Godspousery Notes: A conversation between Loki and I

 Loki: You're not afraid.

Me: Yes I am, but I also feel numb.

Loki: No, you're furious to the point of mild dissociation. The fear is recycled from the past.

Me: What do you mean?

Loki: How old do you feel?

Me: *thinks about it* 12

Loki: What was going on in your life at 12?

Me: Dad was spouting racist jokes, trying to scam people, and being a terror.

Loki: Hmm, seems to be some parallels.

Me: Goddamn it. You're right. What I am going to do?

Loki: What you've always done, tell the truth no body wants to hear.

Godspousery Notes: Being Flooded With Ideas ...

Dear Reader,

When I am struggling with just my short 4 line prayers in Tumblr, being flooded with ideas for things to write is almost painful. Loki has been throwing ideas at me for Filianic texts. Freyr has been throwing at me ideas for book series that I have been working on. And then there's the ideas that pop up in the middle of the night as questions that I wrestle with for a spell before falling back to sleep.

It's maddening to have all these ideas weighing on my mind even as I am struggling to write anything. I know that I have two of my biggest cheerleaders in these two. They're super proud of anything I accomplish because they just know how hard it is. I just wish I wasn't so tired or dealing with fall out from my disabilities all the time. That's what really gets in my way.

But both Loki and Freyr are insisting I can do this despite my troubles. I just need more faith in myself. That's kinda the opposite of what I've been feeling because of my brain issues. But they assure me that it will get better.

Godspousery Notes: Hanging in like a cat on a window screen.

 The last several months have been challenging. I'm doing my best to just get through the day but it's pretty hard when you're not sleeping well. I've been having problems with onset and terminal insomnia (that is difficulty falling asleep and waking up too early). This has been an issue since August of last year. I am exhausted most of the time and very irritated that I don't have the energy to do all the things that I need to in order to keep the household running, let alone do the other stuff that I want to.

Freyr keeps telling me have a plan. I come up with a plan and he tells me to scale it back. Step and repeat. He's of the opinion that I keep demanding too much from myself on a regular basis. He's not wrong. I'd like to argue with him on it but I can't because he's not wrong.

Loki keeps telling me to slow down and rest. Which sounds really weird because I'm running at half speed and taking regular naps (which is probably not helping the sleep problem). But, Flame-Hair and Freyr keep conspiring together to try to raise my spirits. A rando plant that a neighbor gave me 10 years ago has suddenly burst into bloom and according to what I can learn, it's an orchid of some variety. Some random bits of good luck have come along to cheer me up. A major bit of random good luck came along to keep us safe when the EF0 tornado basically passed about a football field away from us.

Loki tends to look over my shoulder at my plans for the day and tell me that half of the list can wait for the next day. It's exasperating. But, it's probably accurate. It took me most of last week and a major meltdown to get the dishes done. It is looking like it's going to be just as hard to get the laundry taken care of. This is all simple housework that I should be managing on a daily basis but I just struggle to find the energy. It's exhausting. 

They keep telling me to rest. I'm not good at that. I keep pushing myself until something goes haywire and then I feel all guilty about it because that was how I was raised to do things. Not allowed to rest until all of the work is done. Try to rest before all of the work is done, there's going to be a horrific consequence for it. It sucked as I was a kid, let me tell you. But, I'm trying to take things slow and pace myself. Just doing the best I can and hanging in like that cat on a window screen with all claws deployed.

Godspousery Notes: Touched by Freyr

 Some days, some times, I don't feel them with me. But they leave a trail of evidence that's impossible to deny. In the case of Freyr, virtually every plant that can bloom in my home is blooming right now. Including one that I've owned for ten years and had nary a bud before now. Baby plants are forming off of other plants that have been relatively dormant. The 'indoor jungle' (as Beloved calls it) is lush and beautiful. It's not my green thumb. It's Freyr. 

I just give the plants water and hope they don't die. He has laid his hand upon them and they're flourishing. To the point that I am going to need to figure out how to repot half of them. The outside gardens are doing just as well despite the fact that we're edging closer to drought. All these green babies are love notes and encouragement for me to keep pushing on because life will find away.

Godspousery Notes: Story time with Loki

 One night, during my recent bout of hypomania, Loki decided to tell me a story to help me sleep. He started it off by saying, "I am the Lie-Smith, therefore this is Schrodinger's tale. No one knows if it is true or not." I drolly answered with "Isn't that true with half of your stories?" His rejoinder: If that were the case only a quarter of what I tell you would be truth until it was all lies. I muttered something about turtles but he told me to stop talking and go to sleep.

So, I shut up and stared at the ceiling for a few minutes. Then Loki told me this story.

'Once, in Midgard, no light was seen but that of Sòl. There were the stars and Máni at night, but it was not half so bright as day. And so it remains. (At this point I interrupted him with 'Wow, that's a short story.' I was told to shut up and go to sleep.) The days were warm but the nights were bitterly cold. My grandchild, He who Mocks, ran mightily until he overtook Sòl for a time. 

The Day-Star's Mistress was quite worried. He who Mocks, however, spoke to her.

"Have you no regard for the poor creatures of the nine worlds who shiver bitterly when you put your horses abed?"

She looked briefly from her course to Midgard and saw places where ice remained despite her cargo's brilliant light and warmth. In them, she saw man struggling to keep warm. She thought of her own child and pitied them, for were they not some mother's child as well?

"There's nothing I can do, wolf," Sòl said, "I must drive this chariot through the skies of the nine worlds lest there be eternal darkness."

He who Mocks was not pleased with this answer. "Such a fine mother you are to keep your own child warm at your breast as you ride high. Yet a poor daughter for you have forgotten your father in chill Midgard and abandoned him and your mother to it."

Sòl grew irate with this comment and said bitterly, "Wolf, you know I have no choice in this. I bear a spark of Muspelheim in this wain. If it were to fall to Midgard, all would turn to ash as surely as if Surtur came in his wrath." He who Mocks regarded Sòl and then ran off. As light again grew bright upon the nine worlds, He who Mocks stopped chasing his quarry for a time.

He who Mocks ran along the secret ways of the World Tree to Muspelheim. At the gate he met Sinmara, Muspelheim's great queen. She frowned at my grandson. "You have abandoned your solemn duty, wolf. Now the girl of Midgard who guides the Day-Star will become lazy and wander."

"I shall resume chase in a little while, Lady, but I ask for a spark of your fire, a tiny one. That I might baffle Sòl in the chase." Sinmara thought a while. She was wise, as her husband Mimir, perhaps a little bit more for she still had her head upon her shoulders and was consort to a mighty ruler.

"Wolf, I will not give you this spark you ask for because it will cause mischief in the heavens. I will, however, give it to the one you send to me for a price. The fire of Muspelheim is beyond value and I will not see it diminished one bit for a simple folly."

He who Mocks nodded in agreement and ran away. On his way to catch up with Sòl, he passed by me. "Grandfather! Oh, Grandfather!" he cried, "Go to Sinmara and catch a spark of their fire to spread in cold Midgard." So, I took my bow and quiver of arrows, with one that I carved as I spoke with my daughter's servant one afternoon. I set off along the hidden ways, ready for danger. For it was my want to travel with Lævateinn, to keep the eagle's bane safe with me.

By and by, I reached the gate of Muspelheim and Sinmara sat waiting. She plucked Lævateinn from the quiver with her keen eye. "This is a fitting price to bring a torch to those wanting light and heat from Muspelheim. I will keep it until its time of using comes." Sinmara gave me a brand that she had been holding and I ran aloft.

The children of Midgard watched as the torch gleamed against the sky that night. The days grew warmer and through the disguise of a herdsman with his goats, I wandered through Midgard bringing fire to each family. Finally, I came to Mundilfari's home. The sad eyed father looked up at the sky where his beautiful son drove his wagon. I said to Mundilfari as I gave him the brand to light his hearth, "Where shall I set this light since I have gone all over Midgard to every hearth and forge?"

Mundilfari was a wise man. He pointed to the track I had run across the sky. "Set it there that it might be a light to remind us of warmth and the kindness you showed us." So I placed the torch where that star named Sirius burns. And there it remains until the end of days.' 

Godspousery Notes: 4 / 3 of 2022

I am currently depressed. Seasonal affective disorder is stupid and I hate it. I pulled a rune card out of my deck to use for this week's Rune Study post on my other blog and this is the one that popped up. My feelings were a bit bitter at first. Joy when you're depressed is kinda fleeting if not impossible some days. Still, this is the rune that popped up randomly.

I have been trying to find the humor in the absurd, which Loki always reminds me is happening everywhere if you look hard enough. Again, a bit of a bitter laugh but I'm fairly sure that Scar-Lip has been stealing my sleep masks. I've now gone through five and they are nowhere to be found. I go to bed with one on and wake up in the middle of the night to have it missing off my face. If Loki's slick enough to steal Freyja's necklace while she's sleeping, I know this would be like taking candy from a small child. It's as absurd as it is irritating.

Frey's been quiet this week. I'm not surprised given how bitterly cold it has been here. It makes it harder to make a connection with him off season.

Godspousery Notes: 3 / 2 of 2022

 Story time. Way back about two years before the pandemic hit, Freyr asked me to sacrifice my long hair to him. Now, at the time, my hair came down to my hips and was a lot darker. I attempted not too long before this request to dye my hair royal blue and nothing happened, it was a waste of time and money. The only place it showed up was in the witch's streak of white that I have over my left eyebrow and then it didn't show up that well. (I've had this streak of white hair since I was a kid. Got picked on about it. I literally laughed when I found out that they were called witch's streaks many years later.) I agreed, figuring it was hair. It'll grow back and it's not a big deal.

Cue two years where I couldn't stand the feeling of hair longer than my chin. Cue two years where I struggled to find a look that suited me. Last September, I found the perfect look. Then Freyr was asking me to wait a little bit on getting it cut. My hair barely came down to my shoulders and was frustrating me. I couldn't really do anything with it. It got in my eyes all the time but didn't work well with the different styles I had for scarves and veiling. And, the greatest insult, it was thinning and coming out because it was too long for the roots to do a good job of holding on to it. So, the last weekend of September, I got my hair cut.

In the top picture is what my hair looked like before I got the big cut. Freyr was worried that I was going to be distraught about losing my long locks. I was of a mind that this didn't count as long. After all, when I first had cut my hair for him, it came down to my hips. He really didn't want me to make a decision that I was going to regret. His anxiety over it all was sweet. 

I was frustrated with my hair and ready for a change. I was unhappy that I was having hair falling out. I didn't like the way it looked and the fact that I couldn't do anything with it but throw a kertchief on and hope it didn't get too annoying. It was barely long enough to put into a ponytail again. The change to my hair style was a matter of quality of life for me. It was a matter of doing my best to live authentically. I wasn't sure how it was going to change my veiling practices but I knew that I had to do something different. Loki was wildly excited about the new look I wanted and insisted it was perfect for me.

This lower picture is what I got done a few weeks later. For the first time in a long time, I was really ecstatic with my hair. Sure, the grey showed up a lot more. My head was chilly when the wind blew, but I felt like myself more than I had in a long time. I had absolutely no idea how I was going to manage veiling when I went out into public. I aside from the assortment of scarves, I have a good number of hats. Suddenly, my options were larger because I didn't have to worry about hair peeking out from beneath the hat if I decided to wear one out as my head covering.

I was also delighted because it further obscured my recognizability from people who had previously been in my life that I had cut out for sanity reasons. Between the faux hawk, the goth look, and a mask, they could be standing right beside me and not recognize me at all so long as I kept silent. The last time those people saw me, I didn't even have glasses. All good things in my opinion.

Today, I finally figured out how to make a blue and gold pashmina that I love work as a headscarf. It did wonders for keeping my head warm during this cold day. I was happy with it. I am struggling with depression but I'm working at getting better with self-care and being persistent in my effort to be authentic. Freyr came around on the hair style when he realized how happy I have remained with it. He was pleased when I managed to do this wrap, because it meant that I had figured out a way to veil with out getting frustrated with my hair.

I'm still getting used to my new bifocals. But, that's a story for another day. Loki is still insisting that I look 'kick ass' with the faux hawk. He's been trying to talk me into letting it grow out and become a real mohawk. He thinks that it would be awesome on me. I'm not quite convinced. But the fact that Beloved, Freyr, and Loki all agree that happiness looks good on me and (even with my current depressive episode) the joy that I have in this hair style is exactly what I needed.

Godspousery Notes No. 1: Support in times of Anxiety.

 Yesterday, I did the grocery shopping for the first time in the last year and a half. I did it because Beloved was completely exhausted from running errands at o' dark thirty for some relatives. So, I took the shopping list and headed out. I was nervous about it because it is the weekend of Black Friday and I'm a social phobe. I was also nervous about driving because of the fact that my astigmatism makes headlights look like starbursts and sometimes make me temporarily blind when I'm driving at night. With sundown being around 4pm now, I had a tight time table and multiple stores to hit.

I'm pretty sure that the random acts of kindness that I ran into as my nerves were beginning to ramp up weren't quite as random as they seemed. When you're involved with a chaotic deity, randomness becomes suspicious when it follows a pattern. In this case the pattern was a combination of people complimenting me on my hat and just moving out of the way right as I was approaching from behind. They didn't see me coming, I didn't have the cart with a squeaky wheel, and there was no indication that anyone around them noticed me. I did warn them as I passed behind them that I was there, because they were so focused on their shopping that I didn't want to startle them. Most of them didn't respond. It was a little eerie because most people respond when I do that with either "Oh! I didn't see you there!" or "Ok, thank you."

I was able to find just about every major item we needed at the discount grocery store. It was a good thing because when I saw what the prices were at the regular grocery store, my jaw just about hit the floor. I had an abstract knowledge that the price of things  had been going up but actually looking at it was an entirely different experience. I was power-walking through the grocery stores because I was uncomfortable. When I was forced to slow down, I encountered people who randomly offered me compliments on my hat or my mask with the roses all over it. I made a point of being as polite and pleasant as I could be despite the urge to just move on as quick as I could to get away from strangers.

It was an uncomfortable experience to be out grocery shopping. I could feel Loki with me, just walking along. He pointed out that the store had a set of black cable knit sweaters. I almost stopped and bought one but I had milk in the back of the car that needed to get home and into the fridge. Today, he's been encouraging me to call the salon and set up a hair appointment for next weekend and insisting I really should go pick up one of those sweaters before they're out of stock. At this time of day, that'd mean part of my drive home would be at dusk. I guess I could do it because it wouldn't be full dark and my vision wouldn't be completely screwed by someone having their high beams on. But I'm real leery of the concept.

It going to be hard in a few weeks when I have to take the car for some appointments and possibly be driving at night to get Beloved from work. I have a problem. My night vision has been steadily getting worse over the last few years. And my astigmatism is enough to fuck that up badly too. Unlike some idiots that I'm related to, I'm not going to get a pair of sunglasses to wear when I drive at night. Because I know the problem isn't the brightness of what I'm looking at as much as there's something physically not right in my eye. Sunglasses isn't going to fix that and it will make it an order of magnitude harder to watch for wild life running out into the road.

After I had gotten all of the shopping done and was home, Loki said he was proud of me for going out on my own for a longer time than I had in just about a year. I think that Loki kept nudging nice people into my path to give me encouragement to keep going. He does things like that.

Godspousery Notes: I've lost count, time to reset the counter. :)

 Where do I begin? I have been struggling with mental health stuff for about half a year now. I've been struggling with sleep for about the same length of time. Now my seasonal depression is kicking me in the teeth and we've got all the wonderful stress of the holidays going on. On top of that, I came to the sad conclusion that my night vision is bad enough that I simply can not drive when the sun is down. This severely restricts my options in going out to do stuff.

On one hand, I kinda knew this was coming down the line because my night vision has been degrading for a while. On the other hand, I'm really upset because I feel like the world has gotten smaller and I am yet more trapped in my own home by circumstance. Loki and Freyr have done their best to comfort me and assure me that this is not an awful thing. It's really hard though, because I've developed a fear of going blind after the experience about 3 years ago when my blood sugar was high enough that it screwed with my vision and everything was blurry.

Beloved assures me that since I've got my blood sugar and other matters under control, I shouldn't fear going blind anytime soon. He suggested that laser surgery could possibly fix my astigmatisms (I've got 2 in one eye and 1 in the other.) and maybe even help me regain some of my night vision. I am just really sad about this and how much these vision issues have negatively impacted my life. I love astronomy but with my night vision problems, it's harder to see the stars (never mind the light pollution makes my eyes have problems too). It just about makes me want to cry.

The vision thing is the latest in a series of running problems. Over the course of one week, I developed an allergy to latex, shellfish, and Aleve. So, I can't use dishwashing gloves now. I can't eat my favorite soup any more (clam chowder). And I can only take Tylenol (or its generic counterpart) for my intermittent migraines. Let me tell you, Tylenol is about as useful during a migraine as spitting into the ocean. It's next to useless with my arthritis, but I try anyways. That week I got angry with Loki who held up his hands and said, "Hey, this isn't mischief. This is your body hating you, again." So, I got weepy and upset over the fact that my meat suit is malfunctioning, again. He tried to cheer me up with jokes and stuff, he really did try. It's just hard to accept that my body has a laundry list of issues that just are getting worse as I get older, it seems.

I've got someone I care about in a bad situation that I can't do a damn thing to help. I can pray, but that's about it. The awful part of it is the fact that I have been running into flashbacks to past trauma because of a number of things. This started about half a year ago and just hasn't stopped. My psychologist has been wonderful about doing his best to help me. When Loki, Freyr, or Beloved notice that my brain weasels are getting out of control, they remind me that I have another dose of anxiety medication to shut them up. The flashbacks to past trauma have ranged from emotional ones to completely reliving the experience. (Fortunately, the last one only happened once so far.)

Freyr has been leaning on me to do more self-care. Loki's been throwing things that help that process into my path (like the random discovery of a lotion that is specifically for diabetic skin that is sensitive and I don't react to it at all). I've been struggling with it. Last night after my shower, as I was applying lotion to pretty much everything, I felt like a greased sausage. It was humiliating. My super dry skin was very itchy. The places where I had cracked skin was sore and the places where there's skin buildup was extremely uncomfortable. I mentioned how I felt about all this to Beloved. He gently chided me that I wasn't a greased sausage but a woman with a skin condition.

As I was in the process of trying to get some rest, I got a stern talking to from Loki about my 'exceedingly uncharitable and inappropriate' comment about myself. I was firmly reminded that negative self-talk like that is not acceptable and I had to knock it off. Communication with Loki and Freyr has been alternating between stuff like 'hey, are you ok? you can talk to me," affectionate stuff, and stern reminders that negative self-talk and neglecting my welfare is unacceptable. When I was really upset about how somethings weren't going quite right in my relationship with Beloved, the two of them told me that I was going to talk to him about it or there was going to be a consequence.

The last time I ignored them on something important like that, I found myself in a position where the issue was right in my face the whole time until it got fully addressed. So, I talked to Beloved. Had a meltdown over the fact that I have emotional needs at all. And got reminded that I was raised in a household where basic needs like eating were treated as reward/luxury items for me rather than necessities and punishments for having needs happened on a regular basis. It was a hard day.

I'm just trying to keep my head glued together. Loki's been attempting to cheer me up and get me to shrug off some of the depressive symptoms. It sort of works for a little while and then it doesn't. Freyr's been really big on how I need to take better care of myself and kinda using the carrot and a stick approach when I dig my heels in about refusing to do so.

Somehow in all of this, I wrote a devotional for Loki. It's up on Amazon as an e-book and a paperback. The paperback has more stuff to it. 

30 days for Freyr - Roadblocks.

 I've been desperately trying to keep up on my writing but failing left, right, and center. I've been having some problems over the last several weeks. Three weeks ago, I put my back out and I was out of commission for a week. About two months now, I have been having severe problems with insomnia. This is having a negative impact on my ability to focus to write or do much of anything. The apartment is kinda a mess again because I've had the attention span of a goldfish. Throw on top of this, for the last three weeks I have been having difficulties with my C-PTSD and experiencing a lot of intrusive thoughts and flashbacks at random with great frequency.

I'm working with my doctor to get these things resolved but I know that this is not a case of 'Take this pill and you'll be better in a week.' But, it is making things like devotional writing hard. If you follow me on Tumblr, I'm a bit irregular in my morning little prayers right now. I'm stressed out and dissociating on a fairly regular basis. My problems sleeping make me more prone to doing that. I'm not entirely sure why.

Last night was the first night in the last two months I got something that resembled a full night of sleep. I only woke up twice and that was to get a drink of water. All this stress has my blood sugar running kinda high in the morning and I've been stress eating stuff like cheese. I think the only reason why this post is not gibberish is because I got more than 4 hours of sleep last night. I'm also on my second pot of coffee. That magical potion that turns me from a zombie into a semi-functional person.

Freyr has been concerned. Loki's been concerned. Beloved is concerned. The only ones who are not concerned are my kids, who don't really know what's going on because I do my best to mask my symptoms around them because they find them distressing. Which is exhausting. I don't know what the solution to this problem is going to be. I just hope that all of this doesn't land me into an depressive or a manic episode. Either would be real bad right now.

But that's why I haven't been posting. Because my brain is shit right now. I don't even know why I can't sleep. I fall asleep ok but I keep waking up after a large chunk of my bedtime medication wears off. The other night, I woke up six times in a row, despite taking the melatonin as my doctor advised. I think the fact I slept last night is based on the fact that I was so tired I was literally stumbling over my own feet.

July for Loki: Post 12

 He laughs and it's music to my ears no matter what form he takes. Loki is just someone that I adore. He's been with me through horrific times and wonderful times. He basically threw me at the love of my life, going 'NOW KISS!!' when we were little more than kids. Loki's been the source of humor that carried me through some horrible shit when I was a kid. Loki's sense of humor is dark, sardonic, and hilarious. He is the one who cracks jokes at a funeral about the dead guy in the box that make people giggle despite themselves.

Sometimes, Loki speaks through me. The experience of channeling Loki is probably one of the most intimate things I've ever had. Channeling can put you in the position where you're in the passenger seat of your brain observing what's  happening. It can also throw you into the trunk and leave you completely in the dark about what's going on. Loki, typically, puts me in the back seat as he is doing things and holding a conversation with me at the same time. The times where I end up in the trunk, it's always with a bit of warning before hand (unlike some deities) and he usually makes smart comments before it happens about my kinks. It's a weird experience to have him hitting the kink buttons before he takes over to talk to someone. When I come out of the trance, I'm frustrated but not at the same time and he's smug.

It's an experience and a half to channel Loki. Especially when it is his World-Breaker aspect because there's something of a D/s thing between him and I. Of all the deities that I have channeled, Loki is on the short list of the ones I trust completely because he's always taken care of me. There've been times where the handling was a bit rough, but in the end it always works out for the best. (Even that lesson where I fell down a flight of stairs and a snow shovel caught me. He resorted to drastic measures because I was being particularly hard headed. When I start heading down the path of being that hard headed, he reminds me about that little trip.)

July for Loki: Post No. 9

 I don't know what to write because I've been so busy trying to organize the chaotic mess that is my home. Loki just chuckles at my efforts because the boys manage to undo them right behind me. Children are chaos engines. They don't tell you that. They say that they're cute and adorable. They say that they're bright and full of potential. They don't tell you if you give your 11 year old the slightest information about how mechanics work (talking about physics stuff), they will immediately build a catapult with out having seen one in operation before. They don't tell you if you give your 13 year old any information about relationships that it rapidly leads to awkward questions about sex. (Loki finds it hilarious that both Beloved and I are unsure how to explain it to the kid who wrote a 'romance' story in school that made his teacher blush. The son in question has refused to show me the story he wrote, insisting he needs to revise it and make it better. We're kind of dreading what better means.)

As Beloved and I stumble our way through parenting, Loki has been amused, given suggestions, and outright laughed at the situation as we're trying desperately to keep our cool and not do the same. Apparently we're hilarious as a family. Like the day we caught the boys trying to impress each other with the best insults they could think of. Vulgarities were flying and then they both went "OH SHIT! IT'S MOM AND DAD!" Beloved and I damn near died with the effort it took not to start cracking up. Flame-Hair was in hysterics. Stuff like this happens just about every day. I was not warned about this aspect of raising children. It is SO hard not to laugh when they're at their antics. And if you crack and start smiling or laugh, they'll keep hammering on the ridiculousness button until it breaks. (I swear they get that from their father, who's been attempting to assassinate me via jokes timed while I have been eating for over thirty years. Again, Loki finds it hilarious. Especially the time that whiskey shot out my nose. Whenever I start coming down with a cold, Loki suggests a nasal rinse with cheap whiskey as he giggles.)

But, yeah, kids = chaos engines. And that's why Loki love kids so much. They naturally just get along.

July for Loki: Post no 7

 Loki is a stickler for authenticity. He wants me to be who I am regardless of who it pisses off. I think this is why he's so proud of the work I did on the Clear Recital and the team's efforts. He keeps telling me not to be upset and anxious about the Aristasian/Shining Daughter of Harmony's kerfluffle over it. They're coming out of the wood work to complain and it's upsetting. I've written a rebuttal to the post decrying the edition that we put out and I've been doing my best to put that out of mind (and not read the comments). But my social phobia is acting up and makes me want to clamp down on all kinds of expression.

Loki has been firmly admonishing me for that. He says that the point of my growth process through the pandemic period is having enough breathing room for me to throw off the shackles of the past. The irony of discovering that wearing my bdsm collar helps me stay grounded in the present (very important for both my anxiety disorder and my ptsd), boosts my mood (very helpful with my bipolar disorder and seasonal depression), and reminds me/makes me feel loved by Beloved when he's not here to cuddle me when I'm upset ... well, the reason why that is ironic is because my parents (whom I am estranged from) flipped out in a bad way over a joke keychain that involved a teddy bear in bondage gear. They threatened to disown me if I was 'into that shit,' among other things. Now that I am just about 20 years out from under their thumb, I am finally wearing clothes that makes me feel good and that collar fits right into the look and makes me happy.

I'm still trying to figure out what's ok for what Beloved calls the NPCs. I had a ribbon choker that I made but I started reacting to the metal finding that served as a clasp after I wore the fake patina off of it. I'm reacting to the bdsm collar's metal work because it's not stainless steel. Beloved's ordered me a new collar. I'm both excited and nervous about wearing it. Loki is very firmly stating when I get like this, "Wearing it is healthy for you, so you're going to wear it." This is the same side of Loki who admonishes me to take my anxiety medications. He says that there's a solution to the problem of something collar like that will not upset the more vanilla family members that we're involved with. The kids are all 'whatever, Mom's just being weird again.'  Loki hasn't said what the solution to that problem is, but he seems to have an idea that he'll reveal at the 'right' time.

July for Loki: Post no 6

 Dear Reader,

I know I'm behind by 3 posts. I may cheat and post up some memes that remind me of Loki. It's been a very busy week so far with the kids going to summer school and my having two days worth of errands to run. Loki has been insistent that I don't skip my time doing tarot reading in the afternoons. As he put it, "You need to talk to real adults too." My social phobia has been acting up again. I was just about ready to walk out of the store with out getting anything when Loki said, "You really need to get more black shirts for your wardrobe, this way laundry day doesn't break your aesthetic. And maybe you should look for some jewelry." I thought about arguing with him when he continued to say, "You don't want to have wasted the gas to drive here just to turn around and not get what you need, do you?"

Practical Loki is practical when he feels like it. It's maddening when he does that. Happy Fun Ball Loki is silly and full of jokes. When he's being practical and shit, I know that he's serious about something. In this case, it is getting me used to the idea of being the person who goes out into public to do stuff. The pandemic and the isolation of it all did not do good things for my brain. It was Loki pushing me to go out and mail the package for my niece while the weather wasn't awful that got me moving. And the next thing I know, I'm at the store buying clothes and being semi-social with random strangers. It was a bizarre and uncomfortable experience to be one of the very few people still masking right now. Again, Loki assured me that everything was going to be fine and that I was definitely making the right decision to wear the mask.

Yesterday was exhausting from the shopping trip to keeping up with a couple of kids who were wired most of the afternoon (which lead to some  personality collisions). Loki assures me that once they're settled into the routine of summer school things are going to get easier. He's also insisting that the projects that I am worried are going to be a disaster are going to go just fine and the kids will have some awesome memories to come out of them. I hope so. I feel like we're on the verge of a shut down again. I don't know if I can handle the business of homeschooling for a few weeks while the school gets everything sorted out to do distance learning for the whole district again if that happens.

On that matter, Loki doesn't tell me that I'm over reacting. He says that it's wise to be cautious. When Mr. I Don't Fear Anything but Thor When He's Pissed Off says that, I get a little more nervous. So, my family are practicing the Covid-19 safety protocols with the encouragement and blessing of the gods, including Loki. Who regularly reminds me when I go to leave the house to bring a mask. It's the little things that show you they care.

July for Loki: Post No 5

 I finally have some inspiration for the devotional I'm writing. Forget the process of converting the Christian prayers to something for Loki. Just write something entirely different that fits the need. Once that struck me, I started having my brain meats churning towards actual ideas on how to proceed forward with this manuscript that I'm working on during Camp NaNoWriMo (happening this month). I am going to do it the hard way, drafting concepts out on paper before typing them up. But, that makes it easier to rearrange and rework material for me as I am in the flow of working on a project. As I get some of these prayers done, I'll post some up here for you to get a preview. I can finally get that 'Catholic' rosary done for Loki. I've been struggling with this since he asked a while back. If I'm lucky, I'll manage it over the course of a few days like I did the Filianic conversion of the Catholic rosary.

July for Loki: Post No 4 - Wait, wut?

 As Beloved and I were trying to come up with a good way to describe how Loki fits into the Norse pantheon, Flame-Hair volunteered "I'm the Swiss army knife of gods." Beloved lost it his shit laughing because he was about to say something similar to that. I face palmed and Loki was smug as hell. 

A few minutes later, Beloved and I are in the kitchen talking and he accidentally says Loki's name (which Beloved avoids doing as to avoid getting more of Flame-hair's attention than he already does) and our eldest child pops up going "Did you call me?" He was highly offended when we began laughing in hysterics. No, my eldest son is not named Loki, his name is entirely different. (We named him for Beloved's maternal grandfather who was a major positive influence on Beloved while the man was alive.) My eldest is a bit of a chaos engine right now because of puberty, which only made him popping up after Loki's name got mentioned funnier. Beloved explained to our son that we weren't laughing at him but the circumstances. The lad said, "That's not funny." Hubby and I lost it again and our son marched off to his room muttering about his crazy parents.

We're pretty sure that Loki got as much of a laugh out of that whole exchange as we did.

July for Loki post no 3

 Me: Why a Catholic rosary?

Loki:

Me: *headdesk*

Where did the last two weeks go?

 Waning Gibbous Strawberry Moon (Age: 16 days)
Sign: Capricorn
Drought Status: Abnormally Dry
Weather: Cloudy, projected high of 88 deg. F.
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I have been desperately trying to get back to that organized schedule that I had in January. I've been failing in a big way. Loki just chuckles at my frustration. That, however, is how things go between him and I. I get so frustrated I just about start spluttering and he starts chuckling and telling me how adorable I am when I'm angry/frustrated. It drives me batty, but it seems to be a theme. Beloved does the exact same thing. They all but pat me on the head and call me cute. I know it's all affectionate but it still is exasperating. Which, of course, makes me 'even more adorable.' 

I feel like part of the problem is I somehow have lost 2 inches of height in the last few years. My doctor assures me this is perfectly normal for most women. It makes reaching the top shelf of the cupboard for things difficult. And where do things get put that I need to get down on a weekly basis, on the top shelf because Beloved forgets that I'm no longer 5ft 8in. He is used to my being able to get things down because they're at a point where I could have with out much of a problem before I lost that bit of height. I've asked my doctor why it happens and they just shrug. I'm hoping that I am not going to wind up stooped and barely able to stand at 5 ft like my paternal grandmother. Freyr and Loki both assure me that isn't going to happen as long as I work on keeping my posture good and strengthening my back.

It leads me to suspect that my back's weakness that came about as a result of a couple of injuries in the last few years is the reason why I've lost 2 inches of height. I keep putting off doing yoga and my back exercises because you can barely see the floor in the living room. I may just have to use a shovel and garbage back to clean up all the toys and crap on the floor so that I have room to spread out that yoga mat and do my exercises. Freyr really wants me to get back into an exercise routine. He's of the mind it will help me do a better job of managing my diabetes and my stress. He's not wrong, I'm just having a hard time finding the time to do it.

Both Loki and Freyr are strongly encouraging me to do things that make me feel comfortable in my own skin and happy. They've declared that I have spent too much time confining myself into a socially acceptable bland box and it's not good for me. Again, they're not wrong. As a result, I've made some major changes to my wardrobe. I am not completely eliminating color from it, but I am going goth in my styles. I feel more like myself from when I was in my 20s doing so. Freyr has commented that I walk taller and move with more confidence when I do it. I have also begun wearing the BDSM collar that Beloved got me ... well, we've been playing around with this stuff for 20+ years. After about a week of wearing it more frequently than I ever had before, I discovered that I was reacting to the metal used for the hardware. We're pretty sure it's nickel plated and that's why I am having issues. So, Beloved ordered me a custom collar that should arrive sometime next month with stainless steel hardware and a nickel free buckle. In the meantime, I'm doing as Loki suggested. I put on a ribbon beneath the collar so that the metal doesn't touch my skin. The ribbon is about one and 3/4ths of an inch wide. That's the same width of the custom collar. It's a little wider than what I wear now, but it is going to be awesome. Beloved showed me what he designed and it's just really simple but really pretty.

To placate the normals, I've been wearing a wide ribbon choker that is reinforced with nylon webbing to keep the ribbon from rolling up and backed with soft cotton. I keep leaning away from that choker because the collar boosts my confidence, my happy feelings, and strengthens the sense that no matter what happens Beloved is going to be with me. It's a huge comfort item. As someone with an anxiety disorder, comfort items are really helpful. Previously, I hid the BDSM side of my life because I was afraid of being judged for it. But, Loki made a really good point back when I took the leap to go goth in my clothing styles: at 42, I have the right to wear whatever the hell makes me feel good. And collars are kinda in style right now (and have been with the punk element of the goth community), so if anyone gives me a funny look I can respond with one word: Fashion. Then I get to sashay away and do what makes me happy.

Freyr had an interesting point to make about the BDSM side of my life. No one is getting hurt. Practically all of the elements of it have improved my health and happiness. And if vanilla people get to wear items that advertise some of their sexuality (i.e. pants with the word 'juicy' printed across the ass), so do I. And he pointed out, I'll probably manage it with my own quirky yet elegant sense of style. It's not as if I'm out and about in a bondage harness and nothing else. (Not that we own one, but that's beside the point.) And Freyr said that the instant shot of confidence that I get from wearing the collar is going to be one of the things that is going to keep the busy-bodies off my back. He also reminded me: those who matter won't care as long as you're happy, those who get in a snit over it don't matter.

Mental health disability equates to life problems.

 I'm too low on spoons to look up the moon phase/age/sign. The weather is stupidly hot and humid for our region. We're not in drought status at the moment, though folks who are west of us and in the north country are. I've been just trying to catch up on everything that fell through the cracks over the last few months and it's not going so well.

I was deeply worried that I had pissed off Freyr because things had gotten so quiet. It then came to the fore that there was interference in the connection because of my severe depression and anxiety. (This happened a while back between Loki and I, lasted about a year before it cleared up.) I got my medications adjusted and the change was like night and day. I was suddenly sleeping through the night (which was my initial problem, or so I thought), the deep depression cleared up, and the choking anxiety eased. I also found the passive self harm ideation that I had lived with all my life was gone. Not even a whisper of a thought on that front since the med change. I thought that everyone was like that, clearly I was wrong. There is a better life possible and I am now living it.

It is, however, a very busy one and exhausting. My preteen/teen boys have a ton of school stuff going on that I've been trying to stay on top of but not doing so great because of poor communication with some individuals and my forgetting to update my planner. Loki, in his mischievousness, likes to remind me to work on it while I'm in the middle of something else. He's helping, sorta. I just forget or run out of energy before I get to it.

I've been struggling with writing because my brain is acting funny again. There's some kind of trauma memory getting ready to surface. Both Loki and Freyr are insisting that I need to stop fighting it and lean into it. But I'm tired of trauma work. They, however, are getting progressively more demanding that I do this because it will be good for me. At one point, Loki said that I was acting like a kid who didn't want to eat their vegetables. I retorted that I was the kid who loved vegetables. He answered "You love writing, so why aren't you doing it?" I didn't have a smart answer for that one.

When I have the flashes of connection with Freyr, and he's not insisting that I have to do *something* for trauma work, he's been reassuring me that my efforts to be more authentic in my self presentation and expression is a very good thing. Just a few weeks ago, I decided that I could finally embrace my love of goth style. And that I could embrace more expression of my sexuality. Two points that Freyr has been trying to get me to just stop restraining myself on for the last year. He said to me "At 42, you have earned the right to wear whatever you want and if that means goth clothes and a bdsm collar, so be it. What you wear and how you wear it is an expression of yourself, you're allowed to express yourself."

Beloved has been enthusiastic about supporting and encouraging me in this. (The kink thing between him and I has been a thing almost as long as we've been in a relationship. And that's 20+ years.) I've been happier and more secure in myself over the last few weeks than I have been in a long time. I just am struggling with the writing because I hate trauma work. It's my ptsd and bipolar that are the reason why I am disabled. They have taken away my career in education and my ability to tolerate a full day's work. I'm not sure how many functional hours I have in a day, because it fluctuates. 

I'm trying to get everything sorted out, but there's a lot going on and a lot of moving parts. Loki throws a wrench into things when I am getting myself worked up and distracts me from that. Freyr calms me down when I get panicky over things. It's been a team effort to get life back on to an even keel. Beloved is always at my side, helping as best he can. I couldn't do this with out them.

Sunrise

Waxing Sap Moon (Age 1 day)
Sign: Aries
Weather: Cloudy, seasonable temps.
Snow Pack: N/A
Drought Status: N/A
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It's daylight savings time. Yay! (If only there was a sarcasm font.) I've had my breakfast, drunk my first cup of coffee, and then took a short nap to recover my proverbial spoons from waking up at 0630. Now it is an hour later, I'm on my second cup of coffee and feeling a bit less bleary eyed. Freyr was with me as I woke. It's still his season for a few more days. Even though he is busy preparing for Spring, he found some time to just snuggle with me. I think that half hour of sleep was the deepest sleep I have had in about a month, or at least the most restful.

In my dreams, he walked with me through a garden where many things were beginning to sprout and show signs of life. We just held hands and walked along muddy paths. Shortly before my alarm went off, he said to me, "The world is waking up. Don't despair. Things are going to get better. I know you don't feel well, but I promise you, it will pass." Then he gave me a big hug. I woke up with that warm sense of an embrace around me. It made me reluctant to get out of bed. 

I've been struggling with depression for the last month or so in a more intense fashion than usual. It's made everything harder. All of that hard work to clean up the apartment in preparation for Eastre has gone to pot. As a result, I have a bunch of cleaning to do this week that I had planned to spend in contemplation and meditation upon the sacrifice of the Daughter. I tell myself that things will get better but it feels like I'm lying to myself. Depression is a hell of a drug.

I get like this and I feel guilty for not doing more. So I start pushing myself pretty hard to do things. I run low on spoons and get a lot less than what I was trying to do done. At which point the guilt ratchets up several notches and the cycle resumes. Until I crash for a few days and I feel miserable. I have had Loki giving me glares and warning me not to push myself too hard. I am doing my best to listen to him and to the limits of my body/brain. It's been exhausting and it hurts. I want my life from before the bipolar happened back. Yeah, I was still struggling with CPTSD, but I was more functional most of the time. I feel like I'm all those horrible things my parents said about me when ever I wasn't performing to their expectations (a waste of flesh, an oxygen thief, etc.). I know it is my trauma speaking and its getting triggered by the depression, but it still fucking hurts.

I hope that Eastre will find me doing better. I'm not expecting it to happen, though, because brain chemistry doesn't automatically improve because it's an important date on the calendar. Still, it is nice to have some peace and quiet. It is nice to drink some coffee and watch the sun come up.