Frustration abounds.

 Dear Reader,

If it isn't some issue with my C-PTSD troubling me, then it's a migraine. If it isn't that, it is some kind of shenanigans. And then there's my cursed bipolar disorder. Depressive episodes pretty much destroy my brain. The confluence of all this leads to months of not writing. It leaves me head-blind and renders my psychic gifts the subject of bitter scrutiny. I lose faith in myself. I am exhausted all the time. It's hellish.

Now, as I claw my way out of the most recent depressive episode, I can feel the dead clamoring to be heard. I don't know what to do. Typically, they come to me for directions because they've gotten lost on their way to their next life or their spiritual place of rest. It doesn't usually happen to me that they want me to convey messages or listen to their story. I just point them in the direction they need to go and that's the extent of the interaction, typically.

There's so many waiting beyond the wall I put up spiritually around my home to keep the non-familial dead out during the pandemic. At the beginning, I was overwhelmed by the dead who were lost and confused about their deaths. So, under the direction of the All-Father, I put up a wall. Now there's something like a small army beyond it, crying out to be heard. I know that where I go, there's going to be the spirits of the dead looking for someone like me to guide them and possibly listen to them.

I don't know what to do in this situation. This has not happened before.

Going radio silent for a few weeks.

  Dear Reader,

You may not be aware but I have been struggling with some ongoing mental health problems since last August that has severely impacted my life in a number of ways. I am taking the next few weeks to do some intensive therapy work to try to get that problem under control again so that I'm functional and I can get back to writing again. In the meantime, I will not be posting here because I expect I won't have the time due to the  plans for how to approach this therapy process. I hope to be back to post again and interact with everyone via my social media platforms soon. I just don't know how soon that is going to be.

Wish me luck.

Blog Changes

 Dear Reader,

If you're reading this, I'd first like to apologize for not updating this in forever. 2020 was one hell of a year and 2021 is shaping up to be the same way. I am going to resume posting in here this year. It is not going to be on a daily basis but on a weekly one. I'm still sussing out content and such. If you follow my blog The Veiled Witch or my mirror of it on Wordpress (The Veiled Witch's Mirror), you'll find that I'm in the process of revamping that blog as well. If I could find a way to port the info on this blog over there, I'd probably do it. But, in hindsight, it is most likely for the best that I keep these two blogs separate. 

In this blog, I'm going to get into the weirder stuff about my spiritual life. I'm also going to be posting more things like spells. It's basically going to become a digital extension of my book of shadows. That was the original purpose of this blog and I'm cycling back to it. I will be doing my best to post on Saturdays. I can't promise it will be every Saturday because that is the day where lots of chores get done and things are hectic. But if you're looking for new content on here, check on Saturday.

I'm going to occasionally post links to The Veiled Witch with material that applies to both blogs. (That's what the next post is going to be.) I'm trying to get back into serious writing mode. Being depressed makes that hard. So I'm working on pushing through that to get back to work. Wish me luck.

And, again, if you've read this far, thank you for your patience and I hope this finds you happy, healthy, and prosperous.

Struggling.

Everything weather wise is in flux right now. A new comet has been discovered. A new thing that is on a near-Earth approach has been discovered and they're not sure what it is. The political climate is marching steadily towards tumult of the most unpleasant sort. And my head is not ... happy.

I was having a grumpy, fairly miserable day. Then Loki pretty much ordered me to get out of the house. He met my crankiness with pure surly and over bid, I rolled a one whereas he got a natural 20. I don't know if the dice were loaded or not. I'm not sure how easy it is to load a 20 sided die. Then again, he may have been using Cthluhlu's dice and who knows what that number actually was.

So, I went out and got lunch quick at the pizza place around the corner. As I sat there eating, watching Deliverance on the tv (remember what an awful movie it was) I tried to figure out if my problem was due to something physical or phyisiological. I mean, my cold is going away. I was eating so my blood sugar wasn't a problem. I had taken all of my medications in the morning. Hormones were off because of my being on my menses, but that didn't seem especially bad.

After I finished my food, I came back home. I was starting to get sucked back into that grumpy headspace when Ingvi told me to go outside, that there was a surprise waiting for me. I wandered to the back deck. I discovered much to my delight that my miniature rosebushes have survived the weather we had recently. Upon Freyr's suggestion, I moved them to the most sheltered spot I have outside. Then, I came around the plants out front. That was when I discovered that I had live mint plants still growing in a pot that was forgotten and essentially dried out until the snow hit (at which point it was frozen).

So, I came inside, puttered around with my houseplants and potted up the mint sprigs. I still don't feel that great. I don't know if it is hormones, still lingering stress from the holidays, or if it is my mood cycling. As I wandered around here this afternoon, I could feel them present. When my thinking started to get excessively self critical, Loki was throwing out sarcastic commentary about how 'accurate' it was. When I caught myself ready to just give up on doing stuff that was good for me, Freyr was there just quietly, but sternly reminding me that I had made a decision and I was going to stick to it.

I don't know, is this how godspousery works for other people? Am I going crazy? I don't know. And, to top it all off, they're both telling me how I *really* need to talk to Beloved about my anxiety about everything. I feel like I've just been dumping alot of anxious blabber into his lap. But I've got Loki and Ingvi both getting progressively... displeased with my attempt to just suck it up and deal. (And Loki says dryly 'yes, because you can just 'suck up and deal' with a sucking chest wound, shall I hold your hair for you while you bleed out so it doesn't get matted?')

Luck Bringer Lopt!

Waning Crescent Flower Moon (Age: 24 Days)

Sign: Aries

Weather: Partly cloudy, very dry, upper average to
above average temps.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~

I was stalled on making things happen in my life for a while. I had heaps of anxiety and I was generally running in circles going "OH GODS, WHAT DO I DO?!!?!elventyone" Loki nudged me forward. (Read that as he picked me up by the scruff of the neck and tossed me forward.) At his encouragement, I picked up a small pile of hard copies of Book One of the Umbrel Chronicles (a fantasy series that I am writing and blogging about). Again, at his encouragement, I brought them out to spinning guild this month. Now, I had one book that I sold before spinning guild because the gal up the road had seen me working on stuff and was curious.

I honestly thought that it was going to be the only one that I sold. At spinning guild, I gave my elevator pitch and had all of the copies I brought with me sold in less than five minutes. I was in shock and delighted. (Mostly amazed, to be honest. He and Ingvi were both amused with this. As was Beloved who said 'Who'd have thought you would be good at this? You've only been working on it for over twenty years.' Subtlety, it is optional in the sarcasm around this place.)

At Loki's encouragement, today, I stopped in at the bbq place up the street. This is where the gal who bought the first book off the pile works. The minute she saw me, she asked me when she can get book two and informed me that she was about a third of the way through the book and loving it. I was delighted. And then she said that she was going to buy me lunch. I attempted to protest and she laughed and said she was doing it anyways.

And the owner of the business is curious about possibly getting a copy of the book because his employee is so excited about it. I honestly did not anticipate this happening. But, it seems that Loki did and is exhorting me to do more things with this. I'm a little overwhelmed but that happens most of the time with Loki. He's a 'go big or go home' kinda guy.

Did I mention that Loki is very amused with my response to all of this? I wouldn't say he is gloating, but it is something similar. Ingvi is also highly amused. I have a feeling this is the beginning of plans they have for me. Just a suspicion with all of their chuckling and such. The last time they both were like this, life got very interesting in unexpected and pleasant ways.

Signal Clarity & Ramblings

Waxing Blue Moon (Age: 10 Days)

Sign: Sagittarius

Weather: Humid, partly cloudy,

& seasonably warm

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

A little while back, Freyr, Loki, and Odin told me that I needed to complete three books this summer. With my difficulty finding writing time, I began to panic a little. In my effort to feel as though I had actually accomplished something, I took out the boys' scrapbooks and started updating them. As I worked, I had this powerful sense of peace fill me. I no longer felt the frantic anxiety that I wasn't going to finish the deeds I was called to do in the time frame allotted. As I sat with that feeling, Freyr made his presence known. I asked him if this was what I was supposed to be working on. He nodded and smiled as he gave me a hug and kissed my temple.

As I am getting ready for the publication of book two of the fantasy series I am writing, Loki made himself quite impossible to ignore. (Not that I ignore him when he annoys me.) He was just about beside himself with excitement today as I posted the first of the several posts I will be making leading up to the release. That was when I realized this was one of the three books I was supposed to complete this summer. Between the two scrapbooks and this novel, I have three books I'm wrapping up this summer. I feel a bit silly for making myself panic over finishing others that I have partially written.

Some days, I get a message from the gods or the spirits and I understand it fairly well. Those are days where I have good signal clarity on my 'godphone'. Then there are the days where I misunderstand, misinterpret, or generally mess up the message. Those are the bad signal clarity days. Other psychics don't talk about it much, but they do happen on a fairly regular basis. I have noticed that my bad signal clarity days happen when I am really anxious or stressed out over something. I tend to overthink everything and make assumptions when I'm like that.

I suppose there is still something of a learning curve when you're doing psychic stuff, even if you've been at it for most of your life. In some cases, that learning curve is tied to the work you are doing. In other cases, like most recently for myself, it is tied to things regarding how you handle the work you are doing. Loki is right when he says I have a bad habit of taking on the biggest possible task I can at a given moment. He has been making strongly worded suggestions that I either deal with it in my therapy journal writing or some pointed discussions with my therapist.

When he hasn't been busy with his laser guided commentary on my issues, Loki has been trolling me. It seems like every time I'm out driving and he shows up, Up Town Funk starts playing. And I am beginning to get sick of Up Town Funk. It was funny at first, especially with him lipsynching and dressed in a gaudy holloween styled pimp suit. We've no progressed past funny into 'dear gods, give me a break.' Loki has been getting some laughs at my exasperation. Good friends: they poke you with sticks sometimes just to make you jump. I keep telling him that I'm going to get even. That makes him laugh harder. But, that kinda makes sense. It's sort of impossible to troll a deity. It's like trying to tell him a joke and he blurts out the punchline before I've even gotten started. But, that's Loki for you. I love him how he is, even when he drives me nuts.

Freyr... Where do I begin with him? So much I want to say but I feel uncomfortable doing so. People tending to hate on the people who are romantically involved with deities makes me really uncomfortable to begin with. The thought of that including insulting attitudes towards Freyr really makes me wary. Still, he is of the opinion that I blog a bit about how things are between him and I, so I am going to make the effort. He assures me it will all turn out well. So, there is that.

I've been struggling pretty hard with body image issues and eating for a while now. Freyr has been helping me keep track of how often and what I eat. Because of his firm direction, I have transitioned almost completely away from drinking soda. Instead, I've been having iced tea and iced coffee. As a result of just cutting down on the soda, I have lost several pounds. I'm getting ahead of myself. A few months ago, I got so stressed out that I was starting to starve myself again. (I was borderline anorexic in high school.) The feeling like everything in my life was out of control thus the only real control I had was over what I ate really did a number on me. Over the course of about three weeks, I dropped around 30 lbs.

Freyr was not pleased. I felt guilty and scared that I was getting really bad again. Beloved was just as upset as Freyr. It was a pretty shitty time. Beloved and Freyr helped me get back to eating three meals a day. It took a few weeks but I got back to it. My weight went up by about seventeen pounds but I was actually eating properly so I didn't get upset about that. Ever since I had the boys, I have been looking at the number on the scale and feeling like it was disgustingly too high. My doctor hasn't said anything about my weight being unhealthy. I didn't have anyone actively telling me I looked awful. Beloved was horrified by the idea that I felt like I was disgustingly fat. I blame all of the damn advertisements out there that tells women to lose weight to be beautiful. That passive version of mind manipulation is damaging, especially for women who have some what fragile grasps on a positive body image, like myself.

Freyr has taken some offense to the idea that I have this distorted image. He is not offended with me but on my behalf. It is a strange position to be in, to be honest. It just never occurred to me that he's be angry with something like that. He is, however. (You just don't want to see how angry Freyja is over this concept. Spitting mad is an understatement. In other news, Freyja is scary when she is furious, even if it is not directed at you and on your behalf. D/N/T Vanadis. EVER!) Because he is concerned about how this stuff is affecting me and is more than a little angry about how it is damaging to so many people, he became more active in helping me manage my health stuff.

Some days, I feel depressed and I start to really savagely rip on myself. Freyr has literally shaken me out of that mindset when it got really bad. Nothing is quite so odd as having muscle spasms that don't hurt and makes your whole arm tremble. The weirdness of it broke that mental loop as I tried to figure out what was going on and if this was because of my medication. But it only happened once, so I don't think I'm developing tardive dyskinesia or anything else like that. That was a strange and disturbing experience but it got the job done. And I have discovered that Freyr is like Loki with respect to being completely mercenary about getting something handled. He will use whatever method is at hand and most effective.

Thus, when I found myself going in the opposite direction and starting to 'eat my feelings' Freyr stepped in and made 99.9% of everything sweet taste awful. When the gummy bear addict is repulsed by the gummy bears, you know something is up. As I have been getting better at handling things in moderation, I'm finding that sweets are not quite so wretched. I still get fed up with them (LOL pun) pretty quickly but I can progress beyond being ready to spit out the stuff as soon as it hit my tongue.

I also think that Freyr is part of the reason why I have a hard time sitting still when the weather is nice. Last summer, I wasn't really keen on the idea of being outside but now I've been going out every day that it isn't raining. We've been taking walks and looking at the public gardens at the park by the lake that is a short ways from my home. Sometimes on those walks, we'll talk. Other times, he's just by my side. There have been a few times where there was a very faint second shadow beside mine on the side where Freyr is walking. It was pretty cool and I was thrilled.

When he isn't helping me manage my health issues and we're not out admiring the seasonal flowers, Freyr will sometimes just be with me while I'm working on stuff. Just the other day, I was paying bills as he was nearby working on something. Nonoriel Lokisson has described his spouse as sitting around doing paperwork while he is making stuff or doing whatever he does to run his business. It kinda baffled me. And then it happened with Freyr. I was sitting on the couch, knitting one of the presents I've been making people for Yule, when I looked over to see Freyr with a lap desk and a stack of papers almost an inch thick and reading glasses. It was, honestly, the reading glasses that threw me for a loop. I asked him why he was wearing them and he said, "They're comfortable and makes things easier." You can't argue with that type of response, even if it is coming out from behind some type of paperwork in a script you have no way of reading.

(Anyone else who is involved with Freyr, can you confirm if he is a polyglot? I keep getting the impression that he knows ALL THE LANGUAGES. A lot like Loki, to be honest.)

Most of the time, things with Freyr are fairly low key and relaxed. There are times where he will sternly tell me to stop doing something (ie a habit I am trying to break) or will become super serious about something we're discussing. But those are the exception to the rule. For some reason, I had this idea that being involved with a deity was some type of storybook romance and like the spiritual equivalent of champagne and roses half the time. I don't know why I got that impression from the godspouse blogs that I have read. But, between Freyr and I things are downright domestic. (If he ever gives you recommendations on how to improve a recipe, LISTEN. Amazing things came from that and I regret that I didn't write down what we used to make that salad dressing. It was seriously one of the best things I have had this year.)

Though there has been no sort of ceremony, Freyr has taken to calling me his wife. I usually counter with 'but we're not married' and his rejoinder is 'close enough.' Loki has found this to be hilarious. Especially when Freyr manages to make me flustered and all I can do is splutter out that retort. I've been deemed adorable because of this. I have a feeling that things are going to be getting interesting over the next few months.

Devotional vs theraputic writing? (and other rambling)

Waxing Buck Moon (Age: 2 days)

Sign: Leo

Weather: humid, partly cloudy,

intermittent t-storms

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

So, I have been praying to Freyr a lot over the last several weeks. Every night for about a month now, maybe a little longer, before I go to sleep, I spiritwalk to him. Usually, it's just my being in his company. Sometimes, though, we talk. I've expressed to him several times the fact that I feel like I'm not doing enough for him. His responses have ranged from bemusement to something stern. When he is bemused, he ruffles my hair and comments on my being an 'over-achiever'. It's not exactly a fatherly response but I don't know how else to describe it. When he has been stern, he firmly reminds me to respect my limitations and be more reasonable with my expectations of myself.

As my moods have cycled, I find myself struggling with the writing he wants me to do. At first, I thought it was something like erotic writing that he wanted from me. That was what I was working on the first time he mentioned that he wanted me to write for him. I have been struggling to write that kind of stuff for a little while now, however. Then he said that he didn't care what I wrote so long as I did it for him. So, I decided to apply my last Camp NaNoWriMo effort to be in his honor. Due to a combination of factors, I discovered that I couldn't put in the time I wanted to on that project and I wasn't able to finish it by the end of that session. I was feeling somewhat dejected about it when he told me that it didn't matter what I wrote.

So, I started a prayer journal. Then life got busy and I made the mistake of putting it in a safe place. I didn't find it until about a month and a half later. In the meantime, I was engaged in the grueling task of doing my therapy journaling. I had days where I really just didn't want to look at the bloody book. I made myself do it. On the days where it was particularly hard for me to do, I dedicated my efforts to Freyr (who has been quietly encouraging me to push forward on all stuff focused on improving my health). As a result, however, it turned out that most of the writing that I have been doing and dedicating to Freyr has been focused on resolving past psychological trauma or managing my disability. 

I was talking with another Lokiswoman last week. I mentioned that I felt poorly that my written offerings had comprised mostly of my engaging in what a friend of mine coined as 'trauma-vomit'. My friend pointed out that the fact that I was working to improve myself and the fact that what I was doing required considerable effort made it valuable, more so then any unpleasantness might of detracted from it. I've been mulling that over for the last week. I can not say that the writing I have been doing in Freyr's honor has been easy. It has actually been really hard to do.

She pointed out that if Freyr wants to be intimately involved in my life, he wants to see all parts of it. She then reminded me that it really wasn't fair of me to try to just share the 'good' things. I felt a touch ashamed when she mentioned that. I was still reeling from this when I unearthed my prayer journal in the midst of cleaning the kitchen. (I swear, I have lost and found more things in my kitchen then anywhere else. It's like it has a bag of holding somewhere that randomly eats and disgorges things.) This morning, I sat down with my prayer journal and wrote up an entry, where I mentioned this concern that the trauma writing wasn't a fitting offering.

I was then gently, but firmly, redirected to consider the virtue of 'small things'. The abrupt sea change in topic kinda took me by surprise. As I re-read what I wrote, I discovered that there was an underlying theme beneath it. Part of it was that I was struggling with psychological stuff, again. Part of it was that every act of devotion that I take is valued, no matter how I feel about it. I think that it was quite possible that Freyr took over the pen for a few moments because there were things written down there that I didn't recall writing.

It's hard for me to keep in mind that devotional activities don't require special tools, rituals, or mood. It's rather ironic, actually, that I am struggling with this stuff after my most recent post on my other religion blog. It's hard for me because I really want to give the best of what I have and what I can do to the gods. And with how much Freyr has been showing ... attention and affection towards me, I feel like I need to do twice as well and twice as much because the stakes are higher.

I'm realizing, however, that what is driving me to push myself so hard is fear. I am beginning to accept that Freyr loves me. I don't understand it. This is different from how Loki loves me. It is more like how my husband loves me. And I am afraid that if I don't always put forth a positive and happy face, that Freyr will decide that I'm not worth loving. I feel ashamed of that fear. It speaks of distrust in Freyr. I don't want to be in this position. I don't want him to feel that I don't trust him. I don't want to be afraid of him or this... this awkward feeling that I have for him.

I dare say that I am coming to possibly love him too. It frightens me and I often question my sanity. The hardest part about all of this is that there is no physical person to sit down and talk this stuff out with. Some days I wish that I could sit down with someone who would horse Freyr for ten or fifteen minutes, so that I can get reassurance that I'm not going crazy. Of course, when ever I express my fear that I am going crazy, Loki just laughs and says cheerfully 'yer already there, kid.' I get torn between exasperation with that statement and a measure of depression. (I confess, I have flipped Loki the bird a few times when he's said that. He's either laughed at me or made a rude gesture back when I've done it. It's a gesture of affection between us. As blasphemous it might be.)

I've been reading about what other people have to say about UPG and discernment. It's reassuring to hear/read that I am on the right track. It is comforting find others having had similar experiences. And when I have gotten psychic readings from people who weren't intimately involved with the situation, I have gotten 'hits' on things that have been getting told to me by the gods. There is a mounting pile of evidence that this whole thing between Freyr and I is genuinely real, not just wish fulfillment. 

So, why do I get so anxious about it? I think it's tied to my psychological challenges. I have days where I get anxious that Beloved will get fed up with me and my issues. I have days where I feel like I can only show positive and happy things to the people who are closest to me, or they'll abandon me. (It's a particularly awful feeling when it hits with respect to the kids.) I've been struggling a lot with my psychiatric stuff. Coming to the realization that I am disabled has been really hard to bear. I wish I could say that I am moving serenely through this with peace, love, and compassion towards myself and the universe. 

The reality is, it has been ugly, hard, and exhausting. Part of the reason why I haven't been posting on here is because I get depressed and I all but give up on my writing. I also have times where I just feel sick to death with being sick. For a long while, my escape was into writing fiction. I am finding, however, that is not working for me. It seems like the only thing I can do is write stuff that some how comes back to my disability. (This post is a great example.) I also tried to escape into spiritual stuff. That escape has completely backfired. The deeper I go into my spiritual side of life, the more I find myself working on my psychiatric challenges. I think the gods are behind that. (I'm looking at you, Loki and Odin.)

I am struggling. I want to say that I am hopeful that I will come out of this experience healed and healthy. I don't know if I will be 'healed' from my disability. I just want to be able to look in the mirror and not feel so disgusted and horrified by what I see. I want to be able to go to sleep at night and not be fearful of nightmares. (The spiritwalking to be with Freyr has helped with that quite a bit. I think it's why he tolerates it so much.) I know that the way I am when I am hypomanic is not healthy. At the same time, I can't help but want to feel that optimisim and sense of boundless joy more in my life. I spend more time depressed and anxious then anything else. And, I'm sick of feeling that way.

I'm not sure what more to add right now. That's basically what's up in my neck of the woods (aside from the chaos of the kids being on summer break and us having money problems). I didn't really do anything special for Litha/Midsummer/Rosea Mundi. I spend the day enjoying my time with my family and then the evening enjoying my time with my friends. I've been burning a special rose scented candle for the gods. Loki's been more amused with the floral scented candle then annoyed with the lack of pie scented stuff. Now that the Tiger Lilies are blooming, I'll have fresh flowers for my altar and my outdoor shrine to Dea soon. I am going to take some time over the next week to clean up my altar space and make it look more 'pretty'. 

I've been looking at the pictures of other people's altars. It's like Pinterest and the pagan blogs had a baby and the result is what I have been seeing on Facebook of late. I don't know if I'll be taking a picture of it or not. I need to change some things with it, however, because it doesn't accurately reflect what I am doing now. I have commissioned a statue of Freyr from a friend of mine. (I'm paying her in handspun yarn, which she may nor may not expect. If she is reading this, I've just outed myself on this intent. LOL)

I'd like to have a statue of Loki for the altar but I can't afford to buy the ones that I've seen. I have been seriously thinking about finding a masculine Jester figure. If I could, I'd find one that looked a bit ... ominous. Because even when Loki is joking, there's that rumble of darkness behind it. Oddly enough, I find it comforting that Loki has that to him. It's like the Happy Fun Ball or something. Though, I would be the person to taunt the Happy Fun Ball and poke it with a stick. I also want something for Odin, though I'm still taking proverbial baby steps on that front.

E-Book of Shadows?

Moon Phase: Waxing Corn (Age: 7 days)
Moon Sign: Scorpio
Weather: Cloudy, seasonably warm.
cool front expected later tonight
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

I've been considering my options as to how I could organize the volumes of research that I have in my Book of Shadows. I am leaning more and more towards making up a couple of e-books, then burning them to CD. I suspect it will be a significant amount easier then wading my way through four notebooks and approximately 2 1/2 inches of paper to look up one fact or detail.

My current volume of my Book of Shadows is serving as a journal and spell book. I have been giving a great deal of thought to devising separate books for lore, spells, rituals, and psychic notes. I look at what I have now and I feel quite... irate with how difficult it is for me to dig through it to find what I am looking for.

Every so often, I halfheartedly attempt to make this mess resemble order. I usually stick with it about a week at most and then throw my hands up in exasperation. Since Stormcrow's request that I find some information about astral projection about two weeks ago, I have been up to my eyeballs in paper. This is just plain silly and counter productive.

Aside from that, I'll be posting up a few things from the annals of my magical history as I dig through all this stuff. I have some material that I think would prove of interest to you, my Readers. All I ask is that you bear with me as I proceed.

Suicide: more thoughts

Moon phase: Waxing Corn (Age: 5 days)
Moon Sign: Libra
Weather: Fair skies, seasonable; drought continues

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

I've been giving the matter a great deal more thought over the last two days. It has been difficult for me to dig down through the layers to get to the most genuine of my feelings on Summer's suicide. I recognize the shock, disappointment, and anger were part of my response. The anger, however, grew for reasons aside from the fact that I was upset that she took her own life. It rose up and overrode the other feelings in a fashion that blinded me for a time to what I truly felt.

I have had time now to sit and examine the subject. And to examine my response to it. At the root of it all, I feel pity and compassion. At the time, I didn't feel comfortable with those emotions. I pushed them aside and grabbed hold of the anger. I recognize that the stages of grief include anger, but I didn't expect to cycle through to it so fast. I still hold to my initial statement when I learned of what happened: she should have picked up the phone, not the pills.

As I look at this, I must admit, I found myself going back to when I was actively suicidal. That phone call for help was one of the hardest things I have ever done. My hands were literally shaking with fear. I was fairly certain that if I couldn't get my therapist on the phone that I was going to do something terrible. I remember feeling terribly alone in that moment.

I can only guess how alone Summer felt at that time. In my case, I heard my mother's voice screaming in my ear. I don't know what was going on in Summer's case. I suspect, however, that the pain of her illness had reached an intolerable level and she was desperate for a way out. I don't think she was thinking clearly, because with out the influence of mental illness she was a vivacious person who virtually glowed with her love of life.

I pity the suffering she had and the crippling psychic pain that drove her to this act. My hackles go up at the fact that she killed herself in almost the exact same fashion that I had planned. The timing of it also leaves me uneasy because it hits too close to home. In some strange fashion, I find myself reminded to be thankful that I didn't kill myself and that I had gotten help. I don't know if that makes me a freak or not.

You will be missed, Summer. May it be that you have found the peace you were so desperate for and healing in the arms of the Goddess.

Stitches and witches, sew what?

Moon Phase: Waxing Blossom Moon (4 day old)
Moon Sign: Gemini
Weather: Seasonably mild, clear skies and light breezes from the west. Venus is quite brilliant.

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My silly attempts at punning aside, I have spent my time since my last post here engaged in a great deal of spinning, sewing, embroidery, knitting, and crochet. This is not idle behavior but rather closely tied to my efforts to regain my psychological and spiritual health. It may sound a little silly, but I am in effect adopting some of the idea of the Prayer Shawl Ministry into one of my projects.

J & J are two very dear friends of mine who have fallen onto hard times. The husband of this sweet couple (who are like family to my husband and I, the proverbial 'brother from another mother' kind of deal here) has had the misfortune to be in prison because of an unjust law and will remain there until 2013, unless the Gods are kind and some act has him released into his wife's loving arms and liberty before then, healthy and hale. As they struggle to achieve some level of normalcy in this situation and do their best to retain their dignity in what is a truly degrading and dehumanizing situation (an innocent man sent to prison is just terrible for all involved), I was at a loss for what to do to bring a measure of help and comfort to the wife of this couple. They had told us various things we could do, but it really felt paltry in the face of the enormity of this tragedy.

Then I remembered reading about the Prayer Shawl Ministry as I was looking up shawl patterns to make for myself. Instead of a shawl, however, I am making a blanket which they both can share. As I work on this blanket, it is not simply that the blanket itself is going to be stitched with love, compassion, and good wishes for them. For this blanket is being made from hand-spun yarn from myself and those who spin and are willing to donate. The yarn I have made, it is special because into the yarn itself is spun my intentions to express the love, support, and good wishes of my family for these two very dear people in our lives. It may be simplistic but sometimes, it is the simplest forms of magic that work the best.

My newest embroidery project is a sampler done in colors inspired by myself with stitches chosen as they occur to me. It is something of a self-portrait in fabric. It is not a very large sampler, but I am intending to do another and another as I progress forward in my counseling. While my painting has reflected the pain and sorrow of the past, my embroidery has shown the radiant core of joy, peace, and love that has always been within me, undaunted by the afflictions that I have experienced. I haven't yet decided on the motto I'm going to stitch on to this. I am debating between Love Conquers All (in Latin or English, I'm not fully committed yet) or All acts of Love and Pleasure. I am planning on making this little sampler into either a pillow or a rose scented sachet. Either way, it is going to be one of the first things I see in the morning and one of the last I see at night. A daily reminder of my strength and the various other wonderful qualities I have within me. My intent is for this to be a love-gift to myself, for Beloved has very wisely pointed out that I haven't done enough kind things like this for myself.

Similar to the crochet blanket I mentioned earlier, I am going to be piecing and sewing a pair of quilts. It was initially going to be three quilts, but the plans for that fizzled out fairly quickly. One quilt is going to be of a modest size and I plan for it to be finished by Yule, at the latest. It is for my brother's soon-to-be ex-wife. Just as the crochet blanket I am making for J & J is going to embody the love and care that I and my family hold for them, this will do so for a woman who has become my sister in name and deed. It may no longer be in name, but she will always be a sister to me and I shall always treasure her presence in my life. This will be a sampler quilt of a very traditional design, there by I hope to not only carry forward my own bit of skills but also the heritage of my family that my brother's disgraceful behavior failed to convey to his wife and children.

The second quilt is going to be large enough for a king-sized bed and it will be what is known by some as a 'double top' or a 'double patchwork' quilt. This is specifically for our dear friend who is in prison right now. One block is going to be made for each month of his sentence. The last six months of his term are going to be for piecing together the blocks, quilting, and finishing this. It will be made with my thoughts and prayers for him. Happy memories, hopes, and everything else that comes to mind as I meditate upon him while I sew is going to be part of this. If I can, I am going to try to get Beloved to do some stitches into this also.

This is what I am working on. By doing this, I not only have tangible evidence in my hands of how I can help others, my love for them, the relationships I am in, and of who I am, I also help to sow peace and love where there is fear and anxiety. Even only a small measure of that helps the world at large.

Spring is the season of growth, if the Gods smile on me, perhaps these seeds will grow and run rampant, crowding out the depression and other things that have served to oppress me and many others. For we are all most severely in need of it.

Oiy vey! A YEAR?

Good Gods! I'll be posting more regularly in here soon. I just have to get a few more things squared away in my life at the moment. Yule is going to be rather busy this year. Take a look at my other blog to see what's been going on. :)