Where did the last two weeks go?

 Waning Gibbous Strawberry Moon (Age: 16 days)
Sign: Capricorn
Drought Status: Abnormally Dry
Weather: Cloudy, projected high of 88 deg. F.
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I have been desperately trying to get back to that organized schedule that I had in January. I've been failing in a big way. Loki just chuckles at my frustration. That, however, is how things go between him and I. I get so frustrated I just about start spluttering and he starts chuckling and telling me how adorable I am when I'm angry/frustrated. It drives me batty, but it seems to be a theme. Beloved does the exact same thing. They all but pat me on the head and call me cute. I know it's all affectionate but it still is exasperating. Which, of course, makes me 'even more adorable.' 

I feel like part of the problem is I somehow have lost 2 inches of height in the last few years. My doctor assures me this is perfectly normal for most women. It makes reaching the top shelf of the cupboard for things difficult. And where do things get put that I need to get down on a weekly basis, on the top shelf because Beloved forgets that I'm no longer 5ft 8in. He is used to my being able to get things down because they're at a point where I could have with out much of a problem before I lost that bit of height. I've asked my doctor why it happens and they just shrug. I'm hoping that I am not going to wind up stooped and barely able to stand at 5 ft like my paternal grandmother. Freyr and Loki both assure me that isn't going to happen as long as I work on keeping my posture good and strengthening my back.

It leads me to suspect that my back's weakness that came about as a result of a couple of injuries in the last few years is the reason why I've lost 2 inches of height. I keep putting off doing yoga and my back exercises because you can barely see the floor in the living room. I may just have to use a shovel and garbage back to clean up all the toys and crap on the floor so that I have room to spread out that yoga mat and do my exercises. Freyr really wants me to get back into an exercise routine. He's of the mind it will help me do a better job of managing my diabetes and my stress. He's not wrong, I'm just having a hard time finding the time to do it.

Both Loki and Freyr are strongly encouraging me to do things that make me feel comfortable in my own skin and happy. They've declared that I have spent too much time confining myself into a socially acceptable bland box and it's not good for me. Again, they're not wrong. As a result, I've made some major changes to my wardrobe. I am not completely eliminating color from it, but I am going goth in my styles. I feel more like myself from when I was in my 20s doing so. Freyr has commented that I walk taller and move with more confidence when I do it. I have also begun wearing the BDSM collar that Beloved got me ... well, we've been playing around with this stuff for 20+ years. After about a week of wearing it more frequently than I ever had before, I discovered that I was reacting to the metal used for the hardware. We're pretty sure it's nickel plated and that's why I am having issues. So, Beloved ordered me a custom collar that should arrive sometime next month with stainless steel hardware and a nickel free buckle. In the meantime, I'm doing as Loki suggested. I put on a ribbon beneath the collar so that the metal doesn't touch my skin. The ribbon is about one and 3/4ths of an inch wide. That's the same width of the custom collar. It's a little wider than what I wear now, but it is going to be awesome. Beloved showed me what he designed and it's just really simple but really pretty.

To placate the normals, I've been wearing a wide ribbon choker that is reinforced with nylon webbing to keep the ribbon from rolling up and backed with soft cotton. I keep leaning away from that choker because the collar boosts my confidence, my happy feelings, and strengthens the sense that no matter what happens Beloved is going to be with me. It's a huge comfort item. As someone with an anxiety disorder, comfort items are really helpful. Previously, I hid the BDSM side of my life because I was afraid of being judged for it. But, Loki made a really good point back when I took the leap to go goth in my clothing styles: at 42, I have the right to wear whatever the hell makes me feel good. And collars are kinda in style right now (and have been with the punk element of the goth community), so if anyone gives me a funny look I can respond with one word: Fashion. Then I get to sashay away and do what makes me happy.

Freyr had an interesting point to make about the BDSM side of my life. No one is getting hurt. Practically all of the elements of it have improved my health and happiness. And if vanilla people get to wear items that advertise some of their sexuality (i.e. pants with the word 'juicy' printed across the ass), so do I. And he pointed out, I'll probably manage it with my own quirky yet elegant sense of style. It's not as if I'm out and about in a bondage harness and nothing else. (Not that we own one, but that's beside the point.) And Freyr said that the instant shot of confidence that I get from wearing the collar is going to be one of the things that is going to keep the busy-bodies off my back. He also reminded me: those who matter won't care as long as you're happy, those who get in a snit over it don't matter.

Mental health disability equates to life problems.

 I'm too low on spoons to look up the moon phase/age/sign. The weather is stupidly hot and humid for our region. We're not in drought status at the moment, though folks who are west of us and in the north country are. I've been just trying to catch up on everything that fell through the cracks over the last few months and it's not going so well.

I was deeply worried that I had pissed off Freyr because things had gotten so quiet. It then came to the fore that there was interference in the connection because of my severe depression and anxiety. (This happened a while back between Loki and I, lasted about a year before it cleared up.) I got my medications adjusted and the change was like night and day. I was suddenly sleeping through the night (which was my initial problem, or so I thought), the deep depression cleared up, and the choking anxiety eased. I also found the passive self harm ideation that I had lived with all my life was gone. Not even a whisper of a thought on that front since the med change. I thought that everyone was like that, clearly I was wrong. There is a better life possible and I am now living it.

It is, however, a very busy one and exhausting. My preteen/teen boys have a ton of school stuff going on that I've been trying to stay on top of but not doing so great because of poor communication with some individuals and my forgetting to update my planner. Loki, in his mischievousness, likes to remind me to work on it while I'm in the middle of something else. He's helping, sorta. I just forget or run out of energy before I get to it.

I've been struggling with writing because my brain is acting funny again. There's some kind of trauma memory getting ready to surface. Both Loki and Freyr are insisting that I need to stop fighting it and lean into it. But I'm tired of trauma work. They, however, are getting progressively more demanding that I do this because it will be good for me. At one point, Loki said that I was acting like a kid who didn't want to eat their vegetables. I retorted that I was the kid who loved vegetables. He answered "You love writing, so why aren't you doing it?" I didn't have a smart answer for that one.

When I have the flashes of connection with Freyr, and he's not insisting that I have to do *something* for trauma work, he's been reassuring me that my efforts to be more authentic in my self presentation and expression is a very good thing. Just a few weeks ago, I decided that I could finally embrace my love of goth style. And that I could embrace more expression of my sexuality. Two points that Freyr has been trying to get me to just stop restraining myself on for the last year. He said to me "At 42, you have earned the right to wear whatever you want and if that means goth clothes and a bdsm collar, so be it. What you wear and how you wear it is an expression of yourself, you're allowed to express yourself."

Beloved has been enthusiastic about supporting and encouraging me in this. (The kink thing between him and I has been a thing almost as long as we've been in a relationship. And that's 20+ years.) I've been happier and more secure in myself over the last few weeks than I have been in a long time. I just am struggling with the writing because I hate trauma work. It's my ptsd and bipolar that are the reason why I am disabled. They have taken away my career in education and my ability to tolerate a full day's work. I'm not sure how many functional hours I have in a day, because it fluctuates. 

I'm trying to get everything sorted out, but there's a lot going on and a lot of moving parts. Loki throws a wrench into things when I am getting myself worked up and distracts me from that. Freyr calms me down when I get panicky over things. It's been a team effort to get life back on to an even keel. Beloved is always at my side, helping as best he can. I couldn't do this with out them.