Don't go completely radio silent.

Waxing Gibbous Sap Moon (Age: 13 days)
Sign: Libra
Weather: Seasonably warm, fair skies
Snow pack: N/A
Drought status: Abnormally Dry
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

I'm currently in a mixed episode. It sucks. I've taken a step back from social media and blog posts so I don't say or do something stupid. I've learned that I tend to be more impulsive and say dumb shit when I am in a mixed or hypomanic episode. It was a painful lesson. Fortunately, the friend forgave me. I've yet to forgive myself for my stupidity that day. The stupid, it burns.

I was about to shut down the computer and basically put aside doing anything on the internet for until Monday, if I'm feeling calmer and more stable then. Loki and Freyr both strongly disagreed with this. They insisted that I had to post here before I shut everything down for the weekend. (And Loki has spent most of the day trying really hard to convince me that it's ok to share my chicken nugget recipe on one of my other blogs, so he has thoughts on my doing this.)

I am not really sure what to share. I have felt like garbage for the last month now. I started out mildly depressed and then moved into a solid two weeks of depression. I guess it was around this time last week that my mood started to shift. I've been mixed for about a week now and it is utter bullshit. I have zero energy to do anything but I feel pressure to do EVERYTHING. It's awful. I can't concentrate very well. Most of my soothing coping activities aren't working so great at the moment.

I hate being like this. I know that I'm better than I was in the past. At the same time, I miss having good days. It seems like they don't really happen anymore. I used to be able to be somewhat witty and make my husband laugh more often than not. But, everything is so dulled by the persistent low level depression that I can't seem to accomplish that. It's distressing. 

Loki and Freyr assure me that everything is going to be ok. I'm not getting ready to do something stupid. Gods know, I'd pay for that on so many levels. But I am so sick and tired of being sick and tired. I just want to feel human again. (The bitter humor here is that Nina Simone's rendition of "Feelin' Good" is playing on the radio as I type this.) I know at some point this is going to lift and I'm going to feel better. I just have to be patient. The problem is, it always comes with a crash afterwards. The longer I go with a reasonably good mood or, gods help me, if I get hypomanic, the deeper is the depression afterwards.

I hate bipolar. At least I'm not hearing things.

Sunrise

Waxing Sap Moon (Age 1 day)
Sign: Aries
Weather: Cloudy, seasonable temps.
Snow Pack: N/A
Drought Status: N/A
~*~*~*~*~*~*~

It's daylight savings time. Yay! (If only there was a sarcasm font.) I've had my breakfast, drunk my first cup of coffee, and then took a short nap to recover my proverbial spoons from waking up at 0630. Now it is an hour later, I'm on my second cup of coffee and feeling a bit less bleary eyed. Freyr was with me as I woke. It's still his season for a few more days. Even though he is busy preparing for Spring, he found some time to just snuggle with me. I think that half hour of sleep was the deepest sleep I have had in about a month, or at least the most restful.

In my dreams, he walked with me through a garden where many things were beginning to sprout and show signs of life. We just held hands and walked along muddy paths. Shortly before my alarm went off, he said to me, "The world is waking up. Don't despair. Things are going to get better. I know you don't feel well, but I promise you, it will pass." Then he gave me a big hug. I woke up with that warm sense of an embrace around me. It made me reluctant to get out of bed. 

I've been struggling with depression for the last month or so in a more intense fashion than usual. It's made everything harder. All of that hard work to clean up the apartment in preparation for Eastre has gone to pot. As a result, I have a bunch of cleaning to do this week that I had planned to spend in contemplation and meditation upon the sacrifice of the Daughter. I tell myself that things will get better but it feels like I'm lying to myself. Depression is a hell of a drug.

I get like this and I feel guilty for not doing more. So I start pushing myself pretty hard to do things. I run low on spoons and get a lot less than what I was trying to do done. At which point the guilt ratchets up several notches and the cycle resumes. Until I crash for a few days and I feel miserable. I have had Loki giving me glares and warning me not to push myself too hard. I am doing my best to listen to him and to the limits of my body/brain. It's been exhausting and it hurts. I want my life from before the bipolar happened back. Yeah, I was still struggling with CPTSD, but I was more functional most of the time. I feel like I'm all those horrible things my parents said about me when ever I wasn't performing to their expectations (a waste of flesh, an oxygen thief, etc.). I know it is my trauma speaking and its getting triggered by the depression, but it still fucking hurts.

I hope that Eastre will find me doing better. I'm not expecting it to happen, though, because brain chemistry doesn't automatically improve because it's an important date on the calendar. Still, it is nice to have some peace and quiet. It is nice to drink some coffee and watch the sun come up.

When you're wrong and don't want to admit it.

Waning Crescent Cold Moon (Age 22 days)
Sign: Capricorn
Weather: Partly cloudy, cold, light breeze
Snow pack: > 1 in
Drought status: n/a
~*~*~*~*~*~*~

 I've been having difficulty reconciling my limitations with my abilities. Or, to put it another way, I haven't been doing a very good job today of listening to my body and respecting my limits. It's gotten me a stern talking to on multiple levels. I have bad knees and this spate of bitter cold has me limping pretty badly. It has made getting stuff done challenging. The fact that I keep trying to do stuff has gotten me stern looks and such.

It is hard because I remember not too long ago when I was better off. I didn't have it quite so bad with my knees. I got sore and stiff when the weather got bad but I didn't need a cane so often. I recall when I didn't have the intense anxiety and fear of going out. (Social phobia is a bitch, y'all. Covid-19 has only made it worse.) I remember life before I became disabled and struggled to function. I keep trying to push myself to do things and act like that. But, I can't do it.

Loki keeps reminding me "Needs trump wants." He's been leaning on that message for quite a while. Some days I do better at remembering it than others. I want to go and do things. I want to work. But I need the quiet, calm environment that I've created in my home so that I don't have nearly constant panic attacks. Medication helps, but it doesn't solve everything. I don't want to be on so many pills, but I need them to function and stay healthy. (Diabetes can go die in a fire along with bipolar and ptsd.)

I tried today to keep my limits in mind but it was really hard. I just wanted desperately to be ok. Freyr tells me that I'm still adjusting to being disabled and having diabetes. I feel like my mind and body are failing me. Again, Freyr tells me that I'm adjusting to my new normal and that I won't feel so awful so often. It's been ten years since the bipolar diagnosis and my being certified as totally disabled due to mental illness. It's been three years since I got the diabetes diagnosis.

It was a rough day for me today. I wanted to go out and do the shopping. I wanted to take care of the laundry and the dishes. My knees hurt and keep threatening to drop me on the floor. Between the Covid-19 stuff and the fact that I would be in a relatively crowded store (because for some reason people are not doing much social distancing anymore since the announcement of vaccines), I couldn't go shopping. I spent my day feeling useless as I sat around and tried to keep an eye on the kids while Beloved was out running errands. When I got up to do stuff, I got the look from both Loki and Freyr. You know the look of severe disapproval that people give you when you're doing something that you know is dumb, that's the one. When Beloved got home from running errands and taking care of stuff, he was giving me the look as I was hobbling in the direction of doing more stuff. 

I don't want to be sick. I don't want to have arthritis. I don't want to be so damn anxious all the time. I keep trying not to be, but I can't force the situation to change. At one point, Loki said that some things are fixed wyrd. Things like your eye color and genetics, for example. They can't be changed. And the massive amounts of victimization that I experienced in my youth, that kinda qualifies as that I guess. Not something like I chose the conditions I incarnated into or that I'm paying off some kind of karmic debt and that is why I was tortured in my youth. Nope, it's just a twist in the thread of life that got snarled and will always effect the rest of the thread. I was wrong today to try to push myself to do 'normal' things. That's why my knees hurt and my brain is not working quite right at the moment.

Fortunately, I've got three loves who look after me and kick me in the ass when I need it. Because some days, I'm a stubborn idiot.

He wants me to make what?

 Waning Gibbous Cold Moon (Age: 18 days)
Sign: Libra
Weather: Windy and cold
Snow pack: greatly diminished, > 1 in
Drought status: LOL NOPE
~*~*~*~*~*~

Loki made clear to me that he wanted me to write a devotional last year. He kept mentioning it and I kept putting off the topic. Finally he asked me what the problem was. That was when I said that I didn't know where to start. His first answer to that problem was, "Well, at the beginning, obviously."

I drolly responded, "And you're the sly one?" There was much laughter over that. I still think it was a set up for me to drop that line on him and it's been almost six months since we had that conversation. I told him how I couldn't pick one thing and start writing because there was too much going on. I told him that I needed some suggestions or some guidance on where to begin.

Flash forward about six months and he pops in practically bouncing with excitement. When Loki is hopping foot to foot, grinning gleefully, and nearly clapping his hands with excitement, one gets a little nervous. He is, after all, the god of Mischief and chaos. His pranks are literally legendary. So, he shows up all a twitter with excitement. I was in the middle of folding laundry. He told me I needed to get a pen and paper. I asked why. His answer was that he had an IDEA.

The last time Loki was this excited over an idea, Beloved and I pulled a prank (that I thought up all on my own, thank you very much) on my father-in-law that made the old goat very exasperated over the holidays. Loki gave that prank his gold star of approval. I figured this idea meant another prank of some kind. I set my laundry aside and walked across the room to get a pen and paper. Then Loki said, "I want a rosary."

I just stopped for a beat and looked at him. "Like a set of beads?" I asked him. He shook his head. "For me to pray one on your behalf?" Then he looked at me like I was daft.

"I want you to write me a rosary. Catholic style." Then I looked at him like he was daft. He just grinned at me.

"This is going to piss off a lot of people," I said.

He laughed. "So what, there's people who would use it, who need it even."

That was last week. I have been attempting to write prayers for his rosary for the last few days. It's not going so great, because there's a bunch of other stuff going on keeping me from writing. Freyr's position on all of this? Well, he's bemused and thinks I should get to writing once I am done republishing books.

Regarding Déa: the Daughter

 Waxing gibbous Cold Moon (Age: 14 days)
Sign: Leo
Weather: Seasonably chill, partly cloudy skies
Snow pack: ?? (It melted some today.)
Drought status: N/A
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

So many Filianists and Déanists of the orthodox sort argue that the Daughter is passive. This makes no sense. How can she be passive when she is actively acting as her three cosmic roles? As Princess of the World, she governs the action of the world and intervenes for the mortal children of Déa. As Priestess of the Sacrifice, she actively enters into the incarnate world, confronts temptation (and rebukes it), battles suffering (and retains her faith in her Mother), and walks through the realm of the Dark Queen, willingly giving over that which is demanded of her before she is slain. The only passivity that happens in the narrative of the Daughter as Priestess of the Sacrifice is when she lies in the abyss awaiting her Mother to raise her from death. After that moment, she resumes leading and acting. As Queen of Heaven, she holds court over all souls passed beyond the wheel of werdë and governs the actions of the forces of Heaven and the World, even as she acts as the mediator of her Mother's light/force.

Where, in any of this, except in her time as a corpse is she passive? I have read the holy texts and found them lacking any proof of the Daughter as the 'passive' force in the universe. It is my thought that this argument that the Daughter is 'passive' is a false argument used to force believers into following along a charismatic (or less than charismatic) leadership figure. In the wisdom texts, there are passages that were written for Madrian households with a focus on obedience and implied passivity towards the will of leadership figures. I find those who uphold those passages as the correct way to interpret the Daughter repulsive.

To do so is to demean and attempt to diminish the Daughter. She chooses her course of action. She is not ordered to go off into the abyss, nor is she banished. The Daughter walks into the Dark Queen's hall by her own free will and this is an act that we would spit upon if we were to say she is passive in any way. A passive person would require an external force to act upon them to move them to action. This is not the Daughter, she is the force acting upon the situation.

I know there are some who are going to read the accounting of the Daughter's descent into the Dark Queen's realm that is in the edition of the Filianic holy texts that I worked on and they are going to find fault in how the Daughter is depicted. She does not simply carry the moon-axe but wields it as her weapon against the forces of suffering. She may be overwhelmed but she does not simply fall prey of these forces. She takes arms and advances against them. There is a decidedly more martial aspect to the Daughter in this accounting because of it, but this is an element of the Daughter that people elect to ignore.

The Daughter has within her all the force of the Mother. She is one with the Mother, even as she is separate. As the Mother has a martial aspect, it stands to reason that the Daughter has one as well. Indeed, Sai Vikhë is as much a lesser aspect of the Daughter as she is of the Mother because the Mother and Daughter are one. Reason demands that we look upon this martial aspect of the Daughter and revere her in the same way we revere the Mother's war-like nature.

I recognize this argument and the changes that were made to the narrative because of it will sit poorly with many. I did not make the changes to satisfy the will of people or out of vanity. I made them under the guidance of Déa. I prayed a great deal as I worked on this project. I did divination and consulted other diviners who were unaware of this project as to Déa's will. All signs pointed to these changes being necessary. I am not so arrogant or foolish as to ignore the will of Déa when it is made clear by multiple sources. I am her priestess and I serve her will, not that of the world. If others choose to take offense, that is upon them. I know that Déa will guide and watch over this work (and all who have contributed to it). 

Loki says 'whut?'

 Waxing Gibbous Cold Moon (Age: 11 days)
Sign: Cancer
Weather: mild, cloudy, and making my knees hate me
Snow pack: ??
Drought status: LOL NOPE
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

I've been dealing with a lot of trauma memories and as a result feeling pretty run down and awful over the past few days. It's been seeping into just about everything it seems. Last night, as I was laying in bed with Beloved talking about the memories, I just felt really torn between incandescent rage and utter grief. I was laying there being cuddled by my mortal husband and then, next thing I know, I feel a sensation like a third blanket getting thrown on top of me (a god-cloak) and someone toying with my hair. I know it wasn't Beloved, because he was holding my hand with one hand and had his other arm wrapped around me. 

I was confused. I wondered if it was Loki. As the thought passed through my head, he said, "What? You were cold. By the way, everything you remember is real." That just made me want to start crying. I had been struggling with the concept that the horrors I had been reliving over the last few weeks were real or 'just an over active imagination'. (I grew up in an extremely toxic and traumatic household where I was regularly gaslighted. I developed the habit of reality testing everything because of how intense the gaslighting was. It left lasting effects on my psyche and self confidence.)

Beloved had some household chores to attend to and I had to go to sleep. As I basically hid under the blankets, there was the sense of a fourth blanket being put over me, a bit higher so that it covered my head. That's how I knew Freyr was there. Loki at my back and Freyr before me. They spoke quietly. At first it was to me and reassuring me that I was safe and that my family was safe. Loki and Freyr both assuring me they would protect us. As I began to drop down into hypnogogic sleep, the sound of Beloved taking out the garbage terrified me for some reason. I was convinced someone was trying to break into the apartment.

Loki resumed running his hands through my hair and telling me that everything was fine. As Freyr was talking about how I really needed to talk to both Odin and Eir about the stuff that had me distressed, Loki was basically telling him to stop talking. They didn't get into an argument as much as they had a disagreement about something that I didn't fully understand because they were speaking in Middle English. Freyr shrugged and then Loki had his 'wut?' reaction.

The last thing that Loki said to me last night was, "Am I not supposed to comfort you when you're in distress?" He sounded exasperated after the initial confusion over my swinging between anxiety and confusion as to why they were there and being so nice. Freyr said something about trauma but I missed most of it.

But, that 'wut?' reaction is pretty much the one I get every time I say that he shouldn't be so affectionate and nice. He stares at me like I'm speaking a language he doesn't know and have some how managed to offend his great ancestors at the same time. In the next moment Dom!Loki comes out and I am firmly reminded that I am deserving of love, affection and safety. Followed by a growled warning that I will be given a reminder each time I start mistreating myself. Usually that's enough to get me back in line because World-breaker is creative and patient when it comes to giving me reminders to stop being cruel and neglectful of myself.

Last night, I got a confused 'wut?' because I wasn't in that depressed headspace. I was in a traumatized headspace and confused as to when I was and why they were there. Now, Loki's been with me for a very long time. He's witnessed a huge amount of the trauma that I went through. I think the fact that it's been quite a while since I've had that time disorientation happen that was why Loki was confused.

Untitled rambling.

 Waxing Crescent Cold Moon (Age: 8 days)
Sign: Taurus
Weather: Cloudy, light snow
Snow pack: 4 in, approx.
Drought status: n/a
~*~*~*~*~*~*~

I've been trying to prepare for Moura, the Filianic month/season of discipline, abstinence, and purification in preparation for the high holiday of Eastre. Loki threw me for a loop two days ago when he said that he was going to observe Moura with me. Generally, we don't talk about my involvement with Filianism. It's a non-issue. He thinks that the path I'm on with the blending of Heathenry and Filianism is good for me. He encourages me in my devotions to Déa. He says that it's healthy for me to have Déa in my life.

But he hasn't expressed anything along the lines of his participation in any of the rites or rituals that I engage in for Déa. I mistakenly figured 'not my pantheon, not my business' but Loki blew that out of the water with him telling me quite seriously that he wanted to participate in Moura. I would have thought it a jest but he's been talking about how he wants me to abstain from putting out alcohol for him. He gets a pretty regular libation of whiskey from us in this household. He does a lot of good for us, so we give him some strong drink to express our appreciation.

When I asked him what I should pour out for him instead, he insisted it should be plain water. I asked if the prohibition against alcohol included if Beloved decided to pour out for him and Loki paused for a moment. He asked me if Beloved or the boys would be observing Moura with me. I answered no. He then said that they can give him what ever offerings they felt were appropriate then, even if it was alcohol.

Moura Eve is to Filianism what Mardi Gras is to Christianity. I am going to try to do something fun with the kids. I'll be making a point to dress in somewhat festive attire, or at least something colorful. Saturday is the start of Moura. In many Filianic traditions, Moura Day is observed as a fast day. I am exempt from fasting because of medical reasons. Many people in Filianism give something up for Moura as a practice of abstinence and self-discipline. It's popular to give up sweet foods. I can't eat sweets. My diet has become even more restricted because of my medical condition. So, I don't know what I'm going to do about that part of the observance.

I know with the self discipline part, I'm going to continue my effort to get more exercise, eat healthier, and stick with a daily schedule. I've been 'practicing' for about a month now on that front. The weather has not been kindly towards going out walking. I've been bored pacing back and forth through the apartment. Maybe I'll try taking up yoga again if I can't go out and walk. I don't know. I have no bright ideas at this hour of the day.

Loki and Freyr have both insisted that I must be more active in my priestly work. As such, I am going to be becoming more social as I engage the Fililianic community more. That's going to be a bit hard because I'm a social phobe, but I am oathed to Déa as a priestess and should start doing more than writing devotional literature.

P.S. Loki's been making noises that he wants me to start my writing for him by writing a Lokean rosary. So, that's going to be a thing. I'm just glad that he's finally given me some kind of direction for where I should begin this massive project.

Egregore Project Update

 New Snow Moon: (Age: 1 day old)
Sign: Pisces
Weather: Ridiculously cold, partly cloudy
Snow Pack: approx. 3 inches
Drought status: N/A
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

I stepped away from the Egregore project for a little while because I just hadn't had time to work on it. Also, the Egregore was kinda setting off my 'this is creepy' radar. I know it's because it's attached to a part of my history that had a lot of trauma. But, I'm going to give having another conversation with it another try. I figure it's the dark moon, no better time for shadow work which is what this thing is supposed to be assisting with.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Egregore & Me

M: What messages do have for me since our last conversation?

E: You have made progress on integrating lesser traumas. It is time to move on to older ones.

M: Is this why I have been having more flashbacks and a pervasive fear of restrooms?

E: You are healed enough from other trauma to address the first molestation incident.

M: The memories are fairly clear but I have been having predominantly emotional flashbacks. Will these be turning into more immersive flashbacks?

E: Immersive flashbacks happen when the situation is close enough to what happened to trigger them. They do not occur at random. Nightmares are like immersive flashbacks, but within the theater of the mind. You will be observing what happened and processing it during your waking hours.

M: What part do you play in managing the emotional fall out of the flashbacks and nightmares?

E: I am a vehicle for you to project some of the experience onto and process them through discussion.

M: Are there positive/happy memories that will come up with this other stuff?

E: I am a repository of past experience between the ages of 3 and 7 years old. I can access positive memories. The proportion of positive memories versus negative memories is biased in the favor of negative memories. 

M: What information do I need to proceed forward in the healing process?

E: You need to time orient yourself. I stand in the past. I carry it. You stand in the present and the future. Our consultations must take place in the present, as this is, for you to integrate what I carry. Your anxiety is the past reaching forward. You must let it go in order to move forward. The air of menace that you sense when you get out the physical form you assigned to me is a projection of that anxiety.

M: What do you need to function properly at this time?

E: Music and time for the physical form to be interacted with. By avoiding the physical form, you have pushed me into the unconscious mind where I function by bringing memories up. This must no be the only method of function for me because it limits the range of function. Conscious interaction with the physical form is what will help you to move forward and for me to operate at my full range of function.

M: How frequently should I have a 'conversation' with you?

E: Every month during the waning or dark moon is ideal. This time is best oriented towards deep magic and healing unconscious wounds.

M: Is there any thing additional you require to properly function?

E: Dedicated offerings of energy or tokens of value. You no longer have the box of memories from that period of time. I was powered by it, but now I must be renewed with new energy. A proper repository of my physical form is equally vital. In that place there should be placed the offerings along side the physical form. This will strengthen the energetic link between me and your subconscious and unconscious mind where the memories we are working with reside.

M: Is there anything additional you require me to know about you?

E: Not at this time.

Projects: Oracle deck of My Own.

Waning Wolf Moon (Age: 28 days)
Sign: Aquarius
Weather: Stupidly cold, fair skies
Snow pack: approx. 3 in
Drought status: N/A
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

I'm posting here the pictures of my badly drawn oracle cards. I still have to play around with them a bit to get a feel for how to lay them out and such. It's a much smaller deck (on worse card stock) than my cheapest Tarot deck. But, I used blank index cards to make them and pencil to draw things out, so this is no surprise. This is basically the starter version of what I am working on. I don't plan on selling this thing just developing it into a useful cartomancy tool to use alongside other things, like the deck of rune cards that I put together because my rune tiles are getting fragile. Don't mind the mess or the rusty filing cabinet in the background, everything here is in flux right now.

 

Attempting to make my own Oracle deck.

 Waning Wolf Moon (Age: 26 days)
Sign: Capricorn
Weather: Stupidly cold, fair skies
Snow Pack: approx. 4 in
Drought Status: LOL
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

I had a dream a few years back that I was using tarot cards but they looked nothing like what a standard tarot deck looks like. I wrote down the symbols and the words associated with them. Then I stuck it in a drawer and promptly forgot about it. Here it is about five years later, I have a pack of blank cards and I drew up the deck. It's about thirty cards, including three querent cards (one male, one female, and one that is gender neutral).

I'm going to have to play around with these things to figure out/remember how they work. Once I get a handle on that, I will likely redraw the artwork on another set of blank cards so that they look better. What I have right now is basically stick figures. (And I have contemplated making a stick figure Tarot deck. That, however, is on the back burner as I get other projects done.)

I am going to use some of the other blank note cards to make myself a set of rune cards. I have a feeling that if I use them as cards, I will get better results. I tend to be sharper with cartomancy than other forms of divination. It doesn't hurt that it's my favorite form of divination.

I have no idea what I am doing.

 Waning Wolf Moon (Age: 28 days)
Sign: Sagittarius
Weather: Stupidly cold, fair skies
Snow depth: approx. 4 in.
Drought status: N/A
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Just when I hit a point where I felt like I had some kind of a grasp on my diabetes, it got thrown topsy-turvy. I was having high fasting blood sugar numbers and such despite my following my prescribed diet. That was about this time last year. I was told to eat less and cut out most fats and cheese. I spent the last year doing that (with a great deal of vexation and upset). Then last night I scared the hell out of myself.

Yesterday, I seemed to have finally gotten my blood sugar issue under some resemblance of control. Except when it was time to get ready for bed, I checked my blood sugar and it was going down despite the fact that I ate a snack to prevent it from dropping too low. The whole reason I checked my blood sugar was Loki.

He was cracking jokes about what pranks we should pull on my father-in-law when he suddenly became stone sober and serious. He told me to check my blood sugar right at that moment. That was when I discovered that my blood sugar had dropped from when I had eaten my snack an hour before hand. I had a bit of a freak out, because I ate the first snack of the evening due to the fact that my blood sugar was down at 99. You don't want it to go below 70 or bad things happen when you have diabetes. When Loki basically snapped to and ordered me to check my sugar, it dropped from 99 to 87. I ate my second snack of the night and got angry. 

I was furious that my body was acting stupid. I was frightened that my blood sugar was going to continue to drop. Anger was easier to handle than being terrified. Loki and Beloved were empathetic to my anger. Freyr was unflappable and just waiting. After I got through being angry and finished my bed time routine, I was cuddling in bed with Beloved. And the cycle of anger-fear-grief started all over again. That's when Loki interrupted it with some dirty jokes. Which I shared with Beloved, who started making his own jokes. Between the two of them, they got me laughing enough that I wasn't angry or afraid. I was just tired.

That was when Beloved kissed me on the head and wandered off to take care of some stuff (promising to me up in a few hours to check my blood sugar). Loki patted me on the ankle and when poof. That was when Freyr wrapped himself around me and quietly assured me that I was going to be alright. I just felt like I had been put through a wringer emotionally. Somehow, I fell asleep as Freyr held me tightly against him. Beloved woke me up a few hours later and I said that I felt like I was going to be ok. I complained that my hand hurt and then fell back asleep.

I slept a solid ten hours. I haven't done that in about a year. I woke up feeling a bit groggy but relieved that I even woke up at all. When I did wake up, Freyr was sitting on the foot of my bed. He put his finger to his lips to warn me to be quiet. So, I was quiet and found that Beloved and the kids were still resting. I got moving about and the grogginess wore off. When I checked my blood sugar it was 145, not an ideal fasting blood sugar but better than 200 something, which it should have been given how much I had eaten in my panic over the numbers in the evening before.

Somewhere in the process of the morning as everybody was waking up, Freyr said to me, "You know, you'll be alright. As long as you keep trying and paying attention, you will be alright. But, that postprandial number is one you want to bring up with your doctor. This is why you have to keep a log of everything. It's your weapon against the disease so that you can be healthy and ask the right questions to stay that way." Then he smiled at me and was gone off into the ether as my kids started demanding breakfast.

TL:DR - I had a minor panic over my diabetes stuff as Loki, Beloved, and Freyr all coached me through it. Because having an anxiety disorder on top of diabetes requires a support network.

My brain is giving me emotional whiplash and They're not happy.

Waning Wolf Moon (Age: 16 days)

Moon Sign: Leo

Weather: Very cold, light lake effect snow

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I'm not swinging back and forth because of my Bipolar II right now. Or at least, I don't think that is the case. But, what ever is going on with me, I've been super anxious for about a week right around sundown. Like, so anxious that the sound of one of the kids unexpectedly tearing a piece of paper almost made me jump out of my skin the other night.

Loki and Freyr are not pleased with this development. They're both of the mind that I really should work on finding a therapist sooner rather than later. I have been a few years now with out a therapist to help me keep my head glued together. My psychiatrist is wonderful. He's been exceedingly helpful and compassionate. But, when the psychiatrist, deities, and your mortal spouse are all in agreement that you could use a bit of time with a therapist again, it's probably time to think about it seriously.

Freyr is of the opinion that my problem is my complex post-traumatic stress disorder acting up again. He's rather firmly told me that I need to stop shoving my feelings into a box. I didn't think I was doing that. But, this year of Covid-19 has brought up all kinds of things from the past. And the weirdness going on with my body due to the diabetes has been bringing up more things from the past. I really guess I fell back into some bad habits. (And Loki says snarkily 'ya think?' as I type this.) 

They have both been pushing me hard to make health changes in my life. This ranges from "It would be good for your mental health to have regular contact with other adults in the world. So, you're going to go back to doing tarot readings on Keen for the sake of your brain. The money doesn't matter." to "This is your new daily schedule, see how you're going to be exercising EVERYDAY." It's been a challenging couple of weeks adjusting to the new schedule that we negotiated. 

The exercise has been probably the hardest part. The weather has been so cold that I'm doing light aerobic exercise as I pace the apartment because it's too cold to walk outside. I over did it the other day and Freyr's been a bit peeved with me for that. I believe his exact words about it was, "Just because you can do it doesn't mean that you should do it." I was really bored pacing and did 300 arm curls (with 2.2 lb weights in each hand) in the span of 20 minutes. It's taken me a week for my arms to stop hurting.

He and Loki are plotting something that involves my exercise stuff. As in, I've been getting random things about 'here's how to train for a marathon' in my email. My search history has been about tarot decks, goddess worship, and my local news. But, I think they want me to get myself back to the point where I could walk 3 miles at a brisk pace with out a problem.

 

 

 

 

Low confidence right now.

 I feel like I'm doing everything wrong. I know it's my PTSD creeping up on me. At the same time, I feel terribly alone and like I wouldn't be so alone if I were like everyone else. It's been rough over the last year. Everything went on hold for 2020. Everything except for my scumbag brain insisting that I was a weakling and a coward for hunkering down and avoiding going out because of Covid-19.

I am attempting to restart a whole bunch of things. Yesterday was on one hand a good day. I made a little bit of money on Keen and I reconnected with some old clients. On the other hand, I just felt horrible most of the day and like I wasn't doing enough. I am struggling to reestablish healthy habits that I fell out of last year. I am struggling to get back to using a schedule, which I haven't done in over a decade. And I am struggling to figure out what in hell is going on with my diabetes because my blood sugar has been stupid. It's all left me feeling afraid and like I'm not good enough.

I guess that means it's time to do more Shadow Work. I should really replace that copy of Timothy Rodrick's book on Shadow Work. It's more of a workbook than anything else. Maybe I should go through it again and see what happens this time.

I'm a bit of a librarian.

 Dear Reader,

I have a bit of a library I accumulated over the years. Most of my books are in good condition. Some that I picked up second hand are in poor shape but still readable. At the following link, you will see a partial list of my library. I ran out of spoons to list everything. I'm probably about halfway through the shelf.

Cydira (aka Lady Brythwen Sinclair)'s Library

Blog Changes

 Dear Reader,

If you're reading this, I'd first like to apologize for not updating this in forever. 2020 was one hell of a year and 2021 is shaping up to be the same way. I am going to resume posting in here this year. It is not going to be on a daily basis but on a weekly one. I'm still sussing out content and such. If you follow my blog The Veiled Witch or my mirror of it on Wordpress (The Veiled Witch's Mirror), you'll find that I'm in the process of revamping that blog as well. If I could find a way to port the info on this blog over there, I'd probably do it. But, in hindsight, it is most likely for the best that I keep these two blogs separate. 

In this blog, I'm going to get into the weirder stuff about my spiritual life. I'm also going to be posting more things like spells. It's basically going to become a digital extension of my book of shadows. That was the original purpose of this blog and I'm cycling back to it. I will be doing my best to post on Saturdays. I can't promise it will be every Saturday because that is the day where lots of chores get done and things are hectic. But if you're looking for new content on here, check on Saturday.

I'm going to occasionally post links to The Veiled Witch with material that applies to both blogs. (That's what the next post is going to be.) I'm trying to get back into serious writing mode. Being depressed makes that hard. So I'm working on pushing through that to get back to work. Wish me luck.

And, again, if you've read this far, thank you for your patience and I hope this finds you happy, healthy, and prosperous.

Conversation with my personal monster.

So, I'm going to try this experiment where I hold a conversation with the Egregore I created. I'm not sure how this will go. Text in a different color denotes the construct's part of the conversation. I don't know if it is sufficiently potent enough to hold some independence or not. This will be interesting.

Q: What is your purpose?

A. To assist in processing traumatic memories.

Q: Is your construction part of the reason why I have been having difficulty sleeping and more frequent emotional flashbacks?

A. This is my primary purpose, to bring material to the surface, sort, and categorize it for assessment.

Q: What is the process that is required to alleviate the trauma memories?

A. Identify the trauma, integrate the memories, and release the pain.

Q. Is there a hierarchy of trauma memories that must be processed?

A. Chronological assessment is the current mode of operation.

Q. How do you sort the trauma memories?

A. The most pervasive are first addressed.

Q: What is the integration process?

A. Repeat exposure of the memory until the dissociation response is extinct.

Q: Why do you have a menacing aura?

A. I am a repository of trauma from an early age.

Q: What information do you have for me at this time?

A. You are not your mother. You are worthy. Your problems sleeping are because you are reliving past events or projecting your fears onto future events. 

Q: How might I make the integration process less arduous?

A. Write exhaustively about the experiences and your responses to them. Detail what your triggers are and how to handle them.

Egregore update.

Dear Reader,

I've been haphazard in feeding energy into the doll over the last several months. Been sick and busy with household stuff, like a lot of stuff for the family. The other day, I took the doll out of the bag and did some meditation on feeding energy into it. That was when it took on something of a generally creepy energy. Given that this doll is for shadow work, the creepy energy is appropriate. Even so, it was sufficiently uncomfortable that I put the doll back into the bag and set it aside.

Apparently, my passive feeding the doll by just focusing thought upon it when I saw the bag (which was sitting on the desk by my computer) was an effective thing. The goal of this poppet is to draw out the shadow aspects of myself so that I can work with them. I won't say that the poppet is disturbing. It's a cheapy Belle doll from Walmart that's at best three inches high. But it's starting to take on a quality that I've heard people describe dolls having - some sense of intelligence to it and an alien quality. I didn't exactly expect that to happen.

We're in the last quarter of the February moon. So, this is the time to be working with the poppet. I don't know how to go about that, now that it's picked up something of a spark. I do know, however, that the All-Father wouldn't have suggested this if it wasn't going to be helpful towards my goals. I'm probably going to sit down and have a 'chat' with it during this waning phase. I'll record that here.

Random stuff.

I'm not sure what the moon's age is, but it is a waxing crescent moon. My children have been happily saying hello to Máni when they see the moon in the evening. Máni is my youngest's favorite deity to talk to. They also like to talk to Sunna in the morning. Or when they see the sun come out after a cloudy day. They just like to talk to the gods and tell them about their day or whatever is on their mind. They'll also ask them to help with things like good luck and inspiration. And when there's strong winds they'll ask Aeolus or any other storm deity they can think of to calm the winds. High winds make them nervous, so it is reasonable that they ask the gods to ease them.

I haven't introduced them to Déa yet. I'm waiting for Eastre/Ostara to do that.

My kids have been asking questions about how worlds are made. I've been answering with scientific facts, as best I know them. Then comes the question of "But why does it work like that?" and "Where do the parts come from?" I've replied with "No one knows for sure. But the gods help make it happen." My youngest child, who is a huge Transformers fan has decided to ask the gods to make Cybertron real. He sat down and drew up blueprints for Cybertron and did his best to describe what it needed. Then he put that on the altar. I think it may be time to explain the concept of a multi-verse to him, this way he can stop obsessing quite so much with the concept of visiting Cybertron. If he knows that somewhere out there is another universe where Cybertron is real and another version of himself has visited it and is friends with Optimus Prime, perhaps it will help him be a little less obsessed with it. I don't know.

Sweeten your luck jar

Moving in the opposite direction, I made a thing today that is just as delightful to the eye as what I made last week. This one, however, is far more pleasant in its orientation. It is a spell jar to increase good luck and prosperity, among other things.

Ingredients:
cocoa nibs
rose petals
orange peel (dried)
pink Himalayan salt
spring water (tap water can substitute)
sugar (honey or stevia can be used in place of it)
chocolate vodka (or a small quantity of wine or other alcoholic beverage)
quartz crystal chip
bottle to contain it all
candle (to seal with wax)

Process:
With a mortar and pestle, grind the dry ingredients together until a uniform powder. Carefully transfer into your bottle, making sure you don't lose any of it. (I used a paper funnel because my bottle is tiny.) Add your crystal. Then your sweetener. Then your alcohol of choice. Top the bottle off with water. Close it up. Seal with wax.

Method:
Draw a sigil of what you seek to draw to you (money, good luck, romance, etc.) and fold into a shape small enough to fit under your bottle. Shake the bottle to mix ingredients. Place on your sigil and let this sit in a quiet place where it can be subject to natural light. Declare your intent before you set your luck bottle on your sigil. Shake to reactivate or add more potency to your spell on a regular basis. When spell manifests, which can be immediate or up to one month, remove the sigil from beneath the jar and place it in a safe place. When not in use, place your spell jar in a cool, dark shelf where it can steep its ingredients and become more potent over time.

Reasoning:
Cocoa nibs: sweetness and luxury
Rose petals: love and affection
Orange peel: prosperity
Pink Himalayan salt: bind the spell together
Sweetner: sweetness and luxury
Alcohol: bind the spell together and luxury
Crystal chip: prosperity
Water: flowing good fortune
Natural light: empowerment and blessings from nature

Cursing jar. (Not to be confused with swear jar)

Because of this stupid cold and the kinda busy/chaotic way things have been for the last few weeks, I've lost track of the moon phase and such. We've snow on the ground and the temperature is reasonable for the season, I guess.

I made something today. Rather than just writing it down in my notebook, I decided to post it here in case someone actually had need of it. It's called a cursing jar/bottle. There's a bunch of different ways to make one. It is a semi-passive way to curse people. As per always, be careful casting curses because they have a way to turn back on you if you're not lucky or prepared.

Ingredients:

1 small jar or bottle with stopper
Small quantity of black pepper (in the peppercorn variety)
Small quantity of thorns
Ground red pepper (the spicy kind) or dried pequin peppers
Small quantity of salt
One steel nail (if rusty it is more effective)
Vinegar (if you want to be 'traditional', use urine)
Candle for sealing jar shut

Process:

First clean your jar or bottle completely. Let it dry. Add enough black pepper to cover the base of the jar. Add enough thorns to cover the peppercorns. Add your ground red pepper to layer over the thorns. Add the salt to cover the red pepper. Drop in your nail. Fill with vinegar. Close your jar and seal shut with enough wax so that no liquid will leak out when you shake the jar.

To use, have a target in mind and a paper representation of them. Could be a sigil just for them. It could be a picture or their name written down. Shake the jar to activate it. Pronounce your curse upon the target and place the cursing jar on the representation of your target. Leave the jar on the representation for as long as you want the curse to be active. To remove the curse, take the jar off of the image and state "My will is done. I'm through with this, begone [name]." This acts to mark the end of the curse and to send the target of the curse away from you. If you can muster up spite in your words as you pronounce the end of the curse, the farther away your target will be pushed from your sphere of influence.

Now, why did I use these ingredients?

Black pepper is an irritant. Thorns cause pain and injury. Red chili pepper is a major irritant (the stuff that makes the peppers spicy in red chili peppers is used to make bear spray). The salt is to bind the target and causes pain when rubbed into injuries. The steel nail is obvious, I hope. If not, just think of how it would feel to step on one. The vinegar is another irritant. And sealing the jar shut is just a practical measure to keep things from making a mess all over the place when you shake the jar.

If you're familiar with the 'hot foot' curse, you'll recognize that most of what I put in here is similar to that curse's jar component. It works a lot like the 'hot foot' curse. It causes irritation, suffering, and pain to the target as long as the curse is activated. It is possible to add more potency to the curse by repeating the curse and shaking the jar daily.