Loki says 'whut?'

 Waxing Gibbous Cold Moon (Age: 11 days)
Sign: Cancer
Weather: mild, cloudy, and making my knees hate me
Snow pack: ??
Drought status: LOL NOPE
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I've been dealing with a lot of trauma memories and as a result feeling pretty run down and awful over the past few days. It's been seeping into just about everything it seems. Last night, as I was laying in bed with Beloved talking about the memories, I just felt really torn between incandescent rage and utter grief. I was laying there being cuddled by my mortal husband and then, next thing I know, I feel a sensation like a third blanket getting thrown on top of me (a god-cloak) and someone toying with my hair. I know it wasn't Beloved, because he was holding my hand with one hand and had his other arm wrapped around me. 

I was confused. I wondered if it was Loki. As the thought passed through my head, he said, "What? You were cold. By the way, everything you remember is real." That just made me want to start crying. I had been struggling with the concept that the horrors I had been reliving over the last few weeks were real or 'just an over active imagination'. (I grew up in an extremely toxic and traumatic household where I was regularly gaslighted. I developed the habit of reality testing everything because of how intense the gaslighting was. It left lasting effects on my psyche and self confidence.)

Beloved had some household chores to attend to and I had to go to sleep. As I basically hid under the blankets, there was the sense of a fourth blanket being put over me, a bit higher so that it covered my head. That's how I knew Freyr was there. Loki at my back and Freyr before me. They spoke quietly. At first it was to me and reassuring me that I was safe and that my family was safe. Loki and Freyr both assuring me they would protect us. As I began to drop down into hypnogogic sleep, the sound of Beloved taking out the garbage terrified me for some reason. I was convinced someone was trying to break into the apartment.

Loki resumed running his hands through my hair and telling me that everything was fine. As Freyr was talking about how I really needed to talk to both Odin and Eir about the stuff that had me distressed, Loki was basically telling him to stop talking. They didn't get into an argument as much as they had a disagreement about something that I didn't fully understand because they were speaking in Middle English. Freyr shrugged and then Loki had his 'wut?' reaction.

The last thing that Loki said to me last night was, "Am I not supposed to comfort you when you're in distress?" He sounded exasperated after the initial confusion over my swinging between anxiety and confusion as to why they were there and being so nice. Freyr said something about trauma but I missed most of it.

But, that 'wut?' reaction is pretty much the one I get every time I say that he shouldn't be so affectionate and nice. He stares at me like I'm speaking a language he doesn't know and have some how managed to offend his great ancestors at the same time. In the next moment Dom!Loki comes out and I am firmly reminded that I am deserving of love, affection and safety. Followed by a growled warning that I will be given a reminder each time I start mistreating myself. Usually that's enough to get me back in line because World-breaker is creative and patient when it comes to giving me reminders to stop being cruel and neglectful of myself.

Last night, I got a confused 'wut?' because I wasn't in that depressed headspace. I was in a traumatized headspace and confused as to when I was and why they were there. Now, Loki's been with me for a very long time. He's witnessed a huge amount of the trauma that I went through. I think the fact that it's been quite a while since I've had that time disorientation happen that was why Loki was confused.