Regarding Déa: the Daughter

 Waxing gibbous Cold Moon (Age: 14 days)
Sign: Leo
Weather: Seasonably chill, partly cloudy skies
Snow pack: ?? (It melted some today.)
Drought status: N/A
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So many Filianists and Déanists of the orthodox sort argue that the Daughter is passive. This makes no sense. How can she be passive when she is actively acting as her three cosmic roles? As Princess of the World, she governs the action of the world and intervenes for the mortal children of Déa. As Priestess of the Sacrifice, she actively enters into the incarnate world, confronts temptation (and rebukes it), battles suffering (and retains her faith in her Mother), and walks through the realm of the Dark Queen, willingly giving over that which is demanded of her before she is slain. The only passivity that happens in the narrative of the Daughter as Priestess of the Sacrifice is when she lies in the abyss awaiting her Mother to raise her from death. After that moment, she resumes leading and acting. As Queen of Heaven, she holds court over all souls passed beyond the wheel of werdë and governs the actions of the forces of Heaven and the World, even as she acts as the mediator of her Mother's light/force.

Where, in any of this, except in her time as a corpse is she passive? I have read the holy texts and found them lacking any proof of the Daughter as the 'passive' force in the universe. It is my thought that this argument that the Daughter is 'passive' is a false argument used to force believers into following along a charismatic (or less than charismatic) leadership figure. In the wisdom texts, there are passages that were written for Madrian households with a focus on obedience and implied passivity towards the will of leadership figures. I find those who uphold those passages as the correct way to interpret the Daughter repulsive.

To do so is to demean and attempt to diminish the Daughter. She chooses her course of action. She is not ordered to go off into the abyss, nor is she banished. The Daughter walks into the Dark Queen's hall by her own free will and this is an act that we would spit upon if we were to say she is passive in any way. A passive person would require an external force to act upon them to move them to action. This is not the Daughter, she is the force acting upon the situation.

I know there are some who are going to read the accounting of the Daughter's descent into the Dark Queen's realm that is in the edition of the Filianic holy texts that I worked on and they are going to find fault in how the Daughter is depicted. She does not simply carry the moon-axe but wields it as her weapon against the forces of suffering. She may be overwhelmed but she does not simply fall prey of these forces. She takes arms and advances against them. There is a decidedly more martial aspect to the Daughter in this accounting because of it, but this is an element of the Daughter that people elect to ignore.

The Daughter has within her all the force of the Mother. She is one with the Mother, even as she is separate. As the Mother has a martial aspect, it stands to reason that the Daughter has one as well. Indeed, Sai Vikhë is as much a lesser aspect of the Daughter as she is of the Mother because the Mother and Daughter are one. Reason demands that we look upon this martial aspect of the Daughter and revere her in the same way we revere the Mother's war-like nature.

I recognize this argument and the changes that were made to the narrative because of it will sit poorly with many. I did not make the changes to satisfy the will of people or out of vanity. I made them under the guidance of Déa. I prayed a great deal as I worked on this project. I did divination and consulted other diviners who were unaware of this project as to Déa's will. All signs pointed to these changes being necessary. I am not so arrogant or foolish as to ignore the will of Déa when it is made clear by multiple sources. I am her priestess and I serve her will, not that of the world. If others choose to take offense, that is upon them. I know that Déa will guide and watch over this work (and all who have contributed to it). 

Loki says 'whut?'

 Waxing Gibbous Cold Moon (Age: 11 days)
Sign: Cancer
Weather: mild, cloudy, and making my knees hate me
Snow pack: ??
Drought status: LOL NOPE
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I've been dealing with a lot of trauma memories and as a result feeling pretty run down and awful over the past few days. It's been seeping into just about everything it seems. Last night, as I was laying in bed with Beloved talking about the memories, I just felt really torn between incandescent rage and utter grief. I was laying there being cuddled by my mortal husband and then, next thing I know, I feel a sensation like a third blanket getting thrown on top of me (a god-cloak) and someone toying with my hair. I know it wasn't Beloved, because he was holding my hand with one hand and had his other arm wrapped around me. 

I was confused. I wondered if it was Loki. As the thought passed through my head, he said, "What? You were cold. By the way, everything you remember is real." That just made me want to start crying. I had been struggling with the concept that the horrors I had been reliving over the last few weeks were real or 'just an over active imagination'. (I grew up in an extremely toxic and traumatic household where I was regularly gaslighted. I developed the habit of reality testing everything because of how intense the gaslighting was. It left lasting effects on my psyche and self confidence.)

Beloved had some household chores to attend to and I had to go to sleep. As I basically hid under the blankets, there was the sense of a fourth blanket being put over me, a bit higher so that it covered my head. That's how I knew Freyr was there. Loki at my back and Freyr before me. They spoke quietly. At first it was to me and reassuring me that I was safe and that my family was safe. Loki and Freyr both assuring me they would protect us. As I began to drop down into hypnogogic sleep, the sound of Beloved taking out the garbage terrified me for some reason. I was convinced someone was trying to break into the apartment.

Loki resumed running his hands through my hair and telling me that everything was fine. As Freyr was talking about how I really needed to talk to both Odin and Eir about the stuff that had me distressed, Loki was basically telling him to stop talking. They didn't get into an argument as much as they had a disagreement about something that I didn't fully understand because they were speaking in Middle English. Freyr shrugged and then Loki had his 'wut?' reaction.

The last thing that Loki said to me last night was, "Am I not supposed to comfort you when you're in distress?" He sounded exasperated after the initial confusion over my swinging between anxiety and confusion as to why they were there and being so nice. Freyr said something about trauma but I missed most of it.

But, that 'wut?' reaction is pretty much the one I get every time I say that he shouldn't be so affectionate and nice. He stares at me like I'm speaking a language he doesn't know and have some how managed to offend his great ancestors at the same time. In the next moment Dom!Loki comes out and I am firmly reminded that I am deserving of love, affection and safety. Followed by a growled warning that I will be given a reminder each time I start mistreating myself. Usually that's enough to get me back in line because World-breaker is creative and patient when it comes to giving me reminders to stop being cruel and neglectful of myself.

Last night, I got a confused 'wut?' because I wasn't in that depressed headspace. I was in a traumatized headspace and confused as to when I was and why they were there. Now, Loki's been with me for a very long time. He's witnessed a huge amount of the trauma that I went through. I think the fact that it's been quite a while since I've had that time disorientation happen that was why Loki was confused.

Untitled rambling.

 Waxing Crescent Cold Moon (Age: 8 days)
Sign: Taurus
Weather: Cloudy, light snow
Snow pack: 4 in, approx.
Drought status: n/a
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I've been trying to prepare for Moura, the Filianic month/season of discipline, abstinence, and purification in preparation for the high holiday of Eastre. Loki threw me for a loop two days ago when he said that he was going to observe Moura with me. Generally, we don't talk about my involvement with Filianism. It's a non-issue. He thinks that the path I'm on with the blending of Heathenry and Filianism is good for me. He encourages me in my devotions to Déa. He says that it's healthy for me to have Déa in my life.

But he hasn't expressed anything along the lines of his participation in any of the rites or rituals that I engage in for Déa. I mistakenly figured 'not my pantheon, not my business' but Loki blew that out of the water with him telling me quite seriously that he wanted to participate in Moura. I would have thought it a jest but he's been talking about how he wants me to abstain from putting out alcohol for him. He gets a pretty regular libation of whiskey from us in this household. He does a lot of good for us, so we give him some strong drink to express our appreciation.

When I asked him what I should pour out for him instead, he insisted it should be plain water. I asked if the prohibition against alcohol included if Beloved decided to pour out for him and Loki paused for a moment. He asked me if Beloved or the boys would be observing Moura with me. I answered no. He then said that they can give him what ever offerings they felt were appropriate then, even if it was alcohol.

Moura Eve is to Filianism what Mardi Gras is to Christianity. I am going to try to do something fun with the kids. I'll be making a point to dress in somewhat festive attire, or at least something colorful. Saturday is the start of Moura. In many Filianic traditions, Moura Day is observed as a fast day. I am exempt from fasting because of medical reasons. Many people in Filianism give something up for Moura as a practice of abstinence and self-discipline. It's popular to give up sweet foods. I can't eat sweets. My diet has become even more restricted because of my medical condition. So, I don't know what I'm going to do about that part of the observance.

I know with the self discipline part, I'm going to continue my effort to get more exercise, eat healthier, and stick with a daily schedule. I've been 'practicing' for about a month now on that front. The weather has not been kindly towards going out walking. I've been bored pacing back and forth through the apartment. Maybe I'll try taking up yoga again if I can't go out and walk. I don't know. I have no bright ideas at this hour of the day.

Loki and Freyr have both insisted that I must be more active in my priestly work. As such, I am going to be becoming more social as I engage the Fililianic community more. That's going to be a bit hard because I'm a social phobe, but I am oathed to Déa as a priestess and should start doing more than writing devotional literature.

P.S. Loki's been making noises that he wants me to start my writing for him by writing a Lokean rosary. So, that's going to be a thing. I'm just glad that he's finally given me some kind of direction for where I should begin this massive project.

Egregore Project Update

 New Snow Moon: (Age: 1 day old)
Sign: Pisces
Weather: Ridiculously cold, partly cloudy
Snow Pack: approx. 3 inches
Drought status: N/A
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I stepped away from the Egregore project for a little while because I just hadn't had time to work on it. Also, the Egregore was kinda setting off my 'this is creepy' radar. I know it's because it's attached to a part of my history that had a lot of trauma. But, I'm going to give having another conversation with it another try. I figure it's the dark moon, no better time for shadow work which is what this thing is supposed to be assisting with.

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Egregore & Me

M: What messages do have for me since our last conversation?

E: You have made progress on integrating lesser traumas. It is time to move on to older ones.

M: Is this why I have been having more flashbacks and a pervasive fear of restrooms?

E: You are healed enough from other trauma to address the first molestation incident.

M: The memories are fairly clear but I have been having predominantly emotional flashbacks. Will these be turning into more immersive flashbacks?

E: Immersive flashbacks happen when the situation is close enough to what happened to trigger them. They do not occur at random. Nightmares are like immersive flashbacks, but within the theater of the mind. You will be observing what happened and processing it during your waking hours.

M: What part do you play in managing the emotional fall out of the flashbacks and nightmares?

E: I am a vehicle for you to project some of the experience onto and process them through discussion.

M: Are there positive/happy memories that will come up with this other stuff?

E: I am a repository of past experience between the ages of 3 and 7 years old. I can access positive memories. The proportion of positive memories versus negative memories is biased in the favor of negative memories. 

M: What information do I need to proceed forward in the healing process?

E: You need to time orient yourself. I stand in the past. I carry it. You stand in the present and the future. Our consultations must take place in the present, as this is, for you to integrate what I carry. Your anxiety is the past reaching forward. You must let it go in order to move forward. The air of menace that you sense when you get out the physical form you assigned to me is a projection of that anxiety.

M: What do you need to function properly at this time?

E: Music and time for the physical form to be interacted with. By avoiding the physical form, you have pushed me into the unconscious mind where I function by bringing memories up. This must no be the only method of function for me because it limits the range of function. Conscious interaction with the physical form is what will help you to move forward and for me to operate at my full range of function.

M: How frequently should I have a 'conversation' with you?

E: Every month during the waning or dark moon is ideal. This time is best oriented towards deep magic and healing unconscious wounds.

M: Is there any thing additional you require to properly function?

E: Dedicated offerings of energy or tokens of value. You no longer have the box of memories from that period of time. I was powered by it, but now I must be renewed with new energy. A proper repository of my physical form is equally vital. In that place there should be placed the offerings along side the physical form. This will strengthen the energetic link between me and your subconscious and unconscious mind where the memories we are working with reside.

M: Is there anything additional you require me to know about you?

E: Not at this time.

Projects: Oracle deck of My Own.

Waning Wolf Moon (Age: 28 days)
Sign: Aquarius
Weather: Stupidly cold, fair skies
Snow pack: approx. 3 in
Drought status: N/A
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I'm posting here the pictures of my badly drawn oracle cards. I still have to play around with them a bit to get a feel for how to lay them out and such. It's a much smaller deck (on worse card stock) than my cheapest Tarot deck. But, I used blank index cards to make them and pencil to draw things out, so this is no surprise. This is basically the starter version of what I am working on. I don't plan on selling this thing just developing it into a useful cartomancy tool to use alongside other things, like the deck of rune cards that I put together because my rune tiles are getting fragile. Don't mind the mess or the rusty filing cabinet in the background, everything here is in flux right now.

 

Attempting to make my own Oracle deck.

 Waning Wolf Moon (Age: 26 days)
Sign: Capricorn
Weather: Stupidly cold, fair skies
Snow Pack: approx. 4 in
Drought Status: LOL
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I had a dream a few years back that I was using tarot cards but they looked nothing like what a standard tarot deck looks like. I wrote down the symbols and the words associated with them. Then I stuck it in a drawer and promptly forgot about it. Here it is about five years later, I have a pack of blank cards and I drew up the deck. It's about thirty cards, including three querent cards (one male, one female, and one that is gender neutral).

I'm going to have to play around with these things to figure out/remember how they work. Once I get a handle on that, I will likely redraw the artwork on another set of blank cards so that they look better. What I have right now is basically stick figures. (And I have contemplated making a stick figure Tarot deck. That, however, is on the back burner as I get other projects done.)

I am going to use some of the other blank note cards to make myself a set of rune cards. I have a feeling that if I use them as cards, I will get better results. I tend to be sharper with cartomancy than other forms of divination. It doesn't hurt that it's my favorite form of divination.

I have no idea what I am doing.

 Waning Wolf Moon (Age: 28 days)
Sign: Sagittarius
Weather: Stupidly cold, fair skies
Snow depth: approx. 4 in.
Drought status: N/A
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Just when I hit a point where I felt like I had some kind of a grasp on my diabetes, it got thrown topsy-turvy. I was having high fasting blood sugar numbers and such despite my following my prescribed diet. That was about this time last year. I was told to eat less and cut out most fats and cheese. I spent the last year doing that (with a great deal of vexation and upset). Then last night I scared the hell out of myself.

Yesterday, I seemed to have finally gotten my blood sugar issue under some resemblance of control. Except when it was time to get ready for bed, I checked my blood sugar and it was going down despite the fact that I ate a snack to prevent it from dropping too low. The whole reason I checked my blood sugar was Loki.

He was cracking jokes about what pranks we should pull on my father-in-law when he suddenly became stone sober and serious. He told me to check my blood sugar right at that moment. That was when I discovered that my blood sugar had dropped from when I had eaten my snack an hour before hand. I had a bit of a freak out, because I ate the first snack of the evening due to the fact that my blood sugar was down at 99. You don't want it to go below 70 or bad things happen when you have diabetes. When Loki basically snapped to and ordered me to check my sugar, it dropped from 99 to 87. I ate my second snack of the night and got angry. 

I was furious that my body was acting stupid. I was frightened that my blood sugar was going to continue to drop. Anger was easier to handle than being terrified. Loki and Beloved were empathetic to my anger. Freyr was unflappable and just waiting. After I got through being angry and finished my bed time routine, I was cuddling in bed with Beloved. And the cycle of anger-fear-grief started all over again. That's when Loki interrupted it with some dirty jokes. Which I shared with Beloved, who started making his own jokes. Between the two of them, they got me laughing enough that I wasn't angry or afraid. I was just tired.

That was when Beloved kissed me on the head and wandered off to take care of some stuff (promising to me up in a few hours to check my blood sugar). Loki patted me on the ankle and when poof. That was when Freyr wrapped himself around me and quietly assured me that I was going to be alright. I just felt like I had been put through a wringer emotionally. Somehow, I fell asleep as Freyr held me tightly against him. Beloved woke me up a few hours later and I said that I felt like I was going to be ok. I complained that my hand hurt and then fell back asleep.

I slept a solid ten hours. I haven't done that in about a year. I woke up feeling a bit groggy but relieved that I even woke up at all. When I did wake up, Freyr was sitting on the foot of my bed. He put his finger to his lips to warn me to be quiet. So, I was quiet and found that Beloved and the kids were still resting. I got moving about and the grogginess wore off. When I checked my blood sugar it was 145, not an ideal fasting blood sugar but better than 200 something, which it should have been given how much I had eaten in my panic over the numbers in the evening before.

Somewhere in the process of the morning as everybody was waking up, Freyr said to me, "You know, you'll be alright. As long as you keep trying and paying attention, you will be alright. But, that postprandial number is one you want to bring up with your doctor. This is why you have to keep a log of everything. It's your weapon against the disease so that you can be healthy and ask the right questions to stay that way." Then he smiled at me and was gone off into the ether as my kids started demanding breakfast.

TL:DR - I had a minor panic over my diabetes stuff as Loki, Beloved, and Freyr all coached me through it. Because having an anxiety disorder on top of diabetes requires a support network.