I'm too low on spoons to look up the moon phase/age/sign. The weather is stupidly hot and humid for our region. We're not in drought status at the moment, though folks who are west of us and in the north country are. I've been just trying to catch up on everything that fell through the cracks over the last few months and it's not going so well.
I was deeply worried that I had pissed off Freyr because things had gotten so quiet. It then came to the fore that there was interference in the connection because of my severe depression and anxiety. (This happened a while back between Loki and I, lasted about a year before it cleared up.) I got my medications adjusted and the change was like night and day. I was suddenly sleeping through the night (which was my initial problem, or so I thought), the deep depression cleared up, and the choking anxiety eased. I also found the passive self harm ideation that I had lived with all my life was gone. Not even a whisper of a thought on that front since the med change. I thought that everyone was like that, clearly I was wrong. There is a better life possible and I am now living it.
It is, however, a very busy one and exhausting. My preteen/teen boys have a ton of school stuff going on that I've been trying to stay on top of but not doing so great because of poor communication with some individuals and my forgetting to update my planner. Loki, in his mischievousness, likes to remind me to work on it while I'm in the middle of something else. He's helping, sorta. I just forget or run out of energy before I get to it.
I've been struggling with writing because my brain is acting funny again. There's some kind of trauma memory getting ready to surface. Both Loki and Freyr are insisting that I need to stop fighting it and lean into it. But I'm tired of trauma work. They, however, are getting progressively more demanding that I do this because it will be good for me. At one point, Loki said that I was acting like a kid who didn't want to eat their vegetables. I retorted that I was the kid who loved vegetables. He answered "You love writing, so why aren't you doing it?" I didn't have a smart answer for that one.
When I have the flashes of connection with Freyr, and he's not insisting that I have to do *something* for trauma work, he's been reassuring me that my efforts to be more authentic in my self presentation and expression is a very good thing. Just a few weeks ago, I decided that I could finally embrace my love of goth style. And that I could embrace more expression of my sexuality. Two points that Freyr has been trying to get me to just stop restraining myself on for the last year. He said to me "At 42, you have earned the right to wear whatever you want and if that means goth clothes and a bdsm collar, so be it. What you wear and how you wear it is an expression of yourself, you're allowed to express yourself."
Beloved has been enthusiastic about supporting and encouraging me in this. (The kink thing between him and I has been a thing almost as long as we've been in a relationship. And that's 20+ years.) I've been happier and more secure in myself over the last few weeks than I have been in a long time. I just am struggling with the writing because I hate trauma work. It's my ptsd and bipolar that are the reason why I am disabled. They have taken away my career in education and my ability to tolerate a full day's work. I'm not sure how many functional hours I have in a day, because it fluctuates.
I'm trying to get everything sorted out, but there's a lot going on and a lot of moving parts. Loki throws a wrench into things when I am getting myself worked up and distracts me from that. Freyr calms me down when I get panicky over things. It's been a team effort to get life back on to an even keel. Beloved is always at my side, helping as best he can. I couldn't do this with out them.
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