Letters to Loki # 6 - Have you seen my marbles?

Hey there Sly Fox,

It has been a wild ride over the last week. My mood has pretty much been all over the map. I'm still a little hypomanic but I think I'll actually get more then 4 hours of sleep tonight. The kids have been excited as all get out over their new LeapPad tablets. Beloved's parents bought them for 'em for Christmas. We set them up today and I've got to say, if I had known this was the key to getting them to stop pestering each other, I would have found a way to acquire them sooner.

I am relieved to report that the fingerless gloves I was concerned about actually did fit Beloved. I get nervous making stuff for him because I always tend to judge things a size too small. I was amused when you declared the pumpkin spice candle that Beloved gave me to be yours. I restrained the giggle but it was a bit of work. Now it seems to me that this candle is burning down faster then it should be by any rights. It makes me wonder if you have a hand in it.

I'm happy that you and Sigyn liked the snowflake ornaments that I made. I do agree with you, the one I made for you shouldn't be blocked out to look like a proper snowflake because it's pretty flipping awesome in it's pseudo-neuron look right now. I ran out of time and thread to make more for the others, but I was told that the desire to give the gift counted more then the gift itself.

In the midst of my hypomania, I have cleaned the house, put all the laundry away, entertained the kids, and gotten a bunch of writing done (despite my shortened attention span right now). My brain is starting to slow down some. I slept a little longer last night then I did the night before. I was up again around 5 but it's better then being up at 4 with only 3 hours of sleep. I'm trying to burn off some of that extra energy and I have been using it on my new kick spindle. The thing shimmies a little bit when I get it going real fast but that's my only complaint.  I haven't much spun up yet on it.

I did some carding earlier today. After I finish this batch of raspberry red merino-bamboo fiber, I'll get to the blue dyed wool. I think it's Bluefaced Leicester wool, but I'm not sure. The idea of that does make me giggle, however. I'd say more but I'm kinda having difficulty stringing thoughts together. I'll catch up with you later.


Letters to Loki #5 - Blessed Solstice!

Hey there Flamehair,

First things first, I want to say thank you to you for helping me not freak out when I went out and was social this weekend. With how much I have been struggling with even going out of the house, the help that I got in getting out the door, to the party, being there, and back home is deeply appreciated. I know I said thank you a few times now, but it was something absolutely huge and I can't really think of any other way to express my gratitude.

I also want to thank you for nudging things into our path that helped take some of the financial pressure off of us over the last week or so. Some things may have been minor nuisances that turned into big problems if it wasn't for that bit of help. And I am hopeful that we may be turning a proverbial corner with the end of the year in sight. A big part of that progress has come by way of your assistance, even when I was admittedly being a stubborn fool and refusing to ask for help.

I feel a little silly saying this, but I am finding myself a bit disappointed that there isn't snow on the ground right now. I never thought I would say those words but I have a few times now. It isn't so much that I want snow so that everything looks 'just right' for the holidays and more that I want my boys to get a chance to play in some before they go back to school in about two weeks. The cloudy skies kinda gets my hopes up and then nothing happens.

If Snowmageddon happens over the next little while, I wouldn't complain too much. I like the idea of Beloved having the day off to spend with us while the kids are on break from school. He's been having an awful hard time over the last half year. I keep asking him if there's anything I can do to help but there doesn't seem to be much beyond what I do to keep the house running and minding the kids. Of late, I've been thinking I should try doing readings on Keen again but I'm having a hard time getting past the waves of anxiety that roll over me at that thought.

The kids are getting excited for Christmas. While we don't celebrate it here, their grandparents do and people at school tend to hype up the idea. That said, they're also looking forward to a visit from Odin. My eldest keeps asking if he can see Sleipnir. The idea of a 'magic horsie' apparently has charmed him even more then the thought of flying reindeer. I figured you'd be pleased to hear that. I'm thinking that on the 24th, we'll toss a handful of oats out for Sleipnir. Other kids are throwing 'reindeer food' and I think that Sleipnir could use something to snack on too. After all, we're going to be putting out some cookies for Odin (the kids insisted on this).

I've something I'm going to make for you. I think you'll like it. While thread crochet is not my strongest suit, I suspect that this project will be forgiving enough for my perfectionism. I tried to find the candle wicks so that I could make one for Sigyn but the blasted things vanished on me. Then the wax I was going to use went missing. It makes me suspect that my craft room is one step away from gaining sentience and demanding food. I am, however, flexible and going to put my efforts into something else equally pleasant for her. Because she has a fondness for butterflies, I'm going to whip up something based off of that. To say the least, I will be kept busy over the next few days.

Thank you again for being so awesome. You are wonderful and I love you.


Amazement and ramblings.

Waning Frost Moon (Age: 27 days)
Sign: Scorpio
Weather: seasonably cold, cloudy

So, I saw this post and my jaw hit the floor. I literally could not move for a few moments because I was stunned with amazement. After Rose and her circle (coven doesn't feel the right word, and neither does circle but I'm still to shocked to 'brain' right now) had taken me into their arms and done a powerful spell to address my fertility issues, Hlif appeared to me in a dream. She was holding an infant in one arm and a toddler by the hand.

She looked exactly as she does in this card. She said nothing, but put the infant in my arms and then had the toddler take my hand. The age gap between the children was three years. The infant was asleep, but the toddler had the same brilliant blue eyes that Snuggle Bug has. Several months later, my eldest son (aka Cuddle Bear) was conceived. Did I mention that the infant appeared to be a few months old when she placed him in my arms?

I forgot about that dream until I saw Galina's post about the new Hlif prayer card available for purchase. Then I saw the image of Hlif and the whole thing came flooding back to me.

I sat down at the computer to post some snark about one of my recently absent spiritual companions when I checked posts on Wordpress and saw that. It kinda overrode what I was initially thinking. My 'guide' Eathan's asshattery, however, has taken the edge off that shock. I have several 'guides' though I think spirit companion is a better term. One of them presents as a young man (approximately 17 years old, caucasian with red hair and your sterotypical high school football player's build) and he goes by the name Eathan. For the last half year, Eathan had been quiet and then I realized it wasn't that he was quiet but rather that he had gone off somewhere.

Now, I didn't think much of the matter. My spirit companions come and go by their own will. Over the last half year, I had been rather caught up in other stuff (well, closer to a year but anyways...) and I figured if they weren't actively poking me to make their presence known that they were either about and observing or off somewhere doing their own thing. For all I knew, one of them may have negotiated terms of incarnation. Now, who is it that I would have put money on that last concept? If you guessed Eathan, you are right. For a while, he was trying to talk me into allowing him to incarnate through me.

And by 'a while' I mean for several years. Stargazer at one point got sick of his attempts to have her ferry his side of the conversation for a few months which lead to her and him having words. That was when Eathan decided that she was the greatest thing to walk the earth and he basically attempted to woo her. Which he did with all the awkwardness of a young adult who didn't realize that the object of his affection was entirely indifferent to him and didn't realize that there were distinct challenges to being in a relationship where only one of you is corporeal. To say the least, Stargazer bore his efforts with the patience of a saint and enough snark to fill an Olympic sized swimming pool. Since Stargazer has transitioned from life into afterlife (shuffled off the mortal coil/died/etc. I still haven't found a comfortable way to say that my best friend is deceased.), Eathan decided to make the attempt to court her again.

When he vanished off of my proverbial radar, I figured one of three things happened.

1. Stargazer smacked him into another realm of existence for irritating her.
2. Eathan negotiated incarnation with someone and was on his way into this world.
3. He found someone else to moon over and was currently engaged in that.

Since his return this afternoon, he has done the following:

1. Insisted that all homemade bread is good bread, even if I say the loaf came out badly.
2. Declared that one is permitted to slurp the liquid portion of beef stew because it is not soup.
3. Done a bad imitation of Loki. (It was so bad that Lopt facepalmed and literally said "go away, kid, you bother me."
4. Annoyed my other spiritual companions to the point where they have vacated the premises for the moment.
5. Put out the candle I had burning on my altar (because he wanted to see if I would notice and if he could do it).

So, all in all, Eathan is back and being his typical self. This makes me wonder how things are going to go over the next little while. Eathan hasn't exactly been introduced to Freyr. If he manages to annoy Loki to the point where Loki decides he's going to go away for a little while, just how irritated is he going to make Freyr?

I also wonder if having Eathan back means that my life may be returning to some semblance of 'normal'. For a while now, things were pretty quiet on the psychic level. Enough so that I wasn't sure if something had changed within myself and I was having difficulties with my gifts. Now, however, I think the 'silence' is going to be filled up with Eathan causing mischief and the others trying to get a handle on him. I may find myself having to bind him to a rock and stick him in 'timeout' (aka the sock drawer) again if he gets too bad. I really don't want to have to do that, though. Last time it was really aggravating to hear him every time I opened the sock drawer.


Ramblings about Dreams

Waning Frost Moon (Age: 24 days)
Sign: Libra
Weather: Warm, humid, cloudy
(90% of last week's snow melted)
It's been a little while but I still seem to be improving in the mental state department. The migraine last night persisted somewhat into the morning, necessitating a nap to get rid of the pain. As I slept, I dreamed that Freyr sat me down at this large wooden table. It looked like a trestle table made out of some sort of hardwood. The boards that made up the table top were wide and a dark color that spoke of years (if not longer) of use. The table itself was long enough to seat thirty people. We were sitting at the head of the table. Or should I say, I was sitting at the head of the table and Freyr was standing beside me, leaning against the table.

I don't really remember what the room looked like but I remember that it was warm and spacious. I some how knew that the weather outside of the building was bitterly cold, despite the fact that it was daylight. I just knew that there was snow on the ground and ice hanging from the trees outside, though I couldn't see out any windows, for the windows had curtains drawn across them and they were shuttered. I was sitting at the table dressed in the same horribly casual clothes that I have been wearing today (old sweats and an over sized sweater) and feeling like I didn't belong and that I was under dressed. Which was a bit silly as Freyr was dressed in jeans, a flannel, and hiking boots.

He didn't tell me to stay seated but I could tell by the look in his eye that he didn't want me to get up and wander off (though sitting in that seat made me *extremely* uncomfortable). Just as I was reaching the point where I couldn't stand it any longer, he finally said something. What he said was really simple, but pretty much everything I've been struggling with for the last few days, "Stay in your body." Now, it may sound strange to say that I have been struggling to stay 'embodied' but it has been part of what I've been dealing with because of my c-PTSD. Even in my dreams, I tend to disassociate myself from my physical sensations and play third party observer.

I really didn't want to do it. I felt over exposed and vulnerable. It didn't matter that it was a dream, that we were alone, or that the place we were in was safe. I still really wanted to 'check out' because of how unsafe I felt. As I was struggling with this, Freyr knelt down beside the chair and put his hands over mine. Where I had only vaguely felt the sensations of my clothes and sitting in the chair earlier, when his hands covered mine, it was as real as if it were happening when I was awake. A part of me screamed that I needed to pull my hands away from his and to push away the sensations. I sat there shaking from the effort it took not to do that.

After what felt like forever, he half stood up and leaned forward to kiss me on the forehead. Then I found myself in a different dream where I was struggling to make pancakes for a literal army. I kept getting angrier and angrier with each fouled up pancake. I was at the point of being ready to have a mini-meltdown over it when Loki walked in and took over the task of making pancakes. Again, I was struggling with the whole staying 'in' my body. Again, Freyr was there. In this one, he was standing behind me. He wrapped his arms around me and just held me. I woke up with the sensation of being held and the confusing thought that I needed to make chocolate chip pancakes properly to really be worthy of anything.

I didn't give the dreams any thought until I read the last paragraph of this post. When I read it, I had the curious sensation of feeling like the world was reeling for a moment, for I could nearly swear it was something that Freyr had said to me at some point over the last several days word for word. I've been struggling with my dissociative symptoms for a little while now. With that comes the feeling like I don't matter, which makes me more prone to dissociate. It's a pretty vicious cycle.

I'm pretty sure that Freyr is going to keep working with me on this dissociation business. It's been the main symptom of trouble (aside from the nonsense that goes with bipolar and a touch of seasonal affective disorder). A part of me is scared that I'm not up for this. But I'm just going to do my best to stay body aware and stuff over the holidays (despite the stress). I may not feel like I'm worth it but Freyr is of the opinion that I am. (Probably with a laundry list of others, starting with Stargazer, to be honest.) We'll see what tonight's dreams bring me. At least it wasn't nightmares last night. That is progress right there.


Letters to Loki #4 (untitled)

Hey there Sly One,

I am just spinning my wheels right now. This headache is making it kinda hard to think coherently right now. It's been a fairly busy day today. I am so thankful that Beloved got his holiday bonus and that the mother-in-law randomly gave us some cash. It helped to take what was turning into an awful situation and made it something bearable. Beloved is fairly sure that if we play our cards right, we can make our first payment of rent to the new landlord on time. That would be a very good thing. I don't want to start that off with a bad impression.

I was really anxious earlier in the day before Beloved told me about his bonus and putting it all in the bank. I put that anxiety to work cleaning and baking. I was going to make cookies but I wound up making a huge loaf of bread. I was surprised that you didn't want any. I guess the coffee and that apple beverage was more in line with what you were interested in today. I still don't think that apple beverage came out quite right. I'm going to try adding more apples in next time. I suspect that my apple-water ratio was too light on the apples. I may also go with a different kind of apple, like a Granny Smith.

If I can manage it, I might even be able to get the stuff to taste like apple pie. Speaking of apple pie, I found a recipe for 'apple pie moonshine' (where the moonshine is replaced with vodka). I am totally going to get the stuff and try it out next month. I keep hearing about Fireball whiskey and I'm considering getting a bottle. The other thing I am considering is getting a bottle of whiskey and infusing cinnamon in it myself. The reports that Fireball has antifreeze in it makes me a little uncomfortable with the thought of getting it.

I still have that bottle of peach-cinnamon liqueur in the fridge. Since I don't have a pie scented candle for you right now, I figured pie flavored booze would be a good stand in. The only thing stopping me from making a pie is the fact that I really have no idea how to make a pie crust from scratch, all of my attempts have been inedible. I don't want to subject you to that. Maybe I'll be able to find a way to manage to get a pie crust on the shopping list next Saturday. I've got pretty much everything except the crust to make pumpkin pie. I know how much you love that stuff.

I found my oil warmer today. If I can locate the nice scented oil, I'll try to do that up for you tomorrow. I put that stuff in a safe place and now I can't seem to locate it. This seems to be a habit of mine. It makes me question if putting things in a safe place is a good idea because I can't locate them until half a year later, if not longer.

I'm almost finished spinning the blue-green merino-silk blend. I was thinking about making something for Sigyn with it. I'm just not sure what I can do with that small amount of thread. I still need to ply the stuff, which makes the yardage go down significantly. I was thinking maybe attempting to make something lace but I honestly am stumped on what to make. Any suggestions would be appreciated. It's been too long since I've made something for her. I really want to do something special because she is pretty wonderful and deserves special things.

Speaking of wonderful, Freyr's been super affectionate today. When I wasn't stammering, I was torn between delight and the urge to hide. You'll be pleased, I resisted that urge (not that it would have worked out too well, anyways). When I am in a good mental space, I feel awed and amazed. Most of all, loved. And Freyr seems to agree with you that one can never have too much love in their life. He's been pointing out all these fantastic little details that I just kept missing over the last few weeks. For all the challenges that are in front of me, there are a lot of really fantastic things. One of them is you and your love and friendship.

Thank you for being in my corner, even when I am paranoid, whiny, and miserable. Thank you really doesn't begin to express it, but it's all I can come up with right now while my head feels like it's trying to decide if it is going to explode or not. Give my love to Sigyn. I hope that you two get to do something special over the next little while. You both deserve it.


Writer's Cramp & Stuff

Waning Frost Moon (Age: 20 Days)
Sign: Virgo
Weather: Seasonably cold, several inches of
snow on the ground, cloudy
I am thankful for the fact that Freyr kicked my butt into doing my writing today. I think I got more accomplished today then I have all week. I am pretty sure he was the reason why I was still up and moving about in the morning after Beloved went off to work, rather then collapsing on the couch and sleeping until eleven o'clock in the morning. I've been doing a lot of handwriting today. The typing is something of a relief.

I don't know how many words per minute I am writing but I think I managed about six pages in this notebook. It has been grueling work to write this manuscript. It is nonfiction and that makes things all that much harder. Add to it that I am reaching into my past and sorting out things with respect to past trauma, and it just gets a bit more difficult. It was, however, a welcome distraction from my current anxiety. I forgot how even writing about bad things helps me to step away from present worries.

Our financial life got interesting over the past few weeks. The car needed some work, there was the last of the holiday shopping last week, and some insanity with the former landlord that resulted in money being particularly tight. Thankfully, Beloved gets paid today. That will help things enormously. I don't know how things are going to go with the new landlord. I am hoping that it will be better then they had been with the one we had before. I am, however, a little nervous. 

The big snowfall that was projected for yesterday wasn't as bad as they had predicted. Still, I thought it would have been helpful if the parking lot was plowed. It wasn't. I am doing my best not to worry that this is a sign of things to come, but I confess I am a little nervous. I poured all of that nervous energy into my therapy journal today because I had to cancel my therapy session (car getting worked on and all). Freyr sat with me as I was writing. It helped because I kinda felt alone and upset at the time.

He's telling me that I can negotiate some concessions from the other gods with respect to offerings over the next few months as we try to rebuild a bit of a financial cushion. I feel sad that I am in this position. I felt badly about what I had been giving as offerings before now, to be honest. I felt like they weren't good enough. Commercially made candles and such just feels wrong to me. Loki, however, has revoked my snob privileges and told me that I shouldn't kick myself about the fact that I can't give them fancy beeswax candles and stuff.

Advent has thus far been interesting. I think I mentioned earlier this week that my in-laws randomly gave us a Yule tree. The timing of it kinda had me suspicious because earlier that day, I was feeling a bit sad about our lack of a 'real' tree. I'm pretty sure that Dea had a hand in our receiving a tree that was the perfect size to go in our living room and the timing of its arrival. The kids are getting excited about the idea of Odin coming on Yule. I am considering how to introduce them to Dea, as my eldest has taken a keen interest in the statuettes of Dea that I have on the altar.

On the whole, I feel like I'm not up to the task of teaching them about spirituality. Freyr tells me that I'll be fine. Loki grins and says he's got lots of ideas I can try (which almost always makes me wary because his ideas that are tossed out when he has that gleam in his eye usually turn ridiculous pretty fast). Dea just smiles benevolently. I think I'm just going to have to trust the gods to put the right words in my mouth when it comes to having these conversations. The boys are old enough now that they're getting interested in the spiritual aspect of the world.


Letters to Loki # 3

Hail He who is best loved by the Lady of Victory,

I am torn between wanting the holiday season to just be over right now and grudgingly enjoying it. I have two things left to make and then I'll be on to the wrapping phase of Yule gifts. The kids have been bouncing around alternating between excited chatterings about Santa and talking about what they hope Odin is bringing them for Yule. I am envious of their glee. I can't seem to find it in me to be excited over this because I'm worrying about grown up stuff, like the damn bills and what not.

We now have a Yule tree. We're going to be decorating it this afternoon. I am hopeful that the kids will behave fairly well about the tree this year. It is as though we have two cats who stare at the shiny object and decide they must murder it. I am hoping that they'll resist the urge to get into ALL of the ornaments long enough for the tree to be up and pretty for a little while.

I feel a little guilty listening to Christian carols. I just enjoy some of them a great deal. My two favorites are God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen and We Three Kings. I kinda wish there were some pagan yule carols that had the same delightful sound to them. As a former choir geek, I kinda miss being able to sing these wonderful things and the soaring sensation of having my voice as part of a larger body that was singing.

It makes me sad that the financial difficulties are getting in the way of some of the nicer offerings I wanted to make. I wanted to get some lovely candles and some shiny things for you and the others. Unfortunately, I am stuck getting the inexpensive things from the big box store. If the money crunch gets any more intense, I may have to forgo scented candles and just burn tea lights for you.

A part of me says I should attempt doing readings on Keen again. Honestly, however, I am afraid to try it. I don't really know what I'm doing when it comes to marketing. I don't really do a good job interacting with unfamiliar people. The last reading I did on Keen didn't go that well and the one before it was pretty bad (for me). I am somewhat gunshy on that front. I don't know what to do. I hung up my hat when it came to Etsy. I realized that I wasn't producing enough material fast enough to justify that project. And I encountered the whole marketing thing that made me so anxious I was feeling pretty sick.

It is looking like I may not get my student loan debt forgiven. I don't know where we're going to find the funds to manage that and everything else. I am trying really hard not to perseverate over money. It was just really rough to check the bank account today and discover that we had much less then I anticipated. I was talking with my new psychiatrist about how I get really anxious over money stuff before I start getting depressed. She said I should keep an eye on that.

I don't know if my anxiety about money right now is because of the fact that things are financially challenging or if it is my sliding into a depressive episode. I really don't want to deal with a depressive episode right now. I have stuff I want to do and places I want to go. I get so angry at the mood swings. More should I say, with the depressive episodes. I am at a loss for what to do about the depressive episodes and how they suck the life right out of me.

I have started work on putting together a little kit to help me when things get really bad but I feel kinda foolish for doing it. I know that I should put my pride on the backburner for the time being and just focus on what gets results. I still find myself thinking that other people don't need this kind of supports for functioning. My therapist is of the mind that this line of thinking is partly the result of my not having enough social interaction. She's probably right. I have no idea how to resolve that.

I seem to be running into creative walls each time I turn around these last few days. It's really frustrating. If you could point me in a direction where I'm not going to hit the walls of this proverbial maze I'm in, that'd be great. Because it feels really stupid to be stumbling around like this over daily things.

My last few letters have been really cranky and depressed. I apologize for that. I started out intending for this to be happier and then it devolved. I won't delete it but I wanted to end with an apology for this negative tone. I know that if I force happiness it's just going to be a bad result. So, I'm keeping things real. But I feel kinda guilty for the down cast feelings and bitchiness. I'll be making cookies later. I'll give you the first of the batch. I know you love chocolate.


Crossposting: In Memoriam

This is not the first time I have had to mercy kill an animal. Like the first time (almost two years ago a baby bird fell out of a nest and broke its wing), I did my best to make sure that the creature suffered as little as possible. In Swimmer's case, it was a fatal dose of a fishy anesthetic (clove oil, if you ever need to use it). In the birds, it was breaking its little neck. In both cases, I felt horrible about doing it.

I passionately love life. Even when I am suicidally depressed, I still have a deep love of life. The act of ending another life grieves me. I have had times where I seriously considered going vegan because of how much it bothers me that other lives must end so that I may live. But, unlike the case of life feeding on life to survive, the act of extinguishing the life of another creature with no benefit to myself feels dirty.

Galina Krasskrova spoke of miasma a little while back. She mentioned something about how dead bodies are sources of that contagion. I can whole heartedly agree with this proposition and I can state, first hand, that the instant life leaves the body miasma is present. Lingering illness has its own miasmic qualities. In the case of Swimmers 2.0, the miasma of his illness and death had me feeling deeply disturbed and filthy.

Spiritually cleansing helped some with that, as did utterly scouring and cleansing the tank. Still, it took me a little over a week to right myself after that. Swimmers was a typical betta fish. Some people would say that I'm too soft hearted for being as disturbed by the fact that I had to kill him as I was. I am fairly certain that feisty little fish has progressed onto another life. If the way he met his death is any indication of how his next life is going to be, Swimmers in his next incarnation will be a force to be reckoned with.

For my part, I'm going to do my best to honor his memory by making sure that his replacement (a white betta named Ghost) lives a long life. Aside from that, I think it is going to take a while for me to again have warm fuzzy feelings towards the scent of cloves.
Original Post Here.


Dreams of Freyr

Full Frost Moon (Age: 15 days)
Sign: Gemini
Weather: Partly cloudy, seasonably cold,
no snow on the ground
Over the last several weeks, I've been having dreams of Freyr when I'm not having nightmares. He has also had a hand in ripping me out of my nightmares. A few nights ago, I dreamed that I was on a vast plain. Snow lay thick and it was very quiet. As I stood there and shivered, I wondered why I was there. Then, behind me, I heard the sound of hoofbeats.

I turned to find Freyr leading a coal black horse towards me. His expression was solemn as he approached me. He took my hand and put the reins for that horse into it. He told me that I had to master the beast. I responded that I didn't know how to ride and this earned me a droll look. Apparently having physical knowledge of how to ride and the ability to do so in dreams is not directly related. I felt something of a fool for that.

He helped me mount this horse and immediately it began to toss its head and stamp the ground, where it had been calm, if not docile under his hand. I attempted to talk to the horse, but it only grew more agitated as I did so. Freyr told me that the horse could smell my fear and that I needed to master myself if I was going to gain control of the horse. That was about when it reared and I was thrown off into the snow. This was repeated several times.

The fourth time I hit the ground I was so upset that I was starting to cry. I didn't want to be crying. I rather loathe the experience and have a special hatred for crying in front of people who mean a lot to me. Unlike the other times where I had burst into tears with him, Freyr did not put his arms around me and tell me it was going to be ok.

Instead, he watched me as I forced myself to my feet and struggled between crying and anger. I walked over to the horse and he moved to help me mount. I walked in front of the horse and took hold of the bridle. As I pulled the horse's face towards mine, the horse started to lift its head again. I jerked hard downward on the bridal and the horse's nostrils flared. I told the horse to stop being a dick. It blinked its brown eyes at me. I'm not sure if it understood what I was saying or not.

Freyr helped me mount the horse again. As it tossed its head and started to rear, I pulled hard on the reins, forcing that dark head back to the right. The horse moved back a pace but it didn't rear up. I let up some of the pressure on the reins and the horse started to walk forward. Suspicious that I was about to be thrown off again, I gripped the mane in my hands. This was a good thing because it bucked.

Somehow, I managed to stay mounted. The horse then stopped fighting me. It simply stood there as I let go of the mane and took the reins in my right hand. I looked over at Freyr to ask what I was supposed to do next when the dream melted away and I found myself plunged into a nightmare.

Unlike the other nightmares, this one didn't completely paralyze me with terror. I'm starting to think that black horse was the nightmares. Perhaps this means that I am beginning to regain control over my dreams. I suppose I can only hope.


Letters to Loki # 2: Keeping the Shield up.

Hail Loptr,

Thanksgiving was exhausting. I am quite thankful for my loving family by marriage. I'm thankful for the health and well being of my family. I'm thankful that Beloved had the day off from work and the day after. Most of all, I'm thankful for Ativan. Seriously, the chemist who invented that was a freaking genius. I made it most of the way through that gathering with out freaking out because of it.

I wish I could say that I'm doing better then I was last week. I don't know if I am, to be perfectly honest. Still, I'm keeping my proverbial shield up and pushing forward. I've been good about making sure I do my writing in my therapy journal, even though I think I'd prefer to deal with that wound-drain business when I had my appendix out. At least that was done and over with after a few weeks. This stuff just seems to keep going and going. It's like the Energizer bunny of doom or something.

I worry about what I'm going to do over the holidays. I feel like the stuff I have done thus far is insufficient. I'm pretty sure that it is my delusions of worthlessness kicking in. I've been catching myself stumbling over that one a lot over the last several days. It makes me a bit disgusted. Of all the things to be delusional over, it has to be how wretched I am. It is terribly unpleasant and I rather hate it. My anxiety has been rather high over the last week (hence my taking Ativan before visiting the in-laws, which usually doesn't faze me).

Going to the laundromat yesterday was pure torment. I literally lack the words to adequately express my gratitude for your encouragement. Having you sitting with me and pointing out how all the people in there were just minding their own business and didn't even notice me helped me as much as the Ativan did. I see my psychiatrist this week. I think I will do as you have strongly urged and discuss how my mood has dropped and my anxiety has been increasing.

I am a little nervous because this is going to be a new psychiatrist. That old fear that they're not going to believe me or discredit everything I have to say as being manufactured by a diseased brain is already bothering me. I feel really uncomfortable with the idea that I am going to have to request a renewal of the Ativan prescription. I'm almost out and I have discovered the hard way that I can't sleep with out it right now.

Sleep and I are now on speaking terms again. I suppose this is an improvement. Most of last week, I kept waking up in the middle of the night and being awake for about half the night. The nightmares, however, haven't stopped. Even with the medications, I still have a rough memory of them and what I do recall makes me shudder. It's made writing in my therapy journal a real fun experience. (See, my sarcasm is still intact, I'm going to be ok!)

I have been doing like you encouraged me and writing Freyr more. I'll admit it, you were right. He wasn't disgusted or horrified by what I had to say. My vulnerability did not repulse him, as I was so afraid of happening. I felt weirded out by how compassionate and concerned he was. Of course, I still get weirded out when Beloved does that too. I don't know if I'm ever going to get used to someone responding to my 'weakness' with positive things. I look at it and it feels like something is wrong with the universe. Like I'm watching the sun rise in the west rather then the east, kind of wrong.

I suppose, however, I should work on getting used to that kind of thing. Weird is your forte. And positive weirdness seems to be a more effective mindfuck then negative weirdness. Oh, speaking of weird, what was up with messing with that dryer? I put in 60 min worth of quarters and then suddenly I had 99 min? Seriously, dude, that had me concerned that I was going to have my stuff light on fire or something. Thankfully, the dryers there don't lock shut after you put your change in and I was able to get my laundry out. Pranking me to lighten the situation is ok, but please don't lead me to suspect that something is going to burst into flame because of it.

I'm still looking for that blue butterfly pin you told me to find for Sigyn. I think I may have to take a trip up to the city to find it. But I will locate it by Yule. If I have to, I'll make it. Let me know if there are other things you want me to find/make for people. My project list is actually fairly short right now.