My brain is giving me emotional whiplash and They're not happy.

Waning Wolf Moon (Age: 16 days)

Moon Sign: Leo

Weather: Very cold, light lake effect snow

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I'm not swinging back and forth because of my Bipolar II right now. Or at least, I don't think that is the case. But, what ever is going on with me, I've been super anxious for about a week right around sundown. Like, so anxious that the sound of one of the kids unexpectedly tearing a piece of paper almost made me jump out of my skin the other night.

Loki and Freyr are not pleased with this development. They're both of the mind that I really should work on finding a therapist sooner rather than later. I have been a few years now with out a therapist to help me keep my head glued together. My psychiatrist is wonderful. He's been exceedingly helpful and compassionate. But, when the psychiatrist, deities, and your mortal spouse are all in agreement that you could use a bit of time with a therapist again, it's probably time to think about it seriously.

Freyr is of the opinion that my problem is my complex post-traumatic stress disorder acting up again. He's rather firmly told me that I need to stop shoving my feelings into a box. I didn't think I was doing that. But, this year of Covid-19 has brought up all kinds of things from the past. And the weirdness going on with my body due to the diabetes has been bringing up more things from the past. I really guess I fell back into some bad habits. (And Loki says snarkily 'ya think?' as I type this.) 

They have both been pushing me hard to make health changes in my life. This ranges from "It would be good for your mental health to have regular contact with other adults in the world. So, you're going to go back to doing tarot readings on Keen for the sake of your brain. The money doesn't matter." to "This is your new daily schedule, see how you're going to be exercising EVERYDAY." It's been a challenging couple of weeks adjusting to the new schedule that we negotiated. 

The exercise has been probably the hardest part. The weather has been so cold that I'm doing light aerobic exercise as I pace the apartment because it's too cold to walk outside. I over did it the other day and Freyr's been a bit peeved with me for that. I believe his exact words about it was, "Just because you can do it doesn't mean that you should do it." I was really bored pacing and did 300 arm curls (with 2.2 lb weights in each hand) in the span of 20 minutes. It's taken me a week for my arms to stop hurting.

He and Loki are plotting something that involves my exercise stuff. As in, I've been getting random things about 'here's how to train for a marathon' in my email. My search history has been about tarot decks, goddess worship, and my local news. But, I think they want me to get myself back to the point where I could walk 3 miles at a brisk pace with out a problem.

 

 

 

 

Low confidence right now.

 I feel like I'm doing everything wrong. I know it's my PTSD creeping up on me. At the same time, I feel terribly alone and like I wouldn't be so alone if I were like everyone else. It's been rough over the last year. Everything went on hold for 2020. Everything except for my scumbag brain insisting that I was a weakling and a coward for hunkering down and avoiding going out because of Covid-19.

I am attempting to restart a whole bunch of things. Yesterday was on one hand a good day. I made a little bit of money on Keen and I reconnected with some old clients. On the other hand, I just felt horrible most of the day and like I wasn't doing enough. I am struggling to reestablish healthy habits that I fell out of last year. I am struggling to get back to using a schedule, which I haven't done in over a decade. And I am struggling to figure out what in hell is going on with my diabetes because my blood sugar has been stupid. It's all left me feeling afraid and like I'm not good enough.

I guess that means it's time to do more Shadow Work. I should really replace that copy of Timothy Rodrick's book on Shadow Work. It's more of a workbook than anything else. Maybe I should go through it again and see what happens this time.

I'm a bit of a librarian.

 Dear Reader,

I have a bit of a library I accumulated over the years. Most of my books are in good condition. Some that I picked up second hand are in poor shape but still readable. At the following link, you will see a partial list of my library. I ran out of spoons to list everything. I'm probably about halfway through the shelf.

Cydira (aka Lady Brythwen Sinclair)'s Library

Blog Changes

 Dear Reader,

If you're reading this, I'd first like to apologize for not updating this in forever. 2020 was one hell of a year and 2021 is shaping up to be the same way. I am going to resume posting in here this year. It is not going to be on a daily basis but on a weekly one. I'm still sussing out content and such. If you follow my blog The Veiled Witch or my mirror of it on Wordpress (The Veiled Witch's Mirror), you'll find that I'm in the process of revamping that blog as well. If I could find a way to port the info on this blog over there, I'd probably do it. But, in hindsight, it is most likely for the best that I keep these two blogs separate. 

In this blog, I'm going to get into the weirder stuff about my spiritual life. I'm also going to be posting more things like spells. It's basically going to become a digital extension of my book of shadows. That was the original purpose of this blog and I'm cycling back to it. I will be doing my best to post on Saturdays. I can't promise it will be every Saturday because that is the day where lots of chores get done and things are hectic. But if you're looking for new content on here, check on Saturday.

I'm going to occasionally post links to The Veiled Witch with material that applies to both blogs. (That's what the next post is going to be.) I'm trying to get back into serious writing mode. Being depressed makes that hard. So I'm working on pushing through that to get back to work. Wish me luck.

And, again, if you've read this far, thank you for your patience and I hope this finds you happy, healthy, and prosperous.