1/29/17

Messages in a Pack of Cards

Waxing Ice Moon (Age: 1 day)
Sign: Pisces
Weather: Seasonably cold
Snow Pack status: dusting on the ground
Drought Status: D 0 - Unusually Dry
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

For the first time in a long while, I had a tarot reading done for me. The cards pretty much bluntly told me to accept all of the changes happening in my life. And they told me to stop fighting it so hard, because it is really for my own damn good. (I could elaborate, but some of the stuff is somewhat private.)

Then, last night, I had some bad dreams. In between a few weird nightmare, however, there was a dream where I saw Rose, Stargazer, and my late Aunt. The three of them were sitting together on one side of a circular table. Rose had coffee, Stargazer had tea, and my Aunt had wine. The table looked like the last sliver of the old moon before a new moon. The wood was highly polished and well aged. The thin crescent of white wood was holly. The black wood was ebony. Between them and myself was a pack of very generic looking cards. They were like the size of the largest deck I own (cards were about as long as the length of my hand and almost as wide as my hand). They had a brown back with a seven rayed white star in the center.

Rose turned over the first card and put it before me. It was not like any tarot card I am familiar with. Sure, you could say it was the 'ace oft wands' or the 'ace of swords' depending on how you wanted to view the spear. It was, however, no normal spear image. The spear was most definitely Odin's spear, Gungnir. It was in 'direct' orientation. As I looked at the spear, I saw blood begin to appear on the sharpened edges and roll down the spearhead. It dripped down the spearhead, down the haft of the spear, and then spilled over the edge of the card to form a pool of blood on the side facing me.

Stargazer turned over the next card and set it beside the first. It had a shield that was broken. It was a round buckler styled shield that was split half way down from the top to the center, where the metal boss was. The buckler was with out any device on it. But it was blood red and a band of black went around the edge. Stuck into the split at the top of the shield was a broken antler. As I looked at the card, I could hear ravens and crows calling. And I could smell mud and blood.

My Aunt turned over the third card and set it on the right of Stargazer's card. This card started off looking like a white lily, much like the Easter Lilies. Then, the blossom faded and turned brown before falling off. The leaves of the lily lengthened and turned to sword blades pointing upward. At the place where the blossom was, a star was there. It was no ordinary star though. It was more like the flash of blinding brilliance that you see when something goes nova.

The three of them then set their hands on the deck. Rose said to me "You draw the next card." Stargazer said, "Remember where you are going and where you come from." And my Aunt said, "Remember we are with you." As I reached forward to the deck, I heard a screaming noise. It was this strange cross between something bestial, something avian, and something human, along with elements of rending metal.

I heard a voice behind me say quietly, "Be not afraid. I am with you." Then I could smell the scents of forge fire and deep forest. As I turned the fourth card, that screaming noise became even more tortured. I saw natural disasters of all shapes happening in that card all at the same time. It was visual cacophony. The last thing I saw, however, was a man dressed in black standing behind someone who had light shone on him. The man in black was standing with his back to me, as was the person who was in the light (and a royal blue throne, with out gilding). The man's hair was cut short and he was standing at something like parade rest. His hair color was dark, but I couldn't tell for certain. He held an unsheathed dagger behind his back.

Somehow, I knew that THIS was our enemy.

Then I had another nightmare about shoveling snakes with a snow shovel. (It was super weird. When I woke up, I was going 'what the actual fuck?)

1/22/17

On 'black magic'

Waning Wolf Moon (Age 23 days)
Sign: Sagittarius
Weather: Unseasonably warm, foggy
winter storm due in the next 48 hrs
Drought Status: D 0 - Unusually Dry
Snow Pack: melted
~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Here's some copy-pasta from a discussion thread I was involved in on Facebook. I will apologize, I am that annoying person who won't proofread their FB posts and will not capitalize aside from proper names.

magic is like a hammer. a hammer is morally neutral. it can be used to build a house, fashion toys for children, or help re-break a badly set bone so it can heal properly. it can also be used to break the windshield on some one's car, injure animals, and to murder someone. the question is how are you using it and what is your intent. because, that breaking the windshield on the car may be opening it so you can pull someone out before the cat catches fire, the animal may be livestock that is getting humanely killed so that someone may eat, and the person killed may be done so in self defense.

do i do things that are considered by the mainstream pagan community as 'dark' or 'left-hand path'? yes, and i wouldn't hesitate to do so again. i use my proverbial hammer judiciously and as i deem appopriate for the situation. because magic has such a strong potential to go awry if things are not executed properly, it is not my first choice in resolving situations. i hold it in reserve until things have reached a point where i have little other recourse. curses are not something to be undertaken lightly. (by the way the really popular healing spells to make cancer go away or for your viral illness go away are technically structured as curses. and blessings can be just as damaging and horrific, if not more so. look at that old 'interesting times' one for a good example.)

there are times, however, where i had to use a curse. if you are careful and deliberate about how you structure it and the methodology you use to enact it, that 3x blow back thing is less of a concern. it is important to remember in what ever form of spell craft you engage in that you are going to be working with or against laws of physics and such. thus, to make a spell effective, you must over come the inertia of the situation (commonly referred to as 'raising energy') and you must be prepared to handle the reciprocal effects in your direction from what you initiate (all actions have an equal and opposite reaction unless acted upon by an outside force).

addendum: the 3x return thing is in most cases not a literal i do something nice for someone and somethign amazing happens for me. the incidences i have observed of things coming back with interest i can count on one hand and i've been practicing magic in some shape for over thirty years now. it is more like pushing on a pendulum. it will swing back with force equal to what you put into it. a lot of people don't realize, however, just the amount of force they put behind that push.

1/20/17

Vision.

Waning Wolf Moon (Age: 22 days)
Sign: Scorpio
Weather: Unseasonably warm, humid
moderate rain showers
Drought status: D 0 (unusually dry)
Snow pack: melted
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

As I was briefly viewing the footage from the protesting happening in DC today, I was struck by something that was chilling. It was a single, brief thing. But, something deep inside me noted it.

Protesters who were not violently engaged and members of the press were fired on with tear gas and other 'non-lethal' projectiles. The people firing were aiming at clusters of people, regardless if they were in a threatening position. While the press is reporting that this happened towards strictly only the people who were throwing things at the police and national guard, the video footage that I was watching (that was real time and unedited) showed that they were also taking aim at people who were simply standing with their hands raised in the universal gesture of surrender and at members of the press.

The vision was fleeting, but I saw a large man (perhaps impossibly large) beaten to the ground by a mob. This was entirely contrary to what was happening. The vision took place in a location with little to no vegetation. It looked like a field of pure ice. This man looked at me. He reached a hand towards me, his expression one of pure terror.

Some would read this as a sign that the people will throw off their oppressors, etc.

It was not what I got out of this. This man had the look of a soldier who had been in harsh battles and was attempting to stand against a mob that was threatening others. Thus, he moved forward with the expectation of his experience and size would be enough to curtail would be attacks.

He, however, was not successful. Because the others just didn't stop coming.

Their faces were masks of rage. They looked almost bestial in their expressions, but it was that queer, unique quality that can be seen only in human faces. All the worst traits of simian expressions of wrath, sans the disturbing teeth to add to it.

They were NOT the oppressed. They were the ones that the man tried to stop. He was not violent. Even as they assailed him, he was doing his best not to harm them. And he was deeply afraid.

I don't know who the man was. But he needs help. And the ones he is protecting need it as well.

1/19/17

Do the Work.

Waning Wolf Moon (Age: 21 Days)
Sign: Void of Course
Weather: Cool (average temp is near freezing)
Cloudy with rain expected later
Snow Pack: Melted
Drought Status: D0 - Abnormally Dry
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

The last week has been exhausting because of all this work to change myself. It was especially challenging to get into the physical activity. Beloved has taken matters in hand and been helping me stay on task. He's helped me put together a list of weekly and daily tasks. He's also helping me stay accountable. I've been struggling with the nonsense thoughts that I should be accomplishing all of this on my own and that it is some how wrong for me to need help. Also, the thoughts that I am somehow wrong for my kinky inclinations and such.

Ingvi said to me earlier while I was coming back from my walk (with weights, it was tiring) that I needed to stop worrying about what was 'right' and look at what it is I need and what it is that actually works for me. It was a ... gentle reminder that needs trump opinions. I am beginning to think I need to make a post it note or something and post it where I see it every day. I was feeling upset that I am not doing any 'work' right now.

This got me a droll look. As Ingvi looked at me as though I said something completely foolish, Loki piped up. He said in a tone of pure sarcasm, "Because completely changing your life to become healthy is just a new hobby, right?" I was half tempted to fire back with my own sarcasm but... well, I know that I can't win a battle of words with the Lie-Smith. He's just too damn good at it. (Sometimes I try for funsies, but it's pretty clear that he is feeding me enough rope to hang myself. It's all in good fun. Because he thinks its funny to watch me try to get in a few good licks while he basically holds me at arms length and lets me swing at the air, all for the sake of amusement. We have an odd relationship.)

I was meditating earlier. Ingvi sat down beside me on the couch. (It is always a bit odd when you feel someone sit down beside you, complete with the couch cushions shifting, but there is no one physically there.) He said to me, "Before you can help anyone else, you need to take care of yourself. Put on your oxygen mask first, et cetera, et cetera. The Work you feel called to do, it flows out of your own health. How can She direct you when you are not well enough to hear her? How can She guide you when you are not well enough to act on your own?"

I was somewhat upset with that last point. As it started to shake me out of my light trance, he set a hand on my knee. (The mild ache that I had from walking just vanished when he did it. It was pretty nice.) He said to me, "You are a fighter. You are stubborn. Put that to work for you, not against you. You are still at the beginning. Learn to walk before you run. You've been injured, you must heal your injury before you can do more. Be patient. I know you can be. Do so, for me."

So, apparently this effort to get myself healthier as the Work I must focus on right now.

1/7/17

Push Forward.

Waxing Wolf Moon (Age: 9 days)
Sign: Void of Course
Weather: Cold, cloudy
Snow Pack: > 1 in
Drought Status: Abnormally Dry (DS 1)
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

I have been working hard to do all those healthy things. Eating healthy, getting enough water, and getting exercise has been probably the easier part of it all. It is the managing the mental health stuff that has been hard. When I get upset and feel like I am just going to fail, so why bother trying, Ingvi gives me a rather stern look. Thus, I continue to make the effort, even though I may grumble some. Because I don't want to disappoint him.

I was really struggling yesterday. As I was sitting at the table working on updating my mental health journal and I noticed that I didn't get all of my check boxes marked for the day, I was discouraged. As I sat there looking down at my notebook with despair, he walked up behind me and set a hand on my shoulder. I could feel him leaning over me to look at the notebook. He then said to me, "It is not good enough? Why?"

I answered that it was never good enough, sounding utterly miserable. That is when Loki piped up from the other room "What have I said about opinions?" At which point I just kinda sighed. I caught Freyr waving a hand at Loki. I think he was about to have more to say, I'm not sure. But, Freyr wrapped an arm around me before setting his cheek against mine.

He said very quietly, "You're tired. You never look kindly at yourself when you are tired. Let this be and go enjoy the company of your husband and rest." I felt badly about leaving my notes for the day incomplete. I don't think it was pure coincidence that my pen stopped working. So, after having some quality time with Beloved and talking about all the garbage thoughts rattling around in my head, I fell asleep.

I don't remember my dreams except for one thing. I was trying to push forward through a very large pile of snow. It was literally deep enough that it came to the middle of my chest. I just knew that I had to go forward. I was exhausted but still trudging. As I was doing so, I some how could hear *someone* calling me from out ahead of me. Their voice kept getting lost in the wind. But I could hear a voice calling.

1/4/17

Struggling.

Everything weather wise is in flux right now. A new comet has been discovered. A new thing that is on a near-Earth approach has been discovered and they're not sure what it is. The political climate is marching steadily towards tumult of the most unpleasant sort. And my head is not ... happy.

I was having a grumpy, fairly miserable day. Then Loki pretty much ordered me to get out of the house. He met my crankiness with pure surly and over bid, I rolled a one whereas he got a natural 20. I don't know if the dice were loaded or not. I'm not sure how easy it is to load a 20 sided die. Then again, he may have been using Cthluhlu's dice and who knows what that number actually was.

So, I went out and got lunch quick at the pizza place around the corner. As I sat there eating, watching Deliverance on the tv (remember what an awful movie it was) I tried to figure out if my problem was due to something physical or phyisiological. I mean, my cold is going away. I was eating so my blood sugar wasn't a problem. I had taken all of my medications in the morning. Hormones were off because of my being on my menses, but that didn't seem especially bad.

After I finished my food, I came back home. I was starting to get sucked back into that grumpy headspace when Ingvi told me to go outside, that there was a surprise waiting for me. I wandered to the back deck. I discovered much to my delight that my miniature rosebushes have survived the weather we had recently. Upon Freyr's suggestion, I moved them to the most sheltered spot I have outside. Then, I came around the plants out front. That was when I discovered that I had live mint plants still growing in a pot that was forgotten and essentially dried out until the snow hit (at which point it was frozen).

So, I came inside, puttered around with my houseplants and potted up the mint sprigs. I still don't feel that great. I don't know if it is hormones, still lingering stress from the holidays, or if it is my mood cycling. As I wandered around here this afternoon, I could feel them present. When my thinking started to get excessively self critical, Loki was throwing out sarcastic commentary about how 'accurate' it was. When I caught myself ready to just give up on doing stuff that was good for me, Freyr was there just quietly, but sternly reminding me that I had made a decision and I was going to stick to it.

I don't know, is this how godspousery works for other people? Am I going crazy? I don't know. And, to top it all off, they're both telling me how I *really* need to talk to Beloved about my anxiety about everything. I feel like I've just been dumping alot of anxious blabber into his lap. But I've got Loki and Ingvi both getting progressively... displeased with my attempt to just suck it up and deal. (And Loki says dryly 'yes, because you can just 'suck up and deal' with a sucking chest wound, shall I hold your hair for you while you bleed out so it doesn't get matted?')

1/2/17

Wut?

Mentally drawing a blank on stuff like weather description and current lunar position/phase. It's been a long day. I hope that you will forgive me not posting that usual bit of detail.

I am working on making changes in my life. This is supposed to be a good thing. I am, however, exhausted and apprehensive. And I'm only 2 days into the new calendar year. I don't know if it is my cold and the stress of the last few weeks catching up with me or what. I just know that I don't feel well and I'm worried that I'm going to mess everything up.

My life is a bit of a mess right now. This makes me anxious. So, I'm trying to curb the mess and get things organized. Which is overwhelming, thus I am anxious. And I think I pushed myself too hard yesterday, which is why today I was so tired and mentally shot.

Why am I so bad at pacing myself? I want to do better. I'm afraid I am going to fail. And I don't know what to do about it.

And I'm mentally just spinning my wheels. All together not conducive to anything remotely like doing tarot readings or whatever.