Godspousery Notes: Being Flooded With Ideas ...

Dear Reader,

When I am struggling with just my short 4 line prayers in Tumblr, being flooded with ideas for things to write is almost painful. Loki has been throwing ideas at me for Filianic texts. Freyr has been throwing at me ideas for book series that I have been working on. And then there's the ideas that pop up in the middle of the night as questions that I wrestle with for a spell before falling back to sleep.

It's maddening to have all these ideas weighing on my mind even as I am struggling to write anything. I know that I have two of my biggest cheerleaders in these two. They're super proud of anything I accomplish because they just know how hard it is. I just wish I wasn't so tired or dealing with fall out from my disabilities all the time. That's what really gets in my way.

But both Loki and Freyr are insisting I can do this despite my troubles. I just need more faith in myself. That's kinda the opposite of what I've been feeling because of my brain issues. But they assure me that it will get better.

Godspousery Notes: Touched by Freyr

 Some days, some times, I don't feel them with me. But they leave a trail of evidence that's impossible to deny. In the case of Freyr, virtually every plant that can bloom in my home is blooming right now. Including one that I've owned for ten years and had nary a bud before now. Baby plants are forming off of other plants that have been relatively dormant. The 'indoor jungle' (as Beloved calls it) is lush and beautiful. It's not my green thumb. It's Freyr. 

I just give the plants water and hope they don't die. He has laid his hand upon them and they're flourishing. To the point that I am going to need to figure out how to repot half of them. The outside gardens are doing just as well despite the fact that we're edging closer to drought. All these green babies are love notes and encouragement for me to keep pushing on because life will find away.

Godspousery Notes: 4 / 3 of 2022

I am currently depressed. Seasonal affective disorder is stupid and I hate it. I pulled a rune card out of my deck to use for this week's Rune Study post on my other blog and this is the one that popped up. My feelings were a bit bitter at first. Joy when you're depressed is kinda fleeting if not impossible some days. Still, this is the rune that popped up randomly.

I have been trying to find the humor in the absurd, which Loki always reminds me is happening everywhere if you look hard enough. Again, a bit of a bitter laugh but I'm fairly sure that Scar-Lip has been stealing my sleep masks. I've now gone through five and they are nowhere to be found. I go to bed with one on and wake up in the middle of the night to have it missing off my face. If Loki's slick enough to steal Freyja's necklace while she's sleeping, I know this would be like taking candy from a small child. It's as absurd as it is irritating.

Frey's been quiet this week. I'm not surprised given how bitterly cold it has been here. It makes it harder to make a connection with him off season.

Godspousery Notes: 3 / 2 of 2022

 Story time. Way back about two years before the pandemic hit, Freyr asked me to sacrifice my long hair to him. Now, at the time, my hair came down to my hips and was a lot darker. I attempted not too long before this request to dye my hair royal blue and nothing happened, it was a waste of time and money. The only place it showed up was in the witch's streak of white that I have over my left eyebrow and then it didn't show up that well. (I've had this streak of white hair since I was a kid. Got picked on about it. I literally laughed when I found out that they were called witch's streaks many years later.) I agreed, figuring it was hair. It'll grow back and it's not a big deal.

Cue two years where I couldn't stand the feeling of hair longer than my chin. Cue two years where I struggled to find a look that suited me. Last September, I found the perfect look. Then Freyr was asking me to wait a little bit on getting it cut. My hair barely came down to my shoulders and was frustrating me. I couldn't really do anything with it. It got in my eyes all the time but didn't work well with the different styles I had for scarves and veiling. And, the greatest insult, it was thinning and coming out because it was too long for the roots to do a good job of holding on to it. So, the last weekend of September, I got my hair cut.

In the top picture is what my hair looked like before I got the big cut. Freyr was worried that I was going to be distraught about losing my long locks. I was of a mind that this didn't count as long. After all, when I first had cut my hair for him, it came down to my hips. He really didn't want me to make a decision that I was going to regret. His anxiety over it all was sweet. 

I was frustrated with my hair and ready for a change. I was unhappy that I was having hair falling out. I didn't like the way it looked and the fact that I couldn't do anything with it but throw a kertchief on and hope it didn't get too annoying. It was barely long enough to put into a ponytail again. The change to my hair style was a matter of quality of life for me. It was a matter of doing my best to live authentically. I wasn't sure how it was going to change my veiling practices but I knew that I had to do something different. Loki was wildly excited about the new look I wanted and insisted it was perfect for me.

This lower picture is what I got done a few weeks later. For the first time in a long time, I was really ecstatic with my hair. Sure, the grey showed up a lot more. My head was chilly when the wind blew, but I felt like myself more than I had in a long time. I had absolutely no idea how I was going to manage veiling when I went out into public. I aside from the assortment of scarves, I have a good number of hats. Suddenly, my options were larger because I didn't have to worry about hair peeking out from beneath the hat if I decided to wear one out as my head covering.

I was also delighted because it further obscured my recognizability from people who had previously been in my life that I had cut out for sanity reasons. Between the faux hawk, the goth look, and a mask, they could be standing right beside me and not recognize me at all so long as I kept silent. The last time those people saw me, I didn't even have glasses. All good things in my opinion.

Today, I finally figured out how to make a blue and gold pashmina that I love work as a headscarf. It did wonders for keeping my head warm during this cold day. I was happy with it. I am struggling with depression but I'm working at getting better with self-care and being persistent in my effort to be authentic. Freyr came around on the hair style when he realized how happy I have remained with it. He was pleased when I managed to do this wrap, because it meant that I had figured out a way to veil with out getting frustrated with my hair.

I'm still getting used to my new bifocals. But, that's a story for another day. Loki is still insisting that I look 'kick ass' with the faux hawk. He's been trying to talk me into letting it grow out and become a real mohawk. He thinks that it would be awesome on me. I'm not quite convinced. But the fact that Beloved, Freyr, and Loki all agree that happiness looks good on me and (even with my current depressive episode) the joy that I have in this hair style is exactly what I needed.

Godspousery Notes: I've lost count, time to reset the counter. :)

 Where do I begin? I have been struggling with mental health stuff for about half a year now. I've been struggling with sleep for about the same length of time. Now my seasonal depression is kicking me in the teeth and we've got all the wonderful stress of the holidays going on. On top of that, I came to the sad conclusion that my night vision is bad enough that I simply can not drive when the sun is down. This severely restricts my options in going out to do stuff.

On one hand, I kinda knew this was coming down the line because my night vision has been degrading for a while. On the other hand, I'm really upset because I feel like the world has gotten smaller and I am yet more trapped in my own home by circumstance. Loki and Freyr have done their best to comfort me and assure me that this is not an awful thing. It's really hard though, because I've developed a fear of going blind after the experience about 3 years ago when my blood sugar was high enough that it screwed with my vision and everything was blurry.

Beloved assures me that since I've got my blood sugar and other matters under control, I shouldn't fear going blind anytime soon. He suggested that laser surgery could possibly fix my astigmatisms (I've got 2 in one eye and 1 in the other.) and maybe even help me regain some of my night vision. I am just really sad about this and how much these vision issues have negatively impacted my life. I love astronomy but with my night vision problems, it's harder to see the stars (never mind the light pollution makes my eyes have problems too). It just about makes me want to cry.

The vision thing is the latest in a series of running problems. Over the course of one week, I developed an allergy to latex, shellfish, and Aleve. So, I can't use dishwashing gloves now. I can't eat my favorite soup any more (clam chowder). And I can only take Tylenol (or its generic counterpart) for my intermittent migraines. Let me tell you, Tylenol is about as useful during a migraine as spitting into the ocean. It's next to useless with my arthritis, but I try anyways. That week I got angry with Loki who held up his hands and said, "Hey, this isn't mischief. This is your body hating you, again." So, I got weepy and upset over the fact that my meat suit is malfunctioning, again. He tried to cheer me up with jokes and stuff, he really did try. It's just hard to accept that my body has a laundry list of issues that just are getting worse as I get older, it seems.

I've got someone I care about in a bad situation that I can't do a damn thing to help. I can pray, but that's about it. The awful part of it is the fact that I have been running into flashbacks to past trauma because of a number of things. This started about half a year ago and just hasn't stopped. My psychologist has been wonderful about doing his best to help me. When Loki, Freyr, or Beloved notice that my brain weasels are getting out of control, they remind me that I have another dose of anxiety medication to shut them up. The flashbacks to past trauma have ranged from emotional ones to completely reliving the experience. (Fortunately, the last one only happened once so far.)

Freyr has been leaning on me to do more self-care. Loki's been throwing things that help that process into my path (like the random discovery of a lotion that is specifically for diabetic skin that is sensitive and I don't react to it at all). I've been struggling with it. Last night after my shower, as I was applying lotion to pretty much everything, I felt like a greased sausage. It was humiliating. My super dry skin was very itchy. The places where I had cracked skin was sore and the places where there's skin buildup was extremely uncomfortable. I mentioned how I felt about all this to Beloved. He gently chided me that I wasn't a greased sausage but a woman with a skin condition.

As I was in the process of trying to get some rest, I got a stern talking to from Loki about my 'exceedingly uncharitable and inappropriate' comment about myself. I was firmly reminded that negative self-talk like that is not acceptable and I had to knock it off. Communication with Loki and Freyr has been alternating between stuff like 'hey, are you ok? you can talk to me," affectionate stuff, and stern reminders that negative self-talk and neglecting my welfare is unacceptable. When I was really upset about how somethings weren't going quite right in my relationship with Beloved, the two of them told me that I was going to talk to him about it or there was going to be a consequence.

The last time I ignored them on something important like that, I found myself in a position where the issue was right in my face the whole time until it got fully addressed. So, I talked to Beloved. Had a meltdown over the fact that I have emotional needs at all. And got reminded that I was raised in a household where basic needs like eating were treated as reward/luxury items for me rather than necessities and punishments for having needs happened on a regular basis. It was a hard day.

I'm just trying to keep my head glued together. Loki's been attempting to cheer me up and get me to shrug off some of the depressive symptoms. It sort of works for a little while and then it doesn't. Freyr's been really big on how I need to take better care of myself and kinda using the carrot and a stick approach when I dig my heels in about refusing to do so.

Somehow in all of this, I wrote a devotional for Loki. It's up on Amazon as an e-book and a paperback. The paperback has more stuff to it. 

30 days for Freyr - Roadblocks.

 I've been desperately trying to keep up on my writing but failing left, right, and center. I've been having some problems over the last several weeks. Three weeks ago, I put my back out and I was out of commission for a week. About two months now, I have been having severe problems with insomnia. This is having a negative impact on my ability to focus to write or do much of anything. The apartment is kinda a mess again because I've had the attention span of a goldfish. Throw on top of this, for the last three weeks I have been having difficulties with my C-PTSD and experiencing a lot of intrusive thoughts and flashbacks at random with great frequency.

I'm working with my doctor to get these things resolved but I know that this is not a case of 'Take this pill and you'll be better in a week.' But, it is making things like devotional writing hard. If you follow me on Tumblr, I'm a bit irregular in my morning little prayers right now. I'm stressed out and dissociating on a fairly regular basis. My problems sleeping make me more prone to doing that. I'm not entirely sure why.

Last night was the first night in the last two months I got something that resembled a full night of sleep. I only woke up twice and that was to get a drink of water. All this stress has my blood sugar running kinda high in the morning and I've been stress eating stuff like cheese. I think the only reason why this post is not gibberish is because I got more than 4 hours of sleep last night. I'm also on my second pot of coffee. That magical potion that turns me from a zombie into a semi-functional person.

Freyr has been concerned. Loki's been concerned. Beloved is concerned. The only ones who are not concerned are my kids, who don't really know what's going on because I do my best to mask my symptoms around them because they find them distressing. Which is exhausting. I don't know what the solution to this problem is going to be. I just hope that all of this doesn't land me into an depressive or a manic episode. Either would be real bad right now.

But that's why I haven't been posting. Because my brain is shit right now. I don't even know why I can't sleep. I fall asleep ok but I keep waking up after a large chunk of my bedtime medication wears off. The other night, I woke up six times in a row, despite taking the melatonin as my doctor advised. I think the fact I slept last night is based on the fact that I was so tired I was literally stumbling over my own feet.

30 days for Freyr - Day 4

 I love him for his generosity and kindness. I love him for how he takes care of his people (and often those who are around them as well). I love him for how good he is to the world and doesn't ask anything for it in return. I love him for the way plants grow and bloom in his presence. I love him for how he is always encouraging me to be my best self. I love him for how he loves me.

30 days for Freyr - Day 3

 I know that he is with me. I know it as surely as I know that objects on Earth fall at the velocity of 32 ft/s/s and that the Sun rises in the East. But today was a bad brain day. I'm heart sick and terrified of things from the past. It makes my head full of noise and shutters my 'second sight'. I just want to cry but I can't because of past trauma. Freyr tells me on a regular basis that there's no shame in my tears. He tells me that they're as natural and necessary as the rain. And that I shouldn't fight so hard to stop them from falling. But pain and psychological agony keep me stone-faced because I was taught as a child that crying was weakness and weakness was always punished. Some day, maybe, I'll be healed enough that I can cry. Today is not that day. At least Freyr understands that and has never told me that my tears (shed or unshed) were weakness.

30 days for Freyr - Day 2: A poem

 Pining for Autumn's beauty
Gazing upon a skin-shed
Holding a hollow skull
Life is fleeting
So it is that I must go
To transform
To transcend
To the little death of the seed
So that the mighty oak may grow

July for Loki post no. 15

 I keep having emotional flashbacks to trauma from when I was a kid over the last few days. Loki sat with me last night and told me, "Just because they feel real doesn't mean that they're happening now." I got very upset when he told me that. I asked him then if what I experience with him and Freyr are just simply manufactured by my broken brain. Loki reminded me of the time I was inpatient for a suicidal episode including psychotic features. After I had gotten a dose of Haldol to quiet the auditory hallucination of my mother screaming at me to kill myself, Loki said quiet calmly, "Can you hear me now?"

I just about wept with relief. I was terrified that my mystical experiences were all hallucinations after the first bout of psychotic experiences about ten years ago. Haldol is a serious business antipsychotic. It shuts down that part of your brain that is putting out the garbage information that's telling you something is there that isn't. It has a few odd things about it, like going from absolute panic to feeling like you're wrapped up in a warm, heavy blanket and your heart rate slowing down. But, I knew that with the Haldol I was going to get relief from the screaming. 

Then Loki spoke up. Suddenly, I understood that all of my mystical experiences were real. He was with me, even when the place turned into utter chaos later at dinner time. It wasn't like a full scale riot. But the moment the full moon cleared the horizon, chairs were getting thrown, people were shoving each other, and I was trapped in a corner cowering behind a table, praying that the violence was going to stay on the other side of the room. As I was there, Loki was with me telling me that I was going to be ok and I just had to focus on my breathing so I didn't hyperventilate. Eventually, the hospital staff got the dining room under control. I came out of my hiding spot, shaking but doing my best not to show fear. When they sent everyone back to their rooms early, I was relieved. I laid down in my bed and just faced the window and prayed that it wasn't going to happen again.

Loki sat at the foot of the bed and told me that everything was going to be ok. One may ask, where was Freyr in the midst of this. Well, he was standing between me and the brawl. Later, when I was in my room, he was standing at the doorway. And as I had been pacing, Loki was on my left side as Freyr was on my right, just quietly bearing witness to what I was doing and dealing with. I think the reason why Loki spoke up and was focused on calming me down is because I've known Loki longer and was more likely to listen to him.

But, yeah, that was a thing that happened.

Where did the last two weeks go?

 Waning Gibbous Strawberry Moon (Age: 16 days)
Sign: Capricorn
Drought Status: Abnormally Dry
Weather: Cloudy, projected high of 88 deg. F.
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I have been desperately trying to get back to that organized schedule that I had in January. I've been failing in a big way. Loki just chuckles at my frustration. That, however, is how things go between him and I. I get so frustrated I just about start spluttering and he starts chuckling and telling me how adorable I am when I'm angry/frustrated. It drives me batty, but it seems to be a theme. Beloved does the exact same thing. They all but pat me on the head and call me cute. I know it's all affectionate but it still is exasperating. Which, of course, makes me 'even more adorable.' 

I feel like part of the problem is I somehow have lost 2 inches of height in the last few years. My doctor assures me this is perfectly normal for most women. It makes reaching the top shelf of the cupboard for things difficult. And where do things get put that I need to get down on a weekly basis, on the top shelf because Beloved forgets that I'm no longer 5ft 8in. He is used to my being able to get things down because they're at a point where I could have with out much of a problem before I lost that bit of height. I've asked my doctor why it happens and they just shrug. I'm hoping that I am not going to wind up stooped and barely able to stand at 5 ft like my paternal grandmother. Freyr and Loki both assure me that isn't going to happen as long as I work on keeping my posture good and strengthening my back.

It leads me to suspect that my back's weakness that came about as a result of a couple of injuries in the last few years is the reason why I've lost 2 inches of height. I keep putting off doing yoga and my back exercises because you can barely see the floor in the living room. I may just have to use a shovel and garbage back to clean up all the toys and crap on the floor so that I have room to spread out that yoga mat and do my exercises. Freyr really wants me to get back into an exercise routine. He's of the mind it will help me do a better job of managing my diabetes and my stress. He's not wrong, I'm just having a hard time finding the time to do it.

Both Loki and Freyr are strongly encouraging me to do things that make me feel comfortable in my own skin and happy. They've declared that I have spent too much time confining myself into a socially acceptable bland box and it's not good for me. Again, they're not wrong. As a result, I've made some major changes to my wardrobe. I am not completely eliminating color from it, but I am going goth in my styles. I feel more like myself from when I was in my 20s doing so. Freyr has commented that I walk taller and move with more confidence when I do it. I have also begun wearing the BDSM collar that Beloved got me ... well, we've been playing around with this stuff for 20+ years. After about a week of wearing it more frequently than I ever had before, I discovered that I was reacting to the metal used for the hardware. We're pretty sure it's nickel plated and that's why I am having issues. So, Beloved ordered me a custom collar that should arrive sometime next month with stainless steel hardware and a nickel free buckle. In the meantime, I'm doing as Loki suggested. I put on a ribbon beneath the collar so that the metal doesn't touch my skin. The ribbon is about one and 3/4ths of an inch wide. That's the same width of the custom collar. It's a little wider than what I wear now, but it is going to be awesome. Beloved showed me what he designed and it's just really simple but really pretty.

To placate the normals, I've been wearing a wide ribbon choker that is reinforced with nylon webbing to keep the ribbon from rolling up and backed with soft cotton. I keep leaning away from that choker because the collar boosts my confidence, my happy feelings, and strengthens the sense that no matter what happens Beloved is going to be with me. It's a huge comfort item. As someone with an anxiety disorder, comfort items are really helpful. Previously, I hid the BDSM side of my life because I was afraid of being judged for it. But, Loki made a really good point back when I took the leap to go goth in my clothing styles: at 42, I have the right to wear whatever the hell makes me feel good. And collars are kinda in style right now (and have been with the punk element of the goth community), so if anyone gives me a funny look I can respond with one word: Fashion. Then I get to sashay away and do what makes me happy.

Freyr had an interesting point to make about the BDSM side of my life. No one is getting hurt. Practically all of the elements of it have improved my health and happiness. And if vanilla people get to wear items that advertise some of their sexuality (i.e. pants with the word 'juicy' printed across the ass), so do I. And he pointed out, I'll probably manage it with my own quirky yet elegant sense of style. It's not as if I'm out and about in a bondage harness and nothing else. (Not that we own one, but that's beside the point.) And Freyr said that the instant shot of confidence that I get from wearing the collar is going to be one of the things that is going to keep the busy-bodies off my back. He also reminded me: those who matter won't care as long as you're happy, those who get in a snit over it don't matter.

Mental health disability equates to life problems.

 I'm too low on spoons to look up the moon phase/age/sign. The weather is stupidly hot and humid for our region. We're not in drought status at the moment, though folks who are west of us and in the north country are. I've been just trying to catch up on everything that fell through the cracks over the last few months and it's not going so well.

I was deeply worried that I had pissed off Freyr because things had gotten so quiet. It then came to the fore that there was interference in the connection because of my severe depression and anxiety. (This happened a while back between Loki and I, lasted about a year before it cleared up.) I got my medications adjusted and the change was like night and day. I was suddenly sleeping through the night (which was my initial problem, or so I thought), the deep depression cleared up, and the choking anxiety eased. I also found the passive self harm ideation that I had lived with all my life was gone. Not even a whisper of a thought on that front since the med change. I thought that everyone was like that, clearly I was wrong. There is a better life possible and I am now living it.

It is, however, a very busy one and exhausting. My preteen/teen boys have a ton of school stuff going on that I've been trying to stay on top of but not doing so great because of poor communication with some individuals and my forgetting to update my planner. Loki, in his mischievousness, likes to remind me to work on it while I'm in the middle of something else. He's helping, sorta. I just forget or run out of energy before I get to it.

I've been struggling with writing because my brain is acting funny again. There's some kind of trauma memory getting ready to surface. Both Loki and Freyr are insisting that I need to stop fighting it and lean into it. But I'm tired of trauma work. They, however, are getting progressively more demanding that I do this because it will be good for me. At one point, Loki said that I was acting like a kid who didn't want to eat their vegetables. I retorted that I was the kid who loved vegetables. He answered "You love writing, so why aren't you doing it?" I didn't have a smart answer for that one.

When I have the flashes of connection with Freyr, and he's not insisting that I have to do *something* for trauma work, he's been reassuring me that my efforts to be more authentic in my self presentation and expression is a very good thing. Just a few weeks ago, I decided that I could finally embrace my love of goth style. And that I could embrace more expression of my sexuality. Two points that Freyr has been trying to get me to just stop restraining myself on for the last year. He said to me "At 42, you have earned the right to wear whatever you want and if that means goth clothes and a bdsm collar, so be it. What you wear and how you wear it is an expression of yourself, you're allowed to express yourself."

Beloved has been enthusiastic about supporting and encouraging me in this. (The kink thing between him and I has been a thing almost as long as we've been in a relationship. And that's 20+ years.) I've been happier and more secure in myself over the last few weeks than I have been in a long time. I just am struggling with the writing because I hate trauma work. It's my ptsd and bipolar that are the reason why I am disabled. They have taken away my career in education and my ability to tolerate a full day's work. I'm not sure how many functional hours I have in a day, because it fluctuates. 

I'm trying to get everything sorted out, but there's a lot going on and a lot of moving parts. Loki throws a wrench into things when I am getting myself worked up and distracts me from that. Freyr calms me down when I get panicky over things. It's been a team effort to get life back on to an even keel. Beloved is always at my side, helping as best he can. I couldn't do this with out them.

Sunrise

Waxing Sap Moon (Age 1 day)
Sign: Aries
Weather: Cloudy, seasonable temps.
Snow Pack: N/A
Drought Status: N/A
~*~*~*~*~*~*~

It's daylight savings time. Yay! (If only there was a sarcasm font.) I've had my breakfast, drunk my first cup of coffee, and then took a short nap to recover my proverbial spoons from waking up at 0630. Now it is an hour later, I'm on my second cup of coffee and feeling a bit less bleary eyed. Freyr was with me as I woke. It's still his season for a few more days. Even though he is busy preparing for Spring, he found some time to just snuggle with me. I think that half hour of sleep was the deepest sleep I have had in about a month, or at least the most restful.

In my dreams, he walked with me through a garden where many things were beginning to sprout and show signs of life. We just held hands and walked along muddy paths. Shortly before my alarm went off, he said to me, "The world is waking up. Don't despair. Things are going to get better. I know you don't feel well, but I promise you, it will pass." Then he gave me a big hug. I woke up with that warm sense of an embrace around me. It made me reluctant to get out of bed. 

I've been struggling with depression for the last month or so in a more intense fashion than usual. It's made everything harder. All of that hard work to clean up the apartment in preparation for Eastre has gone to pot. As a result, I have a bunch of cleaning to do this week that I had planned to spend in contemplation and meditation upon the sacrifice of the Daughter. I tell myself that things will get better but it feels like I'm lying to myself. Depression is a hell of a drug.

I get like this and I feel guilty for not doing more. So I start pushing myself pretty hard to do things. I run low on spoons and get a lot less than what I was trying to do done. At which point the guilt ratchets up several notches and the cycle resumes. Until I crash for a few days and I feel miserable. I have had Loki giving me glares and warning me not to push myself too hard. I am doing my best to listen to him and to the limits of my body/brain. It's been exhausting and it hurts. I want my life from before the bipolar happened back. Yeah, I was still struggling with CPTSD, but I was more functional most of the time. I feel like I'm all those horrible things my parents said about me when ever I wasn't performing to their expectations (a waste of flesh, an oxygen thief, etc.). I know it is my trauma speaking and its getting triggered by the depression, but it still fucking hurts.

I hope that Eastre will find me doing better. I'm not expecting it to happen, though, because brain chemistry doesn't automatically improve because it's an important date on the calendar. Still, it is nice to have some peace and quiet. It is nice to drink some coffee and watch the sun come up.

When you're wrong and don't want to admit it.

Waning Crescent Cold Moon (Age 22 days)
Sign: Capricorn
Weather: Partly cloudy, cold, light breeze
Snow pack: > 1 in
Drought status: n/a
~*~*~*~*~*~*~

 I've been having difficulty reconciling my limitations with my abilities. Or, to put it another way, I haven't been doing a very good job today of listening to my body and respecting my limits. It's gotten me a stern talking to on multiple levels. I have bad knees and this spate of bitter cold has me limping pretty badly. It has made getting stuff done challenging. The fact that I keep trying to do stuff has gotten me stern looks and such.

It is hard because I remember not too long ago when I was better off. I didn't have it quite so bad with my knees. I got sore and stiff when the weather got bad but I didn't need a cane so often. I recall when I didn't have the intense anxiety and fear of going out. (Social phobia is a bitch, y'all. Covid-19 has only made it worse.) I remember life before I became disabled and struggled to function. I keep trying to push myself to do things and act like that. But, I can't do it.

Loki keeps reminding me "Needs trump wants." He's been leaning on that message for quite a while. Some days I do better at remembering it than others. I want to go and do things. I want to work. But I need the quiet, calm environment that I've created in my home so that I don't have nearly constant panic attacks. Medication helps, but it doesn't solve everything. I don't want to be on so many pills, but I need them to function and stay healthy. (Diabetes can go die in a fire along with bipolar and ptsd.)

I tried today to keep my limits in mind but it was really hard. I just wanted desperately to be ok. Freyr tells me that I'm still adjusting to being disabled and having diabetes. I feel like my mind and body are failing me. Again, Freyr tells me that I'm adjusting to my new normal and that I won't feel so awful so often. It's been ten years since the bipolar diagnosis and my being certified as totally disabled due to mental illness. It's been three years since I got the diabetes diagnosis.

It was a rough day for me today. I wanted to go out and do the shopping. I wanted to take care of the laundry and the dishes. My knees hurt and keep threatening to drop me on the floor. Between the Covid-19 stuff and the fact that I would be in a relatively crowded store (because for some reason people are not doing much social distancing anymore since the announcement of vaccines), I couldn't go shopping. I spent my day feeling useless as I sat around and tried to keep an eye on the kids while Beloved was out running errands. When I got up to do stuff, I got the look from both Loki and Freyr. You know the look of severe disapproval that people give you when you're doing something that you know is dumb, that's the one. When Beloved got home from running errands and taking care of stuff, he was giving me the look as I was hobbling in the direction of doing more stuff. 

I don't want to be sick. I don't want to have arthritis. I don't want to be so damn anxious all the time. I keep trying not to be, but I can't force the situation to change. At one point, Loki said that some things are fixed wyrd. Things like your eye color and genetics, for example. They can't be changed. And the massive amounts of victimization that I experienced in my youth, that kinda qualifies as that I guess. Not something like I chose the conditions I incarnated into or that I'm paying off some kind of karmic debt and that is why I was tortured in my youth. Nope, it's just a twist in the thread of life that got snarled and will always effect the rest of the thread. I was wrong today to try to push myself to do 'normal' things. That's why my knees hurt and my brain is not working quite right at the moment.

Fortunately, I've got three loves who look after me and kick me in the ass when I need it. Because some days, I'm a stubborn idiot.

He wants me to make what?

 Waning Gibbous Cold Moon (Age: 18 days)
Sign: Libra
Weather: Windy and cold
Snow pack: greatly diminished, > 1 in
Drought status: LOL NOPE
~*~*~*~*~*~

Loki made clear to me that he wanted me to write a devotional last year. He kept mentioning it and I kept putting off the topic. Finally he asked me what the problem was. That was when I said that I didn't know where to start. His first answer to that problem was, "Well, at the beginning, obviously."

I drolly responded, "And you're the sly one?" There was much laughter over that. I still think it was a set up for me to drop that line on him and it's been almost six months since we had that conversation. I told him how I couldn't pick one thing and start writing because there was too much going on. I told him that I needed some suggestions or some guidance on where to begin.

Flash forward about six months and he pops in practically bouncing with excitement. When Loki is hopping foot to foot, grinning gleefully, and nearly clapping his hands with excitement, one gets a little nervous. He is, after all, the god of Mischief and chaos. His pranks are literally legendary. So, he shows up all a twitter with excitement. I was in the middle of folding laundry. He told me I needed to get a pen and paper. I asked why. His answer was that he had an IDEA.

The last time Loki was this excited over an idea, Beloved and I pulled a prank (that I thought up all on my own, thank you very much) on my father-in-law that made the old goat very exasperated over the holidays. Loki gave that prank his gold star of approval. I figured this idea meant another prank of some kind. I set my laundry aside and walked across the room to get a pen and paper. Then Loki said, "I want a rosary."

I just stopped for a beat and looked at him. "Like a set of beads?" I asked him. He shook his head. "For me to pray one on your behalf?" Then he looked at me like I was daft.

"I want you to write me a rosary. Catholic style." Then I looked at him like he was daft. He just grinned at me.

"This is going to piss off a lot of people," I said.

He laughed. "So what, there's people who would use it, who need it even."

That was last week. I have been attempting to write prayers for his rosary for the last few days. It's not going so great, because there's a bunch of other stuff going on keeping me from writing. Freyr's position on all of this? Well, he's bemused and thinks I should get to writing once I am done republishing books.

Loki says 'whut?'

 Waxing Gibbous Cold Moon (Age: 11 days)
Sign: Cancer
Weather: mild, cloudy, and making my knees hate me
Snow pack: ??
Drought status: LOL NOPE
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

I've been dealing with a lot of trauma memories and as a result feeling pretty run down and awful over the past few days. It's been seeping into just about everything it seems. Last night, as I was laying in bed with Beloved talking about the memories, I just felt really torn between incandescent rage and utter grief. I was laying there being cuddled by my mortal husband and then, next thing I know, I feel a sensation like a third blanket getting thrown on top of me (a god-cloak) and someone toying with my hair. I know it wasn't Beloved, because he was holding my hand with one hand and had his other arm wrapped around me. 

I was confused. I wondered if it was Loki. As the thought passed through my head, he said, "What? You were cold. By the way, everything you remember is real." That just made me want to start crying. I had been struggling with the concept that the horrors I had been reliving over the last few weeks were real or 'just an over active imagination'. (I grew up in an extremely toxic and traumatic household where I was regularly gaslighted. I developed the habit of reality testing everything because of how intense the gaslighting was. It left lasting effects on my psyche and self confidence.)

Beloved had some household chores to attend to and I had to go to sleep. As I basically hid under the blankets, there was the sense of a fourth blanket being put over me, a bit higher so that it covered my head. That's how I knew Freyr was there. Loki at my back and Freyr before me. They spoke quietly. At first it was to me and reassuring me that I was safe and that my family was safe. Loki and Freyr both assuring me they would protect us. As I began to drop down into hypnogogic sleep, the sound of Beloved taking out the garbage terrified me for some reason. I was convinced someone was trying to break into the apartment.

Loki resumed running his hands through my hair and telling me that everything was fine. As Freyr was talking about how I really needed to talk to both Odin and Eir about the stuff that had me distressed, Loki was basically telling him to stop talking. They didn't get into an argument as much as they had a disagreement about something that I didn't fully understand because they were speaking in Middle English. Freyr shrugged and then Loki had his 'wut?' reaction.

The last thing that Loki said to me last night was, "Am I not supposed to comfort you when you're in distress?" He sounded exasperated after the initial confusion over my swinging between anxiety and confusion as to why they were there and being so nice. Freyr said something about trauma but I missed most of it.

But, that 'wut?' reaction is pretty much the one I get every time I say that he shouldn't be so affectionate and nice. He stares at me like I'm speaking a language he doesn't know and have some how managed to offend his great ancestors at the same time. In the next moment Dom!Loki comes out and I am firmly reminded that I am deserving of love, affection and safety. Followed by a growled warning that I will be given a reminder each time I start mistreating myself. Usually that's enough to get me back in line because World-breaker is creative and patient when it comes to giving me reminders to stop being cruel and neglectful of myself.

Last night, I got a confused 'wut?' because I wasn't in that depressed headspace. I was in a traumatized headspace and confused as to when I was and why they were there. Now, Loki's been with me for a very long time. He's witnessed a huge amount of the trauma that I went through. I think the fact that it's been quite a while since I've had that time disorientation happen that was why Loki was confused.

Untitled rambling.

 Waxing Crescent Cold Moon (Age: 8 days)
Sign: Taurus
Weather: Cloudy, light snow
Snow pack: 4 in, approx.
Drought status: n/a
~*~*~*~*~*~*~

I've been trying to prepare for Moura, the Filianic month/season of discipline, abstinence, and purification in preparation for the high holiday of Eastre. Loki threw me for a loop two days ago when he said that he was going to observe Moura with me. Generally, we don't talk about my involvement with Filianism. It's a non-issue. He thinks that the path I'm on with the blending of Heathenry and Filianism is good for me. He encourages me in my devotions to Déa. He says that it's healthy for me to have Déa in my life.

But he hasn't expressed anything along the lines of his participation in any of the rites or rituals that I engage in for Déa. I mistakenly figured 'not my pantheon, not my business' but Loki blew that out of the water with him telling me quite seriously that he wanted to participate in Moura. I would have thought it a jest but he's been talking about how he wants me to abstain from putting out alcohol for him. He gets a pretty regular libation of whiskey from us in this household. He does a lot of good for us, so we give him some strong drink to express our appreciation.

When I asked him what I should pour out for him instead, he insisted it should be plain water. I asked if the prohibition against alcohol included if Beloved decided to pour out for him and Loki paused for a moment. He asked me if Beloved or the boys would be observing Moura with me. I answered no. He then said that they can give him what ever offerings they felt were appropriate then, even if it was alcohol.

Moura Eve is to Filianism what Mardi Gras is to Christianity. I am going to try to do something fun with the kids. I'll be making a point to dress in somewhat festive attire, or at least something colorful. Saturday is the start of Moura. In many Filianic traditions, Moura Day is observed as a fast day. I am exempt from fasting because of medical reasons. Many people in Filianism give something up for Moura as a practice of abstinence and self-discipline. It's popular to give up sweet foods. I can't eat sweets. My diet has become even more restricted because of my medical condition. So, I don't know what I'm going to do about that part of the observance.

I know with the self discipline part, I'm going to continue my effort to get more exercise, eat healthier, and stick with a daily schedule. I've been 'practicing' for about a month now on that front. The weather has not been kindly towards going out walking. I've been bored pacing back and forth through the apartment. Maybe I'll try taking up yoga again if I can't go out and walk. I don't know. I have no bright ideas at this hour of the day.

Loki and Freyr have both insisted that I must be more active in my priestly work. As such, I am going to be becoming more social as I engage the Fililianic community more. That's going to be a bit hard because I'm a social phobe, but I am oathed to Déa as a priestess and should start doing more than writing devotional literature.

P.S. Loki's been making noises that he wants me to start my writing for him by writing a Lokean rosary. So, that's going to be a thing. I'm just glad that he's finally given me some kind of direction for where I should begin this massive project.

I have no idea what I am doing.

 Waning Wolf Moon (Age: 28 days)
Sign: Sagittarius
Weather: Stupidly cold, fair skies
Snow depth: approx. 4 in.
Drought status: N/A
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Just when I hit a point where I felt like I had some kind of a grasp on my diabetes, it got thrown topsy-turvy. I was having high fasting blood sugar numbers and such despite my following my prescribed diet. That was about this time last year. I was told to eat less and cut out most fats and cheese. I spent the last year doing that (with a great deal of vexation and upset). Then last night I scared the hell out of myself.

Yesterday, I seemed to have finally gotten my blood sugar issue under some resemblance of control. Except when it was time to get ready for bed, I checked my blood sugar and it was going down despite the fact that I ate a snack to prevent it from dropping too low. The whole reason I checked my blood sugar was Loki.

He was cracking jokes about what pranks we should pull on my father-in-law when he suddenly became stone sober and serious. He told me to check my blood sugar right at that moment. That was when I discovered that my blood sugar had dropped from when I had eaten my snack an hour before hand. I had a bit of a freak out, because I ate the first snack of the evening due to the fact that my blood sugar was down at 99. You don't want it to go below 70 or bad things happen when you have diabetes. When Loki basically snapped to and ordered me to check my sugar, it dropped from 99 to 87. I ate my second snack of the night and got angry. 

I was furious that my body was acting stupid. I was frightened that my blood sugar was going to continue to drop. Anger was easier to handle than being terrified. Loki and Beloved were empathetic to my anger. Freyr was unflappable and just waiting. After I got through being angry and finished my bed time routine, I was cuddling in bed with Beloved. And the cycle of anger-fear-grief started all over again. That's when Loki interrupted it with some dirty jokes. Which I shared with Beloved, who started making his own jokes. Between the two of them, they got me laughing enough that I wasn't angry or afraid. I was just tired.

That was when Beloved kissed me on the head and wandered off to take care of some stuff (promising to me up in a few hours to check my blood sugar). Loki patted me on the ankle and when poof. That was when Freyr wrapped himself around me and quietly assured me that I was going to be alright. I just felt like I had been put through a wringer emotionally. Somehow, I fell asleep as Freyr held me tightly against him. Beloved woke me up a few hours later and I said that I felt like I was going to be ok. I complained that my hand hurt and then fell back asleep.

I slept a solid ten hours. I haven't done that in about a year. I woke up feeling a bit groggy but relieved that I even woke up at all. When I did wake up, Freyr was sitting on the foot of my bed. He put his finger to his lips to warn me to be quiet. So, I was quiet and found that Beloved and the kids were still resting. I got moving about and the grogginess wore off. When I checked my blood sugar it was 145, not an ideal fasting blood sugar but better than 200 something, which it should have been given how much I had eaten in my panic over the numbers in the evening before.

Somewhere in the process of the morning as everybody was waking up, Freyr said to me, "You know, you'll be alright. As long as you keep trying and paying attention, you will be alright. But, that postprandial number is one you want to bring up with your doctor. This is why you have to keep a log of everything. It's your weapon against the disease so that you can be healthy and ask the right questions to stay that way." Then he smiled at me and was gone off into the ether as my kids started demanding breakfast.

TL:DR - I had a minor panic over my diabetes stuff as Loki, Beloved, and Freyr all coached me through it. Because having an anxiety disorder on top of diabetes requires a support network.

My brain is giving me emotional whiplash and They're not happy.

Waning Wolf Moon (Age: 16 days)

Moon Sign: Leo

Weather: Very cold, light lake effect snow

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

I'm not swinging back and forth because of my Bipolar II right now. Or at least, I don't think that is the case. But, what ever is going on with me, I've been super anxious for about a week right around sundown. Like, so anxious that the sound of one of the kids unexpectedly tearing a piece of paper almost made me jump out of my skin the other night.

Loki and Freyr are not pleased with this development. They're both of the mind that I really should work on finding a therapist sooner rather than later. I have been a few years now with out a therapist to help me keep my head glued together. My psychiatrist is wonderful. He's been exceedingly helpful and compassionate. But, when the psychiatrist, deities, and your mortal spouse are all in agreement that you could use a bit of time with a therapist again, it's probably time to think about it seriously.

Freyr is of the opinion that my problem is my complex post-traumatic stress disorder acting up again. He's rather firmly told me that I need to stop shoving my feelings into a box. I didn't think I was doing that. But, this year of Covid-19 has brought up all kinds of things from the past. And the weirdness going on with my body due to the diabetes has been bringing up more things from the past. I really guess I fell back into some bad habits. (And Loki says snarkily 'ya think?' as I type this.) 

They have both been pushing me hard to make health changes in my life. This ranges from "It would be good for your mental health to have regular contact with other adults in the world. So, you're going to go back to doing tarot readings on Keen for the sake of your brain. The money doesn't matter." to "This is your new daily schedule, see how you're going to be exercising EVERYDAY." It's been a challenging couple of weeks adjusting to the new schedule that we negotiated. 

The exercise has been probably the hardest part. The weather has been so cold that I'm doing light aerobic exercise as I pace the apartment because it's too cold to walk outside. I over did it the other day and Freyr's been a bit peeved with me for that. I believe his exact words about it was, "Just because you can do it doesn't mean that you should do it." I was really bored pacing and did 300 arm curls (with 2.2 lb weights in each hand) in the span of 20 minutes. It's taken me a week for my arms to stop hurting.

He and Loki are plotting something that involves my exercise stuff. As in, I've been getting random things about 'here's how to train for a marathon' in my email. My search history has been about tarot decks, goddess worship, and my local news. But, I think they want me to get myself back to the point where I could walk 3 miles at a brisk pace with out a problem.

 

 

 

 

Taboo lifted, now what?

Waning Pink Moon (Age: 24 days)

Sign: Pisces

Weather: Seasonable, cloudy skies

Drought status: none

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

The taboo that I had on posting here has been lifted. I'm not sure what to write at the moment. I just know that Loki's deemed it a safe and proper time for me to begin posting here about the full weirdness of my spiritual life. And that Freyr agrees.

My relationships with them continues to deepen. I'm coming up out of a depressive episode followed by a mixed episode that were each a few months long. I don't know if this means that I'm going to be hypomanic soon or what. I am a bit gunshy about posting aggressively anywhere right now. I don't want the wackjobs out there to use my UPG to justify their horrible behaviors. It is bad enough that they're using the tenants of mainstream Asatru and heathenry to 'justify' their garbage behavior.

Loki assures me that I'm too small of a fish for people to go after right now. Social phobia insists that everything I am posting is going to bring down disaster on my head and shoulders. Again, the red head pats me on the shoulder, kisses the top of my head, and tells me I worry too much. This has become the standard response when I get anxious over 'silly' things.

I've been told that I'm not allowed to call the stuff I get anxious over 'stupid' unless they're legitimately stupid things. Turns out I don't get anxious over legitimately stupid things. I've been struggling to keep with this whole 'make yourself healthier' business. Stress has my blood sugar up. Doing yoga hasn't been big on my list of things to do because it's been painful. And I feel like I'm doing it all wrong.

Shuffle-mancy strikes again as Lindsey Sterling's Something Wild starts playing. I've been told that I have been forgetting myself in my anxiety over everything. Loki and Freyr have been strongly encouraging me to do more for myself in my self-care. The things that make me feel like myself, like wearing a ton of jewelry and writing bad poetry are being encouraged. I am getting told how I should be taking a more positive look at my body. That last one is really hard. I feel like it's turned traitor with how it is having all of these issues with my cptsd, bipolar ii, seasonal affective disorder, and diabetes. I don't feel strong. I feel broken.

Loki and Freyr are both strongly opinionated on that matter. They tell me I need to change my frame of reference because I'm using an outdated mode to look at myself. Thus, they are all but throwing me into therapy of sorts. I can't find a therapist to work with but things keep coming up that push me to writing about my trauma and poor self image.

I've been pushed into making art again. I feel like it's awful, but they tell me to keep working. They tell me that I'm better than I think I am. So, I'm going to start posting up here the devotional art that I've been making. Like the thing above. I don't know where this is all going, but I trust them. I just don't trust myself not to fuck it up. I'm terrified of that. I don't want to screw everything up and have the nightmare of 2011 happen again.

Loki assures me that it won't. Freyr assures me it won't. Beloved assures me that it won't. I'm still afraid. But, they all tell me that doing the hard thing despite being afraid is courage.