11/23/15

Something I heard.

Waxing Hunter's Moon (Age: 11 Days)
Sign: Taurus
Weather: Cold, clear skies,
snow expected
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I was in the midst of letting my hair down when I heard Someone say:

Unbind your hair
Unbraid it
Unravel your tresses
Let them fall across my face
Let them fall upon my breast
I will go into that silken forest
And there I will hide
And hunt your very heart

I have suspicions as to who said that.

11/21/15

Astral sex has consequences.

Waxing Hunter's Moon (Age: 9 days)
Sign: Aries
Weather: cool, partly cloudy,
snow forecast for pm
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So, I had read about astral pregnancy. I thought it was confusing. I tried to make sense of it. Tried to comprehend it. I then gave up because it just was something I couldn't wrap my mind around. I mean, to some extent I could follow it but at the same time it was very bewildering. Cue approximately a year of not thinking about this aside from going 'Ok, that's cool that this is happening for you.' for a few people I know.

I suppose it was about the spring equinox when the astral sex thing happened more often between Freyr and I. It happened several times before then. It was really awesome but confusing. Still, it was something enjoyable and it brought him and I closer. 

Three months ago, I had a weird feeling. I felt like I was pregnant. I mean, the feelings were so intense, I got a pregnancy test. I was even late on my menses. The pregnancy test was negative. I concluded that something weird was happening with me but it wasn't anything negative with my health so I wasn't going to worry about it. Honestly, aside from the breast discomfort, it wasn't that bad. Just weird. One of the big differences from when I was pregnant with the boys and what I was feeling at that moment was the fact that I didn't feel like I had morning sickness, which was quite frankly awesome.

At the beginning of last month, I found myself cramping really hard. Cramping like I was in pre-labor. It hurt, it confused me, and I worried that maybe something really was wrong. After an afternoon of that, it went away. As this was happening, Loki said that he would help me feel better, so when it went away and I felt better, I figured he did his thing.  At the same time, the feeling of being pregnant went away. It made me suspicious that perhaps I had one of those confusing and kinda odd astral pregnancy things happen to me. Confused, I put that thought aside. I had my menses the next day and decided that they just were bad cramps because I was nearly a month and a half late.

Then, after the menses passed, the weird 'I'm pregnant' feeling came back again. This time, it lasted for a few weeks. The day before my menses came, I had a strange cross between the pre-laborish cramping and something very confusing. I felt like I was in labor but not physically so. I look at myself with my spiritual eye and just kinda stared in shock. My belly was as big as it was with my youngest son and I felt (but didn't at the same time) a baby squirming inside me. Loki was very wide eyed and concerned when he showed up.

He said that he was going to take me to where I could get help. Next thing I know, I am journeying (via Loki carrying me) to Angrboda. He says something about her midwife should help me. Angrboda tells me that I need to go to Freyja. So, cue another weird journeying experience of being carried. When I was brought to Angrboda, I could see myself moving through a dark wood. The second journey, I was moving through what seemed to be a tunnel of all colors of light. Then I was in a room with Freyja and some alfar woman that I had never encountered. Freyr was there and looking very concerned. Loki got some pointed looks and he exited the room.

Then I had the experience of giving birth (which ached on the physical level, like if I had gotten kicked in that bit of anatomy in the recent past). After which, Freyja and everyone else got very concerned. The baby was spirited off elsewhere by Freyja and the woman. I was confused and worried because I hadn't even heard the child cry. Freyr sat with me, looking rather concerned as he held my hand.

Several nights later, I am talking with a dear friend of mine and I described what happened. At which point, two things happen. Freyja explains that the second birth was complicated and the child needed to be in Jotunheim to be well. And then I am told that Loki did something and Freyr was angry with him. And that signs were indicating that what I suspected at first that I was some how pregnant before this were accurate.

Cue a ... discussion, where Loki says he helped midwife the first child and brought her to an undisclosed location for the child's safety. This turned into a bit of an argument between him and I, wherein he says it is Freyr's child and that he helped labor happen a little earlier than it was supposed to. And I demand that he bring the child to Freyr's hall, where she is supposed to be. The argument between Loki and I was unpleasant, for both of us, but in the end he did bring the child to Freyr. And he mended fences with Freyr.

Things are still a bit touch and go between him and Freyr right now. But, it is returning to the normal realm of Freyr telling Loki 'you annoy me.' and Loki telling Freyr to 'lighten up.' By the way, Loki telling Freyr to lighten up has always struck me as funny. Freyr, who exudes joy frequently, doesn't exactly come off as someone who takes himself too seriously. Which is what Loki semi-regularly needles him about. It's like the verbal equivalent of spit-balling between the two of them. Which is weird to be on the sidelines of.

But, astral pregnancy, it is a thing. I'm still confused by it, but I guess the ... amount of quality time I've been spending with Freyr was going to catch up to me at some point.

Freyr the hunter.

Waxing Hunter's Moon (Age 9 days)
Sign: Aries
Weather: cold, partly cloudy,
snow forecasted for pm
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
So, I had a dream/vision of Freyr on the hunt. The first thing I was struck by was the fact that watching him in motion and action was a thing of frightening beauty. It was like watching a dangerous storm rolling through the sky. The second thing that hit me was how he was alight with joy. He was laughing as he chased after terrifying things and cut them down. As he and his party were going after things that made my nightmares look like a happy place, they were all whooping with joy and excitement. When the sighted their quarry, they laughed and cheered. When they ran it down and caught it, there was more of that kind of wild, ecstatic excitement like what you'd see at a sporting event in the fans where their team is winning and successfully thrashing their opponents like nobody's business. Bloodthirsty doesn't feel like the right word, but it is the closest I have for it.

I was just watching them from the side. And then he saw me. A part of me wanted to bolt when they moved towards me. They were rather intimidating (terrifying). The entire group cheered when they saw me. It was only a subtly different cry from what they made as they were chasing prey down. I felt like I was a prize even as I felt like I was their quarry. To say it was disconcerting is really a huge understatement. Looking back on it, I don't entirely know what kept me from running.

I suppose I was fascinated by the look in Freyr's face. Like, that hypnotized stare that deer get when they are caught in car headlights. It was all the joy and ferocity that came with hunting, and hunger. When they whole party had reached me, I found myself at the center of the group. Somehow, I knew that they were protecting me from what they had been hunting. He just smiled down at me with that look and said, "I caught you."

I will admit, my reckless streak came out. When I replied, "And what are you going to do with me?" pretty much everyone in the group laughed. It was a sound that made me immediately tell myself that sass was a horrible idea. A few in the group gave some... explicit suggestions. From the look in his eye, I honestly found myself wondering if he was going to take those suggestions and act on them right that moment.

He dismounted from the horse he was riding. (Anyone else out there who has involvement with Freyr, please tell me, it is just me or does he ride a horse that is the color of rust/dried blood? Also, that thing is freaking huge. I was probably tall enough that my head was about midshoulder on it, at best. And I'm a little above average height.) He brushed a lock of hair out of my face and then he kissed me. I felt like there was pure electricity between us.

Then the dream/vision ended. Since that happened, when he is present, he still has that wild, electric air about him. It's restrained but the tension of it feels like a balloon on the edge of bursting, for lack of a better description. It has been... intense.

What am I doing again?

Waxing Hunter's Moon (Age: 9 Days)
Sign: Aries
Weather: Chill, partly cloudy skies
snow forecasted for pm
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
It has been a while since I've written in here. NaNoWriMo has been partly why and the fact that I just don't know where to begin is the other reason. There has been a lot on my plate with working with the gods and the various spirits around me. Mostly, that work has been 'shadow' work within myself. Look back on everything, I can see some spiritual measure behind why I got sick last week. I was falling into the bad habit of overextending myself again. I kept getting told to slow down and rest. I was stubborn and didn't listen. Then I found myself sick in bed for most of last weekend.

Freyr has been somewhat quiet of late. I'm not too surprised because in many ways this is his 'off' season in my part of the world. He also has made it clear in no uncertain terms that he is participating in the Wild Hunt this year. (To be honest, the couple of times where I saw his hunting party in action, I was both mesmerized and intimidated. The fierce joy in his hunting and taking on difficult quarry took me by surprised. Somehow, I forgotten that he is more than a theoretical warrior deity. I'll get into a little more detail about one of those moments a little later. Probably in another post.) The times where I have been with him and he is talkative, the discussions have been somewhat hard for me.

He has become very direct in challenging me not to deny myself joy. Considering that this is something I've been struggling with for a long while and when I get stressed out, it is the first thing I drop, I really am not surprised. The conversations have moved from encouragement to take time for little pleasures in my day and sweetness to a combination of assertive challenging of my bad habit of self denial and a.. Well, it is hard to describe. While Loki and I have some D/s stuff between us (that I didn't expect but looking at it all it makes sense now), there was never anything like that between Freyr and I. Now, there's something that hits those mental buttons in an entirely different way with Freyr and I'm somewhat scrambling to figure out what I'm supposed to do. 

While Loki will be the right bastard that I have always found alluring, Freyr is decidedly taking a different approach. It leaves me feeling like he's hunting me. This game of cat and mouse is very different from the games between Loki and I. And where Loki will basically grab a hold of me and make me look at something, Freyr has been doing this combination of chasing me in the direction I should be moving and cornering me and making me look at things. It is very disconcerting and has left me in a rather confused and twitterpated state. And it is becoming clear that this is what response he is seeking right now. I have a feeling that Loki's spending some time over the last few months pushing my mental buttons has shown Freyr something about what makes me tick.

On one hand, I am finding myself beside myself with delighted anticipation. On the other, I am reeling with shock and struggling with the urge to run and hide. Which doesn't work so well with gods. You may run but hiding never works. And they'll just let you run yourself tired. Last weekend was something of a manifestation of running myself tired, I think. Because while I was half delirious, Freyr was very present and made use of my rather glib state to have a conversation with me about my problem with keeping outmoded and harmful mental patterns in play.

Loki's been pushing my kink buttons pretty hard. This has lead to some awkward moments. Finding yourself getting hot and bothered over an idea when you're in the middle of something that is entirely different and really usually isn't connected with sex... it can be a bit uncomfortable. Especially when you are attempting to do something like pay bills and you need to focus on doing math to make sure everything is coming out properly. At the same time, however, Loki's effort to have me associate something pleasurable with doing stuff that usually makes me super anxious seems to be working. It is somewhat bewildering. But, again, there is the concerted push to make me realize stuff like sex is not a bad thing and that pleasure is ok/safe/fun. Loki has also been very ... amused with how I've basically gone 'eep' and stare like a deer in headlights when Freyr starts pushing my buttons. He's declared it adorable.

I usually would fire back some sassy comment about how I'm not adorable, but my smart ass comments have been falling flat as Loki has been deciding to be ... amused with it rather than annoyed. It's been fairly disconcerting to realize that my sass has moved from 'teehee, I'm being a pest.' to 'I'm writing checks that my ass is going to have to deliver on.' I suppose you could say that we've gone to the next level with these games, I have no idea. All I know is that Loki plays the mindfuckery game like no ones business and he's become more aggressive about it as I have gotten more comfortable with this thing between him and I. At one point, I was having a bad day and I demanded to know what exactly was his game. He gave a very... sexually charged laugh and said, "You need someone to push you. I'm here to help." It cured my bad mood. At the same time, a part of me quietly went 'Oh shit!' and I found myself questioning what the fuck I was thinking about all of this.

And then there is Freyja. Oh boy has that been difficult for me. I think I'm making progress. I've been struggling with what she's been giving me to work on. I have been genuinely putting effort and doing my best to swallow my anxiety to push forward. At the same time, she has been adapting the tasks she gives me to work around my difficulties. A part of me keeps insisting that I'm not 'good enough' to accomplish the stuff she is giving me to do. I've been doing my best to gag, hogtie, and throw that part into a dark hole. Another part of me looks at myself and goes 'Why the fuck can't I do XYZ? It's simple. Why can't I do it?' A lot of what Freyja has me working on aligns with the stuff that my therapist has me working on. I don't think that is a coincidence either. I'm stumbling my way forward but it feels like I'm trying to walk when I'm so weak I can hardly crawl. And getting angry is not working to push me through it. Instead, I have to go in the opposite direction and that's been a struggle for me.

There's been some other stuff going on, but I'm going to put that in a separate post. Because it's kinda weird enough to take up its own slot. I will simply say that astral sex has consequences.

Over the last week, I have found myself interacting a lot with the dead. I do it a fair amount to begin with. But there was a bump in traffic around Tuesday. I don't know if it is connected to the stuff that has happened with a lot of mass deaths over the last two weeks. All I know is that I went from having one or two spirits of the deceased showing up to get, well, for the lack of a better description, directions to their destination, to I had about ten show up all at once. (No, they were not all French or any of the people who died in the other incidents. Three were cancer victims. One was a car accident victim, who was very disoriented and had no idea how they wound up in my neck of the woods. Four were domestic abuse victims. And one was somebody who passed on from a heart attack. They all were headed to the same spiritual 'place' but as one described it, they got lost on a detour.) The other days were similar incidents.

I have also found that my Disir have been more vocal of late. They are all doing what they could to encourage and help me with the work I've been doing for Freyja. It was very... confusing to have my Disir helping me to have conversations with different aspects of myself. But, I was ... effective. They have also been active in my dreams. Again, the general emphasis has been on helping me resolve my issues with letting myself be happy and enjoy things. Oddly, or perhaps not so odd, I have been finding myself making a lot of progress through dream work. I have also been having more lucid dreams over the last two weeks.

11/17/15

Letters to Loki # 28

Dear Sly One,

My eldest tried to pull a fast one on me. It is not working out how he anticipated. I am torn between amusement with his frustration with the situation and annoyance with the situation. I am working to focus more on the humor of it all. His attempt to stay home from school 'sick' and miraculously be well after the bus left has netted him a day of being forced to rest or get in trouble for lying about being sick. Right now, he is laying in his bed staring at me. It's almost 10 am and there has been about 8 times now that he has asked if it is lunch time. He is bored, which is according to plan.

I have been working on all my blog posts and feeling like I am not going to get everything caught up. It is a frustrating feeling. I wish that there were more hours in the day or something. I have a pile of housework to catch up on and bills to pay. I can't just sit here and focus on writing all day. I suppose that is part of the price of being an adult. I am glad, however, that I have gone from the horrendous cough and congestion (with a touch of fever and delirium) just a bunch of sinus pressure. I can take Sudafed and get stuff done, rather than be sick in bed like I was all weekend.

It has been difficult to focus on putting aside my anxieties to get stuff done. I have been making the effort. According to Beloved, I am actually making progress. I don't feel like I am, but I guess it is hard to see how many handbags you have made when you're ass deep in alligators. I have caught myself starting to worry about Yule. I don't have as much done as I thought I would by this time. It has forced me to alter some of my plans for gifts and that disappoints me. I guess I am again dealing with setting my expectations too high.

It is a bad habit. I thought I was doing better about it, but I suppose I'm not really. I have been, however, making a point of doing a better job with self-care, like you wanted me to. I kinda cheated on the eating healthy thing for a few weeks. I think I gained back a few pounds but I am not going to twist myself up into knots over it. I am going to do my best to get more exercise done in the house since the weather has gotten colder and I can't really go out for walks like I did when it was warm.

I tried taking a walk at the park by the lake. It was really uncomfortable because of the wind and the chill. My knees have been bothering me a lot. It is kinda funny, but my losing weight has posed a little bit of a problem with my arthritic knees. My knee braces won't stay in place because my legs are smaller now. I've resorted to using my cane more because of it. I am working to keep some amusement over this fact. I am also tempted to bust out the duct tape and wrap the cane in something like zebra print tape so that it doesn't look so boring.

I caught my self looking at sword canes the other day and then I remembered they're illegal in my state. I had a sad after that. I think, however, I am going to get myself a wooden cane at some point in the not too distant future. The aluminum, which I am considering redecorating with patterned duct tape, has started having issues with the part that keeps the two bits together. I almost think that the screw portion of it is getting stripped, which makes no sense because it hasn't been getting moved around a lot. Perhaps it is just shoddy workmanship. It was only $15.

11/1/15

Punch drunk and waiting for more.

Waning Gibbous Blood Moon (Age: 20 days)
Sign: Cancer
Weather: Mild, partly cloudy, windy
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~


The gods have been making their presence very known over the last few days. I would talk in greater detail about how they've been doing it but I think the song in the video above describes it and my present struggle. I don't even know why I'm struggling so hard against my own happiness. I don't know why I am so afraid when I'm not caught up in the joy of it all.

All the trouble I had adjusting to life with Beloved as more than a friend, it just came back with a vengeance. They assure me all is safe. They have acted in a manner that has done nothing but been loving, helpful, and delightful. Why am I so panicked at the thought of being happy? I want to stop fighting but I keep throwing my hands up with a shriek at the thought of just letting go.

They tell me it is because of my trauma. They are doing things to help me with it. But I just can't get the words out. I can't say how I feel or take the first step in this dance. I feel like all the world is a tumult. Even as I'm afraid, I am breathless with anticipation and pleasure. I feel like I'm going mad.