Don't go completely radio silent.

Waxing Gibbous Sap Moon (Age: 13 days)
Sign: Libra
Weather: Seasonably warm, fair skies
Snow pack: N/A
Drought status: Abnormally Dry
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I'm currently in a mixed episode. It sucks. I've taken a step back from social media and blog posts so I don't say or do something stupid. I've learned that I tend to be more impulsive and say dumb shit when I am in a mixed or hypomanic episode. It was a painful lesson. Fortunately, the friend forgave me. I've yet to forgive myself for my stupidity that day. The stupid, it burns.

I was about to shut down the computer and basically put aside doing anything on the internet for until Monday, if I'm feeling calmer and more stable then. Loki and Freyr both strongly disagreed with this. They insisted that I had to post here before I shut everything down for the weekend. (And Loki has spent most of the day trying really hard to convince me that it's ok to share my chicken nugget recipe on one of my other blogs, so he has thoughts on my doing this.)

I am not really sure what to share. I have felt like garbage for the last month now. I started out mildly depressed and then moved into a solid two weeks of depression. I guess it was around this time last week that my mood started to shift. I've been mixed for about a week now and it is utter bullshit. I have zero energy to do anything but I feel pressure to do EVERYTHING. It's awful. I can't concentrate very well. Most of my soothing coping activities aren't working so great at the moment.

I hate being like this. I know that I'm better than I was in the past. At the same time, I miss having good days. It seems like they don't really happen anymore. I used to be able to be somewhat witty and make my husband laugh more often than not. But, everything is so dulled by the persistent low level depression that I can't seem to accomplish that. It's distressing. 

Loki and Freyr assure me that everything is going to be ok. I'm not getting ready to do something stupid. Gods know, I'd pay for that on so many levels. But I am so sick and tired of being sick and tired. I just want to feel human again. (The bitter humor here is that Nina Simone's rendition of "Feelin' Good" is playing on the radio as I type this.) I know at some point this is going to lift and I'm going to feel better. I just have to be patient. The problem is, it always comes with a crash afterwards. The longer I go with a reasonably good mood or, gods help me, if I get hypomanic, the deeper is the depression afterwards.

I hate bipolar. At least I'm not hearing things.