2/23/15

Letters to Loki # 13: lolwut?

Dear Loki,

I am not sure if the sky diving dream was of your engineering or the random burbling of my subconscious. It was, however, a very strange thing. I still am shaking my head at it. Fortunately, however, it was not a nightmare. I have this thing about heights and yet in the dream it didn't come up. I don't think that means it has gone away. Maybe, however, I have reached a point where I can stand on a ladder with out feeling like I'm going to fall off at any minute. I've been doing a bit better about replacing light bulbs in the overhead lights.

I think that I need to find something better for my coffee. This stuff is ok but it is getting a bit tiresome. I wonder if part of the problem is that it is a little bit stale. I'm not sure. I do know that the instant coffee with the cinnamon in it was a terrible purchase. I confess, I should have listened to you on that one. Strangely enough, though, Beloved actually likes it. He described it pretty well as the bastard lovechild of chai and coffee. I enjoy both things but apparently they must remain separate.

I finished that manuscript today. The last three pages were not that easy but now it is done. I'm going to send it off to my beta readers after I check through it to make sure that I don't have any glaring typos or errors. My overly optimistic idea of getting this thing done by Eastre wasn't realistic. I think I may have been doing a bit of manic thinking at that time. Which is kinda weird because I was in the middle of a depressive episode. I think I am going to just give up on understanding how my brain works. Each time I think I have a handle on it, something else comes along to confuse me.

I think you were right in picking out that mixed berry scented candle. I wasn't too sure about it but the scent has grown on me. It doesn't smell like jam, which they promised, but it is not too bad. I also am flattered that you like the doily I made. I think you're right. It did come out really well for a first attempt that happened to be my own design. It makes me think I should attempt one of those patterns that I have seen on the web. I'm not going to start anything right now because I really have to finish this shawl I've been knitting on since August last year. I have been getting concerned that the boys are going to take it off the needles. So, I am going to finish it.

The funny thing is, I am seriously thinking about making another shawl when this thing is done. I don't think that I have space for more shawls. But I want to keep this one I've been working on and I want to make myself a lace one. I'm not sure if I want to do lace crochet or lace knitting with it. I have two balls of black crochet cotton (size 10) that I picked out for the project. I want to do my first lace shawl project in something that if I have to rip out, I don't need to worry too much if the thread breaks.

Your suggestion about giving etsy another try makes me uncomfortable. I know I need to do something with all the stuff I have been making. I just worry that I am going to do really poorly with it. You are right, however, I should specialize in a few things rather then doing a little bit of everything. I'm still thinking about it. The etsy account is still set up. I haven't given everything away. Actually, I haven't given anything away right now. I just worry that I don't have the proverbial spoons for this.

Skydiving weddings and stuff.

Waxing Worm Moon (Age: 5 Days)
Sign: Taurus
Weather: bitterly cold,
snow is projected
Snowpack: 2.5 ft, approx.?
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

I fell asleep on the couch this morning. I had a headache and figured sleeping would make it go away because coffee and tylenol wasn't touching it. Fortunately, sleep did cure my headache but boy did I have some strange dreams. I dreamed that I officiated a polyamorous wedding that just happened to be done mid-air whilst skydiving. As someone who thinks jumping out of perfectly good airplanes is crazy talk, I was baffled by this dream. 

I also dreamed that I was shoveling endless amounts of snow. I know that one is the fruit of the recent weather and the fact that I have been doing a lot of snow shoveling. As I said elsewhere, I think the only positive I can see about this bitterly cold and snowy weather is that I am getting a good workout when I shovel. The dream was strangely pleasant. I didn't feel like Sisyphus but rather like an excavator working a gold strike. There was excitement about shoveling that I, honestly, haven't felt since I was a child and shoveling snow meant there was more to use in making snowforts and snowmen. Perhaps the dream is some encouragement from my unconscious mind to take time to go out and play in the snow with the kids. If the weather isn't so blastedly bitter, perhaps we'll do something.

I haven't been doing much on my tarot reading stuff. I pretty much gave up hope of having the energy and focus to do it with this last, extended depressive episode. I was still in the midst of that despairing mindset when a friend on Facebook asked me for a tarot reading. It went really well and Loki nudged me in the shoulder kinda hard. I guess I am better at this tarot reading stuff then I feel I am. As per his encouragement, I am back on Keen attempting to do this stuff again. It is kinda hard because I'm, quite frankly, afraid of other people. Social phobia is hugely a problem when it comes to marketing and being able to take calls. Still, Loki thinks I can do it and do it well. So I'm going to jump back into this with both feet and hope the water isn't too cold.

I've been trying to reach out to Odin to get his thoughts on a few things. I have a feeling that I've been dreaming of him at night. The problem is, I don't really remember the dreams too well when I wake up in the morning. I think I'm going to sit down with one of my many divination tools and do a question and answer session. I am leaning towards using runes, though I feel a little gunshy on that one. I kinda had my self confidence shaken a little while back when I forgot the meanings of them. I suppose this is another thing that I should just jump back in with both feet and give it the old college try. (Idioms, what idioms?)

2/16/15

Letters to Loki # 12 - Vacation Days, yay.

Dear Wolf's Father,

The kids are on vacation this week from school. I'm not sure what we're going to do if the weather stays so bitterly cold. The arctic chill has been enough that the front entryway of the building is nearly as cold as my refrigerator. It's a kinda weird experience. It is currently -3o F outside with the sun shining and a few clouds in the sky. I hope that the day doesn't turn out like yesterday and the temperature dropped during the daylight hours. It wasn't too kind to my knees for this weather to be so nasty.

My mood is doing a lot better now. It seems that the medication adjustment was what I needed. I feel a bit like a fool for not saying something before but I suppose I can count that as a learning experience. I have to say, I rather like my new psychiatric care person. She's a registered nurse rather then a psychiatrist. She seems to actually believe me when I mention that I am having difficulty with something. I don't have to defend my symptoms or otherwise deal with someone who is adversarial in their approach to my care. I like that. I also like the fact that she doesn't talk down to me, like how some of my past psychiatrists did.

I'm still about 60 pages behind where I wanted to be. I honestly don't think I am going to finish this thing by the 19th, which was my deadline. This irritates me but I'm not ripping on myself for it. I feel a bit pressured but I recognize that the only one pressuring me is myself. I am going to do what I can over the course of this week. If I get lucky and finish this thing by the 19th, I am going to be really surprised. The kids are awful distracting and make it hard for me to focus on my writing. I suppose this is a foretaste of what the summer is going to be like.

On the whole, however, I'm doing better then I was last week. Who knows, maybe I'll get a good deal of writing done today and some housework. If I get even five pages done, that counts as a significant number.

Dreams from Last Night.

Waning Hunger Moon (Age: 27 Days)
Sign: Capricorn
Weather: Arctic cold, partly cloudy
Snow pack:  Approx 3 ft
~*~*~*~*~*~*~
I have three dreams I remember clearly from last night. One was of a young woman who was from an Asian-American family. I think she was around seventeen or so. The young woman was depressed and feeling like she couldn't accomplish anything. Her aunt took her to an antique store. As they were walking around, the aunt told her to pick what she liked from the store. The young woman found an old cookbook. As she opened the cookbook and looked at it, the pages became those of a photo album with very old pictures of her family in it. As she looked at those pictures, her sense of depression lifted and she picked up another cookbook. It was another book that transformed into a photo album. She was then standing with her mother in the front room of their house holding the books. Her mother said "We'll move Uncle Jun (Pronounced like June.) out of your room and your grandmother in." The girl was much happier then.

The second dream that I recall is of watching a family of Native Americans fleeing before a group of armed colonial soldiers. As they ran, they were torn between bringing their few belongings with them and just out right flight. The entire scene made me sad and I felt powerless to do anything about it. Before this dream ended, I had Enigma's Silent Warrior in my ears, specifically the chorus.

The third dream, I was sitting in a scriptorium of a monastery with a thick stack of vellum before me. To my left there was a book with an illuminated manuscript contained in it. To my right, there was a jar of ink and a steel tipped quill pen. The ink was the color of heart's blood. I looked at the book I was supposed to be copying and the letters swam on the page. The figures in the illustrations moved and fought with each other. I was cold and my hands hurt terribly. As I struggled to read the page to copy it, a wizened old man stood nearby chanting in a language that sounded roughly like Latin but wasn't.

I think the first dream is addressing something about my family but I'm not entirely sure what. The second one was most likely the result of listening to Silent Warrior several times yesterday as I was writing. The third dream, I'm confident, has to do with my frustration with the manuscript I'm writing.

2/9/15

Letters to Loki # 11 (untitled)

Hey there Sly One,

I've just been wracking my brains on how to move forward on this manuscript. It's been really frustrating. It's bad enough that I realized I'm not going to make the deadline I had set, but to keep getting blocked on what to say is awful. I'm sure that a lot of this is because of my mental health issues and the measures being taken to resolve them. It am fairly confident that I am going to be feeling somewhat more like myself in a few weeks. It just bothers me to no end that I'm not feeling better right now.

The snowfall today was pretty intense. I think I may have over did it when I was shoveling the snow earlier. Honestly, I kinda found myself wishing for a flamethrower a few times. Ok, more then a few times, but you get the picture. I did my best to stay cheerful and pleasant towards everybody I encountered today. I even made a point of returning phone calls, though I just wanted to hole up somewhere and hide from everything. I don't know if this is a sign that I am making progress on the social phobia thing or not. I'm just going to keep taking those small steps in the hopes that maybe I can regain something of my life before I got disabled.

It's been tough trying to come to grips with that fact. Saturday was a really rough day. I wound up crying myself to sleep (quietly) over it all. I am torn between anger that I got like that and this weird mixture of disgust and shame over it. Beloved tells me that it's perfectly reasonable for me to feel so hurt and angry with it all. Freyr tells me that it's ok if I get scared by all this. I just keep getting mad at myself for having those feelings. It's something I'm probably going to bring up when I see my therapist next week. As much as I just wish I could ignore it all and have it magically go away, I know that it isn't going to and attempting to take that approach is going to do me more harm than good.

I feel sad that I don't have something happier to post today. Maybe once the medication adjustment takes full effect, I won't be such a downer. I'm embarrassed to report that the social phobia thing has been making it hard for me to actually sit down and talk with Odin about all of this. I've been panicking that he will be angry and disgusted with me over my weakness. As a result, I have been running in proverbial circles. I know that he's patient but it really is better if I screw my courage to the sticking place and talk to him. I just can't seem to do it, though. Panic overrides me and I sit there staring blankly into space as I perseverate over the idea that the Old Man is going to be angry with me for being disabled.

I am doing my best to keep the 'fragile bone' analogy in mind. It's been hard work to do so, honestly. I wish that mental illness didn't have so much shame attached to it. I wish that people were as willing to extend some consideration on this front as they are for people who have more 'sexy' diseases. But, I guess wishing for something like that is like wishing for the sky to suddenly change color to neon pink or something. There is a possibility it could happen, but the stats say that it's highly unlikely. It's the end of the day, though, so I can say 'fuck it' and go hide or something now. I'm rambling now, so I think I'll end this here.

Thank you, Loki, for being there for me. And for being the voice of logic when I get stuck in a mental loop that's unhealthy. And for making me laugh when I really don't want to. You're an awesome friend and I really appreciate all that you do.

2/3/15

Letters to Loki #10 : Have you seen my marbles? 'n stuff.

Hey there Flamehair,

Sorry about this being a day late. That snowday yesterday threw everything off. I am having a difficult time keeping an even temper over the last several days. I'm not sure if that means I'm going into a mixed episode or if I'm just ticked off with the kids. Either way, it's been hard to be happy about things.

I'm still working on that writing project. I'm getting worried, though, because I only have a few weeks before deadline and I'm starting to think I'm not going to make it. I am trying to stay optimistic but it's been really hard. I managed 30 pages on the manuscript last Thursday and I thought I was going to pull that off today. I have utterly failed at that. It's somewhat shaken my confidence on that front.

I see some of your other god-bothered folk struggling and that upsets me. I know that everybody has different life experiences and different experiences of you. I get that. I also get that you're a frigging god and what I've got to say is worth about as much as spit in the ocean. I'm still going to make the attempt because somebody's gotta do it. You need to ease up on these guys. They're doing the best they can.

You keep telling me not to have such insanely high demands for myself. It's not cool that you turn around and do that with these other folk. You know we humans are fragile in some areas. Could you give a little bit more care for these people? You're not exactly helping your cause by taking the present approach with them. I know, I know you're a god and you see things differently then I do. I know that your priorities are way the fuck different from ours. I get that. But something's gotta give. These people may at some point just say 'fuck you, I'm done.' and leave.

People don't stick around to be hurt repeatedly. Yeah, I know, running from a god is not a successful thing by any stretch of the imagination. But that doesn't stop someone who is intent on getting out. You know that you win more people with sugar then vinegar. How about giving them more sugar then vinegar and being more understanding of their limitations? You do it for me, why can't you do it for them? I know I'm not that much special then other people. We all have to take our britches off to use the can.

I care about you. I know you want these people around or you wouldn't be involved with them at all. How about treating them with some of the care and consideration you give to me? It doesn't cost that much effort and it will probably get you better results then continually 'button mashing'. I may not know how gods work but I kinda have a few ideas about people.

I don't want to see you alienating people who have cared about you. I know what it's like to have people who cared about you just go away. It sucks and I don't want to see that happen for you. It was bad enough when people turned away wholesale in the past. Pushing them away when they're trying to work with you is kinda a dick move, man. Especially when you say you want them to be working with you.

Some folks are probably going to get pissed with this letter. I guess I apologize for that, because it wasn't my intent to piss people off. I'm just asking you cut these people some slack. We're all fragile, not just some of us. That's all I'm saying.

I apologize for the argument last night, by the way. I was the one being dick and I'm sorry. Thanks for not completely kicking my ass over it. Though I would have understood it. So, I guess I've let you know what's up. I've made my attempt at intercession and said what I needed to. If there's something I can do to help things out with those people who are struggling, let me know. Because I want to help you win friends and stuff.

2/1/15

TPE: Humanity

How do you define “humanity”? What is your contribution to the collective space of humanity? How does your spiritual path support this definition and contributions? 
 
I define humanity as homo-sapiens. I believe that there are people who are born with spirits that are not strictly tied to the homo-sapient experience. I believe that the statistical likelihood of someone being born 'other souled' is significant enough that we can not discredit people who state they are having these experiences. The mechanics of being ensouled beings are too fuzzy in our understanding for us to really say there is a hard and fast rule that a person can not have lived previous lifetimes as one of the √°lfar or some other spiritual being yet to be described.

I don't know what my contribution to the collective space of humanity is. I do my best to be a kind and compassionate woman. I strive to raise my children to be the same. I do my best to stand up and speak on the behalf of those who are voiceless in our society and those who are victims, because I once was voiceless and a victim. I do my best to do what I understand to be the right thing in any given situation and to adhere to my personal code of honor. I also try to remember that other people have their own view upon the matter and take the approach that as long as nobody is getting hurt, then whatever goes.

My spiritual path says in one area that personhood is something that comes with having the ability to make choices. In another area, it basically says if you're homo-sapient then you're human. I rely on the latter because I refuse to deny the humanity of people who are unable to make choices (IE: a person in a persistent vegetative state or someone who has such severe mental illness that making simple decisions are functionally not possible). My spiritual path strongly encourage me to take the positions I do. The input from Filianism exhorts me to be compassionate, kind, and charitable. The input from the traditional witchcraft that I grew up with exhorts me to be responsible for my actions and honorable in my word and deed. The same is true for the heathenry input. All three encourage me to stand up and address injustice when I see it and to keep the greater good in mind when I engage in activities that would impact them.