Sunrise

Waxing Sap Moon (Age 1 day)
Sign: Aries
Weather: Cloudy, seasonable temps.
Snow Pack: N/A
Drought Status: N/A
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It's daylight savings time. Yay! (If only there was a sarcasm font.) I've had my breakfast, drunk my first cup of coffee, and then took a short nap to recover my proverbial spoons from waking up at 0630. Now it is an hour later, I'm on my second cup of coffee and feeling a bit less bleary eyed. Freyr was with me as I woke. It's still his season for a few more days. Even though he is busy preparing for Spring, he found some time to just snuggle with me. I think that half hour of sleep was the deepest sleep I have had in about a month, or at least the most restful.

In my dreams, he walked with me through a garden where many things were beginning to sprout and show signs of life. We just held hands and walked along muddy paths. Shortly before my alarm went off, he said to me, "The world is waking up. Don't despair. Things are going to get better. I know you don't feel well, but I promise you, it will pass." Then he gave me a big hug. I woke up with that warm sense of an embrace around me. It made me reluctant to get out of bed. 

I've been struggling with depression for the last month or so in a more intense fashion than usual. It's made everything harder. All of that hard work to clean up the apartment in preparation for Eastre has gone to pot. As a result, I have a bunch of cleaning to do this week that I had planned to spend in contemplation and meditation upon the sacrifice of the Daughter. I tell myself that things will get better but it feels like I'm lying to myself. Depression is a hell of a drug.

I get like this and I feel guilty for not doing more. So I start pushing myself pretty hard to do things. I run low on spoons and get a lot less than what I was trying to do done. At which point the guilt ratchets up several notches and the cycle resumes. Until I crash for a few days and I feel miserable. I have had Loki giving me glares and warning me not to push myself too hard. I am doing my best to listen to him and to the limits of my body/brain. It's been exhausting and it hurts. I want my life from before the bipolar happened back. Yeah, I was still struggling with CPTSD, but I was more functional most of the time. I feel like I'm all those horrible things my parents said about me when ever I wasn't performing to their expectations (a waste of flesh, an oxygen thief, etc.). I know it is my trauma speaking and its getting triggered by the depression, but it still fucking hurts.

I hope that Eastre will find me doing better. I'm not expecting it to happen, though, because brain chemistry doesn't automatically improve because it's an important date on the calendar. Still, it is nice to have some peace and quiet. It is nice to drink some coffee and watch the sun come up.