the capacity for telepathy. That is a different topic for a different post, though.

Beltain Fires

2008-05-07T08:52:00.003-04:00

Moon: Waxing Blossom Moon, Gemini
Weather: Clear skies, mild. Some cloud cover expected later as a cool front begins to enter the area this evening. Possibly unseasonably warm today, meteorologists hesitantly said it may get up to 80 degrees F.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

At Beltain, a fire was often built by the ancient Celts to ward off illness. This fire was known as a need-fire by mythologists. One of the fire-festivals, Beltain not only had need-fires lit as part of the observances of the day but fires that were also dedicated to a solar deity. Or at least, this is the popular theory for why the bonfires were lit on this day by the ancient Celts. Wicca generally celebrates this holiday as a combination of the German witches' Walspurgis Night and the Celtic Beltain, usually on the first of May.

The focus upon fertility and certian popular ritual elements, such as Dancing the Maypole, come from the Germanic origins. The lighting of fires and reconing this as the beginning of Summer is derived from the Celtic cultures. Generally, Beltain is viewed as a celebration of the earthy pleasures of life, ranging from sexuality to food. It is considered by many traditions to be the day to celebrate the union of the God and Goddess of Wicca, as well. All of this, however, is not the focus of my post here today. It, rather, serves as context for the real content of my post and I am now going to move away from this to a somewhat odd direction, but you'll see how I tie all this together.

Last Sunday, I was going to go to a ritual to celebrate Beltain with some very dear friends of mine. That ritual, however, did not happen as planned. For, you see, the night before their home caught fire and burnt down. They were lucy to escape with their lives, but they lost everything. Sadly, they were unable to rescue their beloved pets (two cats and a quite aged rat). It was odd a few days before the master of the house had said that bringing my infant son to the ritual would not be a problem because there was "not going to be any huge bonfires to worry about." I thought that was rather odd phrasing at the time, but now I look back on it and question if there was something of a premonition there.

To say the least, they are devestated and feeling a mixture of things ranging from relief that they are alive to guilt and self recrimination. My friends, even as they are struggling to plan how they will move forward, are struggling to understand why this tragic accident befell them. Right now, they see only loss. I really can't say a word to begin to even approach that issue, though I see something odd about this entire situation.

Sometimes, we have events happen in our lives that are major points of change in our lives that are seemingly destined to happen. We may have flashes of intuition of them before they occur and we may heed those warnings, or we may put them aside as just strange accidents. Over the last several years, perhaps longer I am not sure, there has been some kind of odd incident involving fire surrounding Beltain for these people and the coven that they are a part of. One year, the oven functionally blows up that day (which is very strange considering that was an electric oven) and then another year, all of the candles burn unusually fast and hot. Yet another year, people were some how burned by the candles for the ritual and prior to the ritual there was something of a rash of minor burns to people who were cooking food to have at the post ritual dinner. As I look back over the last several years that I've known this coven, I see that each Beltain, something went strange with fire.

I think that perhaps they could have been warnings of this year's fire, or indications of something different. I'm not sure. I am inclined to say, however, that they were precursors to this year's fire and a bit of preparation for the message that was supposed to come out of it. As the person who was not part of the situation, I recognize that my statements here sound terribly callous. It, however, is not my intent to offend. I apologize if I have or manage to do so as I proceed.

Now, I look at all of this and I have to say that the fire this year which burned down the home of my dear friends is a continuation of the pattern established from prior years. (I think I can include the top popping off of an oxygen bottle as people were smoking at the dinner after last year's ritual as part of the list of Beltain fire incidents, by the way.) I don't know for certain if they are part of a series of warnings, but I think they placed the ground work for a very large, life changing event, as happened here. I also think that this life changing event is one that was going to happen no matter what actions occured the day before the fire or years before it. I suspect that this is the hand of the gods at work here or destiny, which ever you prefer.

It may sound strange to say that. It most definately is not what one expects to come from the gods whom are supposed to be benevolently inclined towards their worshippers. Heck, it's a very bizzare event to occur just about a week after I had given the mistress of the house a birthday gift that included a home blessing for prosperity and protection as part of a belated birthday gift. As I look back on this situation, I think my intuition prompted me to make that home blessing and protection charm as this fire was coming because I felt that it was needed. Heck, the fire orginated in the kitchen and my intuition told me to make something that would go in the kitchen.

I see in this situation, however, that they are going to rise up like a pheonix. Pheonixes are rather special to me. I identify quite strongly with them. They are a powerful symbol of rebirth and continuance. They also signify great triumph over adversity. I see this here singifying their strength and a renewal. In this fire, I feel something very large at work in their lives to force them to recognize just how powerful they are. I don't know what else is at play here, but this fire is no ordinary fire. It is a continuation of the fire magic that was done on Imbolc, and I suspect that there will be additional echoes of that fire magic of change and renewal is going to manifest until Samhain.

My intuition tells me that they're being given something far larger then everything they lost, though they can't see it yet or feel it's presence yet in their lives. Once the shock has worn away and they have completed the grieving process, I think they will see it. Their old life was cleared away for a purpose. Such a dramatic severing ensures that they can not return to the past, despite how ever tempting it may be. It would have come even if the fire hadn't happened. It may have come via a car accident or something else of a crisis. And my intuition tells me that it would have come at Beltain anyways. This is the largest of the fire festivals and it is the time where the vast majority of fire magic is performed. This also, I know, is when the Gentry begins to set to work on things as well.

And I know that my friends are going to feel that presence quite strongly as well, for the Good Folk are highly inclined towards them. Help is going to come to them from strange places, but I know it will be appreciated, even as it brings confusion. I just wish I knew what I could do to help them. This is not the end but rather the end of a beginning, despite all of that loss and destruction that surrounds them.

Tarot Meditation: Justice Reversed

2008-04-30T23:41:00.002-04:00

First off, I'd like to say that I really enjoy the option of just clicking on a free website for a quickie reading. I enjoy Facade because they've got alot more decks then I have and I can still interpret the cards myself if I wish.

I've been experiencing a little difficulty of late. So, I decided that I'd go the route of using Facade to get a quick one card reading. It's in some ways the same as a professional hair dresser using a box of hair dye from the drug store to dye their hair. It's not going to have the same polished elegance and such as going to a professional for the service. You may have to do the work yourself, or at least a fair amount of it. And there's a chance that it may not come out quite as well as it would if a professional had done it, but it's also quick, easy, and relatively inexpensive.

And, well, some days, I'm just lazy when it comes to myself. Anyways, I decided to go for a single card reading and get a little clarification of just what my challenge is right now. And what do I find but Justice reversed. It wasn't exactly a happy find, but I wasn't horribly surprised.

Justice is a card that, amusingly enough, is one of two that I have had associated with me via numerology. The other card is Temperance, but that is a different topic. But, as I was saying, so I have Justice reversed for my one card summary of it all. It's not a huge surprise because my life has been terribly out of balance, off kilter, how ever you choose to express it. Any way you slice it, I've been having difficulty keeping just about everything straight in my mind. I recognize that my emotions have been clouding my mind far too much to allow me to remain at a reserved and analytical distance from it all.

It's funny in a little way that this card popped up to describe the situation. It also kinda indicates what I need to do to get everything under control. Take the emotion out of it and just look at things from a factual perspective. I've never been that good at that with my own life, but it is a skill that I need to exercise on a somewhat regular occasion. It looks like I've hit another point where I need to do so. Here's hoping that the card is indicating that it will not be too difficult for me to do so, right?

Strange dreams.

2008-04-29T23:03:00.002-04:00

Moon: 3rd Quarter, Waning Gibbous Worm Moon; sign- Aquarius
Weather: Cloudy, moderate chance of precipitation, unseasonably cool
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

I've been having strange dreams again. The one I had last night has left me feeling a bit disturbed. I honestly don't know what to say about it. I'm posting it up here because perhaps the people out here upon the internet have some kind of idea as to what this could possibly be. Because I'm stumped.

I dreamt that I had a small infection in my hand. As I probed it, I found what appeared to be a sliver that looked like a very thin bit of driftwood or ivory, or perhaps a fish bone. It was situated within a fold of skin. As I opened the fold of skin, more of this sliver became visible and I decided to expose as much of the sliver as I could to make it easy to pull it out. Soon, I exposed a small ring of similar slivers. I then found that at the base of these slivers were tiny fingers.

I next then found myself looking at my feet and my doctor was explaining that this was because i had absorbed my twin in utero. My joints in my toes were odd because I actually had extra bones in them from my twin's feet.

The thing that was strangest and most disturbing was that the tiny fingers had a sinister feeling to them, if that's possible. With these long, pin thin nails that stood up like porqupine quills from my hand once they were revealed in the joint between the thumb and forefinger.

I don't know what to make of it, but it's been at the back of my mind all day.

Thoughts.

2008-04-20T22:37:00.003-04:00

Moon: Full Worm, Scorpio
Weather: Unseasonably warm, intermittant rain
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Sometimes, messages come to us from unexpected places. Sometimes, the messages are ones that have been getting thrown to us many, many times now but we attempted to deny them.

I know that I have a purpose and that I have agreed to do something important with my life.

I know that I am afraid... no, terrified of doing this.

I also know that my fears are inconsequential because no one can judge me for what I do.

After all, who judges us on how we live our lives and do so with out proving themselves a hypocrite?

It doesn't stop me, however, from feeling this fear.

Here, I try to remember that little litany against fear and the message buried in it. The message that we are ultimately in control over our selves and what we do with our lives, even as to how we feel about a situation.

Book of Prophecy, II

2008-04-03T15:49:00.001-04:00

A sound body and mind lends itself to a sound spirit. A sound body is healthy, clean, and strong. A sound mind is free from the doubts that encourage self harm, hungers knowledge, and filled with creative fire. From these elements is a sound spirit forged.

Greet the day with joy and gratitude. Greet the night with reflection and tranquility. By this way do you begin to have peace. Live your life with a sense of wonder and a keen knowledge of the joys given to you. Even the smallest thing is a magical wonder to treasure.

Self-empowerment comes in many forms complete the smallest task in your day and take pride in the work and that you performed to the best of your ability. You shall quickly find that by doing this the largest of tasks are the easiest and you can succeed despite any odds.

Speak truth of your heart without fear. Truth shall shelter and protect you from harm. With simple words and honest ways, all things can be righted and the balance restored. At the end, great things will have been achieved without effort.

All life is my beloved children.
We take joy in the beauty of all.
Each thing about you has a spirit or you would not.
I ask my children to love each other.
I ask my children to help each other grow.
As every mother would.

Behold, all about you, I am present.
Yet, my dear, if you do not look within, you shall never see me.

A glimpse into the past.

2008-03-31T18:50:00.004-04:00

Moon: Waning Sap Moon, Void of Course
Weather: Seasonably warm, cloudy and intermittent rain

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Here, you can find the view that I had on the Goddess about ten years ago. Somewhere in the last decade, my perspective changed, however. Virtually everything espoused here, I had stated myself in some fashion, or something akin to it. On one hand, it makes me smile wistfully at seeing it. It reminds me of the sense of joy that I had in realizing that my beliefs were validating who I was at that time and that it was healthy to have such a thing in my life.

I realized, however, that it was far too limiting to take this stance.

Much of what is presented by these people, however, does serve well for the neophyte that is seeking to broaden their perspective when they are new to witchcraft as a religion, specifically to Wicca or the form of witchcraft that is popularly practiced in the United States.

I ask, however, that the neophyte who cleaves to this perspective remembers something important:

The divine is not limited by our perspective and is not what we shape it to be. Each of us experience the divine as we are to see it for our own need. It is an independently revealed experience, there by all visions of the divine is correct.

Remember tolerance, young Witch, remember tolerance.

*~*~*~*~*~*

Edited to add:

In the near future, I will post here that which I was told to share with these people. It is my deep hope that the message that I bear brings only peace and wholesome things. Having the gift of Prophecy is at times as much of a curse as it is a blessing, for sometimes I fear what follows in it's wake.

An addendum to the invitation to discussion.

2008-03-27T11:34:00.003-04:00

Moon: Waning Gibbious Sap Moon, Void of Course
Weather: Seasonably mild, partially cloudy, light breezes from the north-west

The information for the moon reflects the following was written yesterday.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

This is addressing the fact that there's a large population (at least in the area I'm in) of young witches and inexperienced witches who are looking for guidance. I believe that the average age of these witches is about 20 to 25.

Alot of those teen witches who were targeted by the marketing efforts of various big publishing houses (specifically Llwellyn) who focused upon making a more mainstream version of witchcraft (predominantly Wicca) are now in a position where they're at a point of being taken advantage of, at best, if not seriously harmed at worst by the unscrupulous others within the larger community of witches and others.

The attitudes that are espoused and encouraged in the 'pagan authoritarianism' that Cain so eloquently dissected elsewhere (I quoted it here.) are what support and continue this type of situation. It creates a culture that implicitly encourages abuse and manipulation. It sets up a power structure and dynamic that disenfranchises the neophyte and the seeker even as it claims to be assisting them in gaining wisdom and providing the emotional support of a community of peers. This supposed support, however, is nothing more then hammering down those who seem to poke their heads up above the waterline in the sewers of bullshit that is rampantly shoveled into the group at the most basic level, that being that of the coven, and fails to serve the needs of anyone except for those who are at the higher levels providing the bullshit and the hammer of 'authority'.

Quite frankly, it disgusts and disturbs me to see blatant lies held up as irrefutable facts. it deeply troubles me when people who question any of the 'Elders' of the community or the leadership of their coven, be punished for doing so. Especially after they had been encouraged to do so prior to their association with witchcraft (generally this being the tradition of Wicca, in all of it's forms). The 'Elders' are held up as authorities who are not to be challenged or questioned. Present anything that makes them look poorly, you are decried and often subjected to a great deal of harassment, never mind if it is true or not.

How long must we wait for a serious discussion?

2008-03-25T12:21:00.002-04:00

Moon: Waning Sap Moon, in Scorpio
Weather: Fair skies, seasonably cool, there is a thaw underway

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

I open my post today with the same question that I put as my title:

How long must we wait for a serious discussion?

Now, you may be wondering just what we're supposed to be discussing seriously. The discussion in question is over how Witchcraft will proceed forward. Not just one Tradition/sect, but the entire community. There's a group of people who uphold themselves as Elders. Generally, they're not questioned by the population that have come after them and are found to be leaders in the community. Some of these people have founded their own traditions and others have been practicing witchcraft longer then the others about them, thus are viewed as Elders.

I do not claim to be an Elder. I haven't reached that point yet in my life where I feel that I have sufficient experience to be able to claim that title rightfully. However, I have worked as a High Priestess and I have run a few covens over the years. I think this gives me some grounds to hold this discussion with the Elders of our community. This combined with my years of serious study has prepared me for this discussion that simply must happen.

There is a looming crisis within the community of Witchcraft that has been ignored for at least a decade if not longer. Some elements of this crisis have been actively encouraged, even, and this must not continue. The community of Witchcraft has hit a point in our growth and development that we now need to make some tough decisions and answer some serious questions. The discussion that needs to happen is focused upon several different points, but they all combine into creating this crisis.

It's been a thing that we just don't discuss. There have been people who have used Witchcraft in it's various different Traditions/sects (including but not limited to the myriad forms of Wicca) to manipulate and abuse others. Often, this is put down by the community at large as the actions of a fringe group and we do our best to say that the responsibility for that action is squarely upon the shoulders of that person who has done so. We can not, however, continue to do this. Within the community of Witchcraft, especially within the traditions of Wicca that are known to the mainstream population, there has been an environment cultivated that encourages such things. The tolerance of this must not continue.

As a community, we need to not merely denounce and reject the actions of these people. We need to change the culture of our community and actively resist this. Witches have been struggling for the entire time that we've been in the public eye (in the modern era of Witchcraft) to repudiate the concept that we are a dangerous cult. As we're insisting that we are not a dangerous cult, unfortunately, there has been a great deal of effort poured in to whitewash the cults that operate under the auspices of our practices. I'm not talking about one tradition, but virtually all of the traditions of Witchcraft have been abused and encouraged to become safe havens for those who would use the relationship of the coven, especially the leadership positions within a coven, as vehicles for manipulating coven members into doing what they want.

This must stop! We can not tolerate this anymore. The community of Witchcraft needs to change so that we are not turning a blind eye to abuse any more. The community of Witchcraft needs to change so that we are not implicitly encouraging the establishment of covens that are run on the basis of the authority of one person. All dissenting voices should not be silenced. If we truly have Elders in our community, if we truly have leaders in our community, they need to step forward and assume the mantle of leadership and act the part, not simply say that they are.

I am a country witch. I haven't spent much time in the urban setting and I recognize that many, many witches are from that upbringing. I am a hereditary witch. Some of the ways that I do things are how I've been taught in my family and are going to be quite different from how others do them in their traditions. I am a scholar of my religion, a theologian of sorts, and I have quite high standards for what I expect myself to state to others with respect to what I believe and my practices.

These facts and many more that make me different from other witches, does not change the fact that the community of witchcraft needs to change. We can not tolerate this attitude that people who disagree with the Elders are somehow evil or out to destroy witchcraft. And yes, I have encountered that attitude many, many times. We can not tolerate this attitude that the word of the Elders is law and to be obeyed. Nor should we worship the ground they walk upon. They are human. They are failable just as I and anyone else are. In the words of my own mother, they need to take of their britches to shit, too.

This is a change that needs made from the younger part of the community. From the Elders, we need to see true leadership. Not mandates from on high, not holding forth on a topic for the sake of having your acolytes parrot back to you things you feel are particularly brilliant. This kind of thing is a large part of the reason why people left the more mainstream faiths. They did not want some one handing down to them dictates of how to practice their beliefs. And we also need the Elders to not simply dismiss a questioning voice or a dissenting opinion.

Engage in real discussion and present why that dissenting opinion is incorrect, if it truly is. Those who question should be embraced because they are looking for teachers. As Elders, you have a responsibility to teach others. You have a duty to guide them on their path and help them to master the tools they need to reach their own goals. You, yourselves, have questioned your own teachers. You were not batted down and ordered to be silent. You were not chastised and mocked for it. You were not punished for challenging your teachers.

Cease and desist in this barbarism that you are engaging in, Elders. You prove yourselves unworthy of the positions of leadership that you have claimed. You show that you are little better then the bigoted priests and ministers whom you insisted were ordering your lives about from the pulpit when you started on the road to this point. The only differences between you and them is the clothing and how the setting is composed.

If you're a pagan, read this.

2008-03-25T12:12:00.003-04:00

Please note, this was written by Cain, a Discordian whom I highly respect. He's probably one of the most brilliant people I have ever met and has written some of the most amazing things I've seen in a very long time. That said, this piece he has written should be read by any pagan, especially those who are in leadership positions.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Deconstructing Pagan Authoritarianism

As a Discordian, I often feel it is not only an obligation, but occasionally a duty to undermine, question and, if necessary, personally destroy authoritarian systems of control and coercion. Sometimes I do it out of deep-seated distaste, sometimes out of boredom and sometimes for profit, but that is another debate.

Furthermore, I subscribe very much to the views of the noted child psychologist, Jean Piaget, who considered that socio-cognitive conflict was a critical part of the learning process. While researchers have rushed to note that this does not necessarily mean confrontation or opposition, these are in fact important facets of socio-cognitive conflict. If we wish to learn and evolve, it is only through disagreement and conflict that we can ever hope to mentally improve ourselves.

Therefore, when I see groups who not only approve of creating an authoritarian system that stifles this dissent, but that it hypocritically takes this position under the mantle of some philosophy or religion, I get somewhat annoyed. And when I see groups or individuals giving out advice on how to perpetuate this state of affairs...well, that has to be answered. Especially on the internet, where such advice may be put to immoral use, even if that was not the original intention of the author. Such an article would be, for example, How to Keep Your Coven from Being Destroyed by David Petterson (aka Eran). Under the guise of saving covens from villainous trolls, he gives very sound advice on how to maintain systems of control, and his work has been fairly widely disseminated.

I intend here to critically analyze his arguments, both in order to show this is in fact the case, and to highlight the authoritarian strain that it helps legitimize. A follow-up counter-essay may follow, but for now, this alone will do.

Eran starts off by laying out what he sees as “the problem”. Namely that

We've all seen Covens fall apart, or larger umbrella organizations torn by internal strife. Sometimes, this is simply part of the natural cycle of creation and dissolution, an outworn group dissolving to make room for new growth. But at other times, a group with much promise can be damaged or destroyed while seemingly still young and healthy.

There are a number of problems here, right off the bat. Firstly, there is the false distinction between a “natural cycle” of strife and the (presumably) unnatural once he dislikes. What counts as natural, and what does not? As you'll find out from the rest of his article, what he means by not natural is that it was an intended outcome, or one that arose from purposefully created strife. However, can we really say that is not natural? Purposefully created strife may be the product of legitimate grievances that can be resolved in no other way. Since humans exist in a state of competition as well as cooperation, any conflict resulting from that must be 'natural', if we are using the most widely accepted definition of the word. A similar vein of thought might conclude that any group that did succumb to internal strife lacked the necessary legitimacy to make it effective anyway. A group with solid foundations and that has not sought to create grievances should be able to deal with a level of internal dissension. If it cannot, there is clearly a crisis of legitimacy going on.

Secondly, his comment about groups that seemed to be young and healthy. Firstly, its an anecdote, which should make anyone suspicious right away. Secondly, how do we know his perceptions are not faulty? A coven may have many problems or structural weaknesses they wish to hide from outsiders, in hope of attracting more members, attaining certain goals, etc etc. Unless one has intimate knowledge of the group in question, how can one come to a conclusion about its actual potential? It seems very...convenient to lay the blame on some outsider, some scapegoat.

The process by which this happens sometimes seems mysterious and incomprehensible. At times, it's impossible to clearly see what went wrong. Looking at the tragedy after the fact, it seems as if everyone did everything right. There were, perhaps, misunderstandings and miscommunications. But most of the people involved honestly and sincerely tried to understand everyone's point of view, and they did all the correct conflict-management and conflict-resolution kinds of things. But somehow, everything they tried simply made matters worse.

There is an inherent presumption here that the divide or problems are surmountable, that the group can be “perfected”. Sometimes, no matter how sincere a person is in their beliefs, and no matter how much they want to end the conflict, this is impossible due to irreconcilable viewpoints. You have heard of irreconcilable ideas, yes?

It's almost enough to make you paranoid, and wonder if there's a cowen plot to break the will of our most dedicated and ethical people.

Yes, its the devilish tricksters, the Cowan, out to break those of the Old Religion! Ahahahahaha! Or, possibly, you have a problem with taking responsibility for problems that arise in your community and constantly make references to external agents as being the problem. I know which I think is more likely.

A while back, Isaac Bonewits published a review of a book which explored this subject. The book is called, Antagonists in the Church: How to Identify and Deal with Destructive Conflict, by Kenneth Haugk...Isaac highly recommended this book, in spite of it being written from a Christian perspective and intended for a Christian audience of ministers and lay leaders....For a modern Witch or Pagan, reading Haugk's book frequently gets tiresome, because Haugk honestly views conflicts within Christian groups as ultimately being the work of the Devil out to destroy the True Church. But putting aside the Christian apologetics, there's an amazing amount in there which is useful and incredibly insightful.

Again, I can see a number of problems here. You are essentially taking your model for conflict from an absolutist and somewhat paranoid interpretation of Christianity, which lays the blame on the Devil. The only difference between yourself and Haugk is that he uses the Devil, and you use outsiders. The form is otherwise exactly the same, an original and totally committed source, external of course, that creates all this conflict and disorder.

Here's a very important insight: Such conflicts don't "just happen." The really destructive ones, the really vicious fights which tear apart Covens or larger groups, conflicts which break the spirit of the most dedicated Elders, these conflicts aren't accidents, and they aren't the consequence of simple misunderstandings or miscommunications. No; they happen because particular individuals made them happen. There is a class of personality traits which makes certain individuals crave conflict.

How convenient. I suppose blaming it all on a personality type means you can avoid the need for any sort of self-analysis or critical questioning of your own handling of the issue. Also, the conceit that such conflicts are always planned is incredible. As someone who has experience as a conspirator and instigator in some conflicts, I like to consider myself an actual expert in the area. And I can tell you this much: there is no such thing as a single, original cause of any fight. A vicious and destructive fight can be totally sincere and honest, or it can have multiple origins, some legitimate and others done for self-gain, or other reasons entirely.

The personality traits they possess can be identified, and their techniques can be thwarted or rendered ineffective. To handle them properly takes prior knowledge and preparation, however. It also requires a willingness to take firm action, and to freely exercise your legitimate authority as a Coven Leader.

Presumably, any technique that works on such a personality obviously bent towards conflict and destruction would undoubtedly also work on anyone who raised legitimate problems or issues which a Coven leader decided they did not want to address or resolve. After all, if they are not good enough to work on such “dedicated” individuals, then they are worthless, and if they are good enough, then they have multiple applications.

How useful that it also allows the Coven leader to exercise their “legitimate” authority over others. How is any sort of authority legitimate, least of all within religious groups? From whence does such authority derive? Do you have control with the consent of those you exercise power over, or is it based within your religious structure, your “advanced knowledge” or indeed other factors? Many covens are susceptible to nepotism, corruption and the Big Fish in a Little Pond Syndrome, all of which don't sound especially good sources for authority at all.

Since this is a religious context, I'll also give some thoughts on the theology of it all. Regardless of how Haugk views the matter, as Witches we needn't see it as a conflict of good vs. evil, but rather as a case of treating the people around us in the ways which are appropriate to each individual person. Nor is it a case of a cowen plot, but rather of processes which are entirely natural, though discomforting - in the same way a plague or a flood or an earthquake is entirely natural. Though the Gods of Nature throw such disasters at us, we needn't stand passively and merely accept the destruction. If you live on a floodplain or geologic fault, you can, and should, make proper preparations to minimize how badly you'll be hurt.

But wait a minute, you just said above that this is not a natural process? So which is it? Are these people part of a natural system of universal checks and balances on autocratic jerks, or are they not? You contradict your opening statements, which makes the coherency of your train of thought suspect.

And if you build your house on a floodplain or geological fault line, then you're an idiot, or you have to accept the element of risk in your actions. I mean, if we're going to extend metaphors here.

Really destructive conflict is caused by people who are driven to engage others in unwinnable contests. Such people generally have very low self-esteem, little regard for those around them, often a rather loose grip on consensual reality, and frequently possess a fair measure of paranoia. Their low self esteem makes them want to tear others down, in order to make themselves look better by comparison. Having little or no regard for others, they won't care about the damage they cause, and frequently won't even recognize they've caused any. Being unable to distinguish reality from their own rich inner fantasy lives, they will be very convincing liars, because they honestly believe the incredible things they say. And their paranoia is often justified; when they act on their inner drives, they start causing damage, and people stop liking them. Paranoiacs frequently do have many enemies, and few friends.

I question Eran's psychological credentials. For starters, this is taken directly from the description for paranoid personality disorder. Does Mr Eran have any proof that such people actually suffer from such a disease? What is his evidence? Or is he just using mental illness as a particularly nasty and underhanded slur against people who upset the status quo? Surely if these people are sick, then they deserve our sympathy and medical attention, not scorn and belittlement.

I of course question the entire psychological profile put forward here. Again, from personal experience, those who are most suited to creating real, debilitating conflict are usually very sophisticated and adept in social situations, and have a very good grasp on social dynamics and human behaviour in general. They would have to be, in order to create the sort of problems that tear a Coven apart. Unless it was a very weak coven in the first place, of course, in which case my criticisms about legitimacy apply.

All this makes them very guarded and closed-off and secretive, though they'll frequently hide behind a carefully-constructed mask of outward friendliness. One such person was overly fond of the most famous quote from Machiavelli: "Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer." That kind of deceit and duplicity is something to look out for.

A Machiavellian personality is nothing like paranoid personality disorder. Goddamnit, if you are going to pretend to diagnose people with serious mental illnesses, as least keep some coherency in your argument. Such a person would likely tend towards psychopathy, because while they can understand and model their behaviour according to social expectations, they themselves feel no real compassion, benevolence or sympathy because of that empathy.

And again, we are assuming a priori that there is some sort of mental issue going on here. I find this pattern of implicit dehumanization of critics both worrying and somewhat disgusting. Some people enjoy conflict out of boredom. Have you never seen two cats start a fight simply because they can? And, as always, it overlooks legitimate or accidental conflicts entirely.

In a Pagan context, it wouldn't be appropriate to use this imagery of Eternal Conflict. We'd do better with an image more in keeping with Pagan myth and symbolism.

Something like "Shiva" or "Kali" would be an improvement. After all, destruction is a natural process, though one which we don't want to stand too close to, if we can help it. But then, destructive people get most of their strength from the fear and worry they can inspire in their targets, and putting on them a label like "Kali" gives them far too much power. Better still would be a term which, while not minimizing the danger, doesn't give them more respect than they deserve. The Books of Raoul say, "Every ecosystem needs maggots," and so I've heard the term "maggot" used effectively, though that seems to go too far the other way. A word I've chosen to use is "troll."

Wow...hate Hindus much? Both Shiva and Kali have very important roles within Hindu cosmology, ones that are mirrored elsewhere by deities like Coyote, or Hermes, or Eris. I note the objection to the use of the names of the destructive deities isn't the implicit insult to other religions either, but to not give them too much credit or power. So instead you steal an internet phrase.

In much of European mythology and folklore, giants, trolls, and ogres are embodiments of the forces of Chaos, natural forces which often batter at the walls of civilization or even at the orderly forms which Nature Herself creates. Chaos is not an "evil" force. It's simply the flip side of the creative impulse. Seeing destructive people as chaotic rather than as evil helps to place them into a useful and meaningful Pagan context. Of all these chaotic embodiments, trolls are sometimes among the strongest - yet they also have an unintentionally comic side, as we're reminded by fairy tales such as the "Three Billy Goats Gruff," or modern stories such as Tolkien's "The Hobbit". Trolls can be easily outwitted, if you know something about them, for sunlight turns them into harmless boulders. An understanding of the true nature of destructive people is the sunlight which renders them impotent and ineffective.

Oh wow. This is incredible. You're actually being serious here. If we're going to talk folklore, then fine. To extend the metaphor, yet again, the giants of Norse mythology were a destructive force because the Gods denied them immortality. They jealously kept the apples which granted them immortal life in Asgard, and refused to share their powers. The hierarchy between the giants and Aesir looks a more likely cause of conflict than anything else you care to name. But after all, you've already decided those who engage in conflicts are mentally ill, so I doubt rational arguments will sway you much.

Secondly, conflating chaos with destruction and evil, opposed to order? What is this, Christianity 101? I think a generation of avant-garde artists want a word or two here, not to mention several thousand Discordians. Chaos is value neutral, and can as often lead to creation as destruction, since its primary element is that of change. Order can easily be as oppressive as chaos, if not more so, because with oppressive order, the possibility of change or difference is removed. Classical Greece is a perfect example of creative chaos, and the Roman Empire a perfect example of oppressive order.

Thirdly, will you please make up your mind? Are trolls scary and uncontrollable, mentally ill individuals who can reduce entire communities to strife, or are they easily dispatched? You can't have it both ways. This is starting to sound like a Bush speech, hype the threat, then promise the supposedly easy cure. Which of course begs the question no-one ever asks, that if the cure is so easy, why is the threat so dangerous?

Frequently, trolls are unaware of the damage they're causing. A cornered mongoose doesn't really want to rip you to pieces; it just wants to get away. So too, a destructive person will usually deny wanting to cause pain. .... This is the key in a nutshell: trolls are not healthy people, so they can't be expected to act in mature and healthy ways. And treating them as if they were mature and healthy is like treating a cornered mongoose as if it was a beloved housecat. The results are not pretty.

A mongoose or a plague-carrying flea is not likely to change into something else. Neither is a troll. Unless you are very, very skilled as a counselor, nothing you can do will help a troll get healthy. In fact, things you'd normally do to help other people will just make matters worse. If you are understanding and patient in response to a troll's dishonest or destructive acts, what troll learns is: dishonesty and destructiveness is rewarded by patience and understanding. This encourages the troll to continue being dishonest and destructive.

Ah, pseudospeciation at its best. Trolls are not only mythological creatures, they are mongooses, and plague-bearing fleas. And, just like terrorists, they cannot be negotiated with, since they are supremely irrational (except when they are being deviously Machiavellian and manipulating people into doing their bidding, one presumes).

Because trolls need conflict, they are very practiced at it. Experience is a good teacher, and most trolls will have had an enormous amount of experience by the time they are old enough to join a Coven. If you wind up being the target of a troll's attacks, fighting back is not a good idea. Trolls are very, very good at turning any frontal assaults to their advantage. They are even better at finding and manipulating more subtle responses. One of the most powerful defensive tricks they have is pretending to be the victim. Once you respond - in any way, regardless of how measured and controlled your response is - they begin telling everyone they know about how mean you are, and how cruel and vicious and vindictive you're being. It's a good way to turn your own friends against you, and begin making you feel isolated and paranoid. This tactic has the additional advantage of turning attention away from whatever unethical acts the troll was doing in the first place.

Unless of course, they weren't involved in any unethical conduct, and they really are a victim, that you are victimizing. This paragraph says to me “ignore anything the so-called troll says! Everything will be a lie, they can't be trusted!” So much for the truth winning debates, instead the solution would seem to be isolation and ignoring the points raised. Again, avoiding the necessity of, oh, perhaps taking a critical look at yourself and your role in the conflict or drama.

So, patience won't help; retaliation won't help; love and support won't help. Explaining the situation won't help, and neither will proposing solutions or compromises, nor will mediation or engagement in any sort of dialogue. If you wind up in any dispute or argument with a troll, doing any of these things will simply make matters worse, and will probably result in incredible pain. Yet these are exactly the approaches you should use with most people who are not trolls. Most people are healthy. Trolls are not, and should not be treated as if they are. Trolls are not healthy; they won't get healthy, they don't want to get healthy, and keeping them near you will eventually let them harm you.

WE DO NOT NEGOTIATE WITH TERR-UH, TROLLS. So you may as well not bother engaging any person who is causing any sort of minor upset, since they are a troll (supposedly). The only thing that can be done is to remove them as soon as possible, and ignore anything else they say or do. Only then can our pristine and perfect world can be restored.

That is part one of both this essay and my response completed. The next should follow shortly.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Read the rest of his essay on his blog.

Yay! Sleep deprivation!

2008-03-18T10:51:00.004-04:00

I really need to be awake when blogging.

Facing Fear Head on.

2008-03-16T21:37:00.000-04:00

We all have times where we're afraid. Sometimes, that fear is so intense that the world seems to become nothing but a vast morass of oppressive forces at work for your destruction. It may sound funny, but I think that the high influence of science fiction classics in my education and upbringing has proven to have an interesting effect upon how I view fear.

I present to you this gem of wisdom from Frank Herbert's Dune:

The Bene Gesserit Litany Against Fear
I must not fear.
Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path.
Where the fear has gone there will be nothing.
Only I will remain.

It may sound a little foolish, but I try to keep this in mind when I am facing my fears.

So, as I sit here facing fears regarding small details of life, such as money, I strive to keep this in my mind. It's been something that has been there in my mind since I saw a movie version of Dune when I was a kid. It's funny, however, that something like this would stay in my mind in the face of so many things.

I think, however, that precious little from my forays into science fiction as a girl has ever served me better then this. (I've cross posted this into my other blog as well.)

A recurring dream/vision.

2008-02-29T14:42:00.004-05:00

Moon Phase: Waning, Gibbous Moon
Moon Sign: Sagitarius
Weather: Cold, moderately cloudy

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I occasionally will have visions of things. Sometimes, my ancestors will come to me in them and tell me things or give me tasks to do. There are times where I can make sense of them quickly. Othertimes, I may over complicate them in my efforts to make sense of them. This, I suspect, is the case in the one that I present below. This has been a recurring dream in the midst of the dreams of nonsense. This dream, however, has been particularly clear. I know that there is a message here. I just can not make sense of it.

Now, to place a bit of context here. I am dreaming of the native american women to whom I am related. One is my great-great-great grandmother, a Souix medicine woman. The other is her grandmother. They are related to me on my mother's side of the family. They've come to me at other times with answers to major questions or information. They've also taught me things as well. All of this said, here is the vision that I have been struggling with. Please, some one, help me make sense of it.

I am walking on a dirt path thru a forest. It is late Spring/early Summer. The air smells wet and heavy, though the Earth is dry. I believe it will rain sometime later. The walking stick in my hand is warm and my sandals are uncomfortable because my feet are mildly swollen. Ahead of me on the path, she is waiting as she always is. On her stern face, however, is a smile. She is proud of me for struggling up this far and actually showing it on her face, rather then a curt nod of approval.

The baby is squirming in his sling across my shoulders. He's secure, so I am not worried. I think we may need to run, but I don't know. The ground here is uneaven. The soil has a red color to it, smells strongly of clay. I think I'm in western Georgia, but I'm not sure. This place never seems to have any firm indications of where it is, except for the forest, mountains, and the humidity. Ahead of us is the village. Nothing here has changed in the years of having visions of this place. Grandmother has come out of her home. She never does that. But now, here she is, standing in the sunlight with her steel grey hair gleaming in the dappled light.

She is also smiling. It is a plesant surprise, but I am now wondering why they are smiling. I walk up to her and embrace her. She nods and claps me on the shoulder before pointing up to the top of the hill (mountian? what is this place? I've had dreams and visions of being here and I just don't know!). I turn and begin walking up the path and they walk with me. It is silent, but they've never been ones to idly chatter. As we walk, I see that there is a large stone outcropping up here. The stone is flint and remains jagged and sharp, despite countless years of weather wearing at it.

I'm motioned over to the edge of it and told to sit. They sit beside me and point away off to the East. There, on the horizon, I see open green fields turning to sand. Among them, people are flailing, covered in bugs. Various stinging and biting insects swarm over them. I'm told that this is what is coming and that pure, clean water will help prevent this from coming into my home.

They then point off to the West. There, the horizion appears as though there is a sunset, but all in shades of red. Away, as far as the eye can see, there is bare bedrock in an uneaven broken sheet. Animals and people are fleeing as this barrenness spreads, spurred on by wind. Where the sun would be setting, there is a point of darkness. It is almost oily black, but it has a depth with out luster. Within it, there is a figure of a darker black walking forward. All of this spawns forward with each step.

They then point to the North. Snow and wind blind me for a moment. Then, I can see children playing, shreiking and screaming with laughter. The air is so cold that it takes my breath from me and my lungs burn. The snow falls faster and faster, piling up higher. Soon, the children are no longer laughing but crying. They want to come in out of the cold, but can not for they are lost in the snow. The places where their footprints were in the snow are filled in and swept clean by the wind.

Then, they point to the South. I'm told to watch and not say a word. I see smoke. I can smell inscence, I believe it is frankinscense, but I am not sure. It is heavy and cloying, I can taste it on my tounge. A woman is groaning and crying out. Her belly is huge and her head is hanging down as she lies back on an odd looking chair. Her feet are raised and her shoulders are as well. It as though she is sitting in a crouch, like a hospital bed with stirrups for labor or a gynecologial exam. The chair is made of red wood, almost looking like fresh cut cedar when it is wet. I can not see her face. Her hair is long and twisted. She is coated in sweat and seems to possibly be in labor. I don't know, all I see is her straining to no apparent avail. After a few moments of additional struggle, she leans back and begins to weep and cries out with anger.

Something that is supposed to happen is not happening and she is tired. As a person wearing a turqoise/aqua colored paper mask approaches, she begins to yell at them. "No, don't you dare poison me with those things. You claim they help but they don't! Don't you dare put them in me! Now, get away! Go!" The smoke rises and stings my eyes as it obscures my vision.

Then I see the trees on the hills with their leaves dancing in the breeze. I hear bells and the Grandmother takes my hand and pats it. She kisses my son, who is sleeping, on his forehead. She walks away down the path. My other ancestrix sits by me. She's waiting for me to do or say something. But I don't know what I am supposed to do. Down at my feet, a pregnant mouse comes out of the grass and stares up at me with a large seed in her teeth. She sits up on her hind paws and begins to eat, staring up at me expectantly.

The Beloved and Betrothed.

2008-02-23T10:42:00.002-05:00

Moon: Waning Storm Moon, Gibbious
Moon Sign: Virgo
Weather: Cold, partially cloudy with high thin clouds predominant at the moment, light breezes
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Some may question how love fits into the life of witches. For some witches, their relationships are monogamous and for others they're polygamous. Social pressure around us frequently encourages us to remain in monogamous relationships. Our hearts may call us in other directions and we may even find ourselves left in a state of conflict.

Here, I need to take a moment to remind any and all Readers, the perspective of witchcraft varies from coven to coven and from tradition to tradition. I also feel it wise to remind you all that the ethics and belief system of witchcraft are different from Christianity and generally those espoused by the population at large of the community where in we live.

This reminder given, I ask that any and all who are in such a state of conflict and practice witchcraft take a moment to look at the things we uphold as holy. We uphold life in all of it's mewling, puking glory to be holy. We uphold love to be holy, even as conflicted and confusing it may be. And, we up hold the body to be holy. In this respect, why must we constrain ourselves to love in any form?

If we feel that monogamy is the correct relationship for us, then we shall engage in it. If we feel that polyamory is correct for us, then we shall engage in it. What is vital here is to be responsible in this setting, for we can not say that we are acting with love and reverence if we are reckless. Our lover(s) must be informed and understand the relationship. This must be a mutual thing, for one person can not be polyamorous and the other monogamous in a given relationship with out a great deal of difficulty if this is not agreed upon. As such, I present the following suggestions:

Regularly check with the person whom you are romantically involved with if they are comfortable, happy, or feel safe. If any of these are not so, pause and determine why. Address the problem and then plan how to proceed forward.
Make certain that all parties with whom you are intimate are in good health. If they are not in good health, take proper measure to ensure the health and safety of yourself and them. This is a form of respect and reverence for the other person(s) involved and the acts you engage in.
Do not do anything that makes you feel unsafe, uncomfortable, or pained in any fashion. These feelings are warnings that something is wrong, so be aware of them. Do communicate them to the people around you. Pause and determine what the cause of this is. Address the problem, and then plan how to proceed forward.
Make a point of regularly expressing the affection you feel for the people you love. The more you express your affection, the more it will be expressed in return. Check to make sure that you are conveying it with the appropriate methods (those that make the target of your expression aware of your feelings in a manner that is safe and they are comfortable with, above all be respectful).

If you look, you will see that there are two themes in my four points of advice. Open and honest communication is one theme. The second is respect. With out these, no amount of love will permit a relationship to be strong. A strong relationship is healthy. These two things are required to maintain the health of your relationship. The more people you add into a relationship, the more this is needed.

Now, to return to my earlier theme: what is the role of love in the life of a witch?

Our romantic pairings (or other groupings) is but one of many expressions of love. Love is in many respects the basis of our actions. This is not in the sense of the Christian community's abstract unconditional love of all. Though it is akin to it in some respects. The love a witch feels is first a love of themselves. This is not narcissism. This love is what's known by many as self-respect. It is here that many, many of our actions are rooted. To disrespect oneself is to disrespect one's divine potential. It is the same as spitting in the face of one's own mother. An act that is distasteful and insulting on a most basic level.

While we all of our struggles with this, we must strive to continually express to ourselves how much we are loved and worthy of love. All are deserving of love. And love has no limitations on it. All love is unconditional. Limitations come from one's efforts to conduct themselves in a manner that will promote love to flourish, much like pruning a rose bush will prove helpful to it's health. Just as love is unconditional, we must recognize that the object of love is not fixed.

This is a point of difference between Christians and witches. We do not fix our hearts upon one thing, for we recognize that love will wax and wane. It is an emotion that we feel to varying degrees of force. We do not strive to express it at full force all the time to all that we possibly can. It is not possible for most to accomplish simply due to the limitations of their lives. Those who can accomplish it are often tormented by the fact that others do not feel it as they do and agonize over how to express it.

In this, we also recognize that relationships are something we choose and engage in on a basis that extends beyond love. Our relationships are also based in our choices. Long term relationships serve a need that is greater then just love, though none is willing to admit it. We may find that we do not desire a life with out a given person in it. As such, we seek to ally ourselves with them in a manner that is appropriate to our relationship with them. If they are our lover, we may choose to wed them. When the times where the force of our love wanes, we have our choice to support our relationship. Here, we can seek our lover's expression of love to us, for it will help kindle our own feelings of love.

It is, however, not their duty to do so. For they too are subject to the tides of their own heart. It is the failure, however, to maintain the relationship that is the cause of dissolutions of marriages and other relationships. If we do not choose to continue to engage in the relationship, the waning of the tide of love for a given person will bring with it the ending of that relationship.

The beloved can be the same person if we work to maintain that relationship. So to is true of the betrothed.

Runemal from the night of the Lunar Eclipse

2008-02-23T10:33:00.003-05:00

This is from another blog of mine. I post it here in the hope that the message will reach the person that needs it. This was not as difficult to interpret as the tarot reading from the same night, but it was still surprisingly challenging.

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Fate brings two possible scenarios:
1. Impovershed circumstances leading to spiritual wholeness.
2. Joy leading into a loving union.

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The physical form continues to struggle in recorrecting the imbalances from the past pregnancy.

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A summer pregnancy is ahead. It is not fully anticipated but not unprepared for.

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Strength in autumn. Words will be as weapons and honor as a sheild.

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Fetters will be released upon needed destruction, though few will understand the chaos. Ride the storm.

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Tarot reading from the Lunar Eclipse

2008-02-23T10:26:00.003-05:00

Moon Phase: Full Storm Moon Total Lunar Eclipse
Moon Sign: Virgo
Weather: Partially cloudy, cold
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Tarot Deck Used: The Witches Tarot from Ellen Cannon-Reed
Spread Used: Celtic Cross with the 3 Card spread as confirmation

Position: Card (R)*, Clarifiers (R)*

* (R) - this indicates the card is reversed.

*************
1. Querant: High Priest, 8 of Cups

He is engaged in all the proper acts. Fulfilling his role and duty in all areas as proscribed and in the correct form. He has kept his emotions and deep spirit in check. They now threaten to overflow. Be aware of boundries. Self-imposed limits do not always reflect what is there.

2. Situation: Lovers, 7 of Cups

He strives for her but she will slip his grasp until he fully unites his will to his spirit and grasps his desire firmly in both hands. Until then, she will look away to spirit, though spirit looks to flesh and is cloaked in the body and mind.

3. Deep Past: Chariot, Queen of Swords, Prince of Swords, and Ace of Pentacles

He was torn between two passions. One sought a 'strong Mother' in a severe woman of a firey temperment. The other seized control of fledgling passions and youth's heat. This direct path lead to enlightenment of the body and Earthly forms of knowledge.

4. Moderately Deep Past: Strength, Fool, Magician, Seeker/Hermit*, and 9 of Swords

Power came in surrender to ecstacy. A new path of Enlightenment came to him. He found occult knowledge and skill, but not the answers he sought. He turned within to seek knowledge. He has found his enemy is himself.
* As I looked at this card, I was told quite clearly to name this card as Prophet

5. Recent Past: 2 of Cups

Distance between his goal and himself has been keenly felt. The most recent attempt brought ignorance and denial of his value. She was praising barreness in the face of virility, yet crying for fertility. She is blind to the precipice. He has continued to struggle.

6. Immediate Future: Ace of Cups

Illumination, love, and an answer to the call of the Moon. One shall lead him along the way even as she gives him a healing draught of her heart. She will pass, and his life will be better, for she brings clarity in her ecstacy.

7. Hopes & Fears: King of Pentacles, 8 of Swords

He fears to be old, bitter, and alone despite of his wealth and money. He fears that he is fighting an insurmountable enemy. He hopes that these fears are illusions, but a nightmare from which he shall wake or a winter depression.

8. House & Home: Queen of Pentacles, Justice and 7 of Swords

One who is near to him provides a solid, grounding presence. Her motherly wisdom is from the age of her spirit. She is blessed with deep insight and clear vision with her gift of prophecy. You are encouraged to find rest and refuge in her arms.

9. Hand of God: Prince of Pentacles, 6 of Cups

He shall continue on his path. He is now manifesting the energy of his earlier choice. He will be called to celebrate this at Beltane. This is ordained of his spirit and from God's being.

10. Outcome: 6 of Pentacles

Remember that expression ~ "Life is a banquet and most poor fools are starving to death." Make a point to celebrate and seek joy. Grasp opportunity as it comes to you. Wealth, youth and joy may fade. Memory's store remains fresh and idle tears need not shed.

*************
I. Past: 5 of Pentacles

Past difficulties seemed insurmountable inspite of his well completed work. His body was heavy and weary as his mind and spirit. Grim determination carried him forward.

II. Present: 6 of Wands

He turns within himself. He seeks solace in nature even as he strives to free himself from all destractions to his task of knowing and mastering himself.

III. Future: 9 of Cups

Love comes. All that is hidden shall be revealed. His power shall come to him. A woman shall be his guide.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
As I stated elsewhere, I do not know who this reading is for. This was a very difficult reading for me to interpret. Never have I had one that proved to require three days to fully interpret the layers of meaning. As such, I think it is more then important to present this here for the world to see, for I am sure the person who needs this reading will reach me somehow, if I do not know him.

Early Springtide Thoughts

2008-02-17T11:21:00.004-05:00

Moon Phase: Waxing Gibbous Storm Moon
Moon Sign: Cancer
Weather: Cloudy, light precipitation & moderate breeze
(unseasonably warm, frontal edge due to pass thru soon)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Soon, it will be the full moon. We have reached the very beginning of the spring season with Imboleg just behind us. Imboleg (also spelled Imbolc) is a holy day in the Wiccan calendar and in several other Pagan belief systems. It comes from the pagan Irish Celts. This was the time of year when they held religious observances in honor of the beginning of the lactation of the herds. This was the first sign of the coming spring and the soon to be birthed livestock. This was also a fire festival.

Herds were driven between a pair of roaring bonfires for the sake of helping to stave off illness. Fleas and other small pests were drawn to the heat and light of the fire, jumping off of their hosts and killed in the flames. This and several other rituals that we have fragmented records of are grounded in such simple roots. The additional sacred meanings were added later.

During this time of year, we find ourselves faced with the bane of the season: boredom. As during the month of February, and in the early part of March, the harshest and coldest times of the year will fall, we are often cooped up indoors for longer then we'd like. We start to suffer from cabin fever and get quite restless. Some of us can afford that trip to some place sunny and warm for that week when school is out. Some of us have the means to get out of the house and go to the mall or off to someplace entertaining (the zoo, museums, or even the movies). There are also those of us who can not do these things.

This is where that infamous thing called Spring Cleaning is actually your friend. While you can not go full bore into it and air out the house, it doesn't mean you can't start. Take some time to sort your linens. Throw away the items too worn out to make rags and the ones that are in good condition (but you still don't want) give away to a local charity. Then, go out and purchase two (or more, if needed) sets of linens that you absolutely love. Get one set that is nice and warm (I find flannel to be just lovely) and one that's going to be wonderful for the summer.

Sort out your clothes and get rid of the things that you will never wear again. That which is too useless for even rags can still have a use if you do handcrafts. If you don't, or if your fabric box is so large that it really should be paying it's way in rent, get rid of it. That which doesn't fit you properly (and you can afford it) get rid of it and go buy some comfortable clothes. Sure, we all have the goal of losing those 10 to 20 (or more) pounds by summer, but we shouldn't have to feel guilty when we get dressed in the morning. The clothes that you love and are getting worn out, take a bit of thread and a needle, mend it up. Some of your rags can make very interesting patches if cut nicely and you can also change the look of your clothes with a few well placed stitches and appliqué.

One of the things I have found that we all crave this time of year is the interaction with something green. Houseplants are wonderful for this. If you don't own any, you should consider investing in some. And yes, I mean investing. You don't need to go buy anything expensive, but take your time to determine what you need and what will be well suited to your indoor environment. Houseplants serve alot of good, even if no one really talks about it. We can always talk to our plants, and they'll flourish just from the attention. It really doesn't matter if we're telling them how beautiful they are or if they're just listening mutely to our sob stories about daily life.

Houseplant also clean the air in your home, which is going to be good for your health. And, let's not forget, that little bit of moisture that they require will also add to the humidity of your home as well. This time of year, the air is so dry that I know that I have problems with my hands getting painful with dry skin. I'm sure you do as well. If you have the space, you can put some newspaper down on the floor and repot your houseplants. Obviously, look up just what these beauties need to flourish. You want to do it right, so make sure that you're armed with all the information you need. But, the smell of wet earth and the feel of the loam beneath your hands will do wonders for cabin fever as well. Do it once a year and you'll find that your plants benefit as much as you do.

Doing these simple and practical things can help bring springtide into your life even when the crocuses haven't quite peeked up yet from the snow.

Passing messages along.

2008-01-31T18:11:00.000-05:00

I'd use my new format for posts, except this is to some extent a reposting as well.

I've several dear, dear friends who are exceptionally gifted psychics. Stargazer is one who just happens to have a particularly close relationship with me. It seems like when ever I miss a message from the spirits, they let her know and it gets back to me some how. That said, this post is in part an effort to forward the message on and a reminder to myself to verbally convey it as well.

This is from Stargazer:

"She needs to tell Dave to be more careful. It's already dangerous enough, and he's getting reckless. There has been enough."

Yay, I'm running an online business!

2008-01-27T12:45:00.000-05:00

So, I've been working on making a little money with my Tarot reading. I finally finished the website for the on-line business. Gods willing, I'll be successful and bring in a little bit more money to help out with the financial affairs here at home.

It does bring to mind the long debate that I had with myself over things like if I am acting in something of an improper way by selling my services. I'll post some of my thoughts on that front when I have a bit more time, however.

Here's the website, dear reader, enjoy!
http://cydira.tripod.com/cydirascards/

medication & psychic gifts (reposted)

2008-01-27T12:43:00.000-05:00

As you may have seen in my earlier post, I am on antidepressants and I'm psychic. This isn't the first time that I've been on these. While it may seem odd to some folks, I can't help but say that the foods and medications that I put into my body do have an effect upon my psychic abilities. I could see some of the skeptics say that what I think is my intuition telling me something is wrong would prove a mere case of indigestion, but that is a different topic altogether from what I'd like to discuss.

As a psychic and a kitchen witch, I recognize the necessity to keep close watch over your health and well being. If I'm not healthy, I can't use my skills to their fullest potential and I can't exactly do well in "mundane" areas. {Now, all y'all who are psychic, can you please point to where the "mundane" areas are, because I can't seem to find any? ;) } That's just a matter of common sense. When we get sick and need to take medicine, we know that it affects our bodies and they obviously affect our minds. Cold medicines and pain medications will carry warning labels that one should not operate heavy machinery. Other medications warn us to limit exposure to direct sunlight and then we're advised to maintain a diet that doesn't include alcohol.

These are but a few examples of a list that's far longer then I think even the pharmaceutical companies realize detailing the effects of medications on our bodies and concerns we need to keep in mind. Even herbal remedies can have side-effects and these are things we need to keep in mind also. For example, if one were to use foxglove tea, they'd need to take great care not to introduce other things that place strain upon the kidneys and liver, for digitalis is generally fairly hard on those organs.^* All of this said, what exactly can we say is the effect of medications on our psychic abilities?

As I look back over the years and consider this question I have a few things that I need to note. Perhaps others who have psychic abilities can contribute their thoughts here, so we can clarify this matter to some extent. I have found that narcotic medications for pain and medications to induce sleep generally tend to inhibit my psychic abilities. The narcotics seem to have the strongest effect, generally serving to "shut off" just about all of them.

The SSRIs that I have taken for anxiety and depression over the years all generally served to slow down how quickly psychic impressions come to me. The one that does this the least also appears to be the only one that has successfully worked in helping me with these problems.

Most herbaly based remedies for pain (such as raspberry tea for menstrual cramps) don't generally affect my psychic gifts.

I'm certain there are more but I can't think of them at the moment and my son has decided that he's finished his nap. When I recall more, I'll post on them as well.

*The use of Digitalis purpurea should be only under the supervision and guidance of a skilled herbalist and with the consultation of a licensed pharmacist and medical doctor

The Beloved and the Betrothed

2008-01-08T00:27:00.001-05:00

Waxing Ice Moon, sign of Gemini
Weather unseasonably warm (just short of record breaking highs during the day) and cloudy

*****

Some may question how love fits into the life of witches. For some witches, their relationships are monogamous and for others they're polygamous. Social pressure around us frequently encourages us to remain in monogamous relationships.

This will be completed at a later date.

Secular New Year vs. Samhain, Witch's New Year

2007-12-30T09:14:00.000-05:00

Oak Moon
Waning (age: 20 days), in Virgo
Weather: mild, low clouds, expecting some rain or snow

******

For many witches, Samhain (Oct. 31, also known as Holloween here in the US) is the beginning of the new sacred year. Much like the Jewish Rosh Hashanah, Samhain is a time for one to focus upon the past year and introspection, as well as making plans for the new year. While in the Jewish tradition, work is prohibited and attendance at temple, with contemplation of the liturgical texts appropriate to the holy day is required, it is a bit different in witchcraft.

Yes, many witches hold circles and will engage in boisterous celebrations. Some will hold somber rememberances for the dead and others will engage in the merriment that overtakes the rest of the community in a glut of candy, chocolate, and hijinks, Samhain can have many different ways it is celebrated. Within my tradition, Samhain is both a time for merriment and a time for preparation.

A long, long time ago, Samhain was approximately during the time of the last major harvest of the year and the culling of the herds. This time was a time of mixed emotions because the approaching winter brought great apprehension even as there was joy that the labors of the year were nearly over. This time of mixed emotions does persist into the modern era, though it doesn't fall on Samhain as frequently now.

Now, the date of Dec. 31st is the one where we culturally have our time of merriment and apprehension. We bid the old year good bye, celebrate the coming year, and find ourselves plagued by the uncertianty of the coming year, in addition to being troubled by lingering fears of the past year.

Here, on the verge of the secular New Year, I realize that Samhain has come to me late this year. It fell on the secular New Year, rather then the Witch's New Year. I find myself relieved that the burdens of the past 12 months are finally passing, but I am also concerned for the burdens that will persist as well. I am filled with deep and speechless joy, gratitude, and wonder for all of the special and truly amazing things that has happened this year, such as the birth of my son. I feel hope for the coming year and also anxiety.

In this, I realize that I must bid the year good bye in a way that banishes the past fears and plans for the coming year. At Samhain and at the secular New Year, many people light bonfires. These fires are lit generally for the pure pyromaniac joy of watching something burn. Oh sure, many people talk about how these fires are symbolically bringing in the warmth of the summer or some such rot like that. But let's be honest, 99% of the people who light fires on New Years and Samhain are doing so because the fire looks cool. Not saying that symbolisim is bad, but there is such a thing as reading far too much into something.

That rant aside, I believe that I'm going to do some variation (obviously much smaller) of a bonfire. It may only be a candle, but this flame will be used to symbolically consume the old year's dross. I think I may also do a little ritual to reinforce my goals of the next year in addition to this, I haven't decided yet. But I recognize that I need to do this, which brings me back to what I wanted to say earlier but I think I did a terrible job of doing.

It is important to take at least one day out of the year for us to recognize where we have been and where we'd like to go. This is what the holy day of Samhain is for in my tradition and the way that I try to view the secular New Year as well.

Crisis of Faith Redux

2007-12-20T11:19:00.000-05:00

Oak Moon
Phase: First Quarter (Waxing Gibbious, age:10 days)
Position: Taurus
Weather: Seasonably cool, mild warming trend bringing temps to slightly above freezing, high thin clouds, light precipitation, minimal wind

**************
I've been having an old dream again. It's not exactly a nightmare, though it does have many of the elements of my nightmares in it. Usually, I do fairly well interpreting my own dreams. This one, however, has had me stumped for quite some time. I asked a friend of mine to take a shot at interpreting it and he suggested that it was indicating that I was experiencing some type of a crisis of faith.

That discussion happened a few days ago. As I have been trying to puzzle it out, because it does make sense for some reason that I wasn't able to define, I've been struggling with the pulls between the demands of being a new mother, a housewife, and a businesswoman. In all of this, I've been failing to place sufficient emphasis on my spirituality. Indeed, I've been stretched out too thin and spending more time spinning my wheels rather then doing all of them with the measure of success I could be doing.

I've been treated for postpartum depression. They were talking about having me on anti-depressants for at least a year. I recall how anti-depressants play with me after a while and the risks of dependence upon those things is high enough to make me uneasy. I've weaned myself off of them and am doing alot better then I was when I was diagnosed with the postpartum depression. Now, it's just feeling overwhelmed and inadequate. I can't use postpartum depression as an excuse for my shortcomings. That problem has been resolved, even if the others around me choose to disagree with me on it.

No, I think I have figured out where that crisis of faith is. It's not in the sense of what religion I practice. It's not exactly that kind of crisis of faith, so much as it is a crisis of faith in my self. It's a realization that has me looking at everything that's been overwhelming me with a new perspective. It has forced me to admit that I've been afraid that I can't do all this at once. Looking back over the last several months, however, that is what I have been doing. I may not have been doing it well, but I have been managing a juggling act of a fairly large proportion well enough that my home is not a pigsty, dinner is usually on the table at a reasonable hour, my family is generally happy and healthy.

And this has been in the face of my problems with postpartum depression and feelings of inadequacy. The postpartum depression didn't cause those feelings, though I'm sure some one reading this may decide to suggest that. No, it served to make me aware of it. Much like the difficulties I had in my pregnancy served to make me aware that I need to be more compassionate towards myself and take better care of my health. These things are fairly gentle wake-up calls from the Universe.

I know what practical things I need to do to get all of this anxiety under control. I also know what I need to do to find the root of the problem and resolve it. I may not like doing these things, but they are part of the reason why I began practicing witchcraft and the reason why I returned to it. As such, I suppose Samhain came late for me this year, falling closer to the secular new year then the witch's new year. Such is life, though.

A Yule Meditation

2007-12-18T19:43:00.000-05:00

Oak Moon
Phase: Waxing Crescent (in the sign Pisces, 8 days old)
Weather: Seasonably cold, high thin clouds and occasional lake effect flurries
**************
This is reposted from another blog of mine, it was originally posted yesterday, hence the above notation reflects this.
**************
Soon, it will be Yule. Some people think of this season as a depressing time of year and others think of it as a joyous one because of all the boisterous holiday celebrations that surround us. Having been raised on a farm, I found that the winter was a time of rest and preparation. We took time to make plans for the spring planting and to relax with family.

The rush and effort of the harvest behind us, we had some time to enjoy the fruits of our labors and to engage in more indoor persuits. My father spent a good amount of the time, when I was a girl, doing things like making models with my brothers and I. He worked at the food processing factory across the county, but when he was needed on the farm his work day didn't end until late at night. In the winter, however, he didn't need to trouble himself with worry if a tractor needed some repairs or if the hay baler needed more wire.

Then, we spent time doing things like stargazing in the icy cold nights and having snowball fights on saturday afternoons. Intermixed with the happy memories of my early childhood, I have more sorrowful ones. Such as the last christmas with my great-grandmother Hazel, whom I adored, and how she didn't recognize me. Or the winter that I was repeatedly abused by a boyfriend I had in highschool, to the extent where I found myself in fear for my life on a semi-regular basis.

Here, as I find myself on the threshold of midwinter, I can not help but feel thankful for all of those experiences that have lead up to where I am today. Some will burn in my memory as bright flames of joy, like the rush of excitement I felt when I saw Halley's Comet thru my grandfather's old telescope one December night many years ago, and others will be pangs of sorrow, like the memory of that batch of butterscotch great-grandma Hazel and I shared after my 3rd grade christmas concert.

Winter is a time for us to slow down, to turn inward and take stock of where we are and where we'd like to be. Just as we may plan out the flowerbeds or the vegetable patch for next spring's planting, we can plan out where we want to be come next winter. And in all of it, remember, it is good. We've all worked hard to be where we are, even if it didn't feel like it. And we are all wonderful people, so that work has borne good fruit.

Dreams

2007-12-15T11:32:00.000-05:00

Oak Moon
Phase: Waxing crescent (age - 5 days)
Sign: Pisces

Weather: seasonably cold, high cirrus clouds, no precipitation and little wind.

*************************

At one point, I had taught a dream interpretation class. This was a few years ago and many people felt that it was quite helpful to them. It is ironic, then, that I have a difficult time interpreting my own dreams. I generally don't worry too much about that minor glitch, I figure if I'm one of the lucky few who can actually read their tarot cards for themselves, then I shouldn't feel too badly about difficulty interpreting my own dreams. Even so, I admit I feel a great deal of fustration.

Recently, I have been having an old dream reoccur on a somewhat regular basis. A few weeks of insomnia concluded with this dream returning to me. Now, it's been a few nights of my having this dream and it's beginning to bug me. I know there is a message buried in it, and I suspect that my friend who helped me out some with interpreting it is right.

Perhaps this dream is indicating that I have some form of a spiritual conflict that I'm struggling with. It relates, I think, back to a few other conflicts that I've been struggling with that, ironically, deal with some dreams of mine.

With the birth of my son, one of my greatest dreams has been fulfilled. I am a mother. It is a blessing that I had yearned to have for a long time. With my marriage to my husband, another one of my dreams for my life has been fulfilled. The same is true with the completion of college a few years ago. Now, I find myself in a very uncomfortable position.

There are elements of past dreams that I have abandoned all around me. My dream of being a novelist rests on a small pile of floppy disks, a file folder of research, and three different versions of a manuscript. My dream of being a teacher is bound up neatly into a portfolio collecting dust on a shelf next to one of the versions of my novel manuscript. My dream of being a spiritual leader and teacher is scattered about with my different divination tools, books, and related items thru out my home. And there is some other thing that ties these different threads together that I feel present but I am afraid of.

My spirituality has been a very important part of my life. It is what has guided me and prompted me to take stock of the importance of my nightly dreams. They are messages to me from my soul's deepest recesses. Now, I find that I am struggling with a deep fear of a dream that I never felt worthy of. Even as I struggle with it, there is something pulling me forward. I can fight it, or I can swallow my fear and move forward on my own.

Either way, I believe the answer lies in my dreams.

Preparation for Yule

2007-12-02T22:41:00.000-05:00

Snow Moon
- Phase: Waning
- Position: Virgo

Weather: cold, cloudy, freezing rain immanent;
currently winter-storm warnings in effect

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Today is the first day of the Christian season of Advent. They prepare themselves for the Second Coming of Christ and the celebration of His Nativity, Christmas.

Today is also a part of the wildly insane holiday shopping season. A gross orgy of consumerism and surfeit that makes the sweet tooth of the secular celebration of Holloween look ascetic. To say that I am repulsed by the secular celebrations of the season is to be committing a great understatement. I loathe and abhor the vast majority of the secular celebrations of this time of year and of several other holidays. It is not because it is a subtle programme of state sponsored conversion taictics (as some of the neophytes around would have you think) or because it is some deeply buried secret wish that people would celebrate the birth of Jesus (as some of my detractors may try to convince you).

No, my repulsion of the holiday season (because let's be honest, they don't call it the holiday shopping season, do they?), is because it encourages people to denegrate others for the sake of their immediate gain. Objectification is the problem, to be precise. I have an infant son whom I do not want to believe that there is any time of year that it is permissible to reduce other people to mere objects, playthings that should accord themselves to his whims. The message of this season, unfortunately, is just that.

"Oh, you're being a Scrooge!" some may cry, but I ask if I truly am? Let's take a step back and look at what we are inundated with starting as early as midsummer. (Yes, you did read that right, Midsummer! Some of the stores in my area were in the process of setting up their Christmas displays in July.) Many, many messages are imparted that if we are to show our affection it must be done with things. Our degree of affection shown is gaged by the expense, trendiness, and generally approved societal value of the object.

Men are exhorted to give their wives and female signifigant others exorbitantly expensive jewelry from the "right" stores. Women are chided to give the men in their lives insanely expensive televisions, new tools, and similar gender "appropriate" gifts. Parents and all adults are functionally ordered to purchase for their children every and any toy on the market for their age group and the latest cell phone/gadget produced this month. People are told to remodel their homes, refurnish the living room in the latest styles, and generally remake themselves into the season's latest image. All for the sake of showing affection in the correct way and to present the correct face to society for the holiday season.

Now, some may ask where the problem lies in all of this. We can all refuse to engage in these ludicrous acts of wanton financial suicide. We, however, are told subtly that we're not good enough if we don't enter into these foolish acts. We are told that we are not valued if the people around us don't engage in this ritualized stupidity. And children are repeatedly told that they are of lower status and value if they are not catered to and given all they desire. Why are we told these things, because of the subtle whisper of what is not said, but implied in all of these ads.

This is what repulses me of this time of year.

So, as I prepare for Yule, I intend to steel my heart against this onslaught. And in such, be annealed and strengthened against future efforts to strip my value by the words of others.

Housekeeping and such.

2007-12-02T22:21:00.000-05:00

Well, for those of you who may be looking for my other blogs relating to the Sapience Ring, they are no longer available.

As the Sapience Ring group is now inactive, these blogs are no longer required. The materials taht were published on them are available via email at request. I will be updating the forpat of this blog and posting some new information.

Past entries will remain as they currently are, but future posts will resemble the format that I use for entries in my own journals. If this format is difficult to follow, please let me know. I'm trying to make this as easy to read and update as possible.

Sorry if I have caused any inconvenience and thank you for reading!

Motherhood and the Goddess

2007-09-13T20:39:00.000-04:00

It occurs to me as I sit here with my infant son sleeping on my lap that the Goddess as Mother is a popular image that never really gets viewed with depth. Oh, people have waxed poetic about it. I have done so. But no real thought of Mother is there, just (for the most part) the romantic image of Mother. Now that I am a mother, it occurs to me that that romantic image really is a horrible disservice to mothers if not a disgusting lie. It's like the Angel of the Home stereotype of the Victorian Era. It may look sweet and comforting, but it really is a gloss over a confining concept that is built on assumptions that can cause a great deal of harm.

I can't really comment much on the process of birth. I can say this, what I felt of labor before the pain medications kick in, it is not a serene experience. Anyone who tells you this has not been in labor. I wasn't at the point of hard labor when the pain medicine kicked in and I was experiencing pain that was approaching the level of what I did with appendicitis. There's a lot of other little details like this that people just gloss over when they think of motherhood and the Goddess as mother. No one wants to consider the idea of a Goddess that's crazy because of hormonal instability as her body's adjusting from being pregnant to not being pregnant, in addition to the wackiness of the hormones for nursing.

No one wants to think of a Goddess who is cranky because she was up half the night with a baby who was crying. No one wants to even remotely consider a Goddess who is suffering postpartum depression. Nor do they want to think of a Goddess dealing with the grimy niceties of something such as dirty diapers, spitting up, or a sick baby. Or a Goddess who's half deaf and aggravated by the baby who's shrieking on her shoulder because of painful gas and is squirming around so much it's difficult to burp them. The list just is endless.

People want the chocolate box image of Mother. They want the woman holding a peaceful baby, looking deliriously happy and dressed beautifully. They want the Angel of the Home with a bit of June Cleaver thrown in. This romanticized image of Mother is not real. It makes it a lot harder to be a new mother when you've got that image held up of how things should be. Let's not even consider how it would compare at the larger level of the forces of elemental creation.

I have upheld that the Goddess as Mother is Chaos itself. Some say I'm crazy for doing this and that the people who revere Chaos are fools because it invites it into their lives. From what I have experienced thus far, however, nothing makes more sense. The daily tasks of raising a baby are going to be chaotic and the patterns that emerge are going to be like those of a fractal. I'm not going to claim that I know what I'm in for, but I think that I can say that I need to meditate on what Mother would do in situations that have me taxed to the end of my wits. After all, there is no more inventive solutions then the ones that arise out of necessity.

Thoughts on 'foundational' qualities.

2007-05-25T16:38:00.000-04:00

In many occult traditions (Wicca and Witchcraft are but one of them.) there is a set of foundational qualities that are upheld as important. In the zeal of attempting to classify things by their elemental associations, we find the following qualities ascribed alternately to each element depending upon the mood of the persons whom we are speaking to.

These qualities are:

To Know
To Will
To Dare
To Keep Silent

While I don't usually ascribe to much of what has been upheld as 'ancient' tradition in most arenas of modern witchcraft, I do have to confess this is a point that I have a difficult time arguing against. My interpretation, however, may leave many of my contemporaries in a state of aghast shock.

To Know
This quality is immensely valuable. You need to have some kind of concept of what you are doing. This can hold true in the occult or in the mundane matters that we deal with. Knowing what you are doing and what you are working with also calls for one to value education and the processes by which a person acquires knowledge. The trait to know also requires that we value wisdom and experience.

To Dare
I don't know where to begin stating something on the matter of courage. And that, my friends, is what the trait to dare is all about. Courage is a special quality that we should all work to cultivate in ourselves. I'm not saying that we should act foolishly and do reckless things because we're going to prove how brave we are. It is a trait that allows us to stand up and do what is right when the prevailing social forces are against it. It is also the reason why people can act as heros in the face of harrowing instances. Courage can be found in all areas of life.

To Will
One may have difficulty with this particular concept. Goodness knows I did for a long time, and then it became clear just what exactly is being discussed here. It is our ability to choose to act that is highlighted here. It is as simple as the definition of the term. We choose how we respond to situations, even if it is not a fully processed and weighed decision to act. We decide to be alive everyday. With sufficent concentration, one could make their heart stop beating. One could take a deliberate action to end their life at any time, some of these actions seemingly accidental. We decide not to take the actions that end our lives, thus we choose to live. We will ourselves to live. This is but one of many choices we make during the day.

To Keep Silent
Some choose to say that this little trait is a vestige left over from the Burning Times. If you have learned anything of me thus far in my bits of writing, you will have learned my opinion upon the Burning Times. I may actually write something more cohesive on that at some point. This trait, however, is not discussing some need for secrecy or to take a vow of silence. It is extolling the virtue of discretion. We do not generally bandy about our bank account numbers for any one to read. We keep information that must be secure close to ourselves and quiet. The same is true for our occult knowledge because it is a deeply personal knowledge. We may choose to share with others what we know, but it is a calculated sharing that is always limited in some fashion to keep us safe. This is what is being extolled in the quality of silence referred to here.

Now, one may wonder why I am musing on this little matter. It occurred to me this afternoon following a conversation with a Seeker into the Craft that these four 'virtues' of the occult are highly valuable but not for the reasons that so many uphold. And the interplay between them is perhaps more important.

With knowledge, we can act on a situation and make an informed and rational decision. The action taken will require, as all actions do, a measure of courage to risk the unknown. Discretion colors our decision making process and our actions as to keep us and our interests safe. This is true in all areas of one's life. Hopefully, my fellow witches and occultists will recognize this as well.

Thought on the Wiccan Rede

2007-04-05T16:18:00.000-04:00

I'd be posting some of my past meditations and musings upon the Rede but I wanted to first say something about my present thoughts on it.
...

The Wiccan Rede states:

Do as thou wilt an' it harm none.

It's a fairly simple statement that doesn't get much consideration by most of the Wiccans and Witches I encounter. Many of them view it as a replacement or a parallel to the 'Golden Rule' that they grew up with in their mainstream background. Many of these same Wiccans and Witches view my stance upon the Rede as inappropriate. It's as though they feel that the same rule set from Christianity that they were raised with should be applied outside of that belief system.

I was raised in an agnostic/atheistic household. My mother was a 'closeted' Witch for many years, choosing to inform me of her beliefs when I began to seriously study Wicca. My father's spiritual beliefs are generally agnostic, taking a very humanist and Stoic approach to life. The extent of my interaction and induction into the Christian worldview that seems to dominate the cultural and spiritual landscape of the USA was via a few trips to a Presbyterian Church with my grandparents, the book of bible stories read to me as a small child, and the different elements that are visible in the mainstream public.

Let me tell you, the version of Christianity that I learned through the mainstream public was rather horrifying and I can comprehend why some people view Christians as terrible people. That, however, is a different topic.

The Wiccan Rede is a nice phrase but it doesn't really serve well as an actual guide for action. It took me many years to modify it until the Rede fit the way I was raised. My view point is somewhat alien to the Witches and Wiccans who came to the Craft from a Christian background and I think it frightens them. The things that are known as "black magic" are not viewed as taboo by myself because "black magic" doesn't exist. The practices that are shunned as inhumane by many, such as blood magic and ritual sacrifice, are not taboo either. It's taken me many years of study and many years of thought to really reach this point.

The modified version of the Rede that I'm sure you have seen posted by me somewhere in this blog is the fruit of this effort. You are free to act in any way you choose. Your freedom to act in any capacity is limited by responsiblity. If your action limits the freedoms of another or otherwise cause them harm or damage, will result in a chain of effects that will eventually come back to you. If your action was taken with the correct motivations and intentions, you may beable to come away from the action with out too much damage or harm to yourself.

All of humanity exists for the same reason as any other species exists upon this planet. It is for the continuation of the genetic line and the species. Unlike many other species, we happen to be self-aware and capeable of abstract thought. As we have these interesting abilities, we can observe the effects of our actions and the actions of others, analyze them, and determine if they are beneficial to our ultimate goal. This may sound an emotionless and unspiritual stance for a woman who is a priestess of her faith to take, but it is a fact that can not be argued.

As (potentially) the most advanced species on this planet, we can understand that our destroying one portion of the food chain will eventually kill us off. We can understand that poisioning the water supply or the air will kill us off. We recognize that playing tag with multi-ton death machines (like semi-trucks or locomotives) is not a good idea.

The goal of religion is to foster the recognition of these kinds of things. The goal of religion is to encourage people to grow and develop mentally (and perhaps spiritually) so that they can take full responsiblity for their actions. It is only by accepting responsiblity that we can truly appreciate the benefits that our freedoms have.

This, accompanied by the stubborn insistance upon truth and honesty that I have, is quickly marking me as a heritic in the rising tide of mainstream Witchcraft. Many people ask me why I no longer identify myself as Wiccan. The reason why I no longer identify myself as Wiccan is because the mainstream Wiccan movement is no longer focused on what the goals of religion are. I name myself as a Witch because I am a heritic, a practitioner of the 'dark arts', a wise-woman, and an individual that operates at the fringes of society.

The Wiccan Rede and so many other elements of Wicca have been distorted from the orginal teachings. It doesn't help that many of the teachings themselves are distortions of other teachings and fabrication by the early occultists of the last century. I have been finding myself encountering vast degrees of rejection for my demand that this fact, the true history of this faith, be recognized by the leadership of the community.

So, the next time you look at the Wiccan Rede when it is bandied about by some neophyte Witch, don't assume that all Witches believe it. Some of us actually have a deeper theology then the Momma Goddess and the Daddy God want us to all play nice.

Musings on Action and Growth (8/18/01)

2007-03-16T16:19:00.000-04:00

The purpose of life is to live and to grow, that is all. Ecstasy is the feeling of life and the love that is the depths of it. Growth comes from challenges, pain, and healing. My sense of self must be diverse and multifaced for me to be healthy and to survive/thrive in an often hostile world.

Breath is the first step of action. It centers and focuses us. It allows us to flow. Motion is the second step of action. It is the breaking from stasis that make is possible for us to flow. Flowing with our action is the third step. It is flowing that allows us to reach stillness in action. Stillness is the fourth step. In stillness, do we breathe.

Truths from Meditation (1/22/03)

2007-03-16T16:13:00.000-04:00

It is vital to remember that all life is sacred in all its forms. Thus, you are sacred and important. Be compassionate to yourself; you are failable, but the wise accept their limitations. Do not punish yourself for past errors, percieved or real. Accept them as part of the learning process, forgive yourself, and move forward. If you change the past, you lose the good and the bad of today. Do not sit and worry about tomorrow, for you are wasting today. We have no influence over the past and we've yet to create the future, therefore, forcus on today.

Religion is built up in layers. The first is our actions. The second is our attitudes. The third is our thoughts. Finally, we have our spirit. To be balanced, we must maintain health in all these places. It is only with blance that we can plumb the mentaphysical depths of any religion.

Past Musings on the History of Wicca/Witchcraft

2007-03-16T15:56:00.000-04:00

(Orginally dated: Jan 21, 2003; untitled)

Wicca draws very heavily from the Celtic peoples, though our knowledge of them is quite limited. The name Celt is an anglicized spelling of the Greek term Keltoi [translated as wanderers]. They appear in the pages of European history with the recording of economic transations between a band of these people and some Grecian traders in the area of Macedonia. Interestingly, at the same time, the legent of the Amazons surfaces. Is it possible that these ferice women warriors were the women of the Celts that lived in that region? It was with Caesar's Gallic Wars, that we get some picture of Celtic society.

(Orginally dated: Jan. 22, 3003; untitled)

The structure of the Celtic society has frequently been compared to the caste system of India. I do not believe this is how the Celts lived. The secular structure had the peasantry at the lowest rank, the artisans next, followed by the warriors. Above the warriors, there were the nobles. The religious groups were in some respects above the nobles, but mainly they were separate. Slaves and prisoners of war were non-entities, propoerty and devoid of virtually all rights.

The religion of the Celts and the organization of this religion is perhaps one of the biggest mysteries surrounding this ancient people. Caesar's documents present the druid as the religious leader of the community as well as a powerful magus. Since the Victorian period, societies calling themselves durids have emerged, frequently basing their organization on the Roman texts, medieval literature, and faulty archeology. What can be said with certianty about the historical figures of the druids is the following:

Druids were teachers, judges, and priests. They officiated at major religious fucntions and ceremonies. Within the community of druids, there were both women and men. The organization of druids can loosely be described with the Ovate at the lowest position, the Bard second, and the Druid at the highest.

The Celts were polytheists, though our knowledge of their beliefs are limited. Their culture placed a powerful emphasis on honor and community. In many respects, they resemble their Germanic/Teutonic contemporaries. Many of these cultural elements persist in the modern Celtic sub-culture.

The ceremonies and practices of modern Witchcraft, as presented, strongly resemble the practices of the Catholic church. My practices are more simple. Prayer, work to aid those in need, and acts of compassion are central. Living in harmony and with respect for all life is a central tenant. My rule is to act with responsiblity, compassion, and honr. More often, this correlates to the Wiccan Rede and/or the Witch's Law of Three as espoused by most traditions/sects of Witchcraft.

Magical practices are forms of prayer, tools to be widely used, or the exercise of an inborn talent. A house blessing, for example, is a prayer, while a banishment is a tool, and scrying is the exercise of a talent.

Changes in the near future

2007-01-12T23:22:00.000-05:00

This is just to inform you, there will be changes made to some of the content here and to the lay-out in the near future. :)

Thanks and have a great day!

Discordian sermon - There is no Justice.

2006-11-18T10:30:00.000-05:00

There is no justice in this world aside from what we create in it. Causial systems such as karma are artificial constructs that attempt to impose justice upon the universe's unfeeling chaos. Where is the justice for the marmoset eaten by a preditor or the bird robbed of it's nest? There is none because all is lawlessness unless we impose it. Beat the dingo for each marmoset it eats, you will stop it from eating marmosets. But you will have done injury to the dingo and deprived it of it's food source, perhaps a greater injustice.

It only make sense that our lady Eris's daughter is Dysnomia, Lawlessness. In time, we may even see the fundamental laws of our universe proven false and that matter or/and energy are actually being destroyed somewhere-in this universe, or something else equally Lovecraftian in it's implications. But in the face of this horrible truth, more hideious than any that may have been revealed thus far by the Good Reverend Roger, there is hope.

Eris came to me in a vision and held up Genghis Khan's dirty laundry, more specifically his Mickey Mouse boxers (only old school Mickey on navy blue silk in a diaper pattern will do for god's Scourge). On this fabric was written a message:

Your righteous indignation is good. It is right and proper. Go forth and bring justice to the world. If you were to live as animals you would not be men but apes.

You require order to some degree. Get over yourselves. You're hard wired for it for a reason. If all were nothing but chaos, the universe would never have cooled to permit matter. Get over it and get to work.

I was then thrown into consciousness to deliver this.

Discordian sermon - Heart of Fire, Soul of Ice

2006-10-27T22:47:00.000-04:00

SOME say the world will end in fire,
Some say in ice.
From what I’ve tasted of desire
I hold with those who favor fire.
But if it had to perish twice,
I think I know enough of hate
To know that for destruction ice
Is also great
And would suffice. - Robert Frost

So, which are we dying from as a world? Is it from the fire or ice?

Fire burns is a state of activity. It is a high state of entropy. It throws change off and starts it in other systems like some form of an agressive virus. It breathes, feeds and reproduces via sparks. We could say it is alive.

Do you have fire in your heart? Is there passion there that runs through your veins? Emotions are powerful and frightening, like a raging fire. But they can warm us on those cold nights and serve our needs. They can be a powerful source of inspiration that brings beauty, life, and change.

Or, is it cold in your heart? Is there ice in your soul? No, not in your heart. In your soul, for it's a pain that runs deeper. The ice is such that it would freeze the blood and blends the world into shades of frost and winter. We lose the emotion and passion, finding apathy and depression that is so vast and deep that there is only oppressive weight and silence.

Ice does not move on it's own. It does not dance. Ice does not change on it's own. It constricts and traps other things in it. It can serve our needs, but ultimately, does it truly?

I ask you, my friends, do you have fire in your heart? A pure burning passion that leaves the world aflame and consumes you? Or is it ice that leaves a river of cold air in your wake, freezing the world about you?

I struggle with the frost as it creeps over me, but my heart beats with fire in my blood. I am free, though I may not always see it. May you all be warm in the cold night, and when the frost attempts to settle upon you, let passion free you.

Mourning your past

2006-09-01T01:34:00.000-04:00

As we work with our shadows, we find that we need to mourn the things in the past that hurt us. Some times we need to express our rage as well. These poems are the fruit of such things, written a few years ago.

Screaming
No!
No more! No more blood, no more pain!
Make it STOP!

Heaving groans
Pained tears
All I think is of the years
Years forgotten
Years lost
Stolen from me
By his lust
Oh if I could curse you
If I could lay a bloody mark
On your lying, bitter heart
All I think is of the start
Start of star crossed love
Start of painful words
Start of cursing body, flesh and bone
All by the touch of your hand
I'm burnt, you're the brand

Don't hurt me! Don't touch me, you lying wretch!
Leave me be, let me sleep.
Oh gods, give me peace.

I wished to die
Those days with you
And now that time is thru
Still I find I want to weep
I want to cry
I want to curse this heart
For loving you

How can I hate
He that I loved?
How can I forgive
The crimes he cast?
My flesh is spurned
By holy eyes
I'm whispered to be the cause
Of his crime

Why am I punished and he is fine?

What did I do? I never lied to you.
I never cheated, stole, or insulted you.
It's not my fault! What could I do?

Moaning
Oh Goddess
You weep with me
The skies open with cold rain
Yes, you weep with me

My blood is cursed
My body razed
Like a sacred temple
The invader broke in
They tried to take the sacred

Oh Goddess
You weep with me
The skies open with cold rain
Yes, you weep with me

I am your scared priestess
I, the wounded
The bleeding, the weeping,
I bear the message of pain

Oh Goddess
You weep with me
The skies open with cold rain
Yes, you weep with me

Melting

Reposted: Dark night of the soul 3 (2003)

2006-09-01T01:27:00.000-04:00

There is a plethora of authors who reference the work of CG Jung. I have also made reference, based of the information that I had available through those authors and my classes in Psychology. I didn't realize just how little information was given to us in those classes or just how little the authors explain of Jung's theories until I sat down and actually read his theories as recorded by a graduate student that worked as his assistant for several years. As I read Jung's theories, I discovered that much of what he presented in his theories coincides very closely to Freud and I was forced to disagree with his idea of how the psyche is constructed and how it functions.

I realized that much of what was presented by the current authors in the Wiccan and Pagan community is a combination of excerpts from his work that make some sembelance of sense when they stand alone. When the concept such as the Archetypes is taken in the context of the whole of Jung's theory, it presents an almost disturbing image of the mind as this teeming but stagnant pool of sludge. Jung essentially argues that we're controlled by base instincts and our higher mind is but an illusion that we use to placate ourselves and fool others into thinking that we're at a higher evolutionary status then animals. It is a concept that deeply disturbs me and strikes me as implicitly flawed when one recalls that Jung was one of the founding fathers of cognitive psychology.

Many of the contemporary Wiccan documents point to texts such as Leland's Aradia, The Witch's Rede, and the work of Robert Graves (ex. The White Goddess). As I read Leland's Aradia and I researched that particular text, I discovered that Leland had a history of plagarism and large portions of the text were fiction that Leland invented to palace between excerpts from an obscure Italian opera that he plagarized and botched renditions of early Tuscan mythology of Diana and Apollo. The often quoted "ancient" text of The Witch's Rede is actually Doreen Valentine's frequently plagarized poem, a modern text written to express her beliefs. It was the discovery as to Graves's work that I found most disturbing because his work influenced a very prominant anthropological theory and a foundational concept of Wicca.

In an autobiographical note by Graves, he states that the entire work of his book The White Goddess was fiction. This book has had an enormous impact on the literature of the Pagan movement in the United States, at least. It also may have been, with Jung's theories, a part of the concepts that gave birth to what I've come to call the matrifocal Golden Age myth. This is a modern myth that has unfortunately been upheld as anthropological fact where there is no basis for such an argument. It is argued that the people of the LaTiene period (the late Neolithic period of history) lived in a matrifocal/matriarchal society that worshiped a Great Goddess. The introduction of the God came with the Aryan Invasion, as well as the shift away from the idyllic agrarian culture.

Unfortunately, anthropological and archeological evidence does very little to prove the societial elements of this myth. At best, it is inconclusive and delegates the necessity for one not to commit to one theory for the sake of progression in the research. An utter lack of written records makes it virtually impossible to determine with a signifigant measure of certianty that the theological elements of the myth are correct. It's impossible in the light of this very simple fact to say that Wiccans or any other form of the Craft has an unbroken lineage from this period. We simply don't know what happened in that period of history, until we do, one can only say it is possible.

How can one build a religious system on the foundation as unstable as this? And this is before we consider the early figures of what one might call modern witchcraft, such as Alexander Gardner. Many of the individuals involved in the mystery cults that were becoming popular during Gardner's literary career were known charlatans and frauds. Some had severe psychologial illness, such as Alister Crowley. Going back before these individuals to the mystery cults of the 1700s, there is an increase in the numbers of unscrupleous individuals involved in these groups. Also, these mystery cult members were staunch Christians who were using the language of the cults for the sake of expressing political and ideological concepts that were potentially very dangerous.

Ceremonial magic was more a tool of showmanship then serious study at that point in time. The fact that the majority of the Founding Fathers of the United States were members of the FreeMason's society were because of the fact that the FreeMasons were the elite's political hiding place. Their expression of liberty and freedom were couched in the pesudo-religious terms of the mystery cult and thus escaped the detection of the Crown.

All of these things combine to place me in a very uncomfortable postion. Do I continue to believe as I have in the face of what I learned, willfully rejecting the truth before me? Or, do I start my spiritual search over again at square 1, feeling angry at the lies that were touted as truths?

It is a difficult question to face.

Reposted: Dark night of the soul 2 (2003)

2006-09-01T01:25:00.000-04:00

I'm not sure how to approach the questions that currently are before me. These questions are profoundly simple, and yet very complex in their implications. I suppose I should share with you all the research that I have recently been engaged in and the results that I have found thus far.

Recently, I've been attempting to track down "primary documents" that the major authors in the Wiccan community uphold as their sources. This has been an interesting task and has lead to quite a bit of interesting reading. Unfortunately, I find myself very shaken in my beliefs because of the unstable basis that I have uncovered in my research of the body of literature available to a student or practitioner of Wicca.

I noticed that many of the contemporary authors will cross reference each other. It fills up quite a bit of white space, but it doesn't really give the source of the concept that is being present as fact when these authors lead you on a search of 50 to 60 texts to start getting to references that are outside of this group of authors. Interestingly, this cross referencing happens the most within the authors published by Llewellen.

Eventually, I found myself getting to authors that referenced earlier texts and drew from them for information. This lead me initially to the work of the late Joseph Cambell. Several authors, I found, drew very accuractely from his interpretation of mythology. Others, however, seemed to list his name and what they wrote had little, if any basis, in his work. Then I found myself lead to the late Victorian texts of anthroplogy, history, and mythology.

As a student of history, I am aware that much of the Victorian standards of research in these fields were based on how many people you can impress and just how shocking could you make the tale. Like the Wicker Man and gruesome human sacrifices that are now part of the stereotype of the practitioners of Druidism. It makes these texts very poor sources. Also, the heavy taint of the Victorian baises makes it virtually impossible to accurately recreate some of the materials they presented in a method that could possibly be in accordance with our more stringent and exacting modern standards of research.

This, combined with the excessive verbage of several authors, made these works very difficult to read. Unfortunately, I found myself in a position where I had to diregaurd many of the Victorian source documents as historically or anthropologically valid as discussions of an earlier period of time because of just how flawed the information presented was when compared to current re-examinations of these documents. It was very fustraiting, because viertually all of the authors that I read relied heavily on several Victorian historical texts and texts on mythology.

Reposted: Dark night of the soul 1 (2003)

2006-09-01T01:24:00.000-04:00

Dark night of the soul ...

First, I must say greetings to you all. It has been quite a while since I was online, and there has been quite a bit happening in my life of late. Much more then I can state here, but I am glad to be back. I apologize for my long absence.

Now for the point of what I hinted at in the subject line. St. John of the Cross described a harrowing experience as the Dark Night of the Soul. Now, I find myself in the mist of perhaps such a harrowing.

It is as though I have become lost on my very own path and hidden within a cloud of confusion. As I have continued my research into the history of Wicca and the promanent authors that have generated such a vast body of literature for us students to use, I have found that much is based in falsehood and half-truths. I'm finding myself thinking that a bald lie is better then a half truth right now, because I am so shaken in my beliefs.

I now do not know what I can say I believe, or if I truly do believe in anything. If anyone else has experienced such a... saddening and bewildering experience, please share it with me. I know a few things I can hold as truths, but the things that I thought were spiritual truths have been shown to me as lies.

Few things have shaken me as this has. I am thankful that I have learned that what I was using as a basis of my beliefs were not true, it has kept me from doing harm. Now, I don't know where to go.

An argument with Sirus Brightstar (3)

2006-08-30T23:03:00.001-04:00

Blood magic

Quote:

Originally Posted by cydira

2. You state that the primary focus of rituals where in an animal or person are offered in sacrifice is not the flesh but the blood. What evidence can you present to support this argument? Is this the result of your personal experience in performing sacrifice? Is this statement the result of your study of such acts?

As I am not of the same perspective as you, Sirius, I must adapt this question as follows:

What is the primary focus of rituals involving the sacrifice of the body and bodily components?

What I have been able to determine via study is:

1. The use of the bodily components (blood, hair, nail clippings, etc.) of another person can tailor the spell being worked to action specifically upon that person.

2. The use of blood in rituals has a high affinity for agressive magic because of the cultural association placed between these. If the practitioner overcomes the culturally conditioned association, the use of blood in agressive spells has little if any conclusive differences compared to the use of blood in non-agressive spells.

3. There is a high degree of affinity between the use of bodily components in magic and all forms of magic that has an effect upon the body. This appears to be by virtue of what they are.

4. The use of animal or plant sacrifice in rituals focusing upon humans is inconclusive. Inital results make me inclined to state that it detracts the practitioner from focusing upon the person and should be replaced with poppets.

5. The use of bodily components in any form of magic is not the factor by which the success of any given spell is determined by. That is the focusing of the practitioner's mind upon the spell. The use of bodily components are only useful as props and aids to focusing the mind of the practitioner.

6. The primary focus of spells wherein bodily components or bodies are used is not the components of the spell but upon the stated goal of the spell.

An argument with Sirus Brightstar (2)

2006-08-30T23:03:00.000-04:00

[quote=*SiRiUs* Bright_Star;2762523]Yuli: you seem to know much about backwards societies and cultures...

One final note on Yuli's argument and your response to it, Sirius. Archeological evidence and anthropological studies have repeatedly proven this argument.

Sacrifice means sacred. The term is misunderstood by killing an animal or person. And yes, the flesh is not the offering when making rituals... but the "BLOOD" (bodies and blood are sacred things to evil spirits).

I heard screamings yesterday evening.

As my sarcasm has been branded as offensive by several individuals, I will refrain from responding with sarcasm to your statement "I heard screamings yesterday evening." I will say, however, that this statement makes no logical sense and does not support your argument. As such, it is disregarded as a non-sequitor. I have already addressed the terms sacrifice and sacred.

To your statements specifically regarding blood magic, I ask:

1. What experience do you have in performing blood magic, non-specific to ritual or lack thereof?

2. You state that the primary focus of rituals where in an animal or person are offered in sacrifice is not the flesh but the blood. What evidence can you present to support this argument? Is this the result of your personal experience in performing sacrifice? Is this statement the result of your study of such acts?

3.You state "Bodies and blood are sacred things to evil spirits." If what you state is correct, then the deities pertaining to healing and sexuality (to name but a few) are then evil spirits and not deities at all? And I presume that by logical extention, any and all rites involving bodies, blood and potentially all other bodily fluids or components are evil as well? Thus the tantric practices are evil, not to mention any and all non-sexual practices that focus upon the body, bodily fluids, or bodily components. As well as any and all non-ritual and non-religious magic focusing upon these things?

Your blanket statement leads one to logically conclude that the only form of worship and ritual that is not evil would be in denial of the body and it's components, if not oppressive to those who engage in worship practices praising such things. I sincerely hope that you are not promoting such a mindset and worldview. This would be most unfortunate, as it is the precice perspective that many accuse Christianity of having and have begun practicing pagan beliefs to escape.

I am assuming that you would inturn demand that I answer my own questions to you, there by proving the grounds I have to challenge your statements and any authority with which I am speaking. As such:

Quote:

Originally Posted by cydira

1. What experience do you have in performing blood magic, non-specific to ritual or lack thereof?

I have roughly a decade of experience performing magic that includes, but is not limited to: necromancy, blood magic, aura and energy manipulation, earth magic (the use of gems, stones, and soil in ritual magic), roughly 17 different forms of divination, sympathetic magic (using poppets, photographs, and items belonging to the person in question), vocal incantations, fire magic (the use of flame and the act of burning in ritual magic), and vocal incantations.

My experiences in blood magic have included:
1. Ritual blood sacrifice
2. Non-ritual blood sacrifice
3. Ritual bodily fluid sacrifice
4. Non-ritual bodily fluid sacrifice
5. Animal sacrifice (lethal and non-lethal)
6. Human sacrifice (non-lethal)
7. Insect sacrifice (lethal)
8. Sympathetic blood sacrifice
9. Sacrifice of plant sap and material

I include the sacrifice of plant sap and material under the heading of blood sacrifice as they are the bodily components and fluids of another lifeform. The lethal animal sacrifice was a non-ritual event, tied to the use of a mousetrap and intended to banish all mice and vermin from the premise of my home. The insect sacrifice was that of mosquitos for the purpose of removing them from the premises where in I live and reduce their attentions where I travel. I have personally been the "victim" of a non-lethal human sacrifice multiple times. I also have been the supplicant of a non-lethal human sacrifice. All blood magic and magic involving bodily fluids I have participated in, I also contributed to.

Aside from my personal experience, I also have studied the use and execution of ritual practices involving this form of magic for several years. I have reviewed multiple anthropological studies discussing this matter, dates of these studies ranging from the early 19th century to within the last three years. I also have reviewed archeological studies of these ritual practices for Western Europe, specifically the regions of the Hyberdies isles and places populated by the Celtic and Germanic tribes. I've been endevoring to also deconstruct the mythology of these peoples to understand these ritual practices, among others.

This is where my authority upon this subject comes from.

My findings upon the matter of these ritual practices are presented in my next post.

An argument with Sirus Brightstar (1)

2006-08-30T23:02:00.000-04:00

Quote:

Originally Posted by *SiRiUs* Bright_Star

Yuli: you seem to know much about backwards societies and cultures...

I'm rather amazed, if not horrified, by your elitist attitude. "backwards societies and cultures" you say? Sirius, I must ask you, who are you to determine the validity of a culture? Upon what grounds do you hold the right to judge other ways of life? Am I less of a person if I engage in worship practices different then your own? Am I some form of social burden for you because of this? The attitude about "backwards societies and cultures" was the same attitude used to justify bigotry, slavery, opression of indigenous cultures, and genocide around the world.

For a person who would present themselves as an enlightened individual, I find such statements of utter ignorance and blatant arrogant hostility to be offensive.

Quote:

Sacrifice means sacred. The term is misunderstood by killing an animal or person. And yes, the flesh is not the offering when making rituals... but the "BLOOD" (bodies and blood are sacred things to evil spirits).

I heard screamings yesterday evening.

The origin of the term sacred is from the Middle English word sacren which means to consecrate. This word is derived from the Latin word sacrāre (to devote) that is a derivited of the word sacer (holy). The definition given for the word sacred is:

Quote:

Originally Posted by [URL="http://dictionary.reference.com/search?q=sacred&x=0&y=0"

Dictonary.Com[/url]]
1. devoted or dedicated to a deity or to some religious purpose; consecrated.
2. entitled to veneration or religious respect by association with divinity or divine things; holy.
3. pertaining to or connected with religion (opposed to secular or profane): sacred music; sacred books.
4. reverently dedicated to some person, purpose, or object: a morning hour sacred to study.
5. regarded with reverence: the sacred memory of a dead hero.
6. secured against violation, infringement, etc., as by reverence or sense of right: sacred oaths; sacred rights.
7. properly immune from violence, interference, etc., as a person or office.

Sacred is an adverb, a term used to modify and describe a verb or noun. Now, when we look at the term it is derived from (holy) we find the following definition:

Quote:

Originally Posted by [URL="http://dictionary.reference.com/search?q=holy&x=0&y=0"

Dictonary.Com[/url]]
–adjective
1. specially recognized as or declared sacred by religious use or authority; consecrated: holy ground.
2. dedicated or devoted to the service of God, the church, or religion: a holy man.
3. saintly; godly; pious; devout: a holy life.
4. having a spiritually pure quality: a holy love.
5. entitled to worship or veneration as or as if sacred: a holy relic.
6. religious: holy rites.
7. inspiring fear, awe, or grave distress: The director, when angry, is a holy terror.
–noun
8. a place of worship; sacred place; sanctuary.

This word is also derived from Middle English, the term holi. This is a more "modern" derivitive of the Old English term hālig which is a varient of the compound word hāleg. Which is comprised of the word hāl (whole) and the ending -eg (The equivelant of adding -y to a noun, thus turning it into an adverb.).

You may be asking why I've just delineated the origin of these two words and presented the definition. The reason is because in neither of these words, or in the synonyms presented (which does include the colloquial usage) for these terms on Dictionary.com (or in my copies of the Unabridged Webster's Dictionary and Oxford American Writer's Thesarus) is the word holy or its derivitive, sacred, presented as sacrifice. Now, when we look at the word sacrifice, we find:

Quote:

Originally Posted by [URL="http://dictionary.reference.com/search?q=sacrifice&x=0&y=0"

Dictionary.Com[/url]]
–noun
1. the offering of animal, plant, or human life or of some material possession to a deity, as in propitiation or homage.
2. the person, animal, or thing so offered.
3. the surrender or destruction of something prized or desirable for the sake of something considered as having a higher or more pressing claim.
4. the thing so surrendered or devoted.
5. a loss incurred in selling something below its value.
6. Also called sacrifice bunt, sacrifice hit. Baseball. a bunt made when there are fewer than two players out, not resulting in a double play, that advances the base runner nearest home without an error being committed if there is an attempt to put the runner out, and that results in either the batter's being put out at first base, reaching first on an error made in the attempt for the put-out, or being safe because of an attempt to put out another runner.
–verb (used with object)
7. to make a sacrifice or offering of.
8. to surrender or give up, or permit injury or disadvantage to, for the sake of something else.
9. to dispose of (goods, property, etc.) regardless of profit.
10. Baseball. to cause the advance of (a base runner) by a sacrifice.
–verb (used without object)
11. Baseball. to make a sacrifice: He sacrificed with two on and none out.
12. to offer or make a sacrifice.

In the very definition of the word sacrifice is the inferred reference to the destruction of animals, people, plants, or property. Indeed, there is two references to destruction. Please note the 2nd definition of the verb as used with an object and the 2nd definition of the noun. The specific destruction of animals, people, plants or property is a compound definition comprised of the first and second definitions of the noun form of the word sacrifice or the use of the first definition of the noun and the second definition of the verb with an object.

The origin of the word sacrifice is descendent from Latin by way of Old French and Middle English. The Latin term is the compound verb sacrificium. It is produced by the combination of the term sacer (holy) and a conjugation of the verb facere (to make).

Now, as we're not discussing baseball but rather matters of religion, I ask you, how is the use of the word sacrifice in conjunction with blood magic incorrect? Is your objection to the use of the word sacrifice (which is related to holy, thru which related to the term sacred) to describe something that is not a religious act? For if this is the case, I refer you to the inferred definition for the word sacrifice as seen by combining the second and third definitions of the noun. This covers the useage of the word sacrifice with respect to blood magic.

Please, Sirius, be so kind as to illuminate which definition of the word sacrifice you are using. As the word sacred is not the definition of the term, as illustrated above.

I shall adress specifically your statements with regards to blood magic in my next post.