When you're wrong and don't want to admit it.

Waning Crescent Cold Moon (Age 22 days)
Sign: Capricorn
Weather: Partly cloudy, cold, light breeze
Snow pack: > 1 in
Drought status: n/a
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 I've been having difficulty reconciling my limitations with my abilities. Or, to put it another way, I haven't been doing a very good job today of listening to my body and respecting my limits. It's gotten me a stern talking to on multiple levels. I have bad knees and this spate of bitter cold has me limping pretty badly. It has made getting stuff done challenging. The fact that I keep trying to do stuff has gotten me stern looks and such.

It is hard because I remember not too long ago when I was better off. I didn't have it quite so bad with my knees. I got sore and stiff when the weather got bad but I didn't need a cane so often. I recall when I didn't have the intense anxiety and fear of going out. (Social phobia is a bitch, y'all. Covid-19 has only made it worse.) I remember life before I became disabled and struggled to function. I keep trying to push myself to do things and act like that. But, I can't do it.

Loki keeps reminding me "Needs trump wants." He's been leaning on that message for quite a while. Some days I do better at remembering it than others. I want to go and do things. I want to work. But I need the quiet, calm environment that I've created in my home so that I don't have nearly constant panic attacks. Medication helps, but it doesn't solve everything. I don't want to be on so many pills, but I need them to function and stay healthy. (Diabetes can go die in a fire along with bipolar and ptsd.)

I tried today to keep my limits in mind but it was really hard. I just wanted desperately to be ok. Freyr tells me that I'm still adjusting to being disabled and having diabetes. I feel like my mind and body are failing me. Again, Freyr tells me that I'm adjusting to my new normal and that I won't feel so awful so often. It's been ten years since the bipolar diagnosis and my being certified as totally disabled due to mental illness. It's been three years since I got the diabetes diagnosis.

It was a rough day for me today. I wanted to go out and do the shopping. I wanted to take care of the laundry and the dishes. My knees hurt and keep threatening to drop me on the floor. Between the Covid-19 stuff and the fact that I would be in a relatively crowded store (because for some reason people are not doing much social distancing anymore since the announcement of vaccines), I couldn't go shopping. I spent my day feeling useless as I sat around and tried to keep an eye on the kids while Beloved was out running errands. When I got up to do stuff, I got the look from both Loki and Freyr. You know the look of severe disapproval that people give you when you're doing something that you know is dumb, that's the one. When Beloved got home from running errands and taking care of stuff, he was giving me the look as I was hobbling in the direction of doing more stuff. 

I don't want to be sick. I don't want to have arthritis. I don't want to be so damn anxious all the time. I keep trying not to be, but I can't force the situation to change. At one point, Loki said that some things are fixed wyrd. Things like your eye color and genetics, for example. They can't be changed. And the massive amounts of victimization that I experienced in my youth, that kinda qualifies as that I guess. Not something like I chose the conditions I incarnated into or that I'm paying off some kind of karmic debt and that is why I was tortured in my youth. Nope, it's just a twist in the thread of life that got snarled and will always effect the rest of the thread. I was wrong today to try to push myself to do 'normal' things. That's why my knees hurt and my brain is not working quite right at the moment.

Fortunately, I've got three loves who look after me and kick me in the ass when I need it. Because some days, I'm a stubborn idiot.