Godspousery Notes: 3 / 2 of 2022

 Story time. Way back about two years before the pandemic hit, Freyr asked me to sacrifice my long hair to him. Now, at the time, my hair came down to my hips and was a lot darker. I attempted not too long before this request to dye my hair royal blue and nothing happened, it was a waste of time and money. The only place it showed up was in the witch's streak of white that I have over my left eyebrow and then it didn't show up that well. (I've had this streak of white hair since I was a kid. Got picked on about it. I literally laughed when I found out that they were called witch's streaks many years later.) I agreed, figuring it was hair. It'll grow back and it's not a big deal.

Cue two years where I couldn't stand the feeling of hair longer than my chin. Cue two years where I struggled to find a look that suited me. Last September, I found the perfect look. Then Freyr was asking me to wait a little bit on getting it cut. My hair barely came down to my shoulders and was frustrating me. I couldn't really do anything with it. It got in my eyes all the time but didn't work well with the different styles I had for scarves and veiling. And, the greatest insult, it was thinning and coming out because it was too long for the roots to do a good job of holding on to it. So, the last weekend of September, I got my hair cut.

In the top picture is what my hair looked like before I got the big cut. Freyr was worried that I was going to be distraught about losing my long locks. I was of a mind that this didn't count as long. After all, when I first had cut my hair for him, it came down to my hips. He really didn't want me to make a decision that I was going to regret. His anxiety over it all was sweet. 

I was frustrated with my hair and ready for a change. I was unhappy that I was having hair falling out. I didn't like the way it looked and the fact that I couldn't do anything with it but throw a kertchief on and hope it didn't get too annoying. It was barely long enough to put into a ponytail again. The change to my hair style was a matter of quality of life for me. It was a matter of doing my best to live authentically. I wasn't sure how it was going to change my veiling practices but I knew that I had to do something different. Loki was wildly excited about the new look I wanted and insisted it was perfect for me.

This lower picture is what I got done a few weeks later. For the first time in a long time, I was really ecstatic with my hair. Sure, the grey showed up a lot more. My head was chilly when the wind blew, but I felt like myself more than I had in a long time. I had absolutely no idea how I was going to manage veiling when I went out into public. I aside from the assortment of scarves, I have a good number of hats. Suddenly, my options were larger because I didn't have to worry about hair peeking out from beneath the hat if I decided to wear one out as my head covering.

I was also delighted because it further obscured my recognizability from people who had previously been in my life that I had cut out for sanity reasons. Between the faux hawk, the goth look, and a mask, they could be standing right beside me and not recognize me at all so long as I kept silent. The last time those people saw me, I didn't even have glasses. All good things in my opinion.

Today, I finally figured out how to make a blue and gold pashmina that I love work as a headscarf. It did wonders for keeping my head warm during this cold day. I was happy with it. I am struggling with depression but I'm working at getting better with self-care and being persistent in my effort to be authentic. Freyr came around on the hair style when he realized how happy I have remained with it. He was pleased when I managed to do this wrap, because it meant that I had figured out a way to veil with out getting frustrated with my hair.

I'm still getting used to my new bifocals. But, that's a story for another day. Loki is still insisting that I look 'kick ass' with the faux hawk. He's been trying to talk me into letting it grow out and become a real mohawk. He thinks that it would be awesome on me. I'm not quite convinced. But the fact that Beloved, Freyr, and Loki all agree that happiness looks good on me and (even with my current depressive episode) the joy that I have in this hair style is exactly what I needed.