Pagan Blog Project: E - Elves

Waning Gibbous Sap Moon (Age: 17 days)
Sign: Libra
Weather: Clear, seasonable & light breeze from the west
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Ah, elves. Also known as fairies, the good folk, the fair ones, and pixies (to name a few). These nature spirits are known throughout the world by different names and are of as wide of a range of personalities as people. Most of the people that I know who are not pagan tend to view elves as the quaint diminutive servants of Santa Claus. Others who are a bit more bookish will think of Tolkien's elves. If I'm lucky, I run into some folks who are mythology geeks and are familiar with some of the old stories about these interesting spirits. (Alas, I am not as lucky as I wish to be on that front.)

My approach to elves is colored by my spiritual education. I was weaned on the myths of the Nordic people, predominantly those surrounding the Aseir and Jotuns. Usually, the Aseir were presented as the good guys and the Jotuns as the bad guys. Aside from this, we had the stories of the brownies and similar spirits from the British Isles thrown in for good measure. It made for an interesting hodge podge, especially when a dollop of Iriquoi mythology got thrown in.

I approach the elves with caution. The spirits of the land and that which lives upon it can be fickle. They are reluctant to deal with humanity because we have moved our awareness away from being in tune with nature. When you happen to begin interacting with them, strange things start to become common place. Things randomly going missing and then reappearing in odd places becomes normal. Gifts appearing on your doorstep or somewhere else that you regularly frequent, such as the perfect crow's feather or a stone that sits just right in your hand, starts to happen as you pay more attention to the care of the flora and fauna about your home.

As I said at the beginning of that last statement, I approach them with caution. I have no doubt in my mind that these spirits are powerful and have the ability to bless us or curse. I have seen what has come from being on the good side of these ancient beings and what has come from being on the receiving end of their ire. People who are loved by the fair ones seem to have a magic touch with plants and good luck. Those who are scorned watch as their very efforts to coax anything to grow wither on the vine, as though the plant itself has refused that incarnation. Bad luck plagues them and, for the truly despised, it can even manifest as a measure of illness.

The old stories speak of one being 'elf shot' when they are ill for no apparent reason and fail to recover until they have appeased the angry fae. I do not think these are just stories of illnesses that are poorly understood. I believe that buried among those stories of illnesses that were misunderstood there are accurate accounts of people who have been some how cursed by the fair ones. Given that there seem to be more accounts of people who have some how angered the fair folk then of people who have been some how blessed by them, I suspect that the fair ones are not as prone to tolerating human nonsense as certain Victorian authors would have us believe.

Do I have a relationship with the fae? Yes and I work very hard to make sure it is a good one. In part because I value their friendship and have found their company pleasant. The fae are very wise and can teach us a great deal if we are truly willing to learn from them. And, I admit, a fair dose of superstition has me cautious in my dealings with them. That, however, is part of how I was raised to approach them.

Our cultural background colors a great deal of how we interact with the local nature spirits. Some people talk of how hobgoblins and nixies seemed to have emigrated with the Scots, or other spirits with different nationalities. I'm not sure if it is because some truly did emigrate with families or if that was how those people understood the spirits they encountered.

Hail Flame Hair! Hail Scar Lip! Hail Loki!

Waxing (almost full :D ) Sap Moon (Age: 12 days)
Sign: Leo (soon to be void of course)
Weather: fair skies, mild
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I am positively giddy right now. After several days of spinning my wheels on what to do in contacting Loki, some excellent advice/instruction from ArtCat, and my picking up the pen again in His honor, Loki gave me a distinct message today.

He told me he wanted some cheap whiskey and onion rings. I don't claim to understand that but I am thrilled. I had missed his snarky comments and droll observations about things in my life. It was a palpable ache and rather distressing. It was, in short, excruciating.

Throw on top of that I had been having a bad couple of days in the more mundane sense, I was rather miserable. So, upon ArtCat's advice, I had taken up the pen and started writing in the devotional journal that I started a few months ago at Lopt's urging. I let my ego get in the way of that work. As ArtCat so excellently pointed out, I fell into the trap of treating Loki like Odin. As a result, I got the silent treatment.

As I was writing in the journal, I suddenly found Loki at my side. He was looking at me with a mildly exasperated look when I paused and muttered that I didn't like what I was writing. I then sighed and reminded myself that criticism such as that is more like Odin then Loki and I need to be more tolerant of myself. I actually said out loud "Stop thinking like Odin."

Loki laughed at that. All out belly laugh. I didn't think I was being hilarious but everyone tells me that when I'm exasperated, especially with myself, I am drop dead funny. Scar Lip seemed to think so. He then told me to write what he said. It was an odd experience to write out both sides of a conversation with him. I'm so used to just talking to him.

Flame Hair (who just giggled at my typo of 'Flamer,' I think he may not be sober right now, I honestly don't know) said that I needed to have reminders of our conversations. I guess that's what I'll be writing down in the journal for now. I've decided to stop trying to fight it. I'll just write what ever he puts in my head.

I still feel really self conscious that he wants me to write about the ugly things in my past. That, of course, is why he wants me to write it. He still wants me to get to know Sygyn. He insists it is good for me to know her. Loki really wants me to get past my fear and I think it's really great that I've got his support. (Who can't argue that you've got a really awesome supporter when a deity is in your cheering section? Certainly not I.)

It's funny in that unfunny way that he's being so patient with me as I try to sort out the psychological baggage and trauma. I get the distinct impression that he is, to some extent, handling me with kid gloves. I feel a bit embarrassed by it. He, however, doesn't care if I'm embarrassed or not. Loki does what Loki does, damn who ever the hell gets in his way. So, when I go 'but I feel stupid' he gives me a pat on the head and a look like what you give a child who so totally doesn't have a clue and are really struggling in their efforts to understand.

Did I mention this is a hit to the ego? Yeah, he kinda laughs at that too. Tells me that I'm not some scary monster and to stop feeling like I am. It gets awkward at times. When the Father of Monsters tells you that you're not a monster... you wonder is it a compliment, rebuke, or statement of fact. Given that I'm getting an annoyed look right now, I'm guessing it's a statement of fact.

Ah well, somedays I guess I'm more dense then I am on others. Still, Loki is talking to me again!

Psychology vs faith (aka i hate c-PTSD)

Waxing Sap Moon (Age: 9 days)
Sign: Cancer
Weather: Clear, cold & windy
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I sit here at the keyboard chilled in body and mind. The shawl I am wearing may warm me up physically but this psychological chill is harder to shake. I live with a myriad of psychological disorders. Until recently, it seems like they didn't have much of an impact on my faith and how I expressed it. Now that I sit and look at it, however, I must admit that they have run roughshod over an enormous part of my expression and put limitations on how I experience my faith.

For the longest time, the experience of a maternal Goddess was infrequent for me. Not because the Goddess wasn't maternal. It was because I tended to shut down when it happened. I dissociated, at best, or I panicked. Now this has spread to my relationship with Loki. This is very upsetting for me.

Loki is a father figure for me. He's a friend and close companion. To have it happen where I can't cut through the panic to hear his reply when I pray, it scares me. My spirit guides tell me that this is normal for someone who has borne as much trauma as I have. They tell me that this is temporary and it will be relieved soon.

One of the last messages that came clearly from Loki was that I should find someone to act as his mouthpiece. A person to facilitate a conversation between him and I. At the time, I said 'ok.' and then put it on the mental back burner because I was eyeball deep in nonsense with other matters. Now, I sit here and I realize that directive was in preparation for this time.

I don't know how long this is going to be. I hope it'll be only a few days. I didn't realize how much I bantered with him and I had come to depend upon his input until just now. He said it was to be for a conversation. I feel a significant amount of dread right now. I'm fearful that I am going to discover that the Loki I speak to in that conversation is going to be very different from the sarcastic, smartass and sincere Loki that I've come to know. That what I have experienced is not Loki but rather what I wished for Loki to be.

I hate this.

Pagan Blog Project: E - Epiphany

Waxing Sap Moon (Age: 9 days)
Sign: Cancer
Weather: Clear, cold & windy
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Epiphany is such a delicious word. It is not only the name of a high feast day in the Christian religion, but also the word we use for sudden intuitive understanding. It also is used to denote a manifestation of some sort, most frequently with respect to deity. When I think of this word, I smile. It just rolls off the tongue like a song, in my opinion.

It was an epiphany that lead me to where I am today. Sudden intuitive understanding that I could be far healthier and happier then I ever had been in the past set me on the course of healing the psychological traumas in my past. Visionary trances and similar experiences have happened to me and directed me in my expressions of faith. It is something that I think of and smile.

It is a beautiful experience that I sincerely hope that others may have as well. I can not think of anything more wonderful then a direct experience of the love of one's deity of choice. Every single vision that I have had relating to the gods has been an expression of that love. It is incredibly humbling. It is also so wonderfully beautiful that it literally moves me to tears.

After having the challenges of life leave me jaded, this infusion of wonder is like watching the first buds of green springing up from the earth. It is like the sweet smell of the sap running in the maple tree out in my front yard. It gives me a fresh breath of life and reminds me of all the wonder that is awaiting me.

Domestic Goddess & I

Waxing Sap Moon (Age: 8 days)
Sign: Cancer
Weather: Overcast, warm, high winds expected
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Over the last several days, I have been contemplating the idea of the Goddess as a domestic figure. Images throughout history have shown goddess figures engaged in domestic tasks. Indeed it was part of the mythology of the world's cultures to have goddesses who specialized in such things.

With the advent of Christianity, the Blessed Virgin Mary took up the cause of domestic cares in her iconography. Various saints have been ascribed to watch over everything ranging from weaving to house cleaning. Domesticity is nothing new in faith of any sort.

Indeed many images modern such as the one above from Eric Gill and in antiquity have shown this. It is a curious thing, then, that I haven't taken such an idea as a 'domestic Goddess' and incorporated it into the worldview that I work with. As I have made progress in my efforts to recover from psychological trauma, I am discovering aspects of the Goddess that I have neglected to consider in my efforts to flee from those aspects in myself.

It was a rather upsetting realization. I am learning, however, that the Goddess is not troubled by such things. As I learn to connect with her again on an intimate level, I am finding that I feel a strong pull to embrace images such as those of the knitting Madonna and such. It has been a learning experience.

I am finding that such images are becoming foci for meditation. And with meditation upon them, I am discovering aspects of myself that are intimately twined with them. It is as though I have opened Pandora's box to discover that instead of the fabled plagues and evils of the world, it contains treasures and great blessings. So, I am striving to keep the domestic aspect of the Goddess at the forefront of my mind.

It is for this reason why I keep my little wrist distaff and a spindle on my altar. It reminds me of her. It is also part of the reason why I am looking to incorporate a Goddess image into the decor of my kitchen. This way I can look and be reminded of her presence everywhere, including in myself.

Pagan Blog Project: D - Dynamics

Waxing Sap Moon (Age: 3 days)
Sign: Aries
Weather: Cold, windy, & light lake effect snow
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I've decided to participate in the Pagan Blog Project. They're working their way through the alphabet two weeks at a time. Currently, this is the second week for the letter 'D'. I'm going to be discussing dynamics.

The word 'dynamic' often brings to mind vitality, activity, and effervescent personalities. It also can be used other fashions. It has also been used colloquially to denote relationship paradigms. It is this colloquial usage that I am referencing. There are many dynamics of this sense in the world. Three big ones that we consider in metaphysics are:

1. Cosmological
2. Theological
3. Interpersonal

Cosmological dynamics revolve around the relationship between man¹ and the universe at large. The questions that arise in consideration of cosmological relationships are myriad. They range from the questions as to the origin and nature of the universe to the questions of moral consideration regarding man's actions in relation to the multifaceted elements that comprise the known universe. Indeed these questions are so plentiful that I can not begin to condense them in a single post, let alone as part of one. For cosmology is a complex philosophical topic of inquiry in its own right in addition to being a serious subject of pursuit in theoretical physics.

Now, one may wonder why I give consideration to cosmological dynamics. This is a very important part of the worldview of any given belief system. Humanity has questioned the nature of existence for as long as we have had the capacity. As such, we have created stories, theories, and cultural mythos to quantify, define, and explain what we observed. It is from this primeval urge to understand what we interpret from our senses that the foundational elements of religion are formed.

As Joseph Campbell so brilliantly illustrated in his work The Masks of God and as J. G. Frazer detailed in his The Golden Bough, religion arose from stories accepted by a people, then enacted as ritual dramas and shared with other people. These stories defined for the culture they originated in the answers to the philosophical quandaries that fall under the heading of cosmology. In Wicca, we have a patchwork cosmology. Our stories are varied and highly eclectic. Nowhere else is this more visible then in how we delineate our relationship with the divine.

Theology and divinity² are twin academic pursuits that attempt to describe that relationship. Experiential knowledge of the godhead³ shapes subsequent theology. There are two ways that this knowledge can be accessed. One is by way of personal revelation. The second is by way of analysis and reason.

The major religions of the world are predominantly based in revelatory experiences that happen to a given person (commonly referred to as a prophet) and then disseminated amongst the population of a culture. In the Abrahmic faiths (Judaism, Christianity, and Islam), the revelatory experience happens to a patriarch who then shares this with his children. This eventually extends to others who have adopted the belief system. Authenticity of the revelations are based upon comparison to established canon. Disputes as to the veracity of a given revelation are what has given rise to conflict between these related faiths and within each respective belief system⁴.

Wicca lacks a body of work to be upheld as canon. For some individuals, this is argued to be a weakness of the religion. Quite frequently, these people argue that Wicca as a comparatively young⁵ religion lacks the validity of history. This argument fails to consider the influence of historical religions upon modern Wicca. Additionally, the cellular⁶ nature of Wicca places greater emphasis upon the individual's experience versus that of the community. It is this highly individualize nature that makes it difficult to collate and assess the collective knowledge with respect to the nature of the godhead and how man relates to it.

This forces a neonate to adhere to the maxim⁷ from the perennially popular Charge of the Goddess because they can not rely upon other sources. Covens assist neonates in exploring their relationship with the godhead, but they can not provide full revelation of it. This is a stark difference from religions such as the Abrhamic ones. There, the community at large has defined the collective and individual relationships one has with the godhead. There is a body of work upheld that one can compare their experiences to and thereby attest to the veracity of what they have had revealed to them.

For Wiccans, they must deal with the murky waters between mystical revelation and possible madness. We must continually ask ourselves if we are being genuine in our activities towards the godhead. We must continually assess within ourselves the veracity of what has been revealed to us throughout our mystic experiences. This requires a mature understanding of ourselves and our limitations. It also requires that we be ever honest in our dealings on the theological front. Duplicity serves no good and can quite possibly hinder our efforts to deepen our person gnosis.

This brings me to my third point of consideration, this evening. Interpersonal relationships are tricky things. Throw religion into the mix and they become volatile at times. This is where the other popular maxim⁸ upheld becomes a useful consideration. Individual freedom is highly prized by Wiccans. This cherished quality does often get a bit of humor when one attempts to organize a group of Wiccans to do something (the phrase 'herding cats' comes to mind). Individual freedom is essential to Wicca. While some would wish to establish some sense of orthodoxy for Wicca, this would deprive this religion of its appeal for a great many of its followers.

The fludity of Wicca allows for this faith to embrace all types of people and all types of worldviews. It is a strength of this faith for it to be so accessible to individuals. For each 'fluffy bunny' that one encounters who seems to espouse random platitudes with a beatific, yet empty smile, there are countless serious practitioners who strive each day to deepen their knowledge of themselves and the world. Paramount to this faith is respect for that individuality that gives Wicca its strength. As such, many Wiccans strive to conduct themselves with utmost respect for each other and all life about them. As a religion that is frequently panenthistic and pantheistic, this is only a natural outgrowth of such worldviews.

At the core of all the dynamics we witness at play in Wicca is this respect. We honor each other, the world, and the godhead. With this, we ensure our continued liberty and growth.

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1. I am using the term 'man' in the classical sense of referring to all of humanity. This is simply a matter of convention. No implication of patrifocal leanings are intended.

2. I am using the term 'divinity' to pertain to the study of the applied theology of a given religion. This is a minor departure from the typical usage, which to discuss this academic exercise with strict respect to Christianity.

3. I am using the term 'godhead' as a gender neutral term for the genderless paradoxical All commonly understood as God or Goddess. Aristotle defined this as the Prime Mover.

4. I recognize that there are many other major factors that are at play in the state of affairs between the Abrahamic faiths. For the sake of simplicity, I am focusing only upon this particular aspect.

5. Wicca, from an anthropological perspective, is argued to have arisen in its contemporary format with Gerald Gardner. The existence of the New Forest Coven which the late Mr. Gardner was initiated by has been the subject of some academic debate. This blog's position upon the debate is to withhold supporting either side until evidence is presented to conclusively prove one or the other.

6. Autonomous individual groups (covens) of practitioners operating with only loose social connection to each other.

7. "And you who seek to know Me, know that the seeking and yearning will avail you not, unless you know the Mystery: for if that which you seek, you find not within yourself, you will never find it without." (from Reclaiming's website)

8. "An ye harm none, do what thou wilt" ~ proverb

Progressing forward on my path.

Waning Hunger Moon (Age: 20 days)
Sign: Scorpio
Weather: Fair, light breeze, seasonably cold
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I had a conversation with my Aunt, Rev. Wolf this evening. She's a very wise woman and I respect her highly. Like most of our conversations, I came away having learned something new. I also, in the midst of the conversation, had more of the things that I am being called to do clarified.

I am not sure if I am technically a member of the Church of the Ancient Paths. I believe I am, but it is something that will be clarified in the near future over the course of conversations with my Aunt, who is clergy. She's fairly certain that I am considered a member. This is actually an important thing because I have felt called to minister to the needs of the community, thereby serving the Goddess.

It is much easier to do so with the backing of a church. This can be accomplished either as part of an outreach program done by the church or in seeking ordination. It is the latter that I have felt called to for many years. Like in the case of my wearing a veil, I was fearful of doing so because I feared recriminations from my extended family. This, however, is a child's fear and I have put it aside.

In wearing the veil and making the changes to my dress that are in accordance with my genuine nature, I have continued the commitment I made about a month ago. That commitment was to be fully myself. This means not only expressing my personal sense of style and tastes in everything from music to the accessories I wear, but heeding the nature of my spirit and the direction that the Goddess propels me in.

It has been a big step internally. Externally, it has only a small number of changes that can be observed right now. As time passes, I know that more details will be revealed. I am in a state of transition. As I shed the outmoded forms of the past and reveal the brilliant light at the core, I expect some people will be delighted and others will be disturbed. This, however, is not why I am doing this. It is essential to the health of my psyche and spirit.

I'm tired of holding myself back because of what others might think or say. I'm tired of denying these parts of myself because it is not convenient for others. I'm tired of continually holding back my self expression because it is not 'normal' in the eyes of the family I grew up in. It is long past time for me to say "This is who I am. And I am wonderful because of it."

All I ask is that the Goddess grant me strength to continue forward and to break the barriers between myself and what is healthy for me. I've lived in fear for long enough. It is time for a new chapter in my life.

Fall & Redemption Theology: My Opinions

Full Hunger Moon (Age: 13 days)
Sign: Leo
Weather: Unseasonably warm, clear
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I've been reading about the modern Collriydian Filianic churches. I figured out what about their theology that doesn't sit right with me. It is their espousal of a fall & redemption theology. It is my understanding that humans are not born with a fatal flaw, which one would argue is the most accurate description of the infamous Original Sin doctrine. Original Sin holds absolutely no place in my understanding of humanity's relationship with the divine.

It is my understanding that we are all born innocent of any crime against nature or the gods. There is no criminality in drawing breath or being born of a given lineage. Arguments that we are all some how criminals (because sin is defined as crimes against god) by virtue of our birth are nonsense because it utterly fails the moral culpability test.

I prefer the idea that we are born in a state of innocence and as we grow, we become capable of establishing a relationship with the divine that is more complex . It is with this increased complexity that rules are laid out for the relationship and sin, the act of breaking said rules, becomes part of the picture.

It would as foolish as someone declaring that a newborn child is guilty of theft because they are breathing 'someone else's air'. No one can claim ownership of the air. It simply is there. It is our nature to breathe. It is a monstrous act of inhumanity to declare that the act of existing is criminal. And it is my understanding that the doctrine of original sin, where ever it is espoused, is criminalizing the act of being alive. I find this disgusting, demeaning, deceptive, and detrimental to establishing a genuine relationship with one's deity of choice.

Synchronicity or Sign?

Waxing Gibbous Hunger Moon (Age: 9 days)
Sign: Gemini
Weather: cloudy, cool but still unseasonably warm
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My depression is making a comeback. A part of me says I should just chalk this up as a bad day or possibly some sort of premenstrual hormonal fun. Looking at my mood for the last several days, however, I'm finding my temper is growing shorter and my outlook on life is progressively turning bleaker. It is something that bears watching, though I still can't shake the feeling of apprehension that something ... unpleasant is waiting me on the other side of my counseling session tomorrow.

Now, one may wonder why I'm rambling about my psychological health. Two reasons for that, actually, one is because it's part of the constellation of things on my mind right now. Secondly, I am firmly convinced that our psychological health can directly influence our spiritual health. As I was confronted multiple times today with a sense of despair, I found myself questioning the authenticity of my spiritual experiences. It... It is distressing have sudden bouts of despair just descend upon me with out any real warning. It colors my view of just about everything in my life.

Strive as I may to counteract this, it is at times a relatively futile thing to attempt to do. So, I was sitting in the car, waiting to pick up the food that I ordered for Beloved and I to have for dinner when a fortuitous thing happened. Recently, I've taken to listening to the born-again Christian radio station. It's not out of any passionate love for Christ as much as it is less static then other stations and occasionally entertaining. As it happened, this was the radio station that the car was tuned to. I wasn't paying it much mind when the pastor speaking began talking about discouragement.

It was surprising. His teaching on discouragement was quite coincidental and focused upon an entirely different audience. At the same time, I found it to be helpful. I realized that in the midst of my efforts over the last several weeks, I had been becoming discouraged in several areas. Partly due to a measure of psychological/emotional exhaustion and partly due to my difficulty seeing where I was making progress in much of anything in my life.

The admonishment to pray when confronted with these feelings was like a light bulb turning on in a darkened room. Such a simple thing to do and yet... I hadn't even considered it an option.

Now, I know there are some who would argue this is merely synchronicity. Others would state that it was a sign that I should consider conversion to some flavor of Christianity. I contend that just as the Christian god is likely to use events with non-Christians to get a message across to Christians, so too is it likely that the goddess will send a message via unexpected sources to her people.

Is it a sign? Yes, I think so, but not that I should cast aside my religion. But rather, a sign that my goddess is keeping me in her thoughts and wants me to turn to her no matter how small and insignificant I feel that I am.

Kennings for Loki

Waxing Hunger Moon (Age: 6 days)
Sign: Aries
Weather: cloudy, heavy snowfall
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As someone who has something of a relationship with this particular deity, I do what I can to find kennings referring to him. Someone else has compiled a good list. I am sure that we can easily add to it. I would humbly add the following to this list:

Our lord of weirdness
Quicksilver tongued one
Deceiver of Fools

Having experienced him acting in such a fashion, it is my opinion that these kennings are fairly accurate. I also think that as time passes, I am probably going to wind up adding to this list. Laufey's Son seems to like when I try to creatively avoid mention his name directly. My efforts tend to get a bit of laughter out of him.

I don't think that's an entirely bad thing. After all, if the GODS can't laugh at something, then you know you're fucked.

Mark of the Goddess?

Waxing Hunger Moon (Age: 4 days)
Sign: Aries
Weather: Unseasonably warm, cloudy
with intermittent rain
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As I was driving home from dropping my children off with their aunt for the weekend, I had a vision of the Goddess. I also heard her say something very clearly to me. What she said to me was:

You veil and cover yourself to mark you as my daughter among the daughters of men.

My grace is upon my children, though man does not understand it. Some may say grace is upon you from their God. You know the source where it flows. What they say does not matter, only that you continue your work.

The vision, which was very brief, showed me the Mother. She wore a white gown, it looked to be made from linen. Over this, about her shoulders, she wore a mantle of blue. Her hair was hidden by a veil of pale blue, like the color of the sky at the horizon when the sun is at its zenith, shot through with silver. Over this there was another veil, this one white, that obscured her facial features, making them indistinct.

She held her hands out before her, as though she was pouring something from them. And from her hands poured light. It started out the color of honey and grew brighter as it came down. It fell upon the Moon and then upon the Earth. And as it poured over the Earth, it was white.

I was attempting to make sense of what this vision meant when she spoke to me again. (This being several hours after the vision and not too terribly long before I sat down here at the computer.) She said:

I pour out my blessings over the Earth for all children. I am a generous Mother and I give to any in need.

You are marked in your spirit as other are marked in flesh. Because your body can not take the needle and ink, your manner of dress conveys your status. Wear the veil to hide and protect yourself. Wear the bells to that the daughters of men may know you as you walk among them.

The timing of this is fortuitous and a wee bit unnerving. I had been lamenting (privately and inwardly) the lack of communication between the Mother and I. I had been flailing a bit and feeling unsure about myself as a priestess because I felt the absence of the early ecstascy that I experienced when I was new to the Craft and more open to everything. It wasn't something that I brought up in my prayers because, honestly, I felt that it was an issue on my end that I had to resolve. If that makes any sense to anyone reading this.

So, when she decided that she was going to say hello and put some of my concerns at ease, it startled me. It was like having someone turn the light on unexpectedly in a dark room. And suddenly realizing that you weren't alone in the room like you had thought you were.

Veils, shrouds, & shawls

Waxing Hunger Moon (Age: 4 days)
Sign: Void of Course
Weather: unseasonably warm & cloudy
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For years now, I have felt drawn to veiling myself as part of my spiritual expression. Just last night, as I was idly searching techniques for tying a headscarf, I stumbled on to another pagan who has a similar inclination and her blog post regarding it. It was incredibly reassuring to see that I wasn't too far out into the fringes with this recurrent urge. It was also just the little nudge I needed to begin acting in accord with it.

My thought was "Hey, I'm not the only one to feel this way! Awesome!" It was as though a weight just lifted right off me as I gave myself permission to do this. Growing up in a household that was extremely focused on propriety and meeting social norms for appearances sake, I was strongly encouraged not to act upon urges that took me to places aside from what was the most mundane. Even now, I have times where I struggle with my genuine sense of style versus what was foisted upon me.

Now, one may wonder why I'm talking about the clash between personal tastes of clothing styles and what is socially accepted as 'normal'. This is something that comes up when one adapts their manner of dress to something that is not completely run of the mill. When people mark themselves as different from the others around them, there are a few different possible reactions. Confusion, discomfort, and outright scorn have met me when I have moved away from the norm in the past.

This becomes even more complicated of a matter when one begins to consider religious expression. When dealing with a religion as decentralized as Wicca, one finds that there is no 'norm' for how to do anything. As a result, we tend to 'default' to the predominant cultural norms for dress and social behavior that we engage in the secular environment. Special dress for religious purpose becomes cumbersome when one is torn between maintaining a 'normal' appearance to ease their interactions with society at large and the urgings of their spirit. This is especially the case when one's faith does not have an 'official' dress code like in Islam.

Now, that I've rambled on in that direction, let's get to where I wanted to go in the beginning. That is, in short, how the three items I listed in the title of this post are important. Veils have been used for countless millennia for, among other reasons, to protect the sacred and set it apart from the mundane. The shroud has been used as a similar covering (aside from being a garment for the dead).

Shawls can be used in the same fashion. I do that often. When I feel a pull to wrap myself in a shawl, there's a lot of different reasons. Most frequently, it's practicality. I get cold easily. But, there are times where it serves to 'contain' spiritual energy. Or it serves to protect (at times from a purely psychological point).

I had more I wanted to say but it's drifted off into the aether. Right now, my youngest child is terrorizing the house. So deep thoughts are going to have to wait for later.

Mother Goddess & Mary

New Hunger Moon (Age: 0 days)
Sign: Aquarius
Weather: Partly cloudy, windy,
intermittent rain & unseasonably warm
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So I have a few things to ramble on about tonight. First, to all who are celebrating, I wish you a blessed New Year (as this is the start of the Lunar year). There are many cultures that celebrate this as the start of the year, thus I am not going to focus on just one culture over the rest. If you're curious as to who is celebrating this as the beginning of the new year, check out the link.

Secondly, I have another blog that I will be updating at the new and full moon for each month. I am not going to be mirroring the material here but I will link to it when I do make posts. There may be material that is discussed in both blogs, but I don't plan on that being the rule. As the web community that I have joined has a large population of neophytes and seekers, I will be making an effort to post topics friendly to someone just starting out in Wicca or witchcraft.

Now, to get to the point of this blog entry (which I'm sure you were eagerly awaiting LOL), I have been considering my relationship with the Great Mother and how she has been guiding me over the last several months. I don't believe it is strictly a matter of coincidence that I have been feeling a strong prompt to view the Blessed Virgin Mary as an avatar of the Great Mother or to incorporate elements of the iconography surrounding her in my shrine(s) to the Mother.

Images such as the one above have been catching my eye for a while. When I was considering converting to Catholicism, I felt a strong pull to a Marian devotion. (Sadly, I do not know who the artist is that produced the lovely image. If it is YOUR work, please contact me.) Even now, I feel something of a tie to Mary. My history with the Blessed Virgin is ... odd.

My first experience channeling was to serve as her mouthpiece to convey a message to a Catholic friend of mine who was experiencing something of a spiritual crisis at the time. The Great Mother for a time placed me in the care of the Blessed Virgin. (It was a time of much confusion for me and I truly believe that Mary watched over me during the times of crisis that came to me during that period.) My middle name is Maria, which at one point my Mom said was because of a song and at another time it was supposed to be in honor of Mary. (I honestly don't know which statement, if either, is correct. My Mom regularly made confusing statements about things like that.)

Now that I have returned to Wicca (several years ago, to be honest), I still am drawn to the Marian iconography. The images of the Blessed Mother holding her babe strike me as incredibly powerful images of the Great Mother. The majority of these images that resonate the strongest with me have her holding a child of indeterminate gender. Oddly, I find it reassuring that the Deanists (also known as the Children of Dea) uphold the iconography of Mary as an orthodox presentation of the Great Mother.

To see that others also find the Great Mother in this guise puts some of my anxiety to rest. It helps to ease the fear that I am simply driving off into wilderness and have little to turn to in the way of fellow travelers. (I recognize that this fear is a manifestation of other issues that I have been struggling with. I also recognize that the Mother is pushing me past these issues. Thus I must choose if I go along or get dragged. Either way, I am still going.)

A lot of other people within the pagan community have written about how the Marian iconography can be used for fostering one's relationship with the Mother. I am not going to waste your time with a rambling commentary on this when there are so many commentaries on this topic (some of them quite well written and others less so). I am instead going to talk about how the Great Mother has been guiding me down this path.

It started out with simply a desire to build a relationship with her. Somewhere along the way, I transferred the issues I have with my mother to my relationship with the Great Mother. This was something that brought me a great deal of anxiety, sorrow, and frustration. Where I had previously enjoyed a feeling of closeness with the goddess, I suddenly felt as though there was a great gulf between her and I. I realized then what others meant when the spoke of a 'fall from Grace'.

In my case, however, it was not an intentional act. I did not intend at any point in time to reject the Great Mother or to distance myself from her. Instead, my psychological illness ran roughshod over me and pushed me apart from virtually all maternal figures in my life, including the Great Mother. It was the realization that my illness was creating the problem that had given me the key to resolving it. For as I confronted and healed my illness, I would find it easier to draw close to the maternal figures in my life, including the goddess.

As I began grasping at proverbial straws for how to reweave the Great Mother into my daily devotionals, little things began to catch my eye and imagination. I do not think it is mere whimsy that has pushed me into a year long study of the Rosary and encouraged me to find a way to incorporate it into my practices. I do not think it whimsy or some sort of hubris that I have been surrounding myself with Marian images.

For a long time, the Great Mother presented herself to me as the mother aspect of Morrigan. Morrigan is a harsh mother. She has no time or patience with foolishness. She is not for the faint of heart. As a goddess of war, childbirth, and sovereignty, she holds her children up to very high standards. She rewards honest effort and exacts a terrible toll for those who dare to cross her. I sincerely believe this is why one of the men that had sexually assaulted me has since had problems finding even a prostitute willing to lie with him and erectile dysfunction. (It was amusing when he accused me of cursing him. I have never cursed any being, no matter how wrathful I've been with them. In the case of this man, I simply asked that justice be done. Mother Morrigan attended to it.)

Somewhere in the last two years, the Great Mother presented herself to me in an appearance close to that of the traditional Marian iconography. Mother Morrigan has somehow stepped back to allow this much gentler guise to come forward. I don't think it is out of some implication of weakness on my part. I believe it is because I am unwell and have need of gentler handling. Can Morrigan be gentle? Yes, of course she can. I have experienced it.

The Great Mother, however, has deemed that I am to experience her this fashion. It has done considerable wonders for easing the anxiety that I feel towards her. Where I feared that even the slightest perceived misstep would disappoint or anger Morrigan, this face of the Great Mother doesn't hold that terror for me. There is a subtle pressure against my understanding of motherhood from my perspective as a child.

The Great Mother is penetrating the defenses that I established much like a flow of water eases through limestone. It is slow, consistent, and subtle. The changes that are being wrought are for my benefit, which a part of me is bewildered by. I ask why she would care about me. And then Loki laughs at me and tells me to open my eyes.

At times, I see flashes of Sigyn. Oddly enough, she looks much like the face that closely resembles Mary. The dress is different but so very much is alike that it confuses me. And in that confusion, the Great Mother reached out and touches me. I am learning that confusion is not prelude to terror. I am learning that having someone 'mother' me is not a painful experience.

It is something that I think is going to deepen and grow more profound as the year progresses. And I am quite thankful for that.

In the Mother's Arms

Waning Wolf Moon (age: 26 days)
Sign: Sagittarius
Weather: partly cloudy, seasonably cold,
& occasional flurries
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I was meditating this morning. I was prompted by the Lady to write. What is below is what I had written.

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She has taken me in her arms like a child. I struggle and refuse to be consoled, yet she remains steady and loving. I face great sorrow and am indignant towards the cruelty I have suffered. Yet she continues to hold me and keep me close in her care.

The Mother does not wish us to be alone in our miseries. She yearns to draw us close to her breast and comfort us. It is we who push away like a stubborn, petulant child, overwhelmed by our emotions and blinded to the comfort she gives. Some of us live in that state of angst driven struggle, refusing even rest when we are weary. This is not what she wants for us.

It is when we pause in our flailing that we find true rest and comfort in her arms, even if it is for only a few moments. It is the wise who simply put aside their stubborn insistence that they must engage their sorrows with out rest. A moment in the Mother's arms may be a brief few minutes or it can be much, much longer, for eternity is but the blink of her eye.

I yearn to be comforted and yet I am restless. I struggle with myself and the old habits of self persecution, self-denial, and emotional self-neglect. I am a poor spokeswoman for curing such habits by pure force of will.

What is required of us is the sacrifice of the unhealthy, and this is not a task we accomplish alone. Just as the Goddess gives us comfort when we are struggling with sorrow, she gives us aid when we need it. Those moments of blessed good fortune and synchronicity are the signs that her hand is extended to shelter and aid us.

Just as other gods would build great things with their children, so to is the Mother. It is not manifest as the works of man in great temples and buildings. It is manifest in the changing of the culture to ways of sincerity, acceptance, and universal compassion. We have a long way to go, but she will guide us, as she always has.

The question of evil

Waning Wolf Moon (age: 20.1 days)
Sign: Libra
Weather: Bitterly cold, overcast with wind out of the west
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I've been considering the question of evil for many, many years. I say question because in my faith, there is no deity or demigod of evil. There is no creed that affirms the traits of the gods to be as the Christian god, omnipotent, omniscient, and benevolent. Is there cruelty in my gods, yes. But it is not malicious. It is very much so like the fate of the person who loses their home to a tornado. It is a cruel thing to happen but there is no moral judgment behind it.

Herein lies the crux of the question of evil, defining it. Some people say that evil is all form of suffering. Others say that it is to inflict suffering upon another with malice. Still others state that evil is to inflict unnecessary suffering upon another. I contend that evil can be defined as maliciously and deliberately inflicted suffering upon another being. I would further argue that there are two different categories of evil.

The first category is the suffering inflicted for the sake of suffering. Now, some people would argue that this is pure sadism. I have seen the benevolent face of sadism. It does exist. To call this pure sadism fails to consider the other variants of sadism that exist. It is when the suffering inflicted is done with out the consent of the victim. For the person who endures suffering willingly is making themselves part of the CAUSE of their suffering and become an active participant.

The second category is the suffering inflicted intentionally as part of an effort to create some type of effect. Think of the concentration camps of the Nazis. (Yes, I went the cheap route and invoked Godwin's law. It's the most recognized form of organized mass torture and murder, hence my choice.) These camps were created not only to inflict suffering upon people with out their consent but to achieve a larger goal, thereby bringing some benefit to the ones who are inflicting the suffering beyond the persecution of their victims.

Is the difference between these two forms of evil indicative of greater and lesser evils? Not really, evil is evil. There is no such thing as a lesser evil. There are different forms of evil, but the wise will reject evil in it's every form. Humanity has a talent for devising new forms of evil on a regular basis. It is something that sorrows me to see.

Is defending oneself from harm evil? No, it is a natural right. It is no more evil then fleeing from harm. Engaging in an unprovoked attack, however, IS evil and should be shunned. Do the gods engage in acts of evil? It is a distinct possibility but it is equally possible that they do not and we are misunderstanding their chaotic actions as evil, as harboring malice where there is none. To the fly that we swat, we may appear to be malicious and cruel when in actuality is was simply an action to halt the fly's biting into our skin. The fly's bite is no more evil then our crushing it with our hand.

Harm that derives from natural sources is unfortunate but a part of the experience of being alive. Evil, however, is the purview of humanity and similarly inclined spirits that are capable of the abstract reasoning that is necessary to produce it.

All of this, however, is simply my opinion.

Conversations with the Goddess #1

Full Wolf Moon (Age: 14 days)
Sign: Cancer
Weather: Seasonably cold, mostly sunny
& occasional flurries
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I have been having apparently an on going conversation with the Goddess over the last several days. A part of me says I should just leave this in my journal while another part says it should be shared, in case some one else is going through the same kind of experience. The italicized text is myself and the regular text is the Lady. I hope that this provides some measure of comfort to anyone out there.
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1/5/12

Holy Goddess, you call upon me to minister to the forgotten. You call me to develop prayers to open up the way of contemplation to the common man. You call on me to be a vehicle of your boundless love. I know I am blessed among your daughters. I remain constant in my faith in you despite the horrors and tragedies I have experienced in my life.

I am unsure where to begin in writing the prayers. You have shown me the tools you want people to use. You have left me unsure what name I should use to invoke you. You have given me great blessings and I feel self conscious asking for anything more.

Do you ever deny your child of the right to ask questions of you?

No.

Why, then, should I? Your mother was a poor mothr in many respects but never did she deny you your right to inquire.

By what name do I invoke you?

Mother or Great Mother is sufficient. Some see me as Mary or Isis. Some speak of me as Diana and others name me Dana. A thousand names may be given but they do not even begin to describe me. I am the Star Queen and the Death Hag. I am all these things and more. I am within you when you minister to the unfortunate and when you care for your children, for My children.

You are Mother even as you are priestess, seer, and mystic. You are my well beloved child in whom I am well pleased. I pour out my blessings like rain so that you may grow and thrive. So that you may share them with others. Ask simply when you are in need, with an open and honest heart, as a little child would ask. The Daughters of Dea know only me and reject my male half. This is not a flaw or error, but what they need. You see through to the truth. All things are of me and no man needs saving.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
1/8/12

[...] Is it hubris to keep back my pain in the hope to lessen the sorrows of the Mother?

What mother gives her child poison and claims it is good food and medicine. What mother does not weep at her daughter's sorrows and laugh with her joys. Ever have I celebrated you and praised you. And your kindness.

You fear me. I do not want this. I do not want your fear but rather your love. I want you to come unto me as a little child. You are a Queen in your own right, but ever on shall you be a little girl in the eyes of the Universe.

Invoke me always and keep my name on your lips. Celebrate your triumphs no matter how small. Show me your joys and treasures. Come to me for comfort in your sorrow and pain.

Do not feel shame for seeking comfort. I am your Mother and I love you. I could no more reject you then you could reject your own sons.

Lay down your burden. Do not fear. Simply be.

First post of the new Solar year.

Waxing Wolf Moon (Age: 13 days)
Sign of Cancer
Weather: Unseasonably warm,
cloudy w/ intermittent rain showers
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Ave, Dea Madre! Gloria Plena!

It is the eve of the Full Moon. I have strung a fifteen decade Goddess rosary. As I strung the beads, I prayed. It sits upon my altar now, after I have taken it out into the night and shown it (and my other personal prayer beads) to the moon.

I meditated upon the Mother. I prayed to the Mother.

My heart breaks for the gulf of distance between my human Mother and I. It isn't that she lives on the other side of the country or that there is some great physical distance between her and I. It is an emotional distance. One that I suspect she is beginning to realize is the result of her mistreatment of me.

As I sat and I prayed to the Great Mother, I thought back to the first, secret pregnancy. Even as I was terrified that I'd be forced to marry the monster that had raped me, I was thrilled to carry within me a little Life. When I miscarried, I was heartbroken. I kept secret my mourning.

As I sat and I prayed to the Great Mother, I thought back to the birth of my eldest son. I thought of the joyful anticipation and excitement I felt. I felt that I was truly one of the most blessed women in all the world.

As I sat and I prayed to the Great Mother, I thought back to the birth of my youngest son. I thought of the times when I wasn't filled with confusion and terror. In its place, there was a blessed sense of peace, gratitude, joy, and anticipation.

As I sat and I prayed to the Great Mother, I thought back to the argument between my mother and I that set off the chain of events that brought me to the current state of affairs. I was torn between the desire to simply pass off her words as braggadocio and the horror I felt that she had gone so far as to threaten small, defenseless children in an effort to manipulate me. I was torn between my love for her and doing what was just.

I find myself seized with the strongest urge to pick up the phone and call my parents. To just tell them that I love them before I go to bed.

Goddess help me, I don't know what the right thing to do is. Is it to reconcile with them or to remain distant? I pray. I meditate. I cast cards and throw runes. All things leave only that question hanging in the air. There is no sign either way, so I remain where I am at.

I feel on the verge of weeping. Even the Wolf's Father's kindness isn't penetrating this overwhelming sense of sorrow. I am doing my best to leave this in the Mother's hands, but I feel like I have cut out my beating heart and laid it bleeding upon the altar. I don't know if it is the altar of my conscience, the altar of justice, or the altar of the Gods.

I only know that I hurt and that I miss my mother, as crazy and flawed that she is.

Goddess Rosary II

On the terminal:

I believe in the Mother.

On the first bead:
Our Mother, the dust of whose feet is Heaven, holy is your name.
Your love come. Your will be done by Man as it is by Earth.
Give us this day our daily bread and teach us to forgive ourselves as we forgive others.
Lead us unto wisdom and deliver us from evil.

On the first three beads:
Hail Mother of All, giver of Grace!
Blessed are your Names, and blessed are we, your children.
Lead us now unto wisdom.
And comfort us at our hour of death.

On the fourth bead:
State first mystery (conception) and recite Our Mother (above)

Say 10 Hail Mothers while meditating upon the mystery.
Recite Our Mother

Repeat for remaining decades.

The Mysteries of the Mother
1. The Conception of Life
2. The Quickening of Life
3. The Transformation from Maiden to Mother (pregnancy)
4. The Suffering of Labor
5. The Triumph of Birth
6. The Suckling of the Child
7. The Growth of the Child
8. The Separation from the Child
9. The Transformation from Mother to Crone
10. The Mystery of the Great Mother (Goddess as death and bringer of rebirth)

A pagan rosary.

For months now, I have been doing research and study upon the rosary. I have examined the structure of the Catholic rosary. I have looked at and carefully considered the various pagan rosaries that I have found. I have even given careful consideration and study to the Goddess Rosary of the Daughters of Dea. They all approach something akin to what I feel pulled towards and called to do, but do not meet it.

I feel unworthy of the task of setting prayers to a witches' rosary. Even so, I find myself pushed farther down that path. Loki has remained silent upon this matter, stating that this is between myself and the goddess. Not a specific goddess, just the goddess. So, I must get over myself and give my best effort to begin crafting this set of prayers.

I have a set of beads. I have mysteries I contemplate as I handle them. I simply lack the prayers to recite. Here is my attempt. I am drawing off of the structure of the Catholic rosary and the Deanist rosary. I ask that any who wish to use these prayers to kindly do so upon one they have fashioned. I find it potentially offensive to take one fashioned for a Christian to pray upon and use it in this fashion. Offending deities or people who happen to be about you simply is rude.

On the terminal (this would be the cross on a Christian rosary)
I believe in the Goddess, Mother of all Life
I believe in the God, Father of all
I believe in the Nameless One, the unity of all that is in eternity*
I believe in the gods of my ancestors
And in the gods of my children

On the first bead after the terminal
Glory to the Gods, I believe in You

On the second, third, and fourth beads after the terminal
Hail, High Holy Ones
May your Names be blessed
Pour forth upon us wisdom
And guide us in Your ways

On the first bead after the medallion, state the mystery you are meditating upon
[For example: Conception and the time of beginnings] then add
Oh Nameless and Infinite One
Guide me upon my path
Protect me from evil
And ever remember me, your child

On the next ten beads
Hail, Nameless and Infinite One
Guide me to wisdom
and protect me, your child

On the next spacer bead, state the mystery you are meditating upon
[For example: Incarnation and beginnings] then add
Oh Great Mother of All
Guide me upon my path
Protect me from evil
And ever remember me, your child

On the next ten beads
Hail, Mother of All
Guide me to wisdom
and protect me, your child

On the next spacer bead, state the mystery you are meditating upon
[For example: Growth and Action] then add
Oh Holy Maiden
Oh Holy Hart in the Wood
Guide me upon my path
Protect me from evil
And ever remember me, your child

On the next ten beads
Hail to the Maiden
Hail to the Stag
Guide me to wisdom
and protect me, your child

On the next spacer bead, state the mystery you are meditating upon
[For example: Maturity and completion] and add
Oh Horned One
And Great Crone
Guide me upon my path
Protect me from evil
And ever remember me, your child

On the next ten beads
Hail Horned One, Lord of Life and Death
Hail Great Crone, Lady of Mysteries
Guide me to wisdom
and protect me, your child

On the next spacer bead, state the next mystery you shall be meditating upon
[For example: Death, the world of Spirit, and the Unknown] and say
Oh Nameless and Infinite One
Guide me upon my path
Protect me from evil
And ever remember me, your child

On the next ten beads
Hail, Nameless and Infinite One
Guide me to wisdom
and protect me, your child

On the medallion
Blessed be the High Holy Ones
Blessed be the Goddess and God
Blessed be the Nameless and Infinite

Hear my prayers
May it be that they please you
And bless the world

So mote it be

*The Nameless and Infinite One is the unity of all divinity, incomprehensible in its vastness. It is devoid of specific gender because it is male, female, and neutral all at the same time.

Envisioning Loki

Some people say that Loki isn't a god. They argue that is jotunn heritage makes him a jotunn and therefore not a god. These people are ignorant of the fact that many of the Aesir and Vanir are descendant from jotunns as well. If you sit down and actually read the old legends, you find that before the first war between the gods and jotunns, they intermarried frequently. That, however, is a different topic and I'm not going to ramble on about that. To say the least, Loki is a god.

He happens to be a patron deity of mine. He's made clear to me in several different ways (some which I am not to speak of so don't ask for full disclosure here) that he has adopted me as a daughter. It's not something that is common. It seems more common in the heathen community to find godspouses.

He makes his presence known in several different ways that I *can* talk about. I have visions of him. I hear his voice. I see him in the flicker of a flame. I can feel his presence in a 'ghostly' embrace. Random sources of encouragement, support, or advice from strangers. The list goes on and on.

When I have visions of him, I see him in a few different ways. One is akin to the earliest depiction of him I ever encountered. Black haired and dark eyed, he is an enormous man. In this visage, it is easy to see that he is indeed part jotunn. This aspect also happens to be the crueler one. I haven't had that cruelty directed at me but I have seen it directed at others. It's not pretty. Then there is the visage that I saw him in when I was in high school. Again, tall but with red hair, blue eyes, and freckles. This is one of his more mischievous guises. It is also closer to the one that he presents to virtually everyone else, it seems. And then there is the lean, red haired man with green eyes. He is tall but lanky. And has the sharp qualities of a knife's edge. This is the more familiar face for others who follow Loki or have him in their lives.

Then there is the faceless visions. Beside him, I look to be a small child, even at my full height. It isn't that he has no face but that I can't clearly see it. When the visions are of this quality, he usually is holding and comforting me as one would comfort an upset child. At times, I do see parts of his face. It is a blend of all three of the faces that I have seen consistently in the past. Usually, however, my head is pillowed against his shoulder.

Since the strife between my parents and I had begun, Loki has been making his presence known in that faceless, comforting fashion. I don't know where this places me in relation to the godspouses. It is a confusing thing. He tells me, however, that confusion is but the beginning of clarity. I know others have a rather prickly relationship with this volatile deity. It is unfortunate.

He has been a source of stability and comfort for me when my life was in utter upheaval. There have been times where Loki helped me in ways that to most people seem unbecoming of a deity. After all, when was the last time you have heard of a god letting you cry on their shoulder? Some day, I will have the opportunity to speak with him with the aid of someone who is serving as his horse. Until then, I just do my daily things and listen for his comments.

Sometimes they are hilarious. Sometimes they are maddening, but they always seem to be just what I need to hear at that moment.