Godspousery Notes: Being Flooded With Ideas ...

Dear Reader,

When I am struggling with just my short 4 line prayers in Tumblr, being flooded with ideas for things to write is almost painful. Loki has been throwing ideas at me for Filianic texts. Freyr has been throwing at me ideas for book series that I have been working on. And then there's the ideas that pop up in the middle of the night as questions that I wrestle with for a spell before falling back to sleep.

It's maddening to have all these ideas weighing on my mind even as I am struggling to write anything. I know that I have two of my biggest cheerleaders in these two. They're super proud of anything I accomplish because they just know how hard it is. I just wish I wasn't so tired or dealing with fall out from my disabilities all the time. That's what really gets in my way.

But both Loki and Freyr are insisting I can do this despite my troubles. I just need more faith in myself. That's kinda the opposite of what I've been feeling because of my brain issues. But they assure me that it will get better.

Godspousery Notes: Story time with Loki

 One night, during my recent bout of hypomania, Loki decided to tell me a story to help me sleep. He started it off by saying, "I am the Lie-Smith, therefore this is Schrodinger's tale. No one knows if it is true or not." I drolly answered with "Isn't that true with half of your stories?" His rejoinder: If that were the case only a quarter of what I tell you would be truth until it was all lies. I muttered something about turtles but he told me to stop talking and go to sleep.

So, I shut up and stared at the ceiling for a few minutes. Then Loki told me this story.

'Once, in Midgard, no light was seen but that of Sòl. There were the stars and Máni at night, but it was not half so bright as day. And so it remains. (At this point I interrupted him with 'Wow, that's a short story.' I was told to shut up and go to sleep.) The days were warm but the nights were bitterly cold. My grandchild, He who Mocks, ran mightily until he overtook Sòl for a time. 

The Day-Star's Mistress was quite worried. He who Mocks, however, spoke to her.

"Have you no regard for the poor creatures of the nine worlds who shiver bitterly when you put your horses abed?"

She looked briefly from her course to Midgard and saw places where ice remained despite her cargo's brilliant light and warmth. In them, she saw man struggling to keep warm. She thought of her own child and pitied them, for were they not some mother's child as well?

"There's nothing I can do, wolf," Sòl said, "I must drive this chariot through the skies of the nine worlds lest there be eternal darkness."

He who Mocks was not pleased with this answer. "Such a fine mother you are to keep your own child warm at your breast as you ride high. Yet a poor daughter for you have forgotten your father in chill Midgard and abandoned him and your mother to it."

Sòl grew irate with this comment and said bitterly, "Wolf, you know I have no choice in this. I bear a spark of Muspelheim in this wain. If it were to fall to Midgard, all would turn to ash as surely as if Surtur came in his wrath." He who Mocks regarded Sòl and then ran off. As light again grew bright upon the nine worlds, He who Mocks stopped chasing his quarry for a time.

He who Mocks ran along the secret ways of the World Tree to Muspelheim. At the gate he met Sinmara, Muspelheim's great queen. She frowned at my grandson. "You have abandoned your solemn duty, wolf. Now the girl of Midgard who guides the Day-Star will become lazy and wander."

"I shall resume chase in a little while, Lady, but I ask for a spark of your fire, a tiny one. That I might baffle Sòl in the chase." Sinmara thought a while. She was wise, as her husband Mimir, perhaps a little bit more for she still had her head upon her shoulders and was consort to a mighty ruler.

"Wolf, I will not give you this spark you ask for because it will cause mischief in the heavens. I will, however, give it to the one you send to me for a price. The fire of Muspelheim is beyond value and I will not see it diminished one bit for a simple folly."

He who Mocks nodded in agreement and ran away. On his way to catch up with Sòl, he passed by me. "Grandfather! Oh, Grandfather!" he cried, "Go to Sinmara and catch a spark of their fire to spread in cold Midgard." So, I took my bow and quiver of arrows, with one that I carved as I spoke with my daughter's servant one afternoon. I set off along the hidden ways, ready for danger. For it was my want to travel with Lævateinn, to keep the eagle's bane safe with me.

By and by, I reached the gate of Muspelheim and Sinmara sat waiting. She plucked Lævateinn from the quiver with her keen eye. "This is a fitting price to bring a torch to those wanting light and heat from Muspelheim. I will keep it until its time of using comes." Sinmara gave me a brand that she had been holding and I ran aloft.

The children of Midgard watched as the torch gleamed against the sky that night. The days grew warmer and through the disguise of a herdsman with his goats, I wandered through Midgard bringing fire to each family. Finally, I came to Mundilfari's home. The sad eyed father looked up at the sky where his beautiful son drove his wagon. I said to Mundilfari as I gave him the brand to light his hearth, "Where shall I set this light since I have gone all over Midgard to every hearth and forge?"

Mundilfari was a wise man. He pointed to the track I had run across the sky. "Set it there that it might be a light to remind us of warmth and the kindness you showed us." So I placed the torch where that star named Sirius burns. And there it remains until the end of days.' 

Godspousery Notes: 4 / 3 of 2022

I am currently depressed. Seasonal affective disorder is stupid and I hate it. I pulled a rune card out of my deck to use for this week's Rune Study post on my other blog and this is the one that popped up. My feelings were a bit bitter at first. Joy when you're depressed is kinda fleeting if not impossible some days. Still, this is the rune that popped up randomly.

I have been trying to find the humor in the absurd, which Loki always reminds me is happening everywhere if you look hard enough. Again, a bit of a bitter laugh but I'm fairly sure that Scar-Lip has been stealing my sleep masks. I've now gone through five and they are nowhere to be found. I go to bed with one on and wake up in the middle of the night to have it missing off my face. If Loki's slick enough to steal Freyja's necklace while she's sleeping, I know this would be like taking candy from a small child. It's as absurd as it is irritating.

Frey's been quiet this week. I'm not surprised given how bitterly cold it has been here. It makes it harder to make a connection with him off season.

Godspousery Notes: 3 / 2 of 2022

 Story time. Way back about two years before the pandemic hit, Freyr asked me to sacrifice my long hair to him. Now, at the time, my hair came down to my hips and was a lot darker. I attempted not too long before this request to dye my hair royal blue and nothing happened, it was a waste of time and money. The only place it showed up was in the witch's streak of white that I have over my left eyebrow and then it didn't show up that well. (I've had this streak of white hair since I was a kid. Got picked on about it. I literally laughed when I found out that they were called witch's streaks many years later.) I agreed, figuring it was hair. It'll grow back and it's not a big deal.

Cue two years where I couldn't stand the feeling of hair longer than my chin. Cue two years where I struggled to find a look that suited me. Last September, I found the perfect look. Then Freyr was asking me to wait a little bit on getting it cut. My hair barely came down to my shoulders and was frustrating me. I couldn't really do anything with it. It got in my eyes all the time but didn't work well with the different styles I had for scarves and veiling. And, the greatest insult, it was thinning and coming out because it was too long for the roots to do a good job of holding on to it. So, the last weekend of September, I got my hair cut.

In the top picture is what my hair looked like before I got the big cut. Freyr was worried that I was going to be distraught about losing my long locks. I was of a mind that this didn't count as long. After all, when I first had cut my hair for him, it came down to my hips. He really didn't want me to make a decision that I was going to regret. His anxiety over it all was sweet. 

I was frustrated with my hair and ready for a change. I was unhappy that I was having hair falling out. I didn't like the way it looked and the fact that I couldn't do anything with it but throw a kertchief on and hope it didn't get too annoying. It was barely long enough to put into a ponytail again. The change to my hair style was a matter of quality of life for me. It was a matter of doing my best to live authentically. I wasn't sure how it was going to change my veiling practices but I knew that I had to do something different. Loki was wildly excited about the new look I wanted and insisted it was perfect for me.

This lower picture is what I got done a few weeks later. For the first time in a long time, I was really ecstatic with my hair. Sure, the grey showed up a lot more. My head was chilly when the wind blew, but I felt like myself more than I had in a long time. I had absolutely no idea how I was going to manage veiling when I went out into public. I aside from the assortment of scarves, I have a good number of hats. Suddenly, my options were larger because I didn't have to worry about hair peeking out from beneath the hat if I decided to wear one out as my head covering.

I was also delighted because it further obscured my recognizability from people who had previously been in my life that I had cut out for sanity reasons. Between the faux hawk, the goth look, and a mask, they could be standing right beside me and not recognize me at all so long as I kept silent. The last time those people saw me, I didn't even have glasses. All good things in my opinion.

Today, I finally figured out how to make a blue and gold pashmina that I love work as a headscarf. It did wonders for keeping my head warm during this cold day. I was happy with it. I am struggling with depression but I'm working at getting better with self-care and being persistent in my effort to be authentic. Freyr came around on the hair style when he realized how happy I have remained with it. He was pleased when I managed to do this wrap, because it meant that I had figured out a way to veil with out getting frustrated with my hair.

I'm still getting used to my new bifocals. But, that's a story for another day. Loki is still insisting that I look 'kick ass' with the faux hawk. He's been trying to talk me into letting it grow out and become a real mohawk. He thinks that it would be awesome on me. I'm not quite convinced. But the fact that Beloved, Freyr, and Loki all agree that happiness looks good on me and (even with my current depressive episode) the joy that I have in this hair style is exactly what I needed.

Godspousery Notes No. 1: Support in times of Anxiety.

 Yesterday, I did the grocery shopping for the first time in the last year and a half. I did it because Beloved was completely exhausted from running errands at o' dark thirty for some relatives. So, I took the shopping list and headed out. I was nervous about it because it is the weekend of Black Friday and I'm a social phobe. I was also nervous about driving because of the fact that my astigmatism makes headlights look like starbursts and sometimes make me temporarily blind when I'm driving at night. With sundown being around 4pm now, I had a tight time table and multiple stores to hit.

I'm pretty sure that the random acts of kindness that I ran into as my nerves were beginning to ramp up weren't quite as random as they seemed. When you're involved with a chaotic deity, randomness becomes suspicious when it follows a pattern. In this case the pattern was a combination of people complimenting me on my hat and just moving out of the way right as I was approaching from behind. They didn't see me coming, I didn't have the cart with a squeaky wheel, and there was no indication that anyone around them noticed me. I did warn them as I passed behind them that I was there, because they were so focused on their shopping that I didn't want to startle them. Most of them didn't respond. It was a little eerie because most people respond when I do that with either "Oh! I didn't see you there!" or "Ok, thank you."

I was able to find just about every major item we needed at the discount grocery store. It was a good thing because when I saw what the prices were at the regular grocery store, my jaw just about hit the floor. I had an abstract knowledge that the price of things  had been going up but actually looking at it was an entirely different experience. I was power-walking through the grocery stores because I was uncomfortable. When I was forced to slow down, I encountered people who randomly offered me compliments on my hat or my mask with the roses all over it. I made a point of being as polite and pleasant as I could be despite the urge to just move on as quick as I could to get away from strangers.

It was an uncomfortable experience to be out grocery shopping. I could feel Loki with me, just walking along. He pointed out that the store had a set of black cable knit sweaters. I almost stopped and bought one but I had milk in the back of the car that needed to get home and into the fridge. Today, he's been encouraging me to call the salon and set up a hair appointment for next weekend and insisting I really should go pick up one of those sweaters before they're out of stock. At this time of day, that'd mean part of my drive home would be at dusk. I guess I could do it because it wouldn't be full dark and my vision wouldn't be completely screwed by someone having their high beams on. But I'm real leery of the concept.

It going to be hard in a few weeks when I have to take the car for some appointments and possibly be driving at night to get Beloved from work. I have a problem. My night vision has been steadily getting worse over the last few years. And my astigmatism is enough to fuck that up badly too. Unlike some idiots that I'm related to, I'm not going to get a pair of sunglasses to wear when I drive at night. Because I know the problem isn't the brightness of what I'm looking at as much as there's something physically not right in my eye. Sunglasses isn't going to fix that and it will make it an order of magnitude harder to watch for wild life running out into the road.

After I had gotten all of the shopping done and was home, Loki said he was proud of me for going out on my own for a longer time than I had in just about a year. I think that Loki kept nudging nice people into my path to give me encouragement to keep going. He does things like that.

Godspousery Notes: I've lost count, time to reset the counter. :)

 Where do I begin? I have been struggling with mental health stuff for about half a year now. I've been struggling with sleep for about the same length of time. Now my seasonal depression is kicking me in the teeth and we've got all the wonderful stress of the holidays going on. On top of that, I came to the sad conclusion that my night vision is bad enough that I simply can not drive when the sun is down. This severely restricts my options in going out to do stuff.

On one hand, I kinda knew this was coming down the line because my night vision has been degrading for a while. On the other hand, I'm really upset because I feel like the world has gotten smaller and I am yet more trapped in my own home by circumstance. Loki and Freyr have done their best to comfort me and assure me that this is not an awful thing. It's really hard though, because I've developed a fear of going blind after the experience about 3 years ago when my blood sugar was high enough that it screwed with my vision and everything was blurry.

Beloved assures me that since I've got my blood sugar and other matters under control, I shouldn't fear going blind anytime soon. He suggested that laser surgery could possibly fix my astigmatisms (I've got 2 in one eye and 1 in the other.) and maybe even help me regain some of my night vision. I am just really sad about this and how much these vision issues have negatively impacted my life. I love astronomy but with my night vision problems, it's harder to see the stars (never mind the light pollution makes my eyes have problems too). It just about makes me want to cry.

The vision thing is the latest in a series of running problems. Over the course of one week, I developed an allergy to latex, shellfish, and Aleve. So, I can't use dishwashing gloves now. I can't eat my favorite soup any more (clam chowder). And I can only take Tylenol (or its generic counterpart) for my intermittent migraines. Let me tell you, Tylenol is about as useful during a migraine as spitting into the ocean. It's next to useless with my arthritis, but I try anyways. That week I got angry with Loki who held up his hands and said, "Hey, this isn't mischief. This is your body hating you, again." So, I got weepy and upset over the fact that my meat suit is malfunctioning, again. He tried to cheer me up with jokes and stuff, he really did try. It's just hard to accept that my body has a laundry list of issues that just are getting worse as I get older, it seems.

I've got someone I care about in a bad situation that I can't do a damn thing to help. I can pray, but that's about it. The awful part of it is the fact that I have been running into flashbacks to past trauma because of a number of things. This started about half a year ago and just hasn't stopped. My psychologist has been wonderful about doing his best to help me. When Loki, Freyr, or Beloved notice that my brain weasels are getting out of control, they remind me that I have another dose of anxiety medication to shut them up. The flashbacks to past trauma have ranged from emotional ones to completely reliving the experience. (Fortunately, the last one only happened once so far.)

Freyr has been leaning on me to do more self-care. Loki's been throwing things that help that process into my path (like the random discovery of a lotion that is specifically for diabetic skin that is sensitive and I don't react to it at all). I've been struggling with it. Last night after my shower, as I was applying lotion to pretty much everything, I felt like a greased sausage. It was humiliating. My super dry skin was very itchy. The places where I had cracked skin was sore and the places where there's skin buildup was extremely uncomfortable. I mentioned how I felt about all this to Beloved. He gently chided me that I wasn't a greased sausage but a woman with a skin condition.

As I was in the process of trying to get some rest, I got a stern talking to from Loki about my 'exceedingly uncharitable and inappropriate' comment about myself. I was firmly reminded that negative self-talk like that is not acceptable and I had to knock it off. Communication with Loki and Freyr has been alternating between stuff like 'hey, are you ok? you can talk to me," affectionate stuff, and stern reminders that negative self-talk and neglecting my welfare is unacceptable. When I was really upset about how somethings weren't going quite right in my relationship with Beloved, the two of them told me that I was going to talk to him about it or there was going to be a consequence.

The last time I ignored them on something important like that, I found myself in a position where the issue was right in my face the whole time until it got fully addressed. So, I talked to Beloved. Had a meltdown over the fact that I have emotional needs at all. And got reminded that I was raised in a household where basic needs like eating were treated as reward/luxury items for me rather than necessities and punishments for having needs happened on a regular basis. It was a hard day.

I'm just trying to keep my head glued together. Loki's been attempting to cheer me up and get me to shrug off some of the depressive symptoms. It sort of works for a little while and then it doesn't. Freyr's been really big on how I need to take better care of myself and kinda using the carrot and a stick approach when I dig my heels in about refusing to do so.

Somehow in all of this, I wrote a devotional for Loki. It's up on Amazon as an e-book and a paperback. The paperback has more stuff to it. 

30 days for Freyr - Roadblocks.

 I've been desperately trying to keep up on my writing but failing left, right, and center. I've been having some problems over the last several weeks. Three weeks ago, I put my back out and I was out of commission for a week. About two months now, I have been having severe problems with insomnia. This is having a negative impact on my ability to focus to write or do much of anything. The apartment is kinda a mess again because I've had the attention span of a goldfish. Throw on top of this, for the last three weeks I have been having difficulties with my C-PTSD and experiencing a lot of intrusive thoughts and flashbacks at random with great frequency.

I'm working with my doctor to get these things resolved but I know that this is not a case of 'Take this pill and you'll be better in a week.' But, it is making things like devotional writing hard. If you follow me on Tumblr, I'm a bit irregular in my morning little prayers right now. I'm stressed out and dissociating on a fairly regular basis. My problems sleeping make me more prone to doing that. I'm not entirely sure why.

Last night was the first night in the last two months I got something that resembled a full night of sleep. I only woke up twice and that was to get a drink of water. All this stress has my blood sugar running kinda high in the morning and I've been stress eating stuff like cheese. I think the only reason why this post is not gibberish is because I got more than 4 hours of sleep last night. I'm also on my second pot of coffee. That magical potion that turns me from a zombie into a semi-functional person.

Freyr has been concerned. Loki's been concerned. Beloved is concerned. The only ones who are not concerned are my kids, who don't really know what's going on because I do my best to mask my symptoms around them because they find them distressing. Which is exhausting. I don't know what the solution to this problem is going to be. I just hope that all of this doesn't land me into an depressive or a manic episode. Either would be real bad right now.

But that's why I haven't been posting. Because my brain is shit right now. I don't even know why I can't sleep. I fall asleep ok but I keep waking up after a large chunk of my bedtime medication wears off. The other night, I woke up six times in a row, despite taking the melatonin as my doctor advised. I think the fact I slept last night is based on the fact that I was so tired I was literally stumbling over my own feet.

July for Loki post no, 18

A Litany for Loki (from my new book)

Hail Loki

Hail to the Friend of the Traveler

Hail to the Sky-Treader

Hail to the Cunning One

Hail to the Scar-Lipped Speaker of Unwelcome Truths

Hail to the mischievous Lie-Smith

Hail to the Tale Spinner

Hail to the Thunderer's Companion

Hail to the Dweller within Victory's embrace

Hail to the Net-Maker and the Salmon

Hail to the slayer of Otar of the waters

Hail to the thief and restorer of Sif's hair

Hail to the Father of Monsters

Hail to the Mother of witches and trolls

Hail to the Bound-God who walks free

Hail to the Lover of Angrboda

Hail to the Blood-Brother of Helblind

Hail to the Curious One

Hail to the Friend of Humanity

Hail to the Guardian of the Hearth-fire

Hail  to the famed son of Laufey

Hail to the Champion of the outcast

Hail to the Giver of Strange Gifts

Hail to the Wolf's Father

Hail to the Watchman's Bane

Here's the link if you want to buy a copy. It's a short read. https://www.amazon.com/dp/B099NX9HLL

July for Loki post no. 17

 I have been slowly feeling my mood drop as we move farther away from the summer solstice. I am pretty sure it's my seasonal affective disorder beginning to rear its head. This morning, as I was attempting to write in my journal, Loki said to me, "It's not too early to break out that special light and start using it." I've been resisting the urge to do so because I just feel like a fool sitting there with that 'happy light' running when the sun is in the process of rising. I was considering bickering with him about it when he reminded me, "If you can't make your own neurotransmitters, store bought it fine. If you can't get enough sunlight, a sun lamp is fine. Think about your plants and grow lights."

So, this argument in place, I have to figure out how I am going to fit in 30 min of time with the 'happy light' where it's the only major light source in the room at the correct angle. I don't know how I'm going to do this. My apartment is laid out terribly and the one room that would be ideal for that doesn't have enough outlets or a table for me to put the light on. Ugh. I hate being wrong but I hate even more not being able to implement the solution to the problem that I was in denial about. I'm sure that Loki will have some kind of idea, he's crafty like that.

But yea, SAD sucks.

July for Loki post no. 16

 So, Beloved and I get back from visiting his elderly parents. As I go to get out of the car I see that his travel mug of coffee from the day before is sitting in the cup holder. I pick it up. Instead of finding the usual handful of change sitting in the bottom of the cup holder underneath the mug, I find a calcified chicken nugget. 

Beloved's confused and then he starts howling with laughter. He says to me, "Hey, babe, I think your boss gave you a chicken mc-fuck-it." It had been an exasperating day. I was about to say something to the effect that I was out of fucks to give. Then this happened. I tossed the chicken nugget out into the wild so some feral cat could have it.

"Well, there goes my last fuck," I said. Beloved exploded with laughter. The boys, who were out of the car and on their way into the house at the time were very confused by all of this because they didn't hear the conversation.

Flame-Hair, supplier of fucks when you run out?

July for Loki post no. 15

 I keep having emotional flashbacks to trauma from when I was a kid over the last few days. Loki sat with me last night and told me, "Just because they feel real doesn't mean that they're happening now." I got very upset when he told me that. I asked him then if what I experience with him and Freyr are just simply manufactured by my broken brain. Loki reminded me of the time I was inpatient for a suicidal episode including psychotic features. After I had gotten a dose of Haldol to quiet the auditory hallucination of my mother screaming at me to kill myself, Loki said quiet calmly, "Can you hear me now?"

I just about wept with relief. I was terrified that my mystical experiences were all hallucinations after the first bout of psychotic experiences about ten years ago. Haldol is a serious business antipsychotic. It shuts down that part of your brain that is putting out the garbage information that's telling you something is there that isn't. It has a few odd things about it, like going from absolute panic to feeling like you're wrapped up in a warm, heavy blanket and your heart rate slowing down. But, I knew that with the Haldol I was going to get relief from the screaming. 

Then Loki spoke up. Suddenly, I understood that all of my mystical experiences were real. He was with me, even when the place turned into utter chaos later at dinner time. It wasn't like a full scale riot. But the moment the full moon cleared the horizon, chairs were getting thrown, people were shoving each other, and I was trapped in a corner cowering behind a table, praying that the violence was going to stay on the other side of the room. As I was there, Loki was with me telling me that I was going to be ok and I just had to focus on my breathing so I didn't hyperventilate. Eventually, the hospital staff got the dining room under control. I came out of my hiding spot, shaking but doing my best not to show fear. When they sent everyone back to their rooms early, I was relieved. I laid down in my bed and just faced the window and prayed that it wasn't going to happen again.

Loki sat at the foot of the bed and told me that everything was going to be ok. One may ask, where was Freyr in the midst of this. Well, he was standing between me and the brawl. Later, when I was in my room, he was standing at the doorway. And as I had been pacing, Loki was on my left side as Freyr was on my right, just quietly bearing witness to what I was doing and dealing with. I think the reason why Loki spoke up and was focused on calming me down is because I've known Loki longer and was more likely to listen to him.

But, yeah, that was a thing that happened.

July for Loki post no. 14

 I should have put this in the last post, but here's the book cover. It's out under the pen name I use for my religious oriented and spiritually oriented writing. Here's a link if you want to grab a copy: 

https://www.amazon.com/dp/B099NX9HLL

July for Loki post no 13

 Nothing like having life get in the way of blogging. Somedays, I feel like I should give up but those are particularly bad days. Mainly, I've been busy trying to get through stuff like my eldest son having an emergency dental appointment on Tuesday and family business on Wednesaday. The apartment is a disaster with laundry piled up everywhere and a stack of dishes waiting to be done. On the other hand, I finally finished the Lokean devotional I was working on and got it published.

Working on that project was an experience and a half. Loki put in a lot of input on how he wanted me to assemble the thing. He insisted that the Lokean rosary (he insisted it was a rosary, not prayer beads) be the first thing people encounter in the book. So that wound up at the beginning. I can't help the anxiety that this is going to rile a lot of people up and get me a bunch of hate. Loki, however, assures me that this is going to be fine and I have more to worry about the Aristasian's coming out of the woodwork to bitch about my work on the Clear Recital: Children of Déa Version. 

I checked on KDP to see if there'd been any book sales of any sort this week. Some eager beavers decided to pick up copies of the Lokean devotional and someone read it all the way through in one sitting. Now, it's not a long or a hefty book. Coming in at a mere 20 pages, you can get through this pretty quickly. I was just surprised that as soon as I posted the link to the sales page, there were to purchases. I figured it'd take a week or so for that to happen. I've only started the marketing process.

It is my hope that this devotional gives other Lokeans a jumping off point for building their own devotional practices. I honestly don't know why Loki wanted a Catholic style rosary but that got in there. Maybe to introduce people to the concept that the can repurpose prayer traditions from their former faith. All I know is that I just hope this helps devotees of Loki feel more secure and comfortable with their practices. Loki assures me that this book is going to help people, and that's all I want.

July for Loki: Post 12

 He laughs and it's music to my ears no matter what form he takes. Loki is just someone that I adore. He's been with me through horrific times and wonderful times. He basically threw me at the love of my life, going 'NOW KISS!!' when we were little more than kids. Loki's been the source of humor that carried me through some horrible shit when I was a kid. Loki's sense of humor is dark, sardonic, and hilarious. He is the one who cracks jokes at a funeral about the dead guy in the box that make people giggle despite themselves.

Sometimes, Loki speaks through me. The experience of channeling Loki is probably one of the most intimate things I've ever had. Channeling can put you in the position where you're in the passenger seat of your brain observing what's  happening. It can also throw you into the trunk and leave you completely in the dark about what's going on. Loki, typically, puts me in the back seat as he is doing things and holding a conversation with me at the same time. The times where I end up in the trunk, it's always with a bit of warning before hand (unlike some deities) and he usually makes smart comments before it happens about my kinks. It's a weird experience to have him hitting the kink buttons before he takes over to talk to someone. When I come out of the trance, I'm frustrated but not at the same time and he's smug.

It's an experience and a half to channel Loki. Especially when it is his World-Breaker aspect because there's something of a D/s thing between him and I. Of all the deities that I have channeled, Loki is on the short list of the ones I trust completely because he's always taken care of me. There've been times where the handling was a bit rough, but in the end it always works out for the best. (Even that lesson where I fell down a flight of stairs and a snow shovel caught me. He resorted to drastic measures because I was being particularly hard headed. When I start heading down the path of being that hard headed, he reminds me about that little trip.)

July for Loki: Post No. 11

 Posting this one a day early because tomorrow is going to be busy.

On a more serious note, Loki isn't the cause of all of the Aesir's problems. Some of it is the Aesir doing dumb shit. For example, the prophecy that Fenrir, Jorgmundr, and Hela were going to cause the destruction of the Aesir got put into motion when the Aesir took the children from Angrboda. If they just left them alone, I suspect that things would have gone differently. When Baldur gains a degree of immortality from Frigga running all about Midgard asking everything not to harm her son (except for the young mistletoe plant), he should have kept that under his hat. Frigga shouldn't have talked about it. But, she did and Loki puts that dart in Hodr's hand to ensure that Baldur goes to her Thing.

Loki's mischief is not malice (most of the time). He's acting as the hand of the Norns in many cases. In other situations, he's bringing the solution to a larger problem by way of creating smaller problems. (Remember, the wall about Asgard is not complete for a reason. And that made a place where they could put the fire to burn Thjazi.) I tire of people saying that Loki's evil. I tire of people saying that he is the Norse Satan. Most of all, I am exhausted with people saying that Loki is "just a myth".

That, however, will be a rant for another day.

July for Loki: Post No. 10

 Y'all have seen the Norse crisis flow chart? Allow me to present another flow chart that works as well.

July for Loki: Post No. 9

 I don't know what to write because I've been so busy trying to organize the chaotic mess that is my home. Loki just chuckles at my efforts because the boys manage to undo them right behind me. Children are chaos engines. They don't tell you that. They say that they're cute and adorable. They say that they're bright and full of potential. They don't tell you if you give your 11 year old the slightest information about how mechanics work (talking about physics stuff), they will immediately build a catapult with out having seen one in operation before. They don't tell you if you give your 13 year old any information about relationships that it rapidly leads to awkward questions about sex. (Loki finds it hilarious that both Beloved and I are unsure how to explain it to the kid who wrote a 'romance' story in school that made his teacher blush. The son in question has refused to show me the story he wrote, insisting he needs to revise it and make it better. We're kind of dreading what better means.)

As Beloved and I stumble our way through parenting, Loki has been amused, given suggestions, and outright laughed at the situation as we're trying desperately to keep our cool and not do the same. Apparently we're hilarious as a family. Like the day we caught the boys trying to impress each other with the best insults they could think of. Vulgarities were flying and then they both went "OH SHIT! IT'S MOM AND DAD!" Beloved and I damn near died with the effort it took not to start cracking up. Flame-Hair was in hysterics. Stuff like this happens just about every day. I was not warned about this aspect of raising children. It is SO hard not to laugh when they're at their antics. And if you crack and start smiling or laugh, they'll keep hammering on the ridiculousness button until it breaks. (I swear they get that from their father, who's been attempting to assassinate me via jokes timed while I have been eating for over thirty years. Again, Loki finds it hilarious. Especially the time that whiskey shot out my nose. Whenever I start coming down with a cold, Loki suggests a nasal rinse with cheap whiskey as he giggles.)

But, yeah, kids = chaos engines. And that's why Loki love kids so much. They naturally just get along.

July for Loki: Post no. 8

 An excerpt from the Lokean devotional that I'm working on this month.

A Lokean Creed

I believe in Loki. I believe in the early days of Midgard that Loki, with Odin and Hoenir, gave humanity their shape, nature, life essence, and all of the comely hues of humanity. I believe that Loki is mighty and benevolent. I believe that Loki is the Lie-Smith who speaks the unwelcome truth. I belive that Loki is the Bound-god who walks free. I believe that Loki is the Giver of Strange Gifts and the wondrous treasures of the Aesir. I believe that Loki is both mother and father to wondrous and mighty children. I believe that Loki is the Sky-Treader and the companion of the Traveler. I believe that Loki is the Tangler and the breaker of knots as the World-Breaker. I believe that Loki, as the World-Breaker, brings change and serves the Norns in his mischief unto the end of Ages and the time of the renewal of all things.

July for Loki: Post no 7

 Loki is a stickler for authenticity. He wants me to be who I am regardless of who it pisses off. I think this is why he's so proud of the work I did on the Clear Recital and the team's efforts. He keeps telling me not to be upset and anxious about the Aristasian/Shining Daughter of Harmony's kerfluffle over it. They're coming out of the wood work to complain and it's upsetting. I've written a rebuttal to the post decrying the edition that we put out and I've been doing my best to put that out of mind (and not read the comments). But my social phobia is acting up and makes me want to clamp down on all kinds of expression.

Loki has been firmly admonishing me for that. He says that the point of my growth process through the pandemic period is having enough breathing room for me to throw off the shackles of the past. The irony of discovering that wearing my bdsm collar helps me stay grounded in the present (very important for both my anxiety disorder and my ptsd), boosts my mood (very helpful with my bipolar disorder and seasonal depression), and reminds me/makes me feel loved by Beloved when he's not here to cuddle me when I'm upset ... well, the reason why that is ironic is because my parents (whom I am estranged from) flipped out in a bad way over a joke keychain that involved a teddy bear in bondage gear. They threatened to disown me if I was 'into that shit,' among other things. Now that I am just about 20 years out from under their thumb, I am finally wearing clothes that makes me feel good and that collar fits right into the look and makes me happy.

I'm still trying to figure out what's ok for what Beloved calls the NPCs. I had a ribbon choker that I made but I started reacting to the metal finding that served as a clasp after I wore the fake patina off of it. I'm reacting to the bdsm collar's metal work because it's not stainless steel. Beloved's ordered me a new collar. I'm both excited and nervous about wearing it. Loki is very firmly stating when I get like this, "Wearing it is healthy for you, so you're going to wear it." This is the same side of Loki who admonishes me to take my anxiety medications. He says that there's a solution to the problem of something collar like that will not upset the more vanilla family members that we're involved with. The kids are all 'whatever, Mom's just being weird again.'  Loki hasn't said what the solution to that problem is, but he seems to have an idea that he'll reveal at the 'right' time.

July for Loki: Post no 6

 Dear Reader,

I know I'm behind by 3 posts. I may cheat and post up some memes that remind me of Loki. It's been a very busy week so far with the kids going to summer school and my having two days worth of errands to run. Loki has been insistent that I don't skip my time doing tarot reading in the afternoons. As he put it, "You need to talk to real adults too." My social phobia has been acting up again. I was just about ready to walk out of the store with out getting anything when Loki said, "You really need to get more black shirts for your wardrobe, this way laundry day doesn't break your aesthetic. And maybe you should look for some jewelry." I thought about arguing with him when he continued to say, "You don't want to have wasted the gas to drive here just to turn around and not get what you need, do you?"

Practical Loki is practical when he feels like it. It's maddening when he does that. Happy Fun Ball Loki is silly and full of jokes. When he's being practical and shit, I know that he's serious about something. In this case, it is getting me used to the idea of being the person who goes out into public to do stuff. The pandemic and the isolation of it all did not do good things for my brain. It was Loki pushing me to go out and mail the package for my niece while the weather wasn't awful that got me moving. And the next thing I know, I'm at the store buying clothes and being semi-social with random strangers. It was a bizarre and uncomfortable experience to be one of the very few people still masking right now. Again, Loki assured me that everything was going to be fine and that I was definitely making the right decision to wear the mask.

Yesterday was exhausting from the shopping trip to keeping up with a couple of kids who were wired most of the afternoon (which lead to some  personality collisions). Loki assures me that once they're settled into the routine of summer school things are going to get easier. He's also insisting that the projects that I am worried are going to be a disaster are going to go just fine and the kids will have some awesome memories to come out of them. I hope so. I feel like we're on the verge of a shut down again. I don't know if I can handle the business of homeschooling for a few weeks while the school gets everything sorted out to do distance learning for the whole district again if that happens.

On that matter, Loki doesn't tell me that I'm over reacting. He says that it's wise to be cautious. When Mr. I Don't Fear Anything but Thor When He's Pissed Off says that, I get a little more nervous. So, my family are practicing the Covid-19 safety protocols with the encouragement and blessing of the gods, including Loki. Who regularly reminds me when I go to leave the house to bring a mask. It's the little things that show you they care.