July for Loki: Post no 7

 Loki is a stickler for authenticity. He wants me to be who I am regardless of who it pisses off. I think this is why he's so proud of the work I did on the Clear Recital and the team's efforts. He keeps telling me not to be upset and anxious about the Aristasian/Shining Daughter of Harmony's kerfluffle over it. They're coming out of the wood work to complain and it's upsetting. I've written a rebuttal to the post decrying the edition that we put out and I've been doing my best to put that out of mind (and not read the comments). But my social phobia is acting up and makes me want to clamp down on all kinds of expression.

Loki has been firmly admonishing me for that. He says that the point of my growth process through the pandemic period is having enough breathing room for me to throw off the shackles of the past. The irony of discovering that wearing my bdsm collar helps me stay grounded in the present (very important for both my anxiety disorder and my ptsd), boosts my mood (very helpful with my bipolar disorder and seasonal depression), and reminds me/makes me feel loved by Beloved when he's not here to cuddle me when I'm upset ... well, the reason why that is ironic is because my parents (whom I am estranged from) flipped out in a bad way over a joke keychain that involved a teddy bear in bondage gear. They threatened to disown me if I was 'into that shit,' among other things. Now that I am just about 20 years out from under their thumb, I am finally wearing clothes that makes me feel good and that collar fits right into the look and makes me happy.

I'm still trying to figure out what's ok for what Beloved calls the NPCs. I had a ribbon choker that I made but I started reacting to the metal finding that served as a clasp after I wore the fake patina off of it. I'm reacting to the bdsm collar's metal work because it's not stainless steel. Beloved's ordered me a new collar. I'm both excited and nervous about wearing it. Loki is very firmly stating when I get like this, "Wearing it is healthy for you, so you're going to wear it." This is the same side of Loki who admonishes me to take my anxiety medications. He says that there's a solution to the problem of something collar like that will not upset the more vanilla family members that we're involved with. The kids are all 'whatever, Mom's just being weird again.'  Loki hasn't said what the solution to that problem is, but he seems to have an idea that he'll reveal at the 'right' time.