July for Loki post no. 15

 I keep having emotional flashbacks to trauma from when I was a kid over the last few days. Loki sat with me last night and told me, "Just because they feel real doesn't mean that they're happening now." I got very upset when he told me that. I asked him then if what I experience with him and Freyr are just simply manufactured by my broken brain. Loki reminded me of the time I was inpatient for a suicidal episode including psychotic features. After I had gotten a dose of Haldol to quiet the auditory hallucination of my mother screaming at me to kill myself, Loki said quiet calmly, "Can you hear me now?"

I just about wept with relief. I was terrified that my mystical experiences were all hallucinations after the first bout of psychotic experiences about ten years ago. Haldol is a serious business antipsychotic. It shuts down that part of your brain that is putting out the garbage information that's telling you something is there that isn't. It has a few odd things about it, like going from absolute panic to feeling like you're wrapped up in a warm, heavy blanket and your heart rate slowing down. But, I knew that with the Haldol I was going to get relief from the screaming. 

Then Loki spoke up. Suddenly, I understood that all of my mystical experiences were real. He was with me, even when the place turned into utter chaos later at dinner time. It wasn't like a full scale riot. But the moment the full moon cleared the horizon, chairs were getting thrown, people were shoving each other, and I was trapped in a corner cowering behind a table, praying that the violence was going to stay on the other side of the room. As I was there, Loki was with me telling me that I was going to be ok and I just had to focus on my breathing so I didn't hyperventilate. Eventually, the hospital staff got the dining room under control. I came out of my hiding spot, shaking but doing my best not to show fear. When they sent everyone back to their rooms early, I was relieved. I laid down in my bed and just faced the window and prayed that it wasn't going to happen again.

Loki sat at the foot of the bed and told me that everything was going to be ok. One may ask, where was Freyr in the midst of this. Well, he was standing between me and the brawl. Later, when I was in my room, he was standing at the doorway. And as I had been pacing, Loki was on my left side as Freyr was on my right, just quietly bearing witness to what I was doing and dealing with. I think the reason why Loki spoke up and was focused on calming me down is because I've known Loki longer and was more likely to listen to him.

But, yeah, that was a thing that happened.