Waning Pink Moon (Age: 28 days)
Weather: Seasonable, cloudy with
I didn't sleep well last night. It happens some times. The thing that makes this notable isn't my poor sleep last night but how I woke from my nap this morning. I was having horrific nightmares. I kept trying to wake myself from them and failing. Then, as I was having a nightmare of being trapped in an office fending off some violent people with a pistol (for all my gamer friends & readers, I was taking only headshots and succeeding but it was like the zombie outbreak from hell), Frey sent in people to pull me out of it.
I went from crouching at a door, desperately conserving ammo and doing my best to aim to watching as a group of special forces operatives mowed down the people amassed against me. When I looked at them, their clothes and appearances shifted. In one glance, they looked like U.S. special ops. In the next, they looked like vikings. They kept moving back and forth between these two groups as they cut their way through the swath of foes.
When they reached me, the leader of the group said "Frey sent me." but I heard at the same time "Seal team six." As soon has he put a hand on my wrist, the tableaux changed and I was in the dance studio that served as Sensei Cathy's dojo. Frey was there, even as I was struggling to break myself free from a wrist hold that I was in with a very tall man and beginning to panic.
Frey walked up and said "Time to wake up." And then I felt like I was pulled up out of deep water. I woke with a gasp for air, even as the lingering, creeping feeling of terror was still settled over me. I lay for a few minutes under the covers, looking around the room and reassuring myself that I was awake. It took me a little bit.
I was still feeling terribly unsettled when I sat down at the computer. Then Frey helped me again. He pointed out a song that Beloved has on here. As I listened to it, I was moved to tears because I realized it was a song that reminded him of me. Frey quietly said to me "You need to remember what is real."
Sometimes, my greatest foe is not outside of my head. Sometimes, it is my very active imagination and past trauma. It may sound a little strange to say that a nightmare of fending off terrorists (?) is related to past trauma, but in the snarled web of my mind, it does make sense. I had been struggling with a blurring of the present and the past, with only a brief respite when Beloved and I had sex last night.
Frey grabbed hold of me and dragged me back into the present even as he ripped me out of my nightmares. I know it doesn't sound like much for a 'theological' musing, but I feel that this fits the theme. It's not everyday that you get a very direct reminder that gods are here to help you. Well, in my cause, I guess it should say it's not everyday that I need a clue by four to the head on that one. Either way, I am thankful to him.
I still feel a bit off, but nothing like what I would have been like with out his help.