Messages in a Pack of Cards

Waxing Ice Moon (Age: 1 day)

Sign: Pisces

Weather: Seasonably cold

Snow Pack status: dusting on the ground

Drought Status: D 0 - Unusually Dry

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For the first time in a long while, I had a tarot reading done for me. The cards pretty much bluntly told me to accept all of the changes happening in my life. And they told me to stop fighting it so hard, because it is really for my own damn good. (I could elaborate, but some of the stuff is somewhat private.)

Then, last night, I had some bad dreams. In between a few weird nightmare, however, there was a dream where I saw Rose, Stargazer, and my late Aunt. The three of them were sitting together on one side of a circular table. Rose had coffee, Stargazer had tea, and my Aunt had wine. The table looked like the last sliver of the old moon before a new moon. The wood was highly polished and well aged. The thin crescent of white wood was holly. The black wood was ebony. Between them and myself was a pack of very generic looking cards. They were like the size of the largest deck I own (cards were about as long as the length of my hand and almost as wide as my hand). They had a brown back with a seven rayed white star in the center.

Rose turned over the first card and put it before me. It was not like any tarot card I am familiar with. Sure, you could say it was the 'ace oft wands' or the 'ace of swords' depending on how you wanted to view the spear. It was, however, no normal spear image. The spear was most definitely Odin's spear, Gungnir. It was in 'direct' orientation. As I looked at the spear, I saw blood begin to appear on the sharpened edges and roll down the spearhead. It dripped down the spearhead, down the haft of the spear, and then spilled over the edge of the card to form a pool of blood on the side facing me.

Stargazer turned over the next card and set it beside the first. It had a shield that was broken. It was a round buckler styled shield that was split half way down from the top to the center, where the metal boss was. The buckler was with out any device on it. But it was blood red and a band of black went around the edge. Stuck into the split at the top of the shield was a broken antler. As I looked at the card, I could hear ravens and crows calling. And I could smell mud and blood.

My Aunt turned over the third card and set it on the right of Stargazer's card. This card started off looking like a white lily, much like the Easter Lilies. Then, the blossom faded and turned brown before falling off. The leaves of the lily lengthened and turned to sword blades pointing upward. At the place where the blossom was, a star was there. It was no ordinary star though. It was more like the flash of blinding brilliance that you see when something goes nova.

The three of them then set their hands on the deck. Rose said to me "You draw the next card." Stargazer said, "Remember where you are going and where you come from." And my Aunt said, "Remember we are with you." As I reached forward to the deck, I heard a screaming noise. It was this strange cross between something bestial, something avian, and something human, along with elements of rending metal.

I heard a voice behind me say quietly, "Be not afraid. I am with you." Then I could smell the scents of forge fire and deep forest. As I turned the fourth card, that screaming noise became even more tortured. I saw natural disasters of all shapes happening in that card all at the same time. It was visual cacophony. The last thing I saw, however, was a man dressed in black standing behind someone who had light shone on him. The man in black was standing with his back to me, as was the person who was in the light (and a royal blue throne, with out gilding). The man's hair was cut short and he was standing at something like parade rest. His hair color was dark, but I couldn't tell for certain. He held an unsheathed dagger behind his back.

Somehow, I knew that THIS was our enemy.

Then I had another nightmare about shoveling snakes with a snow shovel. (It was super weird. When I woke up, I was going 'what the actual fuck?)

Dreams

Waning Gibbous Harvest Moon (Age: 19 days)

Sign: Gemini

Weather: Cool, cloudy with a threat of rain

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Last night was really busy on the dreamscape. The first one that I had, I was sitting at a bus stop, waiting for a bus to go to Marketplace mall. (Mind you this place is about 2 hours away via the bus route that comes through here. It is 20 miles away from where I live. This is part of the reason why I'm glad we own a car.) Two things struck me as odd, which jarred me into lucid dreaming. The first was that my sleepy little town looked like it was a suburb of Baltimore. The other thing was the fact that there were no people around but myself, despite the fact that it was the middle of the day.

Shortly after I transitioned into lucid dreaming, a man in a dark blue dyed leather long coat and a brown wide brimmed hat pulled down low walked up and sat down beside me. He was not a small man by any stretch of the imagination. Very tall and broad of shoulder, I knew that between his manner of dress and his size, it was Odin.

I looked over at him and was surprised by two things. First, he had both eyes and, second, he appeared to be about my age rather than that of my father (or older). I greeted him with 'Hello, All-Father.' and he scoffed. Then he bemusedly chided me for being so formal and told me to call him dad. He reached into a pocket of his jacket and pulled out a fixed blade knife. 

It looked similar to my ritual knife (double edged, brass pommel and cross guard, with a brown wooden grip) but the blade was 5 inches long rather than the 3 of my ritual knife. The sheath of the knife was black with a unicursal knotwork design in red. The longer I looked at the design, the more shapes I saw in it. The one that showed up the most was a snake. I saw a pair of birds in the pattern and a wolf as well. The three animals didn't surprise me that much. I mean, they are Odin's animals. It was the butterflies that threw me for a loop.

I was about to ask him about it when he said, "You need a new knife. Take it." I reached over to take it and a queer feeling passed over me. I felt like my skin was tight, dry, and itchy. Like all of it was dead and needed to come off. He said, "That's the snake. You need to shed your skin too. This doesn't fit you any more. Change or die. And I'd prefer change for you." That strange sensation went away and I heard Huginn and Muninn calling, though I couldn't see them. He smiled as I looked around for them before setting a hand on my shoulder.

That was when I had the feeling of one bird perched on my left shoulder and the other on my knee. I couldn't see them, but I could hear them and feel them there. I was confused because their calls weren't very loud. They were actually pretty quiet. I suspect they were restraining themselves because of how close they were to me. "They are always with you. Yes, they fly the Nine Worlds and about Midgard, but they are with you. If you need me, call out. They will tell me and I will come," he explained, "I will always come. Because you are my daughter."

The wolves came out of a shadow that was literally on the side of the building. There was no place they could have been because they came out of the side of a building where the shadow lay. It was kinda weird, but I'm coming to the conclusion that weird just happens with gods involved. I don't think it is something that Loki has cornered the market on, yet. (And yes, I think there is playful rivalry between him and Odin for strangeness. Because I've noticed that they have a similar sense of humor.) Freki and Geri approached and sat down between us.

Freki headbutted my right knee until I finally scratched him between the ears. The wolves acted just like domesticated dogs. Their tails wagged happily as they got pets. Freki moved a bit and Geri got pets while Freki just leaned against my legs and wagged his tail. They seemed really happy and really sweet. It was totally not what I expected. Odin watched me as I petted the wolves. As I got comfortable with them, he just had a huge smile. Like he was watching a kid get a Yule gift they always wanted. I looked at him, kinda confused by the smile. He told me, "They'll come to you when you need protection. They will drive away danger and defend you, and your children. You are now part of their pack," he said sounding like he was going to start chuckling at any moment, "You know how wolves are about their pack."

Then asked him why I saw the butterflies. He scooted closer and wrapped an arm around my shoulders. He gave me a hug and said, "Why, that's you." I wanted to ask him more questions but he stood up. The ravens vanished from where they were perched on me to be visibly perched on his shoulders. The wolves came to his side as he set a hand on the crown of my head. He didn't say anything, but I knew that he blessed me. I felt this curious combination of warmth and chill come from his hand and go over me. It was confusing. He then said to me, "Be good." before walking off into the shadows and vanishing.

I wasn't confused by the 'be good' comment. I know exactly what he is talking about. I'm a little conflicted on how I feel about his casual, and really subtle, acknowledgement of the D/s thing going on between Loki and I. A part of me is kinda uncomfortable and feeling like something that should be super private isn't now. Another part of me is relieved that he isn't upset with me and my submissive role. It's a conflicted thing for me. I'm sure that it will resolve eventually. And I'm pretty sure that Loki will have something to say about my feeling conflicted. He usually has opinions on my getting like that over stuff.

I am a little concerned about the fact that Odin didn't include Beloved in the people that his wolves will protect. Loki assures me that it is because Beloved doesn't need supported defense like I do or is defenseless like the kids. The gods and the dead always tell me not to worry so much about Beloved because he's got everything squared away. It is hard to keep that in mind, to be honest.

The other dream I had was of Loki. I'm not surprised, looking back on it all, that where one went the other showed up. This dream, however, wasn't the kinky stuff that has been happening a fair amount of late. Thankfully, it wasn't him and I fighting again either. We were back at the river from my other dream. I was kinda worried about having to do the bucket thing again, but it didn't happen. Instead, there was the upstream portion of the river where all the rocks were getting a rime of ice over it and the downstream part of the river where the pools were that were steaming slightly. Somehow, I knew it was because those waters were almost boiling hot.

I was going to ask Loki why the water was like that when he shoved me and I fell into the water. At first I was worried that I was going to be burned or get dangerously cold as I fell. Then I hit the water and things got really weird. Like, through the looking glass kind of weird. I fell through the water into another place. It was dark in there. I couldn't fully recognize it because of how dark it was but it felt uncomfortably familiar.  It was like I fell through a doorway and managed to catch myself right before I completely fell to the ground. I took a few steps forward and then Loki followed me through that 'door'. 

I was getting progressively more and more anxious and uncomfortable standing there. "Need a light?" Loki asked and I just wanted to go back through that 'door' and get out of the little room that felt full of stuff. Then Loki turned on a light and I immediately knew why I felt anxious and a little sick standing there. We were standing in the room that N. raped me in. I wanted to demand to know why we were there when the door that was to the room rattled and the light went out. I knew exactly what was going to happen next. I saw the door open and myself and N. walk into the room. I turned away so I couldn't see what was going to happen more as the memory played out (weirdly with me as an observer rather than experiencing it).

Loki put his hands on my shoulders and turned me around. I saw things starting to unfold and I closed my eyes. Loki told me to open them. I wanted to argue with him when he said I needed to see it. I could hear myself telling N. to stop and I started shaking. I felt like I was going to be sick. He said I needed to open my eyes to see that what I remember was real. I started to cry. I told him that I wanted to forget.

He wasn't angry or upset in any fashion. He was actually very calm and compassionate when he said, "You will never forget the moments that define you. Even when you think you have." I covered my face with my hands as I listened to things happening, and I started crying. Loki stepped up close behind me and wrapped me up in a big hug. "You haven't lost your mind," he said, "All of this is real. All of your memories are just that, memories. You would never make something like this up. You would lie to tell people you are fine or not afraid. You would lie to hide what you think is a weakness or any evidence of it. Believe yourself. Trust your memories."

Things changed somehow. It was no longer dark and the air felt warm. Loki told me to open my eyes and I discovered we were back at the river's edge. Loki was still holding me but I was standing so that I was facing him with my hands on his chest. He said solemnly, "Believe in yourself. You do not lie." He then added with a fond smile, "And when you try, you don't do it very well." I was still feeling upset, sick, and scared. Loki just held me as I kinda cried and tried to speak at the same time. I managed to get out that I didn't want it to be real. He got this sad, knowing look on his face. That was when he told me, "I know. I know exactly how it is. But you can not change it. This is what is. This is what happened. You can not push it away or will it into non-existence. Not even gods can do that. Trying will only break you. Stop fighting it. Let your tears flow."

He smiled a little bit and then said, "That's what Freyja would want, you know." I tried to get angry and push all the painful feelings away, but I couldn't. Then I just sobbed and felt like I was broken by how I just lost it. I started crying and I just couldn't stop. Each time I tried to stop, I hurt more and I cried harder. Loki just held me and smoothed my hair. He muttered soothing things and reassuring things to me. After a while, I stopped crying.

It wasn't because the pain was gone. It wasn't because the grief or the feelings of guilt were gone. I just, couldn't do it. Loki just said very quietly, "And there it is." I didn't understand. I woke up still confused by that.

A video, as requested by Loki

Waning Gibbous Harvest Moon (Age: 18 Days)

Sign: Taurus

Weather: Cool, partly cloudy

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I have no idea why, but Loki requested that I make a little video and post it up. I don't really have anything to say. But he wanted me to make the video and remind people that he loved them. So, here's my video. I apologize if it is really derpy.

Things have been better this week. I have been making a point of using neutral self talk when I can't use something nice. It is really hard because I keep catching myself saying things like 'I'm so stupid.' when I make a mistake. I don't know how I feel about this video, to be honest. There is literally zero point in it beyond showing my face and telling people that Loki loves them (in my opinion). But, Loki says it is important to helping me break this habit of negative self talk, so I did it.

I know there is a method to what he is up to. I just don't get it. But, I don't get what Loki does most of the time. Sometimes he pauses to point out the logic of it. Most of the time I'm just baffled and go along to see what the end result will be. I am doing my best not to question everything. I catch myself about to ask what the point to stuff is or why I am important in any fashion. It is just as hard to keep myself from doing that as it is to stop this negative self talk thing.

My mistakes, however, are being tolerated because I try to fix them as soon as they happen. This whole practicing kindness towards myself feels awkward and uncomfortable. Freyr assures me that it will get better as I keep doing it. He's been talking to me about my writing stuff. I am somewhat intimidated by this whole posting on different topics as per a schedule. I kinda worry that I am going to have this flame out like it did the last time. Loki and Freyr are assuring me that this time it is different.

So, I am going to trust them and keep at it. And if I get sick and find myself unable to post, I will at least note that I am not well and will return to that topic when I am better. Speaking of getting back to things, I have returned to revising stuff on the fantasy series I'm writing. It is kinda boring right now. I want to start writing book six but revision is important. As per Odin's advice, I am making a point of organizing everything but it's rough with so many books. 

I got a very strong shove to get to work on putting stuff into order last night when I got many error messages on the desktop that I was running out of memory. I'm pretty sure that was engineered by the All Father. So, I spent my evening going through files rather than watching cat videos on Youtube. I have no idea what I'm doing with this stuff. I mean, I am ok on the write-read-revise-rewrite process. That is the only part of all this that I know what I'm doing. Odin keeps nudging me to do more to promote my stuff but I've been balking because I'm afraid of rejection.

His answer to this is "If there is no hope, then there is nothing to lose. Try anyways." So, I'm posting stuff on Twitter (my handle on there is @Lady_Brythwen). This whole process feels like the emotional, mental, and psychic equivalent to the discomfort of when the wound drain was pulled out after I healed up from my appendectomy. (I can't believe that was 8 years ago, where did the time go?) I feel things shifting around inside of me. It is uncomfortable. Honestly, it kinda hurts and it is a bit scary. They keep telling me that I'll be fine. Actually, Freyr's cheerful words of encouragement last night when I brought this up was, "You'll be better than fine."

I laughed when he said it. It was a turn of phrase that I'd have expected from Loki not Freyr. He, however, has been making a point of doing things that I hadn't expected for a few days now. And, like Loki and my dozen spirit companions (honestly, I have no idea how many of the dead are around me. I turn around and there's new ones all the time. It's frustrating and weird.), Freyr has been telling me that I don't laugh enough and I take myself far too seriously. I have no idea what to say to that, if anything.

Awkward things re: gods and their wants.

Last Quarter Corn Moon (Age: 22 days)

Sign: Gemini

Weather: Hot, sultry, and uncomfortable

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Sometimes the gods specifically request things that I'm not 100% comfortable with. I recognize that a lot of my hang ups are unhealthful for me. And that these requests are serving a dual purpose. That said, it gets really awkward on a semi-regular basis now. I think the most difficult thing for me, right now, is the devotional erotica. Because most of what I have been writing is what I've experienced with them. And I have never been fully comfortable talking about my sex life. I have a hard time writing erotic letters to my husband, whom I've know for 30+ years. And saying it verbally, that just doesn't happen with out my turning the color of a tomato.

Them wanting the last of the alcohol, which I was hoping to have, to them telling me how they want me to dress once in a while, it gets uncomfortable. I know that I have autonomy. I know that I can tell them know. I also know that telling them no leads to some upset and makes domestic harmony a bit challenging. The times where I've told them no, it is because I just can't bring myself to do something. And they will grumble about it but let the matter drop for a while. Then they ask again, because I might have changed just enough that it will be possible.

The one thing that they've never asked is for me to put aside my health and welfare. (In fact they get quite upset when I am not taking care of myself properly. And, boy, do I hear about it.) And they've never asked that I compromise my relationships with my husband or my children. And I don't think they'll ever do that. I think that gods have hard limits too. And those might be two of 'em.

I try to push through the awkwardness and make things happen. It doesn't go gracefully or as I think it should in my ridiculously excessively high standards. But, it gets done. And I guess that is what matters. I can be uncomfortable and still do things.

Hail the All Father.

I was feeling miserable this morning after waking up from a nightmare and a stressful week. Then this popped up on my Facebook feed. The timing was amazing. I was feeling like a failure and a disappointment. Then I saw this and blinked. Then I smiled.

Thanks Odin, I needed that. Love you too.

Letters to Loki No. 31 (untitled)

Dear Loki,

I have been running in circles since my last letter trying to get everything done with getting The Dragon Child of Evandar to press. I'm at the point where the hard cover copies are out and available for purchase via Lulu.com and the paperback should be ready about the same time as the e-book. If everything works out right with that, it should be next week. I'm honestly nervous about all of this.

I know that you, Odin, and Freyr all want me to aggressively pursue making this happen. Looking at what all these 'sell your book' blogs have, I get the unpleasant butterflies in my stomach. It is a lot of meet the public kind of stuff and I get seized with this fear that I am going to make an idiot out of myself. I am going to make the effort, but I am scared. Like Freyr has said, courage is doing something despite the fear. As much as I am uncomfortable with this, I want to make it happen even more.

I am at something of a loss for how to proceed forward. These blogs have a laundry list of ideas where one can start. It is rather overwhelming. I feel like I should print the list off and throw a dart to pick where to begin. If you have any suggestions, that would be awesome. It isn't as bad as trying to make sense of the alphabet soup that is the information I've been reading about autism, but it is confusing. I know that I need to get more work out on the world building blog. These book blogs have been talking about posting daily and making regular posts via Twitter and Facebook focused on the work you're producing.

I have two entirely separate things going on and I don't know if just the one Twitter account is going to work well for it. I have my heart behind the fantasy novels but I have the witchery books that I am working on. You and Odin are right, by the way, there appears to be a really good market for 'em. The trick is making my 'brand' known and I'm a bit unsure what my 'brand' is. I'm sort of all over the place right now. How do I focus it all into one thing? I know I'll figure it out eventually. Right now, I am just trying to formulate my plan of attack with all of this.

I'm glad you enjoyed the pickled banana pepper. I still don't get how you insist it goes well with my super sugary coffee. The combination of vinegar with coffee is pretty bad to me but if it works for you, go for it. I made that set of prayer/worry beads like you suggested. They're sitting on the altar right now. I have no idea what to do with them. I have multiple sets and the ones that I made previously for my attempted Etsy shop. If you have someone you want me to send them to, let me know. Oh, one last note, picking the heroic kung fu music to accompany my post is pretty funny. You managed to make me grin with that one. Shufflemancy FTW!

Palmyra, Daesh, and Disappointment.

Waxing Buck Moon (Age: 5 days)

Sign: Virgo

Weather: Partly cloudy, humid, warm

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In case you haven't read it in the news, Daesh (the group known as ISIS or ISIL, though I refuse to call it anything other then Daesh) has laid mines around the ancient ruins of the city of Palmyra. It has been described as holding this world heritage site hostage. A description that, honestly, I agree with. I fear that the Syrian government will not be successful in recapturing the city of Palmyra and that Daesh will destroy this important site. I try not to think about those fears because brooding upon them feeds them more energy and may help this terrible possibility manifest. I confess, however, I am fearful of what Daesh will do.

I have read of what evil people have used magically to bolster themselves and I have no illusions that Daesh is employing some form of magic towards their ends. Seeing what they have done over the last year, I am deeply troubled by what they are engaged in. Daesh is reshaping the landscape of the Middle East in blood to something that only in mouthed words resembles Islam. They are persecuting, torturing, and murdering people who come across their path who do not ascribe to their vision. They are destroying ancient sites that are vital to the history of the region (and the world) because of their objection to the ancient faiths that were practiced there but they are selling off artifacts to fund their campaign of terror. I look at Daesh and I am horrified by what they are, what they have wrought, and what their apparent vision of the future is. 

I look at this extremism and I fear for the people that live under that rule and those who are caught within its grasp. When I look to the United States and I see the growing attitudes of Christian extremism, I feel deep disgust and disappointment. When I see the systemic racism in my homeland being justified as 'biblicaly sound' attitudes, my disappointment deepens. Do I believe the extremists in the US are going to be as violent as Daesh? I don't think that will be an immediate thing but if they gain traction, they will become so. 

I pray for these people to be halted in their efforts to oppress others. I pray that their views will not gain adherents. I pray for justice to be done for all whom these people have harmed. But, sometimes, I feel that my prayers are not enough. When the shooting in Charleston happened, I was not surprised to learn of the gunman's philosophical leanings. It is but another manifestation of the same extremists who bomb Planned Parenthood and similar 'abortion' clinics. It is but another manifestation of the same extremists who think murdering gay and transgender people is a proper thing to do. When these evils are enacted, I feel powerless to do anything about them.

I will confess, I have something of a soft heart. When I read of these tragedies, I grieve for all who are afflicted by them. I despair for the future. And then I pray for justice and healing. I have been feeling of late that my prayers are not enough in the face of this evil. Odin has been strongly encouraging me to apply magic to the problems. Indeed, one of the ways he has been encouraging me to apply magical effort is by way of curses. I was feeling rather squicked by the concept of throwing curses around up until recently.

Perhaps my discomfort with curses came from the 'lightworker' heritage that I bear in my training. Or perhaps it comes from my fears that engaging in such things will bring disaster upon my house (as I had been told in the past by someone that I then respected). I realized, however, as I read of the Charleston massacre, the murder of several young trans-people, and Daesh's latest actions in Palmyra, that my discomfort is something of an attempt to avoid stepping up to oppose what feels like an overwhelming opposition. This is something that is unacceptable. 

So, over the next month, I will be working on spells to hinder and neutralize these evil people. My discomfort must not stop me from acting because it is wrong for me not to do something when I have the capacity to lend even a small bit of effort towards stopping this evil. As I work up these spells, I will post the 'recipes' on here. It is my hope that some of my readers who are comfortable (morally) with taking these actions will join me in doing so. I will be continuing my prayers for justice to be had for the victims and for their healing.

I may be but one person, but I can pray and cast spells with the best of 'em. Aside from this, I can continue to take a stance in my dealings with others that opposes these evils when they come to light.

The matter of ISIL

New Flower Moon (Age: 0 days)

Sign: Taurus

Weather: Warm, fair skies

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It was with great deliberation and much consultation with my Dísir that I came to the conclusion that it was appropriate to curse ISIL. They had added on another focus but I am not to speak of it until the full moon. Yesterday, I performed the curse on ISIL and I did so under the guidance of my Dísir. This really was the first time I have done magic with the active participation of the Dísir. I honestly have no idea how this will effect the manifestation of the spell's results.

They told me to do the exact opposite of my usual curse breaking spell. My usual curse breaking spell consists of taking three thorns, grinding them to a powder, and burning them. As I do so, I focus on the malevolent magic and energies that have been directed at someone and drive them down into the earth to dissipate. It sometimes is harder to do when I haven't much invested personally in the outcome of the spell. I think that is because I do my most effective magic when my heart is entwined with it.

 

The curse on ISIL was assembled in the physical realm by taking three thorns and driving them into a candle at varying intervals. As I lit the candle, I declared what the results of the curse would be and the target. I then allowed the candle to burn completely. It was interesting because as the candle burned, it cracked apart where the thorns pierced it. Also, the candle continued to burn for a little while when the wax about the wick was used up. I am more then a little bit certain that last bit was the hands of the Dísir. 

 

Unlike other spells I have done recently, I did not feel a great flow of power from myself into the flame. In this instance, I saw the flame drawing energy to it and then that energy was sent elsewhere. I also had the distinct impression that there were more deities then Loki, Freya, Odin, and Tyr observing (if not influencing) this. When the candle had burned down and extinguished itself, I disposed of all the remnants, taking care not to touch the components. I had the candle set in a 'bowl' made of aluminum foil. I did this because I didn't want to have the trouble of cleaning wax out of a candle holder. When I realized that the action also preserved me from handling the miasmic leavings of the spell, I immediately wondered if I had been guided to do so by the gods. 

While ISIL is causing havoc in the middle east, I've noticed that all of the old gods have sat up and taken notice (with more then a little displeasure). They've also been taking note of the other group that I was directed to include as a focus. I did a separate ritual for that. This second ritual has a longer time frame then the first. I think this means that the first will manifest more quickly. I feel that something is moving beneath the surface and the spells I have done this phase of the moon are going to have some far reaching consequences.

I was careful to manufacture the spells so that the blow back was as carefully directed as the spells themselves. I know that sending energy out means that energy returns to you. The curse that I sent out was crafted in such a fashion that the energy that returns will be something that removes harmful things from my life. Oddly enough, it was Freya's direct guidance that engineered that. I did a lot of the heavy lifting whilst she gave directions.

I haven't done divination on what the results of this will be. I am not going to either. I will just let it be as it is and let the plethora of gods deal with it. I have more immediate concerns to deal with right now. And perseverating on how the spell will manifest is only going to make me stressed out. ISIL and the others have kicked a hornets' nest. My actions merely funnel the direction of the hornets on to them. And that was all I, honestly, was willing to do.

Could I have gone farther with it? Yes. But I didn't think it was worth the fall out from doing so. And neither did my Dísir. And when all else fails, it's good to listen to the ancestors because they usually have a perspective that you don't on such things as magic.

Letters to Loki #18 - I believe.

Hey there Sly One,

I've been having a rough couple of days. I got really anxious about Cuddle Bear's trip to the dentist, because the last several attempts were horrific and the previous folks didn't want him to come back. Apparently terrified screaming is not conducive to a dental office's pleasant environment. Go figure, right? In my anxiety, I basically asked you and everyone else I could think of for help making sure that visit worked out well. I have to say, it was a huge success and I really appreciate that. He is actually looking forward to seeing the dentist again in the future.

When my anxiety wasn't running over me roughshod, I just wasn't feeling well. I haven't been sleeping well again and it's got me dealing with a mixture of depression and a sense of futility/hopelessness. It's been a difficult act of will to make myself push forward right now. All I want to do is sleep. It didn't help that I woke up about five times last night. Losing about an hour and a half of sleep just doesn't help me function on a good day, let alone when things aren't well.

I have caught myself questioning a lot of things today, especially when the day got rough. The questions all revolved around my competence, my abilities, and my sanity. Nowhere in the midst of all that did I find myself questioning if you or the others care. I didn't start telling myself that the attitude of caring and compassion that I have received from you and the others was some kind of sick game. It served to knock me out of that mental loop.

So many other times, when I have gotten stuck in that pattern, I questioned everyone's affection towards me. This time, I wasn't questioning if the affection was genuine from you, Freyr, the other gods, or the people who are in my life, such as my husband. I'm cautiously optimistic that this is a sign that I am finally getting past that bit of negative conditioning. I don't have much faith in myself right now. But my faith in everyone else is unshaken right now. And I'm thankful for that. Because no matter how wonky my brain may get, I can find reassurance in the fact that y'all have got my back, and remembering that fact.

It's pretty big and I thought I should share that.

Skydiving weddings and stuff.

Waxing Worm Moon (Age: 5 Days)

Sign: Taurus

Weather: bitterly cold,

snow is projected

Snowpack: 2.5 ft, approx.?

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I fell asleep on the couch this morning. I had a headache and figured sleeping would make it go away because coffee and tylenol wasn't touching it. Fortunately, sleep did cure my headache but boy did I have some strange dreams. I dreamed that I officiated a polyamorous wedding that just happened to be done mid-air whilst skydiving. As someone who thinks jumping out of perfectly good airplanes is crazy talk, I was baffled by this dream. 

I also dreamed that I was shoveling endless amounts of snow. I know that one is the fruit of the recent weather and the fact that I have been doing a lot of snow shoveling. As I said elsewhere, I think the only positive I can see about this bitterly cold and snowy weather is that I am getting a good workout when I shovel. The dream was strangely pleasant. I didn't feel like Sisyphus but rather like an excavator working a gold strike. There was excitement about shoveling that I, honestly, haven't felt since I was a child and shoveling snow meant there was more to use in making snowforts and snowmen. Perhaps the dream is some encouragement from my unconscious mind to take time to go out and play in the snow with the kids. If the weather isn't so blastedly bitter, perhaps we'll do something.

I haven't been doing much on my tarot reading stuff. I pretty much gave up hope of having the energy and focus to do it with this last, extended depressive episode. I was still in the midst of that despairing mindset when a friend on Facebook asked me for a tarot reading. It went really well and Loki nudged me in the shoulder kinda hard. I guess I am better at this tarot reading stuff then I feel I am. As per his encouragement, I am back on Keen attempting to do this stuff again. It is kinda hard because I'm, quite frankly, afraid of other people. Social phobia is hugely a problem when it comes to marketing and being able to take calls. Still, Loki thinks I can do it and do it well. So I'm going to jump back into this with both feet and hope the water isn't too cold.

I've been trying to reach out to Odin to get his thoughts on a few things. I have a feeling that I've been dreaming of him at night. The problem is, I don't really remember the dreams too well when I wake up in the morning. I think I'm going to sit down with one of my many divination tools and do a question and answer session. I am leaning towards using runes, though I feel a little gunshy on that one. I kinda had my self confidence shaken a little while back when I forgot the meanings of them. I suppose this is another thing that I should just jump back in with both feet and give it the old college try. (Idioms, what idioms?)

TPE: B is for Belligerent

Belligerent is not a word most people think of in a positive aspect. Honestly, it is the case of my turning the concept on its ear right now, because belligerent almost always has a negative connotation. You know what else has a negative connotation? Not being part of the mainstream religious set. The farther you move away from that mainstream activity and the more pressure you get from society to bend back into their comfortable norms. The problem is, the norms are comfortable for THEM and not YOU.

When confronting this as a young woman, I got angry. Then I got belligerent. When people did things like called me Satan's whore, I didn't just shrug off their comment. I got right back in their faces and challenged them to prove it. I demanded that they produce evidence that their accusations held water. This lead to a few narrowly avoided physical confrontations and my locker being the target of theft several times. It was, however, something that I just couldn't 'ignore' them and hope it would go away.

People say that if you ignore bullies they'll go away. That's not exactly true. They'll keep at it until they are satisfied with the damage they caused. This means that they'll escalate the harassment until they get the reaction they want out of you. I got belligerent and dug my heels in when I hit the point that the harassment became unmanageable by non-confrontational means. I had people tell me that I was getting angry over nothing, but they weren't in the position of having people telling you all the time that your way of life was wrong and that you deserved what you got (and worse) because you simply weren't Christian. They weren't in a position where they had to struggle with the question of if you said or did the wrong thing, would the bullies go after your younger siblings. (That happened once. That bully had the misfortune of taking on all three of us at once due to that. And we didn't fight fair, we fought with what ever worked. My only regret about that instance is that we didn't draw blood from that little shit.)

Sometimes, you just can't be passive. Sometimes you have to dig your heels in and get ready to fight. The trick is recognizing what battles are worth waging and what ones are not. In the USA, there's been an uptick in the 'conservative' Christian rhetoric. It has lead to people who just want to practice their religion in peace being the subject of harassment that goes beyond someone spitting on your and having terrible things to say about you, your family, and what their opinion of your afterlife is going to be. People are being told that they can't have a church because its not some flavor of Christianity. People are being told that they can't participate in public prayer because they're not part of that accepted group. There are people who are dealing with their lives and livelihoods in danger all because they're openly practicing their religion.

I wish it was as simple as screaming Odin and beating the piss out of the biggest jerk in the room. But we're not kids in the schoolyard anymore. And anyways, the schoolyard has become a more dangerous place over the years. A shoving match and a few punches have been morphing into collective beat-downs. (Do a few google searches on the topic of violence in schools and you'll find evidence of it. It's repulsive.) Now, we have to fight smarter. We have to take the fight into the courts and press it as high and as far as it will go. We have to take the fight into the larger community and reveal the bigots for what they are, generally the western equivalent of the nutjobs who are out there as terrorists in the world. When it becomes necessary to defend ourselves with force, we must always make a point of never being the one who starts the fight and always being the one who finishes it.

We need to get angry and be belligerent. Nobody is going to ride to our rescue. We have to do it ourselves. And if we don't do it, how much worse is it going to be for the next generation? Because these kinds of problems don't just go away. They fester and get worse as time progresses.

I stopped running in circles.

Waxing Hunter's moon (Age 6 days)

Sign: Sagittarius

Weather: Fair skies, exceptionally warm

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I suppose I should make this kinda official. It's going to make some changes going forward, I'm more then certain of that. At the Equinox, I said yes to Freyr. I honestly don't know what to expect going forward. He tells me that this is a good thing because I won't have preconceived notions getting in my way. I am a touch anxious about all this. He and Loki have deemed this to be adorable, with Freyja at one point chiming in that adorable really wasn't strong enough.

I suppose it is a good sign when Freyr's sister says this is a good thing. Sigyn and Loki decided to sit me down at the kitchen table to have a very frank discussion about marriage with deities. And yes, that even included a rendition of the birds and bees. I was stammering for a good portion of my part of the conversation and looked about the color of a tomato for most of it. Still, I am going to go forward with this.

As unconventional as it might sound, I have come to love him. It's not the starry eyed infatuation kind of love. It's more like realizing that you've been in love with your best friend since 4th grade kind of thing. (Yes, that was Beloved and I, and everyone did say 'it took you long enough.') I've been feeling terribly unprepared for all of this. 

Freyr has been bubbling with delight over it all. It gives me warm fuzzies to be the reason why he has that huge grin plastered on his face. He looks so lovely when he smiles. It's been a lot of meditation, prayer, and divination for the past year (approximately). In the course of it all, Freyr keeps making clear that he wants me to be his bride. It's all a very awkward thing for me to say. 

But, that's the big news from my neck of the woods. He's been telling me that he's been planning the rites for the last year. I honestly don't know what to expect from that. Odin's been making his presence known more over the last few weeks. He was more then delighted with my accepting Freyr's proposal.

The All-Father seems to be of the mind that this will lead me farther along the path of who I am supposed to be. Some days, I wonder if he and Loki sit there and play matchmaker. One of those things where it's not the womenfolk who are nudging people towards each other but the menfolk, with all the same glee. But, what do I know, I'm not a god.