Godspousery Notes: Being Flooded With Ideas ...

Dear Reader,

When I am struggling with just my short 4 line prayers in Tumblr, being flooded with ideas for things to write is almost painful. Loki has been throwing ideas at me for Filianic texts. Freyr has been throwing at me ideas for book series that I have been working on. And then there's the ideas that pop up in the middle of the night as questions that I wrestle with for a spell before falling back to sleep.

It's maddening to have all these ideas weighing on my mind even as I am struggling to write anything. I know that I have two of my biggest cheerleaders in these two. They're super proud of anything I accomplish because they just know how hard it is. I just wish I wasn't so tired or dealing with fall out from my disabilities all the time. That's what really gets in my way.

But both Loki and Freyr are insisting I can do this despite my troubles. I just need more faith in myself. That's kinda the opposite of what I've been feeling because of my brain issues. But they assure me that it will get better.

Depressive episode induced writer's block is awful.

 Dear Reader,

Before I go on my rant, here's something pretty for you.

If you want the story behind the fan, just drop a comment on this post.

I've come to the conclusion that I've been depressed for a long time and over the last few months that's beginning to lift. I spent a month swinging between depressed and mixed episodes where I was Fighty McFightface. Obviously, during the mixed episodes, I stayed off social media and only did my off line writing.

Because my brain was scrambled eggs for most of this time, I wasn't sleeping well. That didn't help anything. I've been working with my care team to try to get this sorted out. Next step is seeing a sleep specialist. This, I'm pretty sure is going to suck.

I've been headblind most of the last while. Which lead to a crisis in confidence with  my abilities to do anything occult. My aunt A. talked me down out of my tree on that one. It was both relief and joy that when I finished the fan above last Saturday, I could feel my late paternal Grandmother's approval and delight in it.

Since the business with Covid, I've developed mild agoraphobia. It sucks. My gardens were the reason why I was getting out of the house. But, this year, I have new and pretty awful neighbors who have been throwing trash into the gardens and attempting to take them over. I said fuck it, I'm not doing a garden this year and I'm focusing on my indoor plants. So, now I'm trying to force myself into daily walks, but that's real hard to do because of my exhaustion during the day due to my night time difficulties sleeping.